Robert Palmer

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Cathy, John Sr. and John Jr.
This is probably the hardest thing I have done.  The first being writing a goodbye to Cyndi. 

I will never know what effect my actions had on Cyndi.  Not just my actions in the last year but leading up to it.  After all, we are all whoe we are based on the actions of ourselves and those around us.

But the one thing I want all 3 of you to know is that I NEVER stopped loving or caring about your daughter and sister.  I am sure you may find this hard to believe.  But it is true.  My words my sound peculiar, or strange even.  I have tried to think of different ways to tell you.  But they always seem to come up short.  Which here lately seems to be the story of my life.  Constantly dissapointing those who depend on or need me the most.  All I can tell you is that I promise to be a better father to Tori than I was a husband to Cyndi.

I did everything I could, or at least I think I did, to try to resolve her physical suffering.  I know so much of it was out of our hands and in the hands of doctors.  But I hope you know and understand that I never denied Cyndi access to any specialist or doctor that she needed/wanted to go to.  Regardless of expense.  All I wanted was the girl I married to show back up.  And I know that you wanted that same vibrant and beautiful person back too.  So often we would see her emerge only to disappear back into the shell of pain and anquish.  I know that I am partially responsible for that.  Whether by my actions or words. 

I am not sure what I hope to accomplish by this letter.  The more I think about it, it is probably a mistake to give it to you.  But I also feel you need to know how I feel.

In short:  I love your daughter and sister, until I couldn't love her any more.  Not that I couldn't love any longer, but that I couldn't love her anymore than I already did. 

Please believe me when I tell you that I am sorry for your loss.  But not nearly as sorry as I am for mine and Tori's loss.  I know nothing can replace the loss of a daughter and  a sister.  And God forbid, I should ever have to experience that.  But please know that Cynthia will always hold a very special place in my heart and life, second only to Victoria.

I am Truly Sorry for OurLoss,

Robert

My Dearest Cyndi,
My God am I sorry!  I pray that you are now pain and torment free!  No one deserves that as much as you.  I never stopped loving you.  I just wanted you to get the help that you so desperately needed.  I knew there was nothing I could do to ease your physical pain.  And everything I tried to ease your mental anquish either backfired dramatically or just plain didn't work.   I NEVER stopped loveing you.  I know dreams die hard and ours died because of my mistakes.  And I will pay for that for the rest of my life.  Did I lose you for the things I left unsaid?  or for the things I did?  Even through the distance of heaven and earth, I will love you.  It was not easy to let you go.  After all that we went through, my heart aches for you now more than it ever did in life.  Why is that?  Because I can't hold you now?  I have been crying everytime I am alone.  I hope my apologies are making it to you.  You deserved so much better the last 5 or 6 years.  I don't know why you didn't leave me!  You should have!  I know it is too late for this, but, I PROMISE TO BE A BETTER FATHER THAN I HAVE BEEN A HUSBAND!  I also promise to never allow Victoria to forget anything about you!  She was your world and I destroyed that.  I hope you know that Tori picked out your clothes.  I am also including, to keep you company on this journey, the unicorn that she gave you.  We all know how magical they are!
My God how I wish I could get a second, hell, fourth or fifth chance at this point.  When I close my eyes everynight, I dream of you.  About the happy times.  Watching the Blue Angels in San Fran from the fire escape.  Even though you were terrified to be there.  Our Anniversary Dinner at Pasha's in San Fran.  Tori keeping us up all night at the Ritz because it was too quiet.  Losing my toenail in the hottub at Timberview.  Walking all the way across London and destroying the stroller wheels. 
You will be the Lady and child in my dreams.  And even tho your eyes are green, they will always be my baby blue.  I don't know what happened with us.  I know you blame me.  And you may very well be 100% right.  You probably are.  You were always alot more "common sensier" than me.  I don't know how we are going to get through this.  I miss you more now than I did when I was in boot camp.  I didn't think that was possible.  You never realize what you have until it is gone.  And nothing could be truer tonight.  Right now I am cried out for tonight.  But I know that it is going to start again.  God I miss you.  Why couldn't I feel these things when you were here?  Maybe you would still be here.  I don't know if you can do this, but please visit John in his dreams and let him know that you are better and will see him when he gets to heaven.  He misses you terribly. 
I know you are in Heaven.  Anyone that suffered through the mental, physical and emotional turmoil you have had to deal with over the last 35 years, has to be seated at the Right Hand of God. 
Please visit Tori in her dreams too.  She is going to need your guiding hand.  I don't know if you will visit me or haunt me.  But please know that I am sorry for all the grief, stress and pain that I caused you.  I will always love you and will always think of you.  Especially on days that mean something to you.  April 10, 1988; July 29, 1988; May 4, 1995; September 10 and December 25 of every year. 

May GOD speed you on your journey to Heaven and know that you are loved and will be forever missed.

Your loving and Very Tormented Husband

We just found out my cousin, Clarke, who is 10 years older than me died on sunday of a Pulmonary Embolism.  He was living in Las Vegas.  Right now I don't have all the specifics, but needless to say, this scares the sh*t out of me now.  As I have mentioned in the past, the whole reason for me having surgery was to try to head off future health problems when I get close to 50.  My grandfather died of a HA at 50, my dad had his first at 50 and a stroke at 50, his brother had his first HA at 50.  I turn 41 this year.  God I hope I did this soon enough!