Robert Palmer

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Wow, it has been almost 4 months since my last post.  A lot has changed in those 4 months!  I got engaged, got married, moved my beautiful bride and her beautiful daughter into our house.  Got rid of the Ferrets and moved in three cats.  Not quite sure that was an even swap yet.  LOL!  But we will see.  Actually the cats are not bad at all and they are slowly coming around to me.  Although they still are not too sure about the dogs!

Hope all of you are doing well and taking care of yourselves and each other.   

As any of you who know me, knows, 2007 saw its fair share of ups and downs.  More downs than up until the last few months of the year.  Which did see an amazing turn around!  Just as a recap to the year, January 5th saw the startup company I had been working for shut its Dallas operations down completely and lay off just about 75% of the company.  We went from a company of 70 to 80 employees, to 17.  Luckily they saw fit to keep me on to maintain the network/server infrastructure.  In February I filed for divorce from my wife of 19 years. Tor, my wonderfully amazing daughter turned 12 in May.  July 21st my wife decided to kill herself while most of the family was out of town on vacation.  Effectively ruining for the rest of their life, I am sure, any opportunity to enjoy the family reunion in Mississippi.  As they will be constantly reminded that they were there when they got the news.    July 27th we buried her in Woodson, Texas next to her maternal grandparents as she requested.  2 days before what would have been our 20th anniversary.  Tor handled it a lot better than I think most of the adults did, myself included.  I couldn't live with her any longer but I certainly never wanted her dead.  Those were mostly the lows, with the exception of Tor's birthday.  Even though the party we tried to put together for her never materialized.  Now for the highs!  August 13th I started a new job with Argus Software.  Great people, love the job.  They have been very understanding with everything that has gone on over the past year and have been very flexible with me.  Which is why I chose this position over one at EDS. 
September 3rd, I had my first post Cyndi kiss!  Tammie Mcbrayer I Love You!!!!  February 28th can't get here soon enough!  If you look through my previous blogs for the past few months, you will see how our relationship has progressed.  It has gone from sitting out in the driveway one hot August night sharing a couple of beers and reminiscing, to planning to share the rest of our lives together.  There is nothing better than the girl next door!!!!  Although it can have its drawbacks too.  You tend to want to spend all your time together and don't get anything done around your own house that needs to be done!  Christmas was great too.  Tor didn't have any issues that had to be addressed with missing Cyndi.  We talked about it at some length on Christmas Eve and on Christmas day.  We spent Christmas Eve with Tammies family for a late lunch early dinner and then came home and the 4 of us exchanged presents.  Christmas morning we got up around 9:00.  Just me and Tor.  I wasn't sure how that would be to be perfectly honest.  But I had no bad feelings about it at all and neither did Tor.  My parents got to the house right about that time as well so we opened our presents to each other as well as Tor opening her Santa presents.  She got a heck of a haul!  An electric guitar/amp, ipod touch, table computer, a new cell phone, lots of cool band shirts and a couple of new hoodies.  She loves Hot Topic! 
Plus she got several new xbox games including Rock Band, the full thing with the drums and everything.  Now I just have to find room for it all!  Cyndi's parents finally showed up around 11 or so.  And the first words out of Cathy's mouth was "oops, I think we forgot your other presents at the house."  They used to pull this same thing on Cyndi too.  And of course there never was anything.  They did give her money for guitar lessons.  But it isn't about the money or the amount.  It is just the apparent lack of concern or caring for Tor's feelings.  She knew what was going on as soon as Cathy said it.  They stayed for a little while and then left by about 130.  So when they left, Tor and I went over to Tammie's sister's house to spend time with them.  We stayed until about 430 and then Tor and I went and saw Sweeney Todd.  It was ok, but not one I think I would see again.  Although Tor absolutely loved it.  She was ready to go see it again. 
New Year's eve was good.  We spent it with Tammie's family before heading home around 9:30 or so.  Wanted to beat the drunks home!  Tammie crashed early but I stayed up for a little while with the girls to do some ground only fireworks.  Then I was in bed by 11.  LOL!  Oh well, it was midnight on the east coast right!?  Tammie and I were up by 8:00 since she had to work for a few hours on New Year's morning.  So I drove her in and stayed with her at the office.  After that we came back home and I fixed Jessie's ipod (Tammie's daughter).  Then we headed down to Granbury to Tammie's Dad's lake house.  Seems to be a recurring theme here with Tammie's family!  LOL!  Good thing they like me!  Plus I think they are just happy that Tammie has found someone that truly cares about her and wants to do anything possible to make her happy.  We had a great time with her Dad and the rest of her family.  Then we shot off fireworks over the lake.  That was a lot of fun.  We were home by about 9 or so and went our separate ways for the night.  :-(  Someday soon that won't have to happen.  I sleep so much better when I have her in my arms. 

