January 18, 2008

Jan 18, 2008

This is my first entry.  I have already met with the psychologist and attended the required seminar.  I will be attending the nutrition class a week from tomorrow, and my consultation is scheduled for February 19th.  I am so ready to go ahead with this, though, that I've asked the scheduler to put me on their cancellation list.  Hopefully, someone will get cold feet, and my appointment will get moved up! 

I'm conflicted about whether to tell anyone about this decision.  I know many will figure it out after I lose weight quickly, but I don't know if I want to tell them directly or not.  They can wonder all they want, but do I really have to tell them?

I know I need the support of my family and friends, but I'm worried about their reactions.  I've always been one who reads and researched extensively before making any kind of decision, so before I tell them (if I do), my decision will be made.  At that point, any negativity will just be really irritating and discouraging.  So, I'm not sure if I should do it or not.

I have to discuss this with my husband.  He knows I'm in this process, but we haven't had time to really talk about it.  I'm worried about the toll it will take on him if I'm out of commission for a week or two directly after surgery.

Then, there are my own feelings.  I am both ashamed and angry at the same time.  I'm angry that in order to be healthy mentally, I am forced into a position that makes it extremely difficult to be healthy physically.  I'm angry that my genetics make it so easy to be fat.  I'm angry that I let it go for so long.  But, I'm also ashamed.  I know that there have been plenty of times that I could have had more self-control, more discipline, and maybe I wouldn't be in as deep a hole as I am in.  At the same time, though, that makes me angry.  How many people NEVER have to deal with this issue?  Of course, we all have our temptations, trials, and difficulties to work through.  I tell my kids this all the time.  It really is true.  So, maybe this is part of mine.  I can't help but still feel a sense of shame about it, though.  It feels like I'm doing something wrong by choosing surgery. 

If something happens to me, my kids will be left without a mother and my husband without a wife.  How selfish is that?  But, then, if I don't do it, what kind of mother am I or will I be?  What kind of wife?  And, there's always the voice of the "shadow judges" who tell me there is a third option--the option I should have taken in the beginning--the option that says diet and exercise.  Maybe I just didn't try hard enough or have enough discipline.  Maybe I just didn't want it badly enough.  Maybe I was/am too selfish and undisciplined, wanting only immediate gratification. Maybe.  Maybe.  That's where the doubt and fear come from. 

I don't know the answers, and maybe I never will.  I am working on sorting these things out and finding my way.  I know I will in time.

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