Rachelynka
I know the story is all too familiar... athletic child... cheerleeder... competitive speed and synchronized swimmer... At my Senior Ball, the waist of my princess dress was 17 inches. I was 105 until my early 20's.... but I always thought I was fat. Always felt like the fattest girl in school.. probably because I watched my Mother and Aunts dieting and constantly talking about how fat they were and how they didn't want me (and my female cousins) to be fat. I distinctly remember being told that I had the fattest thighs on the swim team... though after confronting the person years later I was told they never said that... Did I imagine it?
i became an adult and got a desk job. The pounds started to really pack on and finally I was as fat as I saw myself... I don't have enough fingers and toes combined to count how many times I have gone to Jazzercise, done Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem and Weight Watchers, let alone the many fad diets and chalky pills I tried on my own... its probably the main reason why I hate grapefruit so much now. I starved myself, tried doing methanphetamine, begged for a prescrip for Phen-Fen.. but my doctors always preached, just eat less and exercise... and I wanted to scream... I AM TRYING!!! DO YOU THINK i LIKE BEING FAT?
Then I found a guy who liked big women. He was also a vegetarian and I could finally give up, accept myself, and eat as much cheese, pasta and mexican food as I wanted... (in hindsight) it was mostly comforting for me while he drank beer oftentimes into oblivion. After 10 years I left that toxic relationship - and thank God every day that I did...
I made a renewed attempt at Weight Watchers after realizing I was 322 lbs... and I was militant.. I was successful.. the weight melted off... I got down to 250... felt great... but though I would die before anyone knew it... I was starving!!! I had to stop going to meetings because all they talked about was food and I felt horrible like I was somehow a traitor in my own head when everyone would clap and congratulate me for my weekly losses. I tried to keep doing all the things I had learned.. tried to keep those new habits... but without the militant thing goin on... and slowly the weight came back...
I nearly fainted when the scale read 300 again... and there was so much I wanted to be doing. So I joined the YMCA, again.. started swimming.. but that just made me hungrier.. and the more I excercised, the hungrier I got, the more I ate and the more I gained... finally at 325 I could not even swim anymore because on top of being hungry all the time, my body hurt all the time.. hurt from the exertion.. hurt from walking, hurt from bending...
oh God.. I almost slipped in the shower one day while shaving my legs and the muscle in my hip burned for weeks... I just want my life back.
That's why in November of 2008 I decided to pursue WLS and not stop until I found doctors who would be proactive with me toward my goals of managing my obesity. Thank God for finally finding doctors who understood my pain and how important it was to me to do something to control this before I develop all the co-morbidities that run rampant in my family. Now I finally feel like there is hope for the future.. and finally I am doing something and am focused... I know this is only the first step... but I AM READY.