So that is the year in review!  LOL!  Now for a peak into the future. 


School starts back tomorrow for Tor.  She is on the Whiz Quiz team again this year.  They went undefeated last year.  Hopefully they can repeat!  Their first match is on Tuesday so I will keep you updated.  Tammie is going to be extremely busy for the next few weeks closing out her companies year end books.  She is the accounting manager for a multimillion dollar lighting and interior decorating company in Fort Worth.  I never did get accounting.  Have a hard enough time just balancing my check book!  LOL!  She is such a smart and beautiful woman.  February is going to see an interesting event.  I am not going to go into the details right now, but suffice to say that my single days are numbered.  Not that I am getting married in February, just taking the next step in that direction.  She knows it is coming and knows that I have already bought her ring.  She just doesn't know any of the specifics (where/how).  The original plan was valentines but that didn't work out for various reasons.  So now it is 2/28.  Although, since this is a leap year, that might make for a memorable day too.  We are going to meet with a realtor to find out what we need to do to our respective houses to get them ready to sell.  We don't like the neighborhood we live in and also think that once we do get married, that it would not be a good idea to stay in one or the other's house just so the girls don't get territorial. 

Well that is about as far out as I can see right now.  Plus I do have to get to work!  LOL!  Hope all of you have a great year!  I know I am planning on it!

We had a great weekend.  Friday night I took Tor and Jessie (my girlfriend's daughter) to dinner and a haunted house over in Ft. Worth.  We ate at King Tut's.  It is a Middle Eastern/Egyptian restaurant.  We have been going there since they opened about 15 years ago. Jessie even tried some Humus and Falafel.  I was really proud of her for trying it.  She didn't like it, but at least she tried it.  This was also the first time she has gone anywhere with me and Tor with out Tammie.  I thought the haunted house was pretty lame.  Tor spent the whole time laughing at Jessie, who spent the whole time hanging on my waist with her face buried in the middle of my back.  LOL! 
Saturday afternoon, Tammie and I took the girls to go see Le Cirque Jungle Dreams at the Bass Hall.  It is a French style circus along the lines of Cirque Du Soleil.  Lots of acrobats and strong men.  Bright costumes and lots of black light effects.  Tammie and I enjoyed it a lot more than the girls.  Which kinda surprised me.  Tor loves those kind of circuses.  I guess next time Tammie and I will go alone.  After the show we took the girls halloween costume shopping.  Tor is going to be a Goth Fairy and Jessie is going to be a witch.  Then we went to dinner in Arlington. 
Sunday was an adults only day.  Tammie and I, along with Jennifer and David, went to the Cowboys game.  How 'bout them Cowboys!!!!!  They beat the Vikings 24-14!!!  We had a bit of a scare on the way out of the parking lot though.  As we were sitting still in traffic, some drunk just walked right into the side of my car.  Then started yelling and cussing at me through the locked door.  I pretty much ignored him and his girl friend was trying to drag him off.  He finally disappeared for a few minutes but then was right back at the door again.  By that time, we were on the phone with the police just in case.  My concern at that time was that he had gone back to his car and came back with a gun or something.  There was no way I was getting out of the car anyway, but I immediately started looking for ways to get out of there if I had to.  He finally started walking off saying how big a pussy I am "in front of your bitch".  LOL!  If it had been 10 years ago, I probably would have gotten out of the car and pounded his ass into the pavement.  But times and priorities change.  Unless he really did something to truly provoke it, I wasn't worried about it.  My blood pressure never even went up.  He wasn't worth the effort.  Tammie was a little freaked.  Her ex husband has a really nasty temper and probably would have been out the door after the guy for sure.  She has told me some things that he had done that it is amazing he isn't dead or in jail. 

