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News - My blod sugar is getting so low now that Kaiser says I have hypoglycemia. YEAH ME!  At least I am still losing weight & close to my goal of 135 - I hope to have the $7,200.00 saved up soon so I can get my tummy tuck! All in all, God is good & I am happy to be alive! 

So, I am unhappy to report, I have gained some weight back. (damn chocolate!)

Today, I decided to stop eating the junk & start working the program again. I am so stupid for ever touching the chocolate. What was I thinking??? Gaining weight back won't happen to me.... WRONG!!!

I wish I had the dumping syndrome when I even look at the food I am not supposed to have.

I plan to track my calories. I am hoping that this will show me what I am intaking every day. Then I can see how many calories I need to stop taking in!

WISH ME LUCK ~ AND SAY SOME PRAYERS FOR ME

So, I thought that I would post an update. I try to do at least one post a month.  I have been doing great. I am at 158.8 today. I am wearing a size 14/16 & love it! I feel so good. I can't even put into words how good I feel. I had to go through alot in order to get here. However, I believe that God had a reason for having me go through it all. I know that I am a much stronger person now because of what I have gone through the past few months.

I could not have made it to where I am today if my husband was not with me. He stood by my side the entire time. He never waivered. Sure, he cried a few times & yelled a bit because he was scared. He told me several times that he as concerned that I was going ot go to sleep & just not wake up.

Thank God I kept waking up. I know that I am a stronger person now because of everything that I had to go through. I had gotten to a point where I asked my doctor to reverse the surgery.  I am glad that he never even considered doing that.

Thank you all for the much needed prayers. Thanks to Judy for coming to see me in the hospital & continually calling to check on me. I looked forward to the phone calls from you even if most of the time you had to leave a message.  Debi & Monique came to see me to. It was nice to have people come to the hospital to see me. 

I have so much energy & I feel great. I am glad that I had RNY WLS. The surgery does work. Sure it's risky. For me the benefits outweighed the risks.  Thanks to my wonderful husband I was able to make it through all of the problems I had. Now, he is enjoying the smaller me to. (although he says my butt is a bit bony! LOL) !

So, I ended up going to Kaiser Richmond & was admitted upstairs for monitoring & hydrating. My labs basically said to the doctors that I was starving, dehydrated & that some of my vital organs were starting to shut down. My kidneys, liver & pancreas all had some type of abnormal results when they took my blood. After being in the hospital for 1 week I was starting to get fed up that I was still there. They had run some small tests because I had demanded that they do something with me.  I kept blowing veins so I would have anywhere from 5 - 12 needle pricks every day in order to keep a line in me. Sometimes I would go through 2 - 3 IV's in a day. It was very painful.

The doctor's finally agreed that it was time to insert a PIC Line in my main artery so that they had a way to always get to my blood & to provide medicine or nourishment if something went terribly wrong. I had a wonderful roommate named Mari. She was my savior while I was there. I just know that God had her in the hospital that day in my room. She helped me so much. I am not sure I would have been able to keep up with everything had she not been there to help me.

I had a CT scan with contrast, Upper GI with Dye, Ultrasound & a partial Endoscopy.  All of the tests showed no problem in my insides at all.  So, of course the Dr.'s were all thinking that my pouch just needed resting.  Keep in mind that at this point I had not had any food or liquid in over 3 weeks.  I had lost over 30 lbs in this time frame & I looked like I was walking DEATH!  I was so pale. My eyes were sucked in my face & I was weak.  They ended up putting my on bagged/IV nutrition. One bag is lipids & looks like milk. One bag is vitamins & fats and looks like urine. LOL

I also had 2 - 3 other bags that I was fed depending upon what my blood tests said.  I had to have magnesium & Potassium. BOY DOES THAT BURN YOUR VEINS!!!I got tired of paying $300.00 a day 2 sit in a hospital & watch TV. I was not getting better I was just staying alive at that point.

With my husbands help, we told my doctor that if they did not schedule some type of procedure to explore or fix me that the following day at 11:00am I was going to be checking myself out of the hospital. I think that made him mad a bit. It also got his head going & made his ass move. He then booked the ER for the following day, 6/16/08 @6:30pm. I was the last surgery for the day.

