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Well I do have to say that I did lose but a very small amount for the walking and bike riding that I have been doing.  I am at a solid 260  I really have to focus and get a good eating plan down. 

I have noticed that I am eating healthy just not at good times(eating late) and also I am snacking too much-  just becuase it says South Beach granola bars does not mean I should have 2 or 3 in one day!!  So I am actually being much more honest with myself and having friends on here that I am making myself accountable to has really helped.  Especially because I swore to myself that I would not lie to her and that even if I fell off that I would confess about it and move onward quickly and that has really helped.   I have also been taking mental notes about when and if I am eating- like is it during an emotional time or am I aware that I am doing it.  I have made some discoveries and caught myself on others but it makes all the difference when you really pay attention to what you are doing.  

I will be keeping up the exercise and continueing to watch what I eat and when I eat and how much I eat so I can really get myself going.

This past Monday had my 1st set of appts.  Went in for the gallstone ultrasound-  for some reason didn't think that was going to be painful but apparently B+W has a policy of doing a full abdominal ultrasound and they had a hard time seeing around my ribs and were continually pushing on them and it was quite uncomfortable!!  I felt like I got beat up and had a few small bruises in my rib area.  But hey-  it was worth it- I am OK all around- a little fat on my liver but why not I have fat everywhere else right?

Then I went for the Psych consult-  I understand why they do it.  There probably are some people who are screened out due to psych issues-  I know that my weigth has put a lot on my psyche and my poor self image.  But that was quick and painless and then next thing down the pike is the sleep study on Friday night out in Brighton and next Thursday is the remainder of the appts and I will see Dr. Lautz again for the final time until July 1st!!!!!!  For as long as this has taken to get here-  it is now coming at me so fast but I am glad!!  More another time!!

Wow-  people are right even though I have been so anxious to get to the surgery- the aoppts are coming up so quick and then the surgery is just about a month away now.  I remain excited about this whole process but I think in my head that I am trying to "say goodbye" to some foods and therefore not making good food choices becuase of it.  I am still doing some exercise but admittedly not enough.  I now have a month to get my head right about this and get back on practicing not drinking with meals and taking sips.  I just think psychologically I feel like I am going to dehydrate or something because I have always just been a thirsty person and feel like I am gonna die if I don't alwasy have a drink in hand.  I have never measured just how much I drink but I do know it is a lot.   Well I may ask the psych on Monday when I go for that appt after the ultrasound for gallstones.  More later

I don;t know exactly what made this happen today and it concerns me.  I have been so gung-ho about this whole thing and then today it was like I was right back to old habits and it was like I was unconscious about it until later.  That really worries me.  I don;t want to screw this up at all.  I was just eating all day it seems like.  I can't explain it- it wasn;t like something happened and I was upset or angry-  I was just eating!!    I will have to jot this down in my journal and speak to my therapist and try to figure this one out.  I don;t want this to continue as this is how I ended up like this anyways.  It is just a viscious cycle with me and I do so well for a while and then have a day like today where out of nowhere-  it just happens.  I am really anxious about getting to the root of this and I am going to post it on the board and see what feedback i get  and I can;t wait to talk to the Dr and nutritionist.  I just don;t want to have any doubts that I am doing the right thing.  I haven;t all along and I am still very excited and anxious about getting it done just concerned now that I had an "old  me "day and I don;t know what happened or where it came from and I don;t like to not have answers!!  Well just do much better tommorrow and take the kids for a hike or  some type of real good exercise

Well I have to say that coworkers and friends have already been complimenting me on my weight loss and stating to me that they don;t think I need the surgery and so on.  At last check I had only lost just under 5lbs but I have been walking a lot and maybe things are shaping up a little.  It is still nice to hear anyways!!  Maybe it is they're now aware of my surgery date and that they are just more intuned wo what I am going through?  Either way-  I feel great and I am happy and I think that is what is showing through the most right now.  There is a solution- the part I have been missing- for such a long time that is going to change and has already changed my life for the better.  Just feels like such a weight off my shoulders-  no pun intended.  But seriously- just knowing that I will be getting this done and the progress that I am making and plan to make is just making this whole experience ridiculous!!! 