Hope everyone had a great weekend and I will write more later.

Life just continues to get better and better.  Tor is doing great in school and is continuing to make new friends.  I have been dating my next door neighbor of 14 years for about a month now.  Who would have thought!? She is just an amazing woman.  There has not been a day go by that we haven't seen each other since the Friday before Labor Day.  Her daughter Jesse and Tor are 2 months apart,  Tor is the older.  Although they are a grade apart.  Becase we held Tor back one year after 1st grade.  Best decision we ever made regarding Tor.  Saturday, Tammie and her mother helped me clean out my bed room.  ALL DAY!  They even wanted to clean the bathrooms!  LOL!  That is one thing I won't let them do.  At least not until I do it first.  My bathroom is a royal wreck right now.  Between Tor and I it just hasn't been getting cleaned.  The toilets are clean, but the floors and counters are just awful!  But that will get rectified this week. 

We moved everything of Cyndi's into the front bedroom either folded on the bed or in boxes.  My God, that woman had a ton of stuff.  Her parents insist they want to come and go through it.  To me, that just seems like an exercise in futility and one that is going to do nothing but bring them more pain and misery.  Neither one of them can come to the house with crying.  And personally, Tor and I don't want to be around it.  We have both dealt with the issue and are ready to move on with our lives.  But, I am going to give them this week or next to do it.  And after that, I am donating it to a local women's shelter.  I did keep some stuff out for Tor, but for the most part, it all just needs to go.  There is some furniture that I am going to get rid of, but nothing of any consequence with the exception of my bed.  It needs to go.  Number one, it just isn't my "style" and of course there are the memory reasons too.  I don't know if they (in-laws) will want it.  Probably will and that is fine.  They can bring a truck over and pick it up.

That is enough for now I guess.  I will write more later I am sure.  But suffice to say, I am the happiest I have been in a long time and it is all because of Tammie. 
    

My dad went over to the Weatherford PD and picked up the last remaining items.  The video camera/tape and a notebook.  The notebook contained the suicide letter.  The camera had a tape which had part of the disney trip they took with Cyndi's parents and then the remainder of it was surrepitious recordings of conversations with Cyndi and her parents.  Except for the last 15 minutes or so of it.  I wasn't sure if/when I would watch this.  The detective who investigated the suicide told me that there was nothing socially redeeming on the tape.  She was right.  65% of it was a diatribe towards her parents and how mistreated she was.  30% was a diatribe towards me and how I had killed her and ruined her life.  The other 5% was sort of directed to Tori, telling her she loved her and that she was her sunshine and her life.  It was about what I had expected.  What I had not expected to be brutally honest was the complete lack of emotion on my part while watching it.  I really expected that I was going to need to get shit faced either before, during or after. Or all of the above.  Nothing could have been farther from the truth.  Some of the things she said in the tape were true.  But so much of it was so skewed by the prescription drugs and alcohol that it just made it that much clearer that I was doing the right thing for Tori.  I hate that Tori will not have her Mother around for the things that daughters need their Mom's for.  And that is something that I will never forgive Cyndi for.  What she did was so selfish and hateful.  Not to me and her parents.  I honestly wouldn't have expected any less.  But to Tori.  I can't imagine being at a point in my life where I would rather die than see the one thing that gives me hope and enjoyment.  I just can't fathom that emotion.  And the video didn't change my mind one bit.  If anything it further cemented my beliefs.  I know that suicide is considered one of the deadly sins for which you will life in purgatory forever.  I am not sure that I buy into that fact.  She was in so much pain both mental and physical prior to this that she does deserve relief.  I am of the opinion that everyone, with the exception of murderers/rapists and child molestors will go to heaven and be forgiven of their sins and released from what ever torture they were enduring. 

