Gratitude under the circumstances

Dec 07, 2009

I am so thankful for the second chance at life I was given as a result of the RNY. On Saturday, I lost one of my closest childhood friends. She was 31, and she died of a heart attack. It's so hard not to think about how that could have been me if I hadn't changed my lifestyle. It's such a shock to lose her so suddenly, but I can't help but realize that could have easily been me. And it's hard for me to not blame her for not changing her lifestyle. I feel guilty for thinking that. At the same time, I keep thinking this is all a big practical joke, and she'll surprise us all at the funeral home. But I know better, and it's such a huge loss.

I've had a lot of other stress lately. Mark lost his job in September. The kids are so unruly. My schedule at work is a mess, and now it's peak season. There are so many things that would have triggered an emotional eating binge in my former life. Now I get the urge to exercise, drink coffee or try on itty bitty clothes. So I guess those are all better than the alternative.

I've gotten used to all the skinny, "wasting away", "blow you over", etc. jokes and comments. Why shouldn't I be proud to have thighs that don't touch and wear these clothes? LOL  And what does it mean when a guy meows at you in Starbucks? I thought he meant I was being a catty bitch, but I was being very nice, so what was the meow for? Was that good, bad or was he just off his meds? And I swear every ex-boyfriend I ever had has decided to come out of the woodwork and send me friend requests on Facebook. What is up with that? They missed their chance, and I have the best husband ever. He loved me for me when I was fat and never knew me skinny.

At my 1 year check up, my NUT told me to eat more carbs and get in more calories because of all the weight training and running. I never thought I would hear that. And even though I think I have so much extra skin, my surgeon doesn't think I do and doesn't think I need any plastic surgery (thankful for that). I am scared to eat more, but I know I have to. If I don't, I will get too skinny and my body will start going after the muscle I've built.

And I still don't see what other people see when I look in the mirror. I can see the change in photos, but not in the mirror. For the past two days, I have felt fat. WTF???? I know I'm not. I wear small and extra small. I wear a freakin' 4. I've lost 167 lbs, and I used to wear 26/28. I don't know why I feel like this. It's like I was at one extreme, and I am afraid that I am heading to another without realizing it.

My ideal weight range is 130-157 for my height and frame, and I am at 141. I don't want to lose any more weight. I just want to continue to maintain. So I am thinking maybe I need to go back to my therapist and find out why I feel fat. I wish my brain and my eyes could catch up to the rest of my body.

I've decided I want custom running shoes for Christmas. If someone would have told me that one day I would enjoy running, I would have laughed in their face. But I really enjoy it. I'm so thankful that I can run now. It used to hurt to walk, and now I can run. Wow!

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