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 Remember when you were younger and the sun was setting behind you and your shadow was as long as the pavement? Legs stretched out arms thin, a giant. I was reminded of this today when I went on a walk. I seem to be spending a lot of time alone lately. I don't know if this is my doing, or it could be that my friends are tired of hearing about my surgery. Part of me feels like I would be tired of it if I were them.  Tomorrow is my last full day before surgery. I have class until 3, then its home and getting my bottle of disgusting soda in me, and everything else out. I'm excited, I really am. I'm excited that my mom will be here to support me for a little bit, but, I think I am excited to do this on my own, I am 22 and independent. Its been this way for 5 years now. I moved 7 hours away from home for school and, essentially never looked back. I see no reason to look back when my future is in front of me. I am glad that some of this journey will be done with me alone because I never did well with people hovering over me. That's not how a person learns to be independent. Yes, its true, I am going to be upset when my mom leaves. But, I know that I will be seeing her again soon. 24 days later, actually.

My journey has been an interesting one so far. And rather quick too. I went to my first seminar in December. The surgeon was very nice and answered all my questions without hesitation. When I realized he was not in my insurance plan, I decided to shop around. When I found UCSF, I was thrilled. They're big in the medical field and they are pretty up to date with technology. I went to my second seminar in February. I also met my surgeon that day too, Dr. Jonathan Carter. He was super nice and I think he was glad to see someone on the younger side. (every time I've been to the surgical practice, I haven't seen patients my age..) He went over all my paperwork and he asked me some questions about my life--if I felt I was healthy, if I could walk distances, if I was able to walk up stairs, if I slept through the night, if my periods were regular...all the fun stuff. I'm healthy. I'm obese and healthy. Who knew. Anyway, he checked me over and then we talked about pre-op testing. It was usual. I needed a Nutritionist Consult, a Psych Eval, an ECHO, and an Ab Ultrasound. My list was short. VERY short. I was grateful. My age and health is to thank. The minute I got home from his office, I jumped on the phone and within the hour, I had both my ECHO and my Ultrasound scheduled for the next day. I was loving how easy it was. I read SO many people's journeys and saw how difficult it was..Then I got to the Psych Eval...I had to find a Psychologist that was in my insurance and even then, I made at least 2 dozen phone calls before anyone got back to me. I finally had an appointment and then I had to wait for my letter...and wait...and wait.....2.5 weeks later, I had received both letters I needed and I was on my way. 

My hope for this surgery was spring break. March 19-27th....No such luck, I did however, get the last available spot in April. So, like I said, very quick, VERY interesting....

OK, 1 more day. I can do it. I CAN!!!!! :D

there are so many things on my mind right now. So many different things to think about, to handle, to deal with mentally. It's April 21st. I can't believe it. 

Can I first start out by saying that my change of diet is making me VERY irritable. the little things that never used to annoy me are really getting to me. I'm just assuming that this is all coming from me and that the things that are annoying me aren't really THAT troublesome. I'm having issues with my friends. I'm not sure what exactly it is, but, it's a mixture of anger and resentment on my end. This may sound horrible, but, I think it may be that I hate that they love themselves in the state that their in. I understand that some people are just comfortable the way they are. Thats fine. I'm glad they love themselves....but, I think part of me is jealous that they love themselves being SO grossly overweight, and I look at myself in the mirror and I'm repulsed. I never used to think that way until.....until I'm not sure when...until that day, I guess when I decided that I had enough of being stared at, of SQUEEZING into a too small chair, or pair of jeans. I had enough. But them....what is it about them? Why is it okay for them to look that way and feel good about it? I just don't understand. My mother seems to think that they're jealous that I am doing something about my life, making it better, and they aren't, but I'm not sure this is the case. 