I feel oddly at peace right now.  I am not sure why.  She was my first true love and I don't know if that will ever happen again for me.  And I hate for Tori that she will not be here when Tori finds hers.  But I have to let her go and let my animosity go.  I think as I have been typing this tonight, it has begun to drift away.  If that makes any sense at all. 

Cyndi, I always loved you, even though I may not have been the best at showing it.  Tori will always love you and I will never let her forget you.  You are her mother and loved her more than life itself.  (maybe not the best choice of words).  No pun intended.  Please GodSpeed on your way to heaven.  I hope and pray that you are already there so that you can watch over Tori and be her guardian angel for the rest of her life.  Sleep Sweet and don't let the Big Bugs Bite.

I think yesterday was the best thing I could have done.  When I woke up this morning, I had a completely relaxed and content feeling that I have not had for 3 months now.  I listen to my ipod in the car and there would be songs that would come on that would have me fighting back tears. This morning those same songs came on and I had no reaction to them at all.  I don't remember if I mentioned it last night, but it poured buckets on me all the way there.  4 hours worth!  But the minute I pulled into the cemetery, it stopped.  I had stopped on the way over to pick up some white roses, a card and a little stuffed animal.  I left those on the grave and talked to her for about 45 minutes and it started to rain again.  So I took that as my sign to leave.  When I got home, Tori and I went to dinner and I asked her if she knew what today was.  She did, and then I told her where I was. She was ok with it all.  There wasn't a whole lot of emotion from her. Which does bother me a little bit.  I would have expected a little more.  So I just need to keep a close eye on her, I guess.

There's no  more flowers

There's no more spring

There's no more promises

Of golden wedding rings

I'd love to care enough

To slam another door

And I  would I don't feel that way anymore

I don't want to write you letters

I don't want to wtite you songs



I don't want your damn forgiveness

When I go do something wrong

Yea I'd love to pick my clothes up

When I throw them on your floor

And I would but I don't feel that way anymore





I'd love to hold you when you come home tired from work

I'd feel guilty when I act just like a jerk

And I'd love to talk to you darlin and act

Like I'm not bored

And I would but I don't feel that way anymore



I don't want to write you letters

I don't want to wtite you songs

I don't want your damn  forgiveness

When I go do something wrong

Yea you know I'd love to care enough to slam another door

And I would but I don't feel that way anymore

I wasn't there when you passed away, when God took you by the hand and said follow me this way.  I couldn't bring myself to see, what horrible things this disease had done to you

I'd like to remember you the way you were. I think this to myself, but is it really true?  As you laid in the shadow of death I pray you felt no fear, God rest your soul as you took your final breathe and shed your last tear. 

Where are you going?  What will you see?  Your pain is over, but what about me?   You didn't show fear while those around you wept, my fondest memories of you, in my heart is where they will be kept. 

I am sorry.

A Daughter's Sorrow

© By Michelle Torruella

How sad it is that I shall no longer feel your touch.
No longer will I feel the warmth of your hugs.

Your kisses placed gently upon my cheek.
Your hands braiding my long curly hair.

Oh, for so many years I have wept.
If only once I could call you and hear your reply.

You are my reminder that life should never be taken for granted.
You are my reminder that above all else life should be cherished.

As I pressed my lips upon the red rouged cheek; I knew that it was not you.
Your spirit was no longer in your body.

Your body was never cold to my touch.
Your eyes were always open when I called you.

Your love will always be eternal.
For, until I depart, I will always remember my dear mommy.