The plan was for them to do 2 procedures at the same time.  Dr. Im would do an endoscopy on me going down my throat with a camera to see if the inside of my throat &/or pouch had something wrong with it.  The 2nd part was Dr. Baggs to do. He would re-enter my belly laproscopically & do exploratory surgery. They planned to remove my Gall Bladder just in case it was the culprit of all of the problems.  There was a high chance that I would wake up with a feeding tube in my belly. This was so that I could eat at home even if it was not with my mouth.  I was just happy that they were going to be doing something to try to solve my problems. I did not get into the pre-op room until 8:00pm. I went into surgery about 45 minutes to an hour after & then woke up & felt groggy.  I expected to be in pain for some reason. I wasn't.

I had begged Dr. Baggs to take as much gas out of my insides as he could. He spent an extra 20 minutes in the operating room removing the excess air that was left in my abdomen from the inflation to do the surgery laparoscopic. I saw my hubby a few hours later & by the time I remember talking to him it was after midnight. He came to my room to tell me what they found & what they did.

I had my Gall Bladder removed because it was distended & full of Grit/Slush.  I had 2 hernia repairs: One from an old C-Section I had in 2002 and One in my belly button. (OUCH!!! The belly button hurt bad!!!)I had scar tissue wrapped around my intestines which was causing me to not be able to tolerate food or water AT ALL! (I knew something was wrong!!!) This may sound strange but I was so happy to hear that something was really wrong with me! 

Thank God that the doctors were able to locate it and fix it.  They ended up not having to insert a feeding tube in my belly.  Since they found what was wrong & were able to fix it, they figured I should be able to eat just fine a few days after surgery. Both doctors came in the next day to see me. The reason they did not think that Scar Tissue around my intestines was the problem is because the usual time frame for some one to suffer from this as a side effect form WLS is at least 6 months and mostly several years out. I was 2 weeks out when I started having symptoms. 

They are not sure why this happened to me. They do know that it was nothing I did or could have prevented. I was able to get up and walk with little pain. I could eat & drink. The first time I tasted Tomato soup - I thought I was in heaven.  I was so happy to be able to eat. I never realized how badly mal-nourished I was until I started to eat. I got my color back, my strength back & my zest for life!

I thank God daily for making me stick to my guns with the doctors. I just know that I would have had even more wrong with me if I had not put my foot down & demanded that they fix me.

PLEASE ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT.

Sure they are our doctors and they want the best for us.  Only you can tell them what is wrong.  You are the only one who can really fix you!  Sometimes we need help. I just knew something was wrong. God kept me calm enough to stay at the hospital until they fixed me. I am enjoying life & loving every minute of every day! I take NOTHING for granted! NOTHING!

 

I'm 1 month out of surgery & at this point have had nothing but complications. I have been in & out of the ER so many times. It's $100.00 every time I go in. I hate the way I feel. The doctors don't know what is wrong with me. I haven't been able to eat or drink anything in over 2 weeks. I am so hungry & so thirsty I feel like my body is dying. I think my systems are shutting down. I have started to loose lots of hair.  I'm only 1 month out!

Why is this happening to me>? Maybe I shouldn't have done this to myself & my family.  I have stressed my husband out so bad. He looks like death.  I miss being full of energy & being able to take a drink of water & actually feel refreshed by it. Not nauseated!

I am sure I will be back in the ER again. Maybe they will figure out what is wrong & either fix me or reverse this damn Bypass. I wish I wouldn't have had this surgery.  It wasn't supposed to be like this.

I hope that no one ever has to go through what I have had to go through.  It has been so hard on me & my family. Not just emptionally & physically but financially too!  I think that God is trying to tell me that I made a mistake. I miss being able to go to group on Wednesday. I'm lucky if I can get up off the couch to go to the potty. I haven't got the energy to even talk with people over the phone. I use to love to talk to people all day. Now, I just want to sleep!

I had no second thoughts as I walked into the operating room. I thought that I would, but I didn't!  I guess that is probably because God gave me 100 % peace with my discision to have WLS.

Before I got into the actual room where my life would soon change forever, I waited in the pre-op room hooked up to an IV for over 1 hour. I think it was closer to 1:45.  I was given a shot of heprin in my arm to prevent blood clots.  It hurt like heck!

