Melissa P.

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  Champmeeting was amazing!  I love being with my church family!  D. Montrell performed and he was ridiculous!  So I learned a new dance to help me burn calories at te Family Fun Day.  I was playing Volleyball and the DJ announced that if you wanted to learn the dance that the kids were doing from Friday's concert to come to the DJ booth ... so I was out!  I grabbed a couple of the youth to be my "personal" dance teachers. 

SO MUCH FUN!  Reason 12,392,487,987 I can't wait to be healthy!  I love to dance!

check out the song and dance if you get a chance!

www.myspace.com/crankdatodobidmontrell

  My church is having a family fun day today and so I thought ... you know, I don't have a lot of casual clothes so lets go shopping.  Bad, Bad, Bad idea!  I figured hey, let's try some shorts.  But no matter how "confident" I try to be I just can't get past how huge my legs are.  And when I say huge ... I mean huge.  Recently, I took my son to see Wall-e and a few days later he said ... "Hey, mom.  Look your legs and feet are just like the people in the movie!"  He wasn't trying to say anything mean, but let me just tell you how deep that stung.  ... Anyway, back to the story.

So I am in the dressing room trying on some shorts.  I don't know, but there is something strange about looking at yourself in a dressing room mirror that is different than any other mirror.  The first sign of trouble was when I took off my pants to change and I was so taken aback by how my legs looked.  I mean how often do any of us really look at ourselves in a mirror from our waist down?  So then I finally got the shorts on and looked at myself from behind and I just burst into tears.  The poor woman who was working in the dressing room area must have thought I was insane!  But I just couldn't help myself.  How did I get here?  Why have I let myself stay this way?  How could my husband ever be interested in this?  My goodness that is so ugly. 

What does that do to us when we are repulsed by our own bodies?  Afterwards I grabbed a Mountain Dew on the way out of the store - knowing full well that I shouldn't drink it, but not caring. When I look in the mirror I still expect to see that size 5 girl staring me back ... and it is a shock every time.  Silly, huh?!

Just thinking back to that quote again ...
"One day in the near future my weight will no longer be my source of shame."

PS - my husband walked down here and was interested in what I was writing.  For some reason I didn't want him to see it.  Like it is too embarresing for him to know or read.  How can he understand, he's not fat.  Why do I feel this way?  I have never not shared things with him ... so why this?  Something to ponder.

Last night I weighed in and lost another 1.2 pounds.  Which I suppose is a loss and so I should be thrilled with it.  But seeing how I started at 283.3 when I enrolled in the class and then worked my way up to 288.5 during the class ... well, it doesn't feel that exciting. 

I need to make a commitment to get my behind to the gym.  I like working out so I don't know why it is such an issue for me to actually get there. 

I had a little lapse last night after class, but I am not letting it turn into a relapse. 

So here is to another 1.2 pounds - 113 times over!

  Today my husband said somethings about my weight and the effects my weight has on my body that crushed me.  I have been on the verge of tears all day long and now that I am alone and writing this - I can't stop crying.  He is never mean or hurtful, but I can't believe some of the things he said.  And I am not quite sure how to process any of it.  Except I have wanted to shovel food in my mouth all day ... I haven't, but I sure want to. 

The last few days I have been going to the pool with the kids and trying to make sure that I work out in the pool while I am there.   I feel like I am starting to see a difference in my body.  Specifically, my calfs. I have never liked my legs bc they look all lumpy below my knee - so I haven't worn cute skirts or shorts ... but I am starting to see where they don't as lumpy anymore.  I wonder if it is because I am just tan now???  hmmm  We shall see in 3 weeks when I get all of measurements taken again.  I will be at the end of my 1st - 6 month class and then I move on to stage 2. 

My eating has been okay ... not amazing, but not horrible. 

My new goal is to get down to 265 before my birthday in September.   

                                                                                                         

I so didn't want to weigh in yesterday ... PF Changs, ice cream, and well the whole chips, cookies, and cereal ordeal.  BUT drum roll please .... I lost 2.3 pounds.  This is significant for me because since I started the program in March I have gained and lost the same 5 pounds, but this is the third week in a row that I have lost on the scale.  Of course this just encourages me to keep going and to know that my work hasn't been fruitless.  Although it is a little depressing when I think about the calories that I ate and what I would have lost if I hadn't binged.  But I am choosing to be optimistic. 

Last night I was very proud of myself.  After class I came home and scrubbed the kitchen floor and then I went outside and I mowed the front lawn.  That is a big deal for me ...
a.) because the last time I tried to help Nick do the front lawn I could only do it for a few minutes

b.) it made me feel accomplished - wow, I did something I have never been able to do before and I did it on my own. 

Before I know it, I won't even recoginize this person that I am becoming and I am very excited to meet her!!!

Last night my asl team from church had a goodbye dinner for one of our members at PF Changs (asian style resteraunt).  ahhh PF Changs.  Many nights my husband has taken me there for lettuce wraps and beef  broccoli ... with steamed white rice of course.  So here is my thing ... I get there and think "Oh, this is a special ocassion ... free pass!!".  Now, Melissa, when isn't there a special ocassion?  Someone is always going to be celebrating something - a birthday, graduation, or a just because we can get together.  And some point I have to learn to tell myself NO.  I don't feel like I necessarily overindulged ... I didn't eat all of my food (maybe half), but it is the mentality that I know I need to change. 

We had so much fun - I think we stayed there for 5 hours laughing, talking, signing, and just enjoying ourselves.  So at some point the discussion turned to my surgery.  And I find it so interesting that some people are so passionate about how they feel about WLS.  Either people are supportive (not the majority) or people are automatically on the defensive ... and do you ever notice that most of them are at a healthy weight?  Anyway, I know our team leader has issues with me having surgery - she has made that clear, but we are close enough that she can share her opinions without me getting offended.  So I am just wondering ... why people are so passionate about something that they don't face?  Do people really see WLS as a cop out?  Are the nervous that you are gonna look better than them?  Do they just want a fat chick around so they don't feel as bad about themselves??  What do you think?

So yesterday I was depressed and just ate.  I don't even know why I was depressed, but clearly it wasn't a good day! AND the worst part is that I worked my butt off all week and now I have to weigh in tomorrow.  I hope I didn't totally blow it.  So today it is back on the horse and try to forget that yesterday even happened. 

This morning I was thinking how my life would be different is I wasn't carrying around 130+ extra pounds.  I once read someone's post before thier WLS and it had a profound effect to me.  It said ... "Today I realized that within the next year my weight will no longer be the thing I think about every minute of the day, it will no longer control my thoughts or be the source of my shame."  That statement struck me so powerfully!  That kind of thought for me is almost unimaginable.  To not think about my weight constantly seems so liberating and yet it feels impossible.

 

My insurance requires for me to have a full year of classes before my weight loss surgery.  So, each Tuesday I weigh in and spent an hour in class with other people who are having surgery or just trying to lose the weight.  It feels daunting ... another 8 months!  UGH BUT there is light at the end of the tunnel.  Before I know it summer will be over, the kids will be back in school, the holidays will be here and here I am!