When I first started this journey- I was trying to keep things private becuase I have alwasy been embarrassed of my weight and would get very angry if I heard anyone make a comment or even family ask-  what I am doing about it, etc  But now that I am so focused and have had such great support from this site and friends and family-  I can;t contain my excitement!!  I feel like I have an army behind me now that will not allow me to fail in any way!!  Most importantly-  my focus is so clear now-  I am doing somethig great for myself and I am feeling so positive about my decision and am looking so forward to the big changes that I am going through both physically and what I feel more importantly- mentally.  I already am seeing positive changes in myself and I just want to keep going.  I feel like nothing can stop me now.  

So I have told all my coworkers and they have all been very supportive and happy for me and it is just fueling the fire that I have started and I am just gonna keep stayig positive becuase it is a new and different look for me and I love it!!!

Well I must say I am really doing alright with all of this now.  My family has come around and are being very supportive and asking positive questions now.  I have been telling everyone I know because I am so excited and there are so many people who know people or have had it done themsleves as I am finding out.  I have been practicing eating without drinking and sipping instead of gulping and I am doing really well.  I got back on the scale today and I am at 258.8 which by my calculation is down 4.7lbs since since.  So I am happy about that and really happy to see that getting rid of soda and remaining focused has already brough me here.  I am so in the zone!!!  I will continue on and remain strong!!  Well too tired for anymore right now

Well now that I have my appts set up  June 2nd- ultrasound for gallstones and then June 12th for nutriton, psych, labs, and Dr. Lautz-  I am just waiting.  I was told to lose some weight before the surgery- not how much or anything but just make some progress.  I was told no more soda!  Which I didn;t realize that I have soda everyday if not twice a day.  I felt kind of like crap the first couple of days-  I would imagine that would be all the sugar that I wasn't getting from the soda.  Funny becuase I would drink Ginger Ale to "settle" my stomach.  Oh well, if I want this to work i have to go by exactly what they tell me.  So I have really taken what they PA Dorothy and Dr. Lautz have said and I am really putting it in motion.  I have been walking and really watching what i eat and practicing chewing really well and sipping instead of gulping.  I have to get on the no drinks when I eat thing,  did it for lunch today and  it felt awkward not to have a drink but I waited the allotted half hour after as well.  So I just have to keep up my practices and follow Dr's orders.  Will be calling Eileen today to get the number for my sleep test for sleep apnea and to double check if my surgery will be at BW or Faulkner.  Well that will be all for today, at least for now.  Off and running to walk them up to the soccer field- which is across town!  Great exercise!!  Keep it up Andrea!!

Well after putting myself through hell with stressing out about the consultation for today-  it was great!!  I got in there and filled out my paperwork and then was given a mini-physical and found out that I am a whopping 263.5 with a BMI of 40.  Then I met with one of the Physician's assts- Dorothy- who was fabulous.  At first I had that- "look at this little skinny "b" coming in here to tell me stuff" but I was quickly turned around by her directness and kindness and patience.  I broke down a couple of times and she just listened and reassured me I was doing the right thing to get healthy and not to feel like a failure.  She was very thorough at explaining and answering questions and helping me decide which  surgery would be the best for me.  Then comes in Dr. Lautz-  what a great guy.  He was very professional but had a smile gong on behind there just to ease you enough to know that you are in the right hands.  I couldn't be happier right now.

Well tommorrow is my consultation and I have am a nervous wreck!  I must have posted a million questions on the OH boards and just am being so impatient with myself.  I haven;t been sleeping well cause I just have it in my head that somehow there is something that will be going wrong and that somehow this might not happen.   SO I am still struggling with that goal to keep things positive!!  Anyways-  I am waiting to hear back from the other OH posters about what to expect tommorrow.  I have had some good feedback about writing down all of my questions so I don;t get stagefright once I get in there.  Well Eileen just called to confirm my appt and told me that Dr. Lautz will be meeting with me to deem my surgery necessary or not and then she schedules my appts and surgery from then on.  So a little is taken off of my mind but I am in tears right now from my nerves!!  I am excited but still so scared that this might not happen.  Please let me find some peace from myself!!  Will probably write another paragraph tonight and then again when I don;t sleep again tonight!!