The nurses here were so nice. They kept bringing me warm blankets.  I guess that they did this because they knew that the operating room was freezing cold! AND BOY WAS IT!!!

I woke up after surgery with a tad bit of nausea & just feeling woozy.  After going in & out for about 1-2 hours I was finally awake enough to have a conversation with my post-op recovery room nurse.  I never got his name, but he was very nice.  After being in recovery for a few hours I was wheeled upstairs to the 3rd floor to my room.  My room was 305A. It was a good room. I had a great roomie who had the same surgery as me but she had Dr. Parks as her surgeon. I had Dr. Baggs. (At least I think she had Parks!) (LOL).

I had horible pain from the gas that they inflate you with to do the surgery laproscopic.  But other than that I had no pain at all!  I used my pain pump the entire first day I was there. I got up and walked every few hours.  The walking felt great but the getting up out of bed & getting back into bed sucked!!!

I must say that I had great nurses & actually enjoyed the 2 days in the hospital. It was like a short vacation away from the normal life I leed.  I could have gone home the day after surgery but didn't because I was not able to get enough liquids down. So, Dr. Baggs kept me 1 more day.  No biggie!

The 2nd day I was able to tolerate fluids a bit more.  I didn't like the taste of the Carafate. It reminds me of baby lotion. EWW!  My husband came to get me around noon. We went down stairs to the Medical Secretaries Department to complete the disability paperwork for me.  After dropping it off, we went to the gift shop & got me my Medical ID Braclet. You know, the one that says "NO BLIND NG TUBE" - GASTRIC BYPASS!

Well, I am home now, feeling well but tired a bit.  I have my mom here to help me with my daughter and to keep me company.  I like the fact that she is here because she will baby me!  LOL  She reminds me to get up and do my walking even when I am to tired to move.  All in all I am progressing as best as can be expected at this point.

Thank God that the surgery went well & that I had no complications.  I just know that my life will be so much better now that I can get my weight under control. 

So, i am getting ready for work. I have a few hours to go before I head to Richmond for my 4 pre-op appointments today.  I am not anxious at all about the appointments. I am still a bit anxious about the surgery.  So, please keep me in your prayers. I know I can use every one of them I can get.  I will post an update when Iget a chance later on today.  I am so thrilled that I get to meet with Dr. Baggs again and I get to see the Anasthsiaologist and Nutritionist. I am looking forward to a day full of appointments and information. I LOVE to learn!

 

(Remember to get bridge toll and money for lunch!) ; )

I saw Dr. Schnurr today for the last time.  I had to see her again because I have to, once again, prove to her that I am mentally stable enough to have WLS. 

At the begining of this appointment I met Dr. Schnurr and she greeted me as though she and I were best friends.  She was very nice to me and even said to me, "How have you been?" "You look so good!" "How much have you lost so far?" "I am so happy for you."

(This was not the same lady that I saw last time. Last time I saw her she was very cut throat and dry! - We will see if she goes back to her old self!)

We walked the "maze" of offices to wind up at her office.  I sat down and she started looking for my file. She then tells me that she has been unable to locate my file and has searched everywhere for it. She could not locate her notes about me on her computer either. WOW! This sounds so familiar. This has happened before. My case got slowed to a stand still for over 3 months because she could not locate my file! (read previous blogs for more  history between Schnurr and I)

I then told her that I saw Liz the day before and that Liz may still have my file. So, she left me in her office for 5 minutes while she went to Liz and hunted my file down. Now she would have known I saw Liz yesterday had she checked on her COMPUTER to see where my last appointment was. Common sense would tell anyone to look at the spot where it was last at. So, if my last appontment was with Liz, then check with Liz! (a-duh!!!)

When she came back into the room she had my file with her. THANK GOD! she made the comment that my file was in the "Surgery Scheduled box." I alreadt knew that!

We then started going over her previous notes which she finally found after searching her computer 10-15 times and 30 minutes into my 1 hour appointment. She asked me the same basic questions and at one point even told me that she had mailed the letters to me like she said she did. YEAH RIGHT! I doubt that all 5 of them were lost in the mail. She said that she now sends mail CERTIFIED because of my issue with not ever receiving it.