***************************************

I don't really know how Tor is feeling.  By all outward appearances she seems to be fine.  But how can she be when this is killing me?  I hope and pray that she is ok and that she will not wake up tomorrow and hate the world.  I know Cyndi loved her with all her heart.  But how could she do this to Tor?  I know deep down that it isn't my fault, but on some level too, I know that if I had never filed for divorce, no matter what my intentions were, that things might be different.  I haven't slept more than 3 or 4 hours a night in over a month.  And the few nights that I do sleep are tormented by dreams about what might have been or could have been.  The only time I can sleep honestly, is after hitting the bar or the frig for more than my fair share.  Even the meds that the my shrink prescribed don't help.  Why is that?  I truly feel that I did everything that I could to help her.  The only thing I didn't do, was to tie her down and force her to get help.  I thought that the threat of divorce and the possibility of losing Tor would do that.  Instead all it did was drive her to hang herself in the bathroom.  I had thought I was handling this ok, but here lately, I just don't know.  I know I that I am not anywhere even close to doing something stupid.  Those thoughts never enter my head.  I could never leave Tor.  She is my world and the reason for my existence.  I guess one of the things I am having trouble with is how could Cyndi do this to Tor.  She has said that Tor was her soul and her being and yet she did the one thing that could forever destroy the one person who would forever love her no matter what.  Not that I ever stopped loving her.  I never did.  I just didn't know what to do next to try and get her the help she so desperately needed.  Her birthday would have been this coming Monday (9/10).  I am not sure how that is going to go for me.  I have a feeling I am going to be a complete basket case.  Which isn't good for Tor.  Luckily, she is going to be busy in school and I am not going to say one word about it.  But damn it, how could she do this.  I keep flipping between being sad and just being pissed as hell.  I know both emotions are healthy.  But damn it, what the fuck do I do?  I just don't know.  I don't expect anyone to have the answers.  I guess it is more of a rhetorical question than anything.  A question which no one can answer.  How fucked up is that?  Thanks for letting me vent.  Even though, it wouldn't matter one way or the other.

Things haven't been the same since you've been gone. For a while I wondered how I'd carry on.  When I heard the news, I didn't know what to do.  It happened so suddenly, it just couldn't be true.  The police said you'd passed on, and you weren't coming home.  You'd gone on to Heaven, where your soul could roam.  I have cried all day and all night. I say I'm okay, but I'm not quite alright.  How can I pretend that I'm not still in pain, and wipe away the tears that fall like rain?  But I have to for Tor.  I can't let her know the pain that I am in.  She needs me so much and is depending on me for so much now. 
I'll remember that day, the day that we met, April 9th 1988, and your smiling face I will never forget.  This is my promise, a vow I'll keep evermore:  You'll be in my heart until I reach Heaven's shores.

 Cynthia was born on September 10, 1966 in Dallas, Texas. Mother, Daughter, Sister, Wife. Those 4 words don't even begin to describe who she was, but she was ecstatic being all those things. Cynthia love children and animals of all shapes and sizes. She was a very accomplished artist having won several blue ribbons for her photography at the State Fair of Texas. In addition to a passion for photography she was a very accomplished artist who enjoyed passing her talents down to her daughter Victoria. Cynthia was a person who everyone liked right away, she was very outgoing, loved a good laugh and hated sad movies. She grew up and graduated high school and college in Weatherford, Texas. She was married in 1988 in Weatherford, Texas. After a long and valiant struggle she was handed over to God on July 21, 2007. She was preceded to Heaven by her Grandparents Bill and Abby Sanders and Robert L. Forrest as well as her Uncle Lindy Sanders. She is survived by her daughter Victoria Alexis Palmer, age 12, and her husband Robert C. Palmer II of Mansfield, Texas. Her Parents, John and Cathy Forrest of Weatherford, Texas. Her Brother, Sister in Law and Nephew, John Forrest Jr., Erika Forrest and Jax Forrest of Weatherford, Texas. Forever she will be missed by all her family and friends.


Written by your loving and tormented husband.  please forgive me and I am sorry i never expressed this before now.