I'm also worrying a lot. A LOT. I know it's normal to be worried and stuff, but, I just feel like when I cross one thing off my to-do list, another thing or two gets added. I have school to deal with this weekend. I also have a liquid diet to fight. I have food shopping and laundry and just general worrying. I'm just scared. What if I wake up and I'm still hungry? I don't think I'd be able to handle that. What if I wake up and I'm in pain? I know that this will happen, but, it's still scary. What if my friends abandon me? It could happen. What if I F-up? What if THEY F-up? What will happen when my mom leaves? Why do I have to do this on my own? Why does everything I do in life have to be to prove something to myself or others? and why is this no different?

I used to think that my mom took the easy way out by having the surgery. I used to think that thought as I watched my weight yo-yo. I beat myself up every day getting dressed, chastising myself for not looking like everyone else, not feeling like my best self. Its funny though...I just want to be me for once, instead of what everyone else expects...but, there are times that I don't know who I am. I've been living for other people for so long, living to impress and to cover up my fatness with words and ideas that make people forget...What if I don't like who I am? It's just been so long, I forget....

I don't think that people really understand the choice to have WLS. A lot of times, when I bring it up they look at me like I'm crazy, so, I stop bringing it up. This is difficult for me, because when I do that, I have no one to talk to about anything. I feel like my support system is patchy. I'm picturing it like a fishing net with holes in it. My friends aren't going to stop their lives because of my surgery. I know that. They aren't going to stop going out, or start changing their eating habits because of me and I wouldn't expect them to! But, what I did expect, that I gave up on, is support.

I think right now, its super important to think about me and whats best for me. But when I start to worry about things, I find it hard to focus. I need someone to just hold my hand for a few minutes....I can't wait for my mom to get here....

 Hey friends....

I'm having some issues with finding protein. I know there are SO many kinds out there, and I don't know which is best and which workds best for post-op stuff....Right now, I was thinking of sticking with isopure, but, I dunno...I'm not really liking any of the shake type drinks, they all taste too sweet and/or chalky for me...I've been leaning more toward the fruit flavors (like the isopure drinks)

I was hoping to do a sort of make your own jamba juice thing with isopure, ice and fruit (like berries) in a blender.  

I'm just really wanting something that tastes good with a good amount of protein...anyone have any favorites?

 Hey friends!
I haven't been around here in awhile, school has been a bit crazy, butttttt----

I HAVE A DATE!!!!

It's super exciting. I'm really getting pumped about it. My mom is flying out and getting a hotel room and everything. It's going to be really great.

My official date is: April 26, 2011. Which means--19 days. HOLYCOW. that's not a long time. Not at all....

I have neglected to do this for awhile now, but, I have a VIDEO BLOG that I've been using to keep people up to date on my surgical Journey. If you're interested (there are only 5 entries so far) but, Here is the link:

Lindsey's Journey To Bring The Inside Outside

Okay, so, I will keep everyone posted on things, but, I have a week off from school, and I am planning on spending all that time recovering and getting better!! :) or course, it will take longer than a week, but, I should be okay to just sit in class and go back home.

One thing that has been kind of weighing on me is that I honestly don't know what to expect. I have read SO MANY people's blogs and posts on both ends of the spectrum. From: "My surgery was great! I danced my booty off the very next night!!" to "I was in the hospital for a year and died 3 times and no longer have a stomach." SO, it's been tough. Everyone heals differently, everyone is made differently, so, everyone's process is unique....It just puts thoughts in your head...

OK. homework. later, lovers.

 Since the consult on Wednesday, I can check 4 pre-op tests off my list.

1. Echocardiogram done on Thursday
2. Abdominal Ultrasound done on Thursday
3. Blood Work done Friday (today)
4. Pap Test done in October

The only things I have left are 

1. Psych Clearance
2. Nutritionist Consult

I will schedule them both on Monday so that (hopefully) by friday my whole list will be done!

It's getting closerrrrrr. yay! 
SO exciting!

 So, I just got home from my first surgical consult and I'm SO pumped.

I only need an EKG and and an Abdominal Ultrasound along with some bloodwork. 
Of course I need a psych clearance, but, duh. 
and a Nutritionist consult. 
I am hoping to get all of these things done within a week and a half....can I do it?---if the people I need to speak to are willing, then I can!

