MsTonya610
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1st Fill Today!!

Sep 05, 2007

Well I got my first fill today and it was pain free and I am very excited to eat some real food to see if my fill is reall working or not.  I am excited it's like they justr gave me the batteries for my band. 

Losing the Real Me

Sep 03, 2007

As you can see from my pic I am a African-American woman and I have been raised in away that my weight has never been a big issue to me growing up  I have always been popular had lots of friends and boyfriends.  I have always been the "cute fat girl"!!!!   I have always been the fat girl in my group of friends and that made me stand out from the crowd in a good way.   And now I have gone and had a surgery to change everything that I am and not I am not sure how to deal with it.  And I not sure if this is a race thing or what.  I had the lap-band surgery not to lose weight because I felt bad about myself and the way I looked,  I had surgery because I wanted to take control of my weight before it caused me my health.  I thought I was "all that and a bag of chips" before surgery.  Now I look in the mirror and I see things changing and I wonder where the real me is going and will I lose her in the process.  I sometime wonder if because I my race and my culture am I to comfortable with my weight and size.  When I started my journey I was 16 pounds from the 300 mark and I was fine with the number on the scale.  Now I freak out over a 1/2 pound loss or gain. I think I have a fear of truly fitting in and look like everyone else.  I am I just crazy???    

 

BORED!!!

Sep 02, 2007

I am finding that I am always bored always and I used to eat to kill time, but now since I am working on my eating I really don't have much to do.  I don't have many friends without children so when I want to go out or do something I usually have to do it alone or not at all.  As for my "boyfriend"  we are like day and night and our "relationship" is becoming much of nothing.  I need a big change in my life and I am not sure what that change is and how to go about making it happen.  I want to move to a new state and maybe tha change will work but then I just feel like in a new place I would really be lonely.  Something needs to change in my life im not sure what and how to change it but I really need to work on it.  I really think I need to be in a new relationship with someone who is my partner.

Few good day

Aug 29, 2007

I have been having a few really good days I had a NSV, I have not cheated at all, and I attended a support group meeting and I really enjoyed myself I will be going back.  I just hope they continue I really like them. 

Turkey Day Challenge!!!!

Aug 27, 2007

I decide to start a Turkey Day Challenge I have an outfit that I got a while ago and NEVER wore cause it never fit.  I will be taking pics of myself in the outfit  every week and I will post then all when I am done,  I hope to able to wear the outfit to thanksgiving dinner and lose at least 20 lbs if all goes well.  This is going to motivate me so much!!!! 

This is going to be really hard

Aug 26, 2007

I am learning to take it one day at a time and so far today I am doing ok.  I hope the rest of the day goes so well.  I am just trying to look at the big picture see how the decision that I make about the what I eat and I am trying to learn that I make to big of a deal over food.  I eat when I am bored, happy, and sad and to general make myself feel better I have to learn better ways of cooping or I will not be successful with my band at all.  I have been making excesses for why I do the things that I do and I have to just face the fact that I do these things to temporally make myself feel better nothing more.  But I know I would feel better or good if I lost weight and was able to buy new clothes and feel better about myself.  I just have to work on me one day at a time I guess and really think about why I am eating what I eat and is it going to help me get to my goal.    

My New Moto

Aug 22, 2007

I am trying out a moto "If it's not helping me then it's hurting me".  This is what I am going to aske myself before i eat thing I am really going to work at this.  I have always been on of those people who when I mess up the whole day is shot.  I want to work on curing this if anyone has any advice PLEASE let me know.

My Final Last Day!!!!!

Aug 20, 2007

Today is my final last day my last day to say this is the last day that I am going to eat this or not go to the gym.  I have been setting my own self up for failure since everyday becomes a last to over eat and not exercise.  I have to face the fact that I didn't get into the situation that I am in overnight so it is silly for me to think that I will be able to get myself out of it overnight.  I have to take it one day at a time the same way I put on all me extra weight.  It read that it takes 30 day of doing something to make it a habit, so will be taking the next 30 day to challenge this.  I have all the tools I need up to this point now I have to use them.  I have my band, a gym membership, support and the drive to do what I need to do.  I just have to take one day, hour, minute and second at a time to reach my goal and stop expecting magic to happen just because had surgery which is what I have been expecting.  This is really going to be a lesson in patients for me which is something that I really don't have.   I want so much to post my after pictures and be one of those people who is inspirational to other.  But I can’t do that doing what I am doing now I have to change just about everything about me. Right now I have some many things in my life that are not going that well that I really have no control over. I have control over this I have to make this a positive in my life and not a great failure.  I get my first fill on September 5, I hope it gets me the restriction that I need to lose all I can.  But until then I have to work really hard to stay on top and this is my final last day. I can't fail, Iwill not  fail, I won't fail failure is not an opinion.  

THIS F***ING THING IS NOT WORKING!!!!!!

Aug 20, 2007

Im starting to fill like I may have made a mistake getting the Lap-Band.  Right now I don't have fill and I feel like nothing has changed for me.  I feel like I am just on another diet that I am having problems with.  I have been eating a cup to a cup and a half of food like I have been told to and I am not getting full at all. And all I keep thinking is WTF.  I just hope that getting a fill helps this problem.

As much as I would like to be a Loser Im just a Cheater!!!

Aug 15, 2007

 I had a really bad day yesterday and I feel right back into my old habits and I am so ashamed of myself.  I got upset and I overate but because of my band I ate way less than I would have in the past but I ate things that I shouldn’t be eating at all and I hide it from my family and friends.  Because I knew what I was doing was wrong.  I laid on a cold ass table, risk my life, let a man cut me 5 times and insert a device all so that I can get my weight in control only to eat a couple sliders.  I am so pissed at myself, but I know I have to do better and not get to down on myself because that will only make things worse.  I am just going to have to pray on all of it and work to make it through this hard time.
About Me
MI
Location
29.9
BMI
LAP-BAND
Surgery
07/24/2007
Surgery Date
Aug 07, 2007
Member Since
Friends 114
Latest Blog 34
Im Down Today....
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