She asked me about my previous appointment with her and why things went the way they did. I told her that I was very nervous before I got to her and most of it was because I was on my cycle. I had not had my cycle in almost 6 months prior to the day before I was her. So, my hormones were all over and that is why she saw me crying when she brought up my sisters death. I told her that it was not because I am depressed or suffer from anxiety but because I was  "EMOTIONALLY RAW" that day.

She actually said something that shocked me  - "That makes sense then!"" THANK GOD FOR THESE WORDS!!!

I was given Thumbs Up by Dr. Schnurr after spending almost 2 hours in that room with her. Most of out time together was spent by her looking for my file. (I think that they need to find a better way to keep track of files. Make people sign them out!)

So, My surgery is still on for 5/5/08! Cinco De Mayo! Watch out baby  - HERE I COME!

I SAW LIZ, THE CASE MANAGER, TODAY. I HAVE HEARD SOME PEOPLE SAY THAT LIZ IS THE PERSON TO WATCH OUT FOR. SO, I WAS WONDERING HOW MY APPOINTMENT WITH HER WAS GOING TO GO. I STARTED OFF THE APPOINTMENT WITH A WEIGH IN WITH SARAH, ONE OF THE BARIATRIC NURSES.

I WEIGHED IN AT 212.6. ALMOST 1.5 LBS BELOW MY GOAL. AFTER THAT SARAH ASKED ME FOR MY COMPLETED TESTS. I OPENED MY BINDER AND GAVE THEM TO HER AND THEN WENT BACK INTO THE WAITING ROOM. ALMOST 5 MINUTES LATER LIZ CAME OUT AND GOT ME. I FOLLOWED HER TO HER OFFICE. SHE SITS CLOSE TO BEVERLY IN A CORNER OFFICE (with a door).

LIZ AND I STARTED TALKING ABOUT ARE PREVIOUS WEEKEND. I TOLD HER I WENT TO ANTIOCH TO VISIT MY PARENTS AND GO TO A BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR ONE OF ASHLEIGH'S FRIENDS. LIZ THEN SAID THAT SHE HAS SPENT HER WEEKEND WITH HER SISTER IN BYRON. THEY WENT HORSE BACK RIDDING AT HER SISTERS RANCH. ARE LITTLE BIT OF SMALL TALK BROKE THE ICE AND I INSTANTLY FELT AT EASE.

LIZ WENT OVER MY CHART AND ASKED ME SEVERAL QUESTIONS ABOUT THE FOOD I WAS EATING, THE EXERCISES I WAS DOING & MY WATER INTAKE. SHE ASKED TO SEE MY VITAMINS. I GAVE HER MY BOTTLES 1 BY 1 AND ASKED HER A FEW QUESTIONS ABOUT EACH. LIZ THEN SAID THAT THE CALCIUM CITRATE I PURCHASED WOULD BE PERFECT FOR ME 1 MONTH AFTER SURGERY BUT THAT I WOULD NEED TO PURCHASE THE "TWIN LAB WAFERS" FOR THE 1ST MONTH POST-OP. LIZ THEN SAID THAT I NEED TO START TAKING MY VITAMINS TODAY!!!

LIZ THEN TOLD ME THAT I SCORED A FULL 100% ON MY TEST. !!!yes!!! I ASKED HER WHERE I WOULD FIND THE INFORMATION ON THE MEAT TENDERIZER AND SHE TOLD ME THAT I COULD LOCATE IT ON THE PRINT OUT DR. BAGGS GAVE ME AT MY FIRST CONSULT WITH HIM. OF COURSE, I DO NOT HAVE THIS ANY LONGER BECAUSE I LOST MY ORIGINAL BINDER. I WILL HAVE TO REQUEST AN ADDITIONAL COPY SOMETIME BEFORE SURGERY! (note to self!)

AND THEN . . . LIZ SAID . . .

"WHAT DAY WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE YOUR SURGERY?" : ))))

I TOLD HER THAT I WAS FINE WITH ANY DAYS OTHER THAN MAY 11TH AND MAY 25TH. LIZ THEN SAID -

"HOW DOES MAY 5TH SOUND?" WOW!!!!! TWO WEEKS TO THE DAY!