Otherwise, I'm good to go...I know that I started out thinking about VSG, but, I may be leaning more toward the RNY. Will update more about that later. 

I am very positive about everything going on. I am hoping for the best and still gunning for a March surgery date. it's only the 16th. I can get everything done before march, I know it!

My surgeon told me that I was in great health and that I was an excellent candidate for the surgery.

This is a bit rambly and I'm still sick and stuffy, so, to lunch and to class I go. 

oh, and PS: I was told not to lose any weight or insurance wouldn't approve the surgery. Cheeseburger? yes please! haha.

 So, Yay! I meet with my surgeon on Wednesday. but boo, I'm sporting a cold. I guess I'm really excited and don't want this cold to bring me down...I blame it on the wonky SF weather. *shakes fist at mother nature* Sigh....I haven't had a cold or been s*ck in months....I was trying so hard to stay healthy...The surgeon is going to see me snotting and sneezing all over everything and think I'm a mess. haha. 

ANYHOO, I've been making some really awesome friends on this site, and I'm so excited for their successes. It gives me so much home that my surgery will run smooth and that things will be well.

Eeeeeeep!
ok. I'm going to lay down until class tomorrow. sigh. 

 So, I've been staring at the Before and Afters again...sigh. I just can't help it. I've taken notice to something though--clothes. Most every before picture is of a heavy person in frumpy clothes. Now....I know that there are some days where my self esteem is in the toilet...and by "some days" I mean most every day. I find myself not wanting to buy new clothes or shoes just because I know I don't want to look like this forever. The only clothes I do buy are on clearance...no shirt over $10 and no pants over $20. Old Navy is perfect for this. BUT, the clothes I buy, they're not just t-shirts and jeans. 

Now, this may be because of my age and/or my outlook on life, but, I find myself trying to dress to impress, even if it's just my friends. I mean, there are only so many ways to wear a tshirt and jeans. Sure, we can all find them, but, why not wear an off the shoulder t-shirt and some cropped pants? It's still what you're used to, it still covers you, but, its a bit more stylish. 

This blog may be falling on deaf ears because all of those before and afters are just that--frumpy and hot pictures. It seems to me that as the weight comes off and the self esteem starts to climb, the clothing starts to...I dunno..get sexier...get better? hm. interesting. Now, I'm not trying to state the obvious here....I'm just trying to enlighten myself as to what's happening in people's heads.

I'm just excited to see what I will wear....perhaps a two piece bathing suit? Something I haven't warn since my age was in the single digits? we shall see!

 SO, this is my first blog and I need to say that within my first hours on this site, I have become hopelessly addicted to the before and after feature. I can't stop rolling over pictures. Every single one of them is like....its own fabulous success story. I just want to hear all of them! I want to listen and take notes and I just want that to be me one day. 

My mom (who had RNY 7 years ago) and I have discussed the fact that when she was getting ready for hers, she didn't really know or think about what she was going to look like after because she was always relatively heavy growing up. I feel the same way, but, you know...a girl can dream...I look at myself in the mirror sometimes and just picture me--but thinner. thinner thighs, arms, face....but who knows, that could very well not happen. there could be someone completely different under all this extra body. Its just a fun thing to think of....

Also, my mom and I discussed the fact that she doesn't feel like a skinny person. She still feels like she felt when she was heavy. Which, kind of made me sad. My mom has been the biggest inspiration to me growing up, I wish she could see how beautiful she is. To shake things up a little, I feel like being younger, I will have more time to adjust to my body and (I'm hoping) my skin will bounce back a little bit more and I will be able to accept myself for my thinness. But, my fear is that my critical self-loathing eye will not disappear. I feel like I WILL be like my mom and not see myself for who I am becoming....you know? I want to be able to see myself as thin, fit, healthy....I guess that's something to learn!

Also, Surgical consult on the 16th......hoping for all good things! :D
cross your fingers buddies!