msmanley21

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Since I made the decision to go ahead and have the WLS I have had a wide mix of emotions. A friend of mine had it done in January of 2007 and I seen the roller coaster of emotions that it had on her. I swore then that I would never resort to that. I felt that I could lose the weight on my own so I really tried hard. I started working out and I was doing pretty good. But the weight was just not coming off. I was seeing a difference in my clothes as they were getting smaller. My trainer at the gym said it was because I was gaining muscle. But nothing builds confidence like seeing that scale go down. I got all the way down to 283 and am now back up to 300. I have not given up I have just resigned myself to the fact that I need help. But it is not just with the weight. It is with my lifestyle. Lets face it, if we were disciplined the chances are we would not have the weight issues that we have. So today I begin the journey of taking charge and being more disciplined. A little over a year ago I had my ife turned upside down with what I thought at the time were good changes. Well, they turned out to be pure hell. I am still recovering from those changes. I let my step daughter and her kids move in with us to get back on her feet as she was splitting up from her husband. We have never had problems getting along and all 3 of her kids know me as grandma and love me as I love them. Well she turned out not to be the person I thought she was. That on top of 2 surgeries within the past year and countless other things such as losing my best friend from childhood. All of this while trying to go to school for nursing. Needless to say I pretty much lost it about 2 months ago. She is now gone, and I have started trying to put my life back together again. I am a very positive person, and have always tried to keep positive. But there is only so much a person can take. So here I sit at 5:13 in the morning thinking about all this and the WLS surgery and what it means to me. It means having a life once again. I want to be able to be more active. I have always loved nature and hiking and have not really been able to do anything with it in  years. I want that back. I have NEVER been on a roller coaster as I am afraid of being embarrassed that I won't fit. I don't travel by air much anymore because I need an extender for the seat belt. I avoid any kind of amusement park. I want to go to Disney so bad but afraid it would be a waste of money. All of these fears have given me anxiety that thankfully is under control. Even with all the BS I been through the past year I have been abe to maintain control over that. I want to be able to shop at a regular store. I want to be abe to whipe my own butt without having to practically bend over backwardsd. I know this sounds shallow, but I want to be able to explore sexual positions that I have not been able to do in years if at all. My biggest fear, and it sounds shallow, is that I will have tons of excess skin and it will make me look way older than I am. Even though that is a real possibility it is not enough to deter me from my goal. I have not picked out a goal weight. I know what I want, but then reality sets in. However, having looked at before and after pics on here may have changed that for me. I still have to think about it. There is a big part of me that would love to be down to 130. The hardest thing I think is going to be giving up my relationship with food. It has been there for me a lot, way too much to be honest. I have accepted that. I think it will be harder than I think, but I am a strong person and beieve that I can do it. On the plus side. My mother had WLS last surgery and has lost a lot of weight. She is almost 60 and is definitely healthier however she looks older. I love her and would never tell her. But she does.The good thing is that now that she has had the surgery she is no  longer diabetic. That is probably my number one goal. To get off the Metformin for good. I will do anything to keep from having to go to insuin. I realize that a lot of this is very personal and maybe TMI but I just felt like sharing me with you all.