I TOLD HER THAT IT SOUNDED GREAT! SHE BOOKED ME FOR SURGERY THAT DAY.

I THEN HAD TO WAIT FOR HER TO ORDER MY PRE-OP LABS. AMONG THE STANDARD LABS SHE ADDED A PREGNANCY TEST AND A NICOTINE SCREEN THAT I NEED TO COMPLETE LESS THAN 5 DAYS BEFORE I HAVE SURGERY. SO, AFTER 4/30 - AND BEFORE 5/5. (i use to be a smoker and i think she wanted to make sure that i really did quit! - i did! back on 7/20/07!)

HERE IS A LIST OF THE LABS SHE ORDERED:

SODIUM, SERUM

CREATININE, SERUM W/ GLOMERULAR FILTRATION

RATE CALCULATED

CARBON DIOXIDE, SERUM

CHLORIDE, SERUM

HCG, SERUM, QUAL

NICOTINE, URINE, QUALITATIVE

CBC WO DIFF

POTASSIUM, SERUM

BUN, SERUM

GLUCOSE, RANDOM

I TOLD HER I WOULD DO ALL OF THEM IN THE LAB ON THE FIRST FLOOR TODAY. SHE THEN REMINDED ME THAT I NEEDED TO WAIT TO DO THE PREGNANCY TEST NEXT WEEK.

SHE THEN SCHEDULED ALL OF MY PRE-OP CLASSES. THEN SHE READ A NOTE IN MY FILE FROM THE PSYCHOLOGIST I SAW DR. SCHNURR. THE NOTE SAID THAT I WAS REQUIRED TO SEE DR. SCHNURR FOR ANOTHER 1 HOUR APPOINTMENT BEFORE I COULD HAVE WLS. UHH!

SHE BOOKED MY APPOINTMENT WITH SCHNURR AND I ASKED HER A FEW QUESTIONS ABOUT THAT UPCOMING APPOINTMENT. - CAN I BRING SOMEONE WITH ME? CAN I SEE A DIFFERENT PSYCH OTHER THAN DR. SCHNURR? & CAN I ASK A NURSE OR A OTHER STAFF PERSON TO JOIN IN?

LIZ ANSWERED EVERY SINGLE QUESTION WITH A no!. (I HAD TO AT LEAST TRY)

LIZ THEN SAID THAT I WAS IN FOR A HECTIC TWO WEEKS. THE ONLY APPOINTMENT THAT I COULD GET WITH DR. SCHNURR WAS ON 4/22/08 AT 2:00. yep! THE NEXT DAY. I TOLD LIZ, "i will take it!"

LIZ AND I TALKED A SHORT BIT MORE AND WENT OVER THE NEXT APPOINTMENTS I WAS TO HAVE AND WHAT ORDER I WAS TO HAVE THEM IN. LIZ ALSO SAID THAT I NEEDED TO BE SURE TO STAY UNDER GOAL AND BRING MY BINDER, NUTRITION TEST, VITAMINS AND PRE-OP DIRECTIVE WITH ME TO THE NEXT APPOINTMENT(S).

SO, HERE ARE THE FINAL BARIATRIC APPOINTMENTS I HAVE BEFORE I GO INTO SURGERY ON 5/5/08:

4/22/08 - PSYCH EVAL # 2 W/ DR. SCHNURR @2:00PM

5/1/08 - PRE-OP EDUCATION CLASS / NUTRITION @10:00AM

5/1/08 - DR. BAGGS CONSULT/ HISTORY & PHYSICAL @ 12:00PM

5/1/08 - PRE-OP RNY TEACH @ 2:00PM

5/1/08 - PRE-OP / ANESTHESIA CLINIC @ 4:10PM

THAT’S' RIGHT - NOT A TYPO - 4 APPOINTMENTS IN ONE DAY! SO CRAZY.

I HOPE & PRAY THAT I CAN GET TO ALL OF THE APPOINTMENTS. AT LEAST I WOULD HAVE A REASON TO BE A LITTLE LATE.

