Mysstwalker

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Size 8....SIZE 8!!!...SIZE FREAKING 8 JEANS FIT ON ME NOW! hehehehehehe

As I get closer to my surgery date, I have been thinking about all the different phases of life I have traveled through as a morbidly obese individual, about the person I have been over the years in one form or another.

Let me introduce you. They are real. They are me.

There’s the young girl who is so tired of crying inside all of the time. She looks at her thin friends with their cute clothes. She dreams of wearing those clothes and having the boys look at her. She’s tired of wanting to hide all of the time. She’s tired of feeling like she doesn’t fit in. Even in her own family. She’s tired of the disappointed look her mom tries to hide. She’s tired of her sisters making fun of her. She begins to fantasize about fitting in. Having a boyfriend. Tubing on the river with her friends and wearing a bikini. Laughing and going to parties. Being normal. 

There’s the woman who is tired of seeing jobs given to people far less qualified than her. She knows it’s because of her weight. She is tired of people never looking her straight in the eye when she is at the bank or in stores. She is sick of elastic waisted pants and long ugly shirts to hide her stomach and butt. She is tired of having to settle for clothes just because they fit. Even though they are ugly and completely not her style. She has to go to a wedding soon and is dreading it because she can’t find anything to wear. It seems she has spent her whole life feeling like she is on the outside looking in. Just once she wants to know what it’s like to feel pretty. What it’s like just to feel normal. She’s tired of hating what she sees every time she looks in the mirror.

There’s the woman who has battled with her weight all of her life. Her husband has left her for a younger and thinner woman, annihilating her feelings of self worth. She dreams she can shed the overwhelming shame she feels along with the weight and won’t have to live in terror of running into the ex or the other woman. She begins to fantasize about running into him in a “sexy - in your face outfit” She never dares to hope that maybe she even has a chance of finding a special new someone.

Then there’s the Mom. She tired of her whole life being defined by her size and her weight loss attempts. Her mom put her on her first diet when she was 8. By the time she was 15 she was a compulsive dieter and over the years and she has dieted herself up to 500pounds. She can only sit and watch while her daughter plays at the park. She sadly watches another mom swinging with her kids. She yearns to run and play and swing with her own child.  She is forever haunted by the humiliation of having the chair break under her while sitting at a restaurant. She is unable to squeeze into seats at the movie theatre and cant go into restaurants because of not fitting into the booth. She is so afraid that she embarrasses her daughter and family in public. She worries when her daughter brings friends over that they will be embarrassed. She wants so badly for her daughter, family, and friends to be proud of her. She’s tired of feeling like a failure because she has tried every thing. She’s just about lost all hope.

After being all of this, all these years, it's hard to get my head around the idea of NOT being any of these people anymore.  I have nightmares about being one of the few people that a bypass will not work for, that I will always be like this, no matter what I do.  Im scared of the surgery, but I am more scared of dying young and leaving my daughter and family behind way too soon.  Guess I just need to keep my fingers crossed, my mind clear, and my determination strong.

I first started lowcarbing in 2003, and lost some weight on it.  Only problem was, I stalled out, and never lost any more after that.  Then, my ex abandoned me and my daughter in Texas, and I was homeless because of it, with my daughter staying with a family from church, apart from me.   I came back to California with my daughter, and settled back with my family.  Unfortunately during that time in Texas, I put on a LOT of weight.  No matter what I did, the weight wouldnt come off.  I tried everything, lowcarb, phen fen, starvation, you name it, I did it.

I knew I was super morbidly obese, but had no idea what my true weight was.  I was on meds for high BP, arthritis, having recurrent cellulitis.  I have not been in a store to shop for almost 8 years now, because of my knees and my weight.  I have depended on my daughter more than any parent ever should, and have missed a lot of stuff with my daughter because of my health condition, and because of complete and utter shame and humiliation at being seen by anyone.

Last year, in October, I was as low as I could get I think.  I started thinking that if I got a life insurance policy, waited out the suicide clause, and then ended my miserable existence, at least my daughter would be taken care of financially, and I would no longer be in pain constantly.  This was late one night, and I was on the computer aimlessly surfing while thinking about it.  I decided to look at the Dr. Phil site, thinking maybe at least I could write and maybe get a book or something to help me with how I felt.  On the website in the category where they are looking for people to be on the show, I saw a link that they were looking for people weighing over 500 pounds to help.  I didnt know if I weighed over that, but figured I would probably be pretty darn close.  I wrote a letter to them, telling them my past, my plan to make sure my daughter was taken care of, and stating the truth, that everyday that I woke up, I felt it was just to die a little more each time.  I was tired of the pain and ridicule, and watching my life pass me by.  I didnt think I would hear anything, but it was kind of soothing to let it out to someone who doesnt know me, and probably never would.  The next day, I returned from picking my daughter up from school, and my mom said that someone from the Dr. Phil show had called to talk to me.  whoa.  I was shocked, and terrified.  I called her back, and spend the next two days in extensive interviewing with her, and she interviewed my daughter too.  She requested pictures of me, which I sucked it up and sent, and told me the show would be taped on November 2nd.  This was only a couple of weeks away.  

