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Even as a young child, I was big. Always running around naked in the house, my "Buddha Belly" hanging out. I was ignorant of the fact that I was chunky until I entered 1st grade. As the years slowly went by, and I slowly got bigger (growing with age and around the middle), my life became a level of hell I even tried to escape by death more than once. Kids are evil sometimes, but the memory of the things they called me over the years still haunts me now as an adult. I was never a very athletic person, though I excelled at swimming. I was the youngest member of the YMCA swim team in Fayetteville, NC when I was 8 years old. I couldn't run, I sucked at most sports, and I was a very socially awkward child because of it, I think.
High school was a big turning point. I got into drugs, and they helped my image a little bit, but not really. I was able to lose some weight, but as usual, I gained it back. I always gained it back. I fit in with the druggie crowd because we all suffered from one thing or another, underneath our addictions. Then, before I turned 18, I turned my back on it all. I hated that I needed some substance to make me forget I was fat and ugly.
Almost all of my family, on both sides, are petite or average height and thin. I stick out like the elephant in the room. All my life I have tried EVERYTHING. My Mom put me on sugar free diets through my young childhood (ADD diagnosis helped that out), in my early teens she portioned my meals and even put a lock on the pantry! My Mother has always judged me on my weight, at least most of my life, and it always broke my heart. As I reached my mid and late teens I got into weight watchers, twice, and failed both times. I lost maybe ten-fifteen lbs combined both times... I even tried Atkins when it came out. I gained weight on that!
In my early twenties I counted calories, cut out all white breads (only ate whole grains), removed red meat completely from my diet, only drank water/flavored water/juice. That stint I finally had success! Lost a whole 35-40 lbs! A year later, I gained it all back... and now, at nearly 27 years old, I just can't sit on the bench in life anymore, waiting for some new diet to give me false hope. I HAVE to take action.
The pain is awful... My knees go out on stairs all the time, I roll my ankles if I have to jog or run even if its only for a tiny portion! I can't be out walking around longer than 30 minutes before my legs and feet are KILLING ME and I am exhausted. I can't do hills... I can't breathe! My inhaler never leaves my side. If I'm sitting cross legged, or hell even in a chair for too long, my feet fall asleep. I have to go to the bathroom so often, especially when I am sitting a lot during the day. I have NO energy, unless I chug a Rockstar... and it just sucks. Thankfully I am now in the process of kicking my habit of energy drinks.
Growing up I couldn't walk with my feet completely straight (I had "a duck walk" as my Mom called it) so I was forced-both by my Mom and myself- to walk as straight footed as possible. It hurts my legs and my feet still to do this. I have Verneuil's disease - or Hidradenitis Suppurativa - a rare skin condition that involves infected sweat glands and cysts that surface and burst and won't heal under the folds of fatty skin and blood blisters that open and stay that way for weeks. If I don't eat something/drink something at least every few hours, I will get pale, weak, get a cold sweat and I have fainted before(hypoglycemia). I sleep on my stomach and I can't breathe right, my chest hurts, so I am forced to sleep on my sides or my back (even sleeping on my back sometimes gives me problems). When I wake up in the morning, my hips hurt so bad and my knees are so stiff. I have headaches all the time, and my migraines were so frequent my doctor had to put me back on Topamax twice a day, and I am still pounding down Ibuprofen every day. I'm not even 30 and I feel like I'm over 50!
Relationships have messed with my head and my heart over the years too. So many guys have said, "Oh, I'll date you, if you keep it on the DL (down low)." Yeah... embarrassed to be seen with me, much? Even the men I have been with that didn't say that still picked at me about my weight, or made side comments here and there about losing weight. How can someone who says they love you say something like that? I refuse to take it anymore!
My fiance, bless his heart, is here for me for all the twists and turns this journey will take me on. I pray to God we both remain strong! So here I am... and my journey begins.