LIZ WALKED ME INTO THE WAITING ROOM AND ASKED SARAH TO GIVE ME A FEW FORMS TO COMPLETE FOR THE ANESTHESIA APPOINTMENT. SARAH CAME OVER AND GAVE ME A PRINT OUT OF MY VISIT SUMMARY. I THEN COMPLETED ALL 4 PAGES OF THE PAPER WORK AND SAID THANK YOU TO ALL THE GIRLS AND LEFT.

I CALLED MY HUSBAND WHILE I RODE THE ELEVATOR TO THE 1ST FLOOR. I TOLD HIM THE WONDERFUL NEWS AND THAT I WOULD CALL HIM WHEN I WAS IN MY CAR AND ON MY WAY HOME. I THEN WENT TO THE LAB TO DO THE 1ST PART OF MY BLOOD/URINE WORK-UP.

I GAVE MY BLOOD AND LEFT. (i completely forgot to go pee. i placed the sterile collection cup in my purse while i had my blood drawn. opps).

I CALLED MY MOM AND DAD AS I WAS WALKING TO MY CAR. I TOLD THEM THAT I HAD A SURGERY DATE OF 5/5/08. MY DAD PRETENDED TO BE HAPPY FOR ME AND MY MOM REALLY WAS. (dad does not want me to have the surgery!)

I THEN TEXTED MY ANNIE(vicki) AND LET HER KNOW.

I AM SO HAPPY! I AM BIT NERVOUS ABOUT MY APPOINTMENT WITH DR. SCHNURR TOMORROW. I AM SURE THAT ALL WILL GO WELL. IF WLS IS NOT MEANT FOR ME GOD WILL PUT SOMETHING IN MY WAY. IT WOULD BE FOR MY OWN GOOD! I JUST HOPE THAT DR. SCHNURR IS NOT AS RUDE TO ME THIS TIME AS SHE WAS LAST TIME.

I AM GOING TO KEEP PRACTICING EVERYTHING I HAVE BEEN PRACTICING AND PERFECTING THEM. I ALSO NEED TO CONCENTRATE ON A FEW OF THE "golden rules". I STILL NEED TO STICK TO THE 1200 CALORIE DIET 100%.

WELL, I KNOW I WILL BE HAVING SOME SWEET A** DREAMS TONIGHT.

THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR CONTINUED SUPPORT. IT MEANS MORE TO ME THAN I COULD EVER SAY! BE SURE TO KEEP MY FAMILY AND I IN YOUR PRAYERS. AND ONE MORE TIME - - - - -

I AM HAVING GASTRIC BYPASS SURGERY ON 5/5/08 WITH DR. AARON BAGGS AT KAISER RICHMOND. I WILL BE IN THE HOSPITAL FOR AT LEAST 1 - 2 DAYS. I WILL BE EXCEPTING PHONE CALLS WHILE I AM IN THE HOSPITAL. I MAY BE SLEEPING MOST OF THE TIME SO HOPEFULLY I WILL NOT MISS YOUR CALL!

I AM NOT SURE OF MY CHECK IN TIME YET. I WILL POST ON THAT WHEN I KNOW.

A few days back I got a phone call that I knew one day would come. I picked up my cell and it was my mom. No shock! Mom always calls me. So, I answer it and am somewhat brief with her because I am super busy at work. I tell her I am busy and that I will call her back.  A few hours later I get a chance to and so I did. 

When the phone rang for the third time my father answered it. I asked him how he was and if I could speak with mom. He said that she was not home because she was at the hospital with Papa. I, of course, freak out because he is the last grandparent I have who is still alive. My dad proceeds to tell me that sometime during the night Papa woke up in really bad pain. He had a cold for the past few days and it almost seemed like it might be allergies. Dad said that he was gasping for air and making gurgling sounds when he finally did get air into his lungs. So, they dialed 911.

Dad said that it was bad news. Now my father is known to be a bit of an over-exaggerated. So, I of course don’t over react like I would if my mother had said those same words. My father then says that Papa has Pneumonia and a possible hernia. I, of course, ask dad what is so bad about both of those to make it bad news. He said that some tests are still out and that he does not have all of the necessary information to answer the questions I continued to ask. So, I asked my dad what hospital Papa was in. He was at Sutter Delta Memorial in Antioch.

