PlicketyCat
This story is pretty long, but I wanted to candidly document everything that has or is going on that led to my decision to get WLS. I hope it inspires or comforts people who have been struggling with weight issues.
I have always struggled with my weight. I began having difficulty maintaining my optimum weight range when I was twelve, at the onset of puberty. During that year, at 5’ 2”, my weight rose to 150 lbs and I developed insomnia and depression. The subsequent year I suffered from frequent bouts of unexplained vomiting, particularly in the mornings, and I lost the extra weight.
Throughout my teen years, my weight seasonally fluctuated between 135 and 155. It was a constant battle to keep my body weight in the optimum range. Even when I was training two or more hours a day on the swim team and eating a low-fat/low-calorie diet, it was difficult to keep my weight below 150.
My lowest adult weight was 133 lbs on a 5’ 6” frame, when I was 18 and just out of military boot camp. I went into psychotherapy, was prescribed Prozac, and within a month had gained 10 lbs. Even when I discontinued the medication, I continued to slowly gain weight regardless of diet or exercise. By the time I was 20, I weighed 190 lbs. At that point, I experienced financial hardship and rapidly lost weight, returning to 165 lbs (my lowest post-obesity adult weight), because I could only afford to eat one small meal a day.
Once my financial situation resolved, I began gaining weight again until I was 24 and weighed 210 lbs, and was first diagnosed with hyperlipidemia and hypertriglyceridemia, despite dieting and exercising at the gym. At this point, I decided to have a partial hysterectomy and stopped taking birth control. During surgical recuperation and my divorce the following year, my weight lowered to 185 lbs where I hit a plateau for three months and then began to gain weight again. From 25 to 32, my weight increased to 265. Regardless of diet or exercise, the most I could ever lose was 20 lbs and could only keep it off for a month or two before gaining it back with more. During this period I began having joint and back pain, stomach problems, migraines, social anxiety, and increased insomnia and depression. I was again diagnosed with hyperlipidemia and hypertriglyceridemia, at Mt. Si Medical Center, and was prescribed Lipitor, which I was unable to continue taking due to intense gastric distress.
At 32, I joined 20/20 Lifestyles, a physician-monitored weight management program offered by the Pro Sports Club in In the past three years, I have steadily gained over 100 lbs and have been unable to lose weight, regardless of diet or exercise (including a gym membership and purchasing a treadmill for home use). In addition to my existing conditions, I have also begun experiencing swelling of the feet and ankles, numbness and tingling in my arms and hands, constant exhaustion and fatigue, gastro-intestinal distress, night sweats, and nighttime heartburn often severe enough to wake and vomit.
I almost never leave the house, and have actively avoided any outside activities because I get tired so easily and I can’t stand the way people look at me. I’ve stopped answering the door or going out in my yard because I don’t want to be seen. I’ve even begun to avoid answering the telephone. I can’t find clothes that are comfortable or fit properly, and I look slovenly even when I am trying to look nice. I am afraid to go back to work because I dread having to go to an interview looking this way and feeling exhausted all the time, or being denied a position because my appearance implies negative qualities or lack of qualification.
I don’t attend many social events with friends because I can’t join in any of the physical activities (like hiking or biking), and am very uncomfortable in large crowds. I can’t comfortably sit in most public seating, and I can’t eat most of the food served at restaurants. I am embarrassed by the fuss my companions make over finding a restaurant where I can be comfortable and find appropriate food. When eating with anyone except my husband, I am extremely self-conscious about ordering my meals specially prepared or removing items I cannot eat.
I don’t visit family or go on vacation anymore. I can’t fit into airplane seating, so if I go anywhere it has to be within driving distance or a long road trip. I can’t go hiking or camping as I used to because I get exhausted and sore too easily. I can’t guarantee the availability of appropriate food when I’m away unless I bring it with me everywhere, which isn’t always feasible.
I’ve begun to feel that I am not worthy, that I’m useless and a failure, because I can’t even control my own body. I have covered, removed, or avoid the mirrors in my house because I can’t stand to look at myself. My self-esteem has deteriorated rapidly and I seldom bother trying to do much of anything anymore even if I have some energy that day. I feel like I have no chance to succeed in life. I am depressed all the time. I sometimes feel that it would be better to be dead than to continue battling with my body for the rest of my life. Basic personal care is also becoming increasingly difficult. It is hard to breathe while tying my shoes, wiping after using the toilet, or bathing myself. I often pop the joints in my knees and shoulders during these activities because I have to contort myself in order to reach. I have stopped styling my hair because my hands fall asleep, my arms ache, and it’s hard to breathe if my arms are raised above my head for more than a minute or two. My finger nails have become ridged, and I’m getting dry and itchy patches of skin. I have thick, painful calluses on my feet that crack and bleed, which makes walking even more painful.
I have constant acne under my arms and breasts and along my panty line and buttocks (turns out it's Hidradenitis Suppurativa... finally diagnosed!) which has left me with scars and pits. These lesions are frequently large and painful and take several weeks to heal, and often rupture or ooze and stain my clothes. I also have increased acne lesions along my jaw and neck that are hard and painful and take several weeks to heal, leaving scars and discoloration. I also have increased facial hair along my chin, jaw and neck and my “moustache” has thickened and darkened. The skin in all my body creases, always moist, is sore and raw with a mildly unpleasant odor which is painful and embarrassing.
I am also experiencing sleep disturbances. I find it difficult to fall asleep because I cannot find a comfortable position, often feel I can’t breathe properly, and frequently experience heartburn when I lay down. I wake up several times a night, due to numbness or aching in my arms and legs, feeling too hot, or heartburn; but I frequently wake from dreams where I am choking, drowning or being suffocated. I am extremely lethargic in the mornings and I fall asleep frequently during the day or feel that I am about to pass out, often without warning or during an activity. I often have headaches after these “crashes”.
For the past several months I have felt generally unwell, as if I caught a cold or flu and just can’t seem to shake it. I’m tired and achy all the time and often feel cold or have headaches. I have lost my appetite but seem to be thirsty most of the time. I have an upset stomach, heartburn, abdominal bloating, gas, constipation or loose bowels almost everyday. Every condition that I’ve experienced periodically in the past seems to have come back all at once and won’t go away.
The basic quality of my life is drastically reduced. I find it difficult to walk or stand for more than 10 minutes, and my feet and ankles swell when I do. I am often tired and experience pain in my knees, ankles and back after doing routine activities like grocery shopping, cooking, vacuuming, and house cleaning. I get winded climbing the stairs, and I descend them very slowly because I don’t trust my knees. As a result, I avoid using our downstairs recreational areas and put off doing the laundry because toting the baskets up and down the stairs is frightening and exhausting. My husband checks the mailbox and takes the trash cans to the curb and back because I can’t walk up the sloped driveway without having to rest and catch my breath. It is impossible for me to maintain the lawn because I get winded immediately, quickly overheat and get light-headed and nauseated. I am exhausted and have painful swollen joints and muscles after any significant activity, including sex.