She told me that she wanted me on the show, that it should be no problem with the final say of the producer, and she would get ahold of me as soon as she knew more.  at the end of October, she called me saying the show had been pushed to December, but they still wanted me, and to continue as it was going to happen.  I was happy, and for the very first time in a long time, felt some hope.  At the end of November, I saw the intro to the Dr. Phil show...about a 500 pound woman...and it featured an update on another woman that the Dr. Phil staffer had told me would be part of the show I would be on.  She had lied to me, they chose someone else and didnt even have the balls to tell me.  I was devestated.  I felt like my last chance of ANY hope was gone.  Another lady from Dr. Phil contacted me in December, saying they were working on show ideas and that I would be on one, that I would hear from her in January after they were back from hiatus.

I never heard anything.

I figured I wasnt spectacular enough, I didnt sit there and stuff food into my mouth, 6 burgers at one sitting, eating three pizzas for dinner washed down by a 2 liter of soda with donuts for dessert, I wasnt RATING WORTHY...we all know thats what matters, it isnt who he can help, it is who he can help that will get the biggest shock factor, the biggest ratings, the biggest paycheck.

I abandoned the though of help, and resigned myself to the fact that I would probably die young from obesity and its complications.  My doctor had recommended a gastric bypass, my insurance denied me, and stated there was a two year waiting list.  Low carb did nothing.  I didnt think I would see 42 years old this year.

My grandmother learned what had happened with the show, and that my insurance turned me down for a bypass.  She would make comments like Oh honey, isnt there any way you can get that surgery, it would save your life!  She is 95 years old, half blind, in a wheelchair, but still sharp as a tack.  I told her I didnt see a way, that I was going to just deal with the cards dealt to me best as I can.  In June, my grandmother told me that she wanted me to have that surgery, and that she was going to pay for it.  I was shocked, I told her no, you need your money, you dont have a lot of savings, that is money you worked hard for, you need it. I love you for the offer, but I cant do that.  SHe said you dont know everything.  Handed me a paper with her mutual fund statement on it and said its not a problem.  My lil grandma, working for sunkist, sorting rotten lemons for 50 years, with an alcoholic husband to boot, had managed to squirrel away almost half a million dollars.  and she wanted to use some of it for me.  I cried, because I couldnt imagine someone loving me enough to do that for me, but she did.  In July, I went to an information seminar with my parents and daughter, and the next night attended the support group that is at Parkview Hospital.  They welcomed me with open arms.  

By the next week, I had my initial consultation with the surgeon, who is wonderful.  He gave me a  list of medical clearances to get, tests I had to take, and ahhhh here is the tough part, he wanted me to lose 50 pounds to make the surgery safer and easier to do laproscopically.  So I embarked on Dr. Krahn's diet from hell.  one protein drink in the morning, one in the afternoon, then 4-6 ounces cooked meat and a small side serving of a dark green leafy veggie.  at least half a gallon of water a day.  No caffiene, no soda, no or practically none in the carb dept.  Kinda sounds like that diet that starts with a K that shall not be named, but under doctor supervision.  I also got my true weight that day.

506 pounds.

Your whole perception of who you are, and how you are perceived by others changes when you see that number that represents the amount you weight.  Over a quarter of a ton.  I couldnt help it, I started crying, and my doctor hugged me and said its ok, you can do this, then we will do the surgery and I know you will do great.  I believed him.

Lets cut to December 11th.  I have gotten all my testing and clearances done.  Now, have I lost enough weight?  I step on the scale.....From July 16th to December 12th, I have lost a total 58 pounds!  I was ecstatic, in tears, hugging everyone I could get ahold of.  The last couple months I have noticed im walking easier, fitting in my car better, I dont have to hang on to stuff to get out of my car, I just use one hand on the wheel for a push and I am up and out.  But the way I feel inside has changed too.  There is still pain, my knees are bad, but also inside is a huge amount of hope.  I see the light at the end of the tunnel, I feel I will succeed.  I will once again become the person I used to be, the one that had self-worth, and confidence.  The person I knew that was worthy of being loved, and not just worth being with whoever wasnt too disgusted to be with me. I guess in effect, I will once again be ME....the ME I miss, the ME I have always wanted to be.

My surgery is scheduled for January 30th.  I am scared, excited, apprehensive, all at one time.  I know it wont be easy, and I know afterwards I will basically be eating low carb, so this is the best place for me to be both before and after.  Saturday is a Christmas party for my WLS support group, and it is the first time I have attended any kind of social gathering party in probably 8 years.  Im scared, I dont know what to wear, but im happy too, because for the first time in a long time, I am making a few friends and having a bit of fun.  If I am having this much fun now, then when I lose my weight, it should be heaven.

If you have read this long post, thank you for doing so.  I am really glad to be here, and look forward to trying to be a source of support for each of you also, both before my surgery and after.  For the first time in my life, Im going to be able to say I am PROUD TO BE A LOSER!!!

Much love,
Mysstwalker
(Michelle)