I then got off the phone with my father and called 411 to get the number for papa's room. After playing with the damn operator(s) I finally got his room. My mom answered the phone and I could tell she had been crying. Now, my mom is the strongest person I know. She does not cry easily and never goes overboard with her emotions. So, I could tell that their was indeed something major going on with my Papa.

I asked my mom what was going on and she basically re-iterated what my father had said. I then got a chance to speak with Papa. He sounded like he had aged 20 years and like he was blowing bubbles in a glass of Vitamin D milk. I could hear his chest rattle with every word, every breath and every exhale. I told Papa that I would be praying for him and that I would see him soon. However, he could tell that I seemed a bit too optimistic. Now, Papa and I are very close. I love him so very much. I use to spend every summer I had with him and my grandmother down in Southern California in a sleepy little hick town called Tehachapi. So, I know him and he knows me!

I asked him how he was feeling. He said not good and that he was scared. I told him that he had nothing to be scared about and that lots of people get pneumonia and hardly anyone ever has major problems because of it. He then said, "well, sweetie, the Pneumonia is not that part that I am worried about. It’s the two lumps they found in my lungs that I am worried about. Sitting here waiting to be told if you have cancer is not the easiest thing to stay optimistic about!" CANCER!!! WHAT??? I THOUGHT HE HAD PNEUMONIA AND A HERNIA??? WHAT THE F***!!!
CALM - - Calm calm.

What do u mean cancer? I ask him. He said that they did a chest X-ray to check for Pneumonia and they found two lumps, one per lung. Now, my Papa is a chronic alcoholic and a chain smoker. He has been both for SO LONG! A couple of quick words later we said I love you’s and he gave my mom back the phone. My mom instantly said, I will talk with you when I get home. I asked her, why she did not mention the fact that he may have cancer of the lung? She again said - When she got home she would call me. So, I asked yes or no ?’s. Is Papa ok? NO - Does Papa think it is Cancer? NO - Do you think it is Cancer? - YES Are you ok? - NO - Do you want to wait to discuss this all when you get home because you don’t want to upset him? - YES! Exactly YES!

OK - MOM, I will wait for you to call me back. Tell Papa I love him and that I said he will get better because I have to have a short talk with God about all of this. Bye!

All in all papa has had a few chest X-rays, CT Scan, some blood work and several medications. They finally sent him home. They told him they would be doing a biopsy in 5 days and to just take it easy while he waits. So, here is the rundown - Two lumps, 1 per lung, A hernia, Pneumonia, Residual signs of a stroke, Stomach hemorrhage & on top of all of what he was told last week - - My mom had to call 911 again this afternoon for him because Papa could not move. His pain level was a 14 on a scale of 1 - 10.

Out of no where he was doubled over in pain. So, I spoke with my mom about an hour ago. They think Papa may have something wrong with either/and/or his liver, kidneys, gal bladder or his hernia and / or hemorrhage is getting much worse. They also said that it could be his pancreas or his intestines. So, I am a sitting duck. Right now I am waiting to get a call back from my mom. I don’t know exactly what is going on but I do know that it needs to STOP. My Papa lost his will to live the day my grandmother past away. That was 5+ years ago. He has hung on up until know, but I think he is ready to throw the towel in on his life.

He had a stroke a short while after my grandmother past away and since then he has been wheelchair bound and somewhat of an invalid. I can only see him as my Papa Buzz. I am crushed at the thought of him being gone. When I was little I had more grandparents then I did fingers and toes combined. Now, he is all that is left. I want him to stay! I don’t want him to go. I can only pray that he will be ok. I can’t make him better or will him to stay alive. I can only sit and wait and cry.

I know that life will continue if he does pass away. I know that my grandmother is looking down on him right now making sure he’s ok. She will see him through what ever it is. Either crossing over after he passes or picking up the pieces of his life here, yet again.

For those of you who can, please say a prayer for him. My Papa is over 70 years old. If he is told he has cancer it will make him a different person. The kind of cancer he may have is inoperable and not treatable by any radiation or drugs. He would have to sit and wait until the cancer consumed him slowly. Who would want to go like that. Certainly not my Papa.

So, PRAY please! He can use every prayer he can get.