pkristine1

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Reading people's stories and posts daily helps me get through just about all of my doubts.  But recently, I have been searching past posts for someone that I can relate to.  Here is my issue.  I am a little over a month and a half away from my actual surgery date.  I have been working to some degree to lose some pre-op weight.  On last Friday morning, I was down to 304 pounds, and now here it is Wednesday evening and my weight is back to 316!  Before I left for work today my weight was 311.

Based on what I have been reading, I know I need to put my scale away, and focus on eating well, drinking water and moving my body.  I am so afraid that when I actually have my surgery that it wont work for me.  Why?  Because some days I do so well with my food intake, and then on others I don't do as well as I should.  Overall, however, my intake is nothing like it used to be.  I guess my question is, if I can't get the pre-op stuff together, how am I going to do after I am banded?

Something else that frightens me is a comment that a woman shared with me about body image.  She said, "Face it.  You will never look good naked."  That is not okay with me!  I worry about what my legs will look like.  My hips, butt and thighs is where I carry the majority of my weight.  I know that everybody says that they would rather have the loose skin than the fat.  To me, neither are okay.  I don't want to look disfigured after losing the weight.  I think that fear is a partial hinderance to my pre-op weight loss.

I am on OH every single day, scanning pictures looking for women with a body type that I think is similar to mine.  I read their stories to discover whether or not loose skin has been an issue.  I am not looking to be a model, and I am not looking to have the body of a young woman in her twenties, but I do want to be able to wear shorter skirts that don't have to come below my knees.  My thoughts may seem shallow, but they are my thoughts nonetheless.

My prayer is that I am successful at this weight loss with the band, and that I am able to look good in my clothes and out of my clothes.  It sounds like whether I exercise or not, looking good naked is not an option unless I opt for major skin removal.

I must be honest and say that the thought of that frightens me.

March 10, 2008

Tonight, I attended a Lap-Band support group meeting.  It started at 6pm, but I got there at 7pm because that's when I thought it started.  Imagine my surprise when after a half hour, the facilitator of the group said, "Well, I can't believe how quickly this hour and a half flew by, but we really need to wrap this up!"

Other group members must have seen the look on my face, because several came over to me to ask if I got the times mixed up.  I confessed that I did.  They hung around to answer any questions that I had, and then invited me to join them at a near by restaurant to continue our conversation.  How ironic, I thought to myself.  A group of weight loss post-ops and a pre-op are going out to eat after a support group session!  I was delighted that they asked me to go.  Even before I accepted the invitation, a very nice woman quickly wrote down a Yahoo group web-address for me to connect to so I could gather more information.

Even though I arrived to the support group late, I actually arrived right on time for the best part, and the most meaningful part of the evening.

There was a total of seven of us that gathered for dinner.  I sat next to a woman who was one year out and has lost a total of 100 pounds.  She says that she does Curves 3-4 nights a week and walks her dog for a mile each day.  She also shared that she eats what she wants, but admits that she generally makes good food choices.  She showed me her before picture and her 1 year post-op.  IMPRESSIVE!

Although the other women there had not lost quite the same amount as she, their weight losses were just as significant.  More importantly, the information that each of  them had to share was so encouraging and uplifting.  I was anxious to see what they would order, and how they would eat thier meals.  I know that sounds weird, but I will be living this life soon.

To my pleasant surprise, one ordered a nice creamy bowl of soup that came with a delicious looking slice of garlic toast.  One ordered chicken fingers ( Why do we call them that?  Chickens don't have fingers.) Two split a chicken quesadillas, one ordered a walleye sandwich with fresh fruit as a side, the woman next to me didn't order anything.  She just had water.  Oh, and I ordered a Rachel (turkey reuben) with fries!  I asked them about their food, and what things they could not eat.  It varied as much as anything.  The only thing that everybody seemed to have in common is that they all had at least one food they chose not to eat.  Either they didn't like how much work went into chewing it, or they didn't like the way it made them feel.

One woman was nice enough to allow me to feel her port!  That's what was so great about meeting these women.  Even though I didn't ask that many questions, they knew instinctively what some of the things were that I must have been thinking.  They have been through exactly where I am headed.

Before the evening was over, I got overwhelming encouragement to continue to come to meetings, an invitation to participate in a 5k walk/run for Earth Day, a reminder to join the yahoo group, and a cell phone number from one of the women sincerely offering her experiences with the band as an open book.  She said I should call if I have any questions.  I am sure I will call.  I feel so blessed to have been in the presence of these women this evening.  They said more than once, every single one of them, that they were grateful for the band,and had no regrets about thier decisions to have the procedure done.

Until tonight, I had not met any "bandsters".  "I have only read about thier experiences on-line.  Up-close, frank and honest was the theme of this evening and I am in total appreciation mode for that.

God continues to "make it plain" for me.  For that I am grateful.  I look forward to being a loser for the rest of my life.