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The observation is this, that I had lap band surgery and altered my body but have done very, very, little addressing the reasons I got to the point I had the wls.

In the 13 months since I had my procedure I have lost 45 pounds and my current weight is 253 lbs.  I started out at 283 lbs now if you the math seems off you are right.  I have lost pounds and then gained and then lost and then gained.  I'm still less than when I started but not by much.  Still I say that the band was a success.  It does it's job and keeps me from crazy massive binge fests. The reason I haven't lost more is because my head hasn't been "banded" and consequently "fixed".  

The reasons we've had wls are as varied as they are personal but I have found out that the biggest problem is the "fat mentality" more so than our digestive tracts.  Still though I believe there is a degree of very real food addictions that banding helps control while your rational mind catches up and slows that roll.

I used to be angry and jealous when I'd read folk's blogs that had wls around the same time I did who had lost all this weight.  I asked myself why and swore I'd be honest.  It was not pretty.  I was angry because I wanted to keep eating the way I did with all the crap food and lose weight.  I thought because I got banded I would have a free pass from doing the work and I didn't.  When I ate bad and too much, too frequently I gained weight.  WTH!!!  It took me a minute to figure that one out.  

The other thing I noticed was that I was losing the most weight consistently when I embraced a spirit of gratitude and nonjudgement.  But I don't know why but around December I noticed that a spirit of negativity enveloping me and by the time January settled in I had fully embraced a pissy, nasty, bitchy attitude. Rather than seeing the best in people, all I focused on was the negative.  As much as I judge people I swear I should be in the supreme court by now.  Yes, I think I'm  that good, God has nothing on me.  (Extreme sarcasm)  Unfortunately I include myself and judge me even more harshly that everyone else.  Guess what else was happening, I was also gaining weight and found I couldn't stop.  No surprise there.

So here I am, fighting this war within me.  Good and evil; light and darkness.  When I feel down that I'm never going to have a healthy body, that I'm a loser I think about something I read, "Every time you get back up is a sign of faith and hope.  Because if you truly had no hope of succeeding you would just lie and die.  Getting up announces that you have faith that this time you just might make it."

I ask God for forgiveness, courage, strength and faith.  I ask the Holy Spirit for the gifts of love, joy peace, patience, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, and temperance and some more faith.  And for all things I give thanks.

 When I've written it's with the mindset that somebody will be reading this so I don't always write what I feel or think or most importantly what I've been/not been doing.  

Today I'm writing honestly.  It may not be uplifting, inspiring or good for anything other than to see words on paper and hold myself accountable but if Jenci was brave enough to write the truth I can do the same.

eating anything
not measuring
not counting protein
pop
cakes
caffeine
not exercising
eating past full
crying over coat
testing boundaries
pms

 I signed up at the Y and had my first work out using the Active Traxx computerized personal system.  Last night I dreamed about running because for the first time yesterday I RAN on the treadmill and nothing hurt.  Sure I had all kinds of jiggling and I my booty definitly needs a bra but neither my knees (poor bastards) hips, or feet hurt.  I really for real ran!  It was about 12 seconds but hey, I ran.

When I say I dreamt about running it was a good kind of running, like marathon running, like Nike commercials running.  Not nightmare, scary dog, monster, something chasing me to devour me, get away running.  It was awesome.  This is a first.  I'm gonna get on the treadmill today and see how it goes.  In my head all I hear is "13 seconds.  Thats all you need to do today to be better than yesterday.  13 seconds."

I realize that I hide. Just like a little kid when I'm acting bad, I hide. I had about 4 blog entries for April and nary a one for May.  Thats because I've been eating all kinds of cake and pastries and processed meats and eating almost every 2 hours.  I don't know what is triggering all this.  Non "head" reasons include not drinking enough water.  I cannot emphasize how huge a role that plays in controlling my hunger.  Of course eating low quality carbs and sugar spike insulin production which triggers a crash when results in feeling hungry.  Add to that using food for non nutritional purposes aka emotional ones, and you have yourself one hot mess.

When I went to my lap band clinic appt in April I weighed 249.6 for a grand loss of 30 lbs since Feb 23.  I was kinda worried cause I hadn't walked the straight and narrow like I was instructed to but overall my nurse practitioner was satisfied but still sent me for a fill.  Ok, fill is done and I'm to return to the clinic in one month.  Her goal for me is to drop 10 lbs at my next visit.  Come May I'm at the clinic and step on the scale.  I have lost a whopping 0.4 lbs the entire month bringing my weight to 249 lbs.  Imagine that.  I actually thought I might've gained but the lap does help in spite of myself.  So there.  No blogging cause I was bad and thought I had nothing good to say.

The nurse quietly read me the riot act and told me I run the risk of stretching my pouch as well as the lower portion of my ESOPHAGUS!  I'd heard about the stomach but not the esophagus.  Well dam, it makes sense though.  So she sent me to get another fill.  I went and I have to say I've definately noticed the difference.  I've been doing good for the most part since the fill until yesterday when I tried to do some fast eating while on a very short break at work.  I ended up throwing up some of it.  It was a new feeling this business of not being able to get the food down.  Even so all I could think about was something to snack on and I nibbled 2 large graham crackers with sips of chai tea.  Thank God he intervened at this point and I was able to take the hint and  I took a long walk and that helped stop the spiral of craziness.  Work would still be there when I got back.  When I returned I was in a much much better place.  The whole downward spiral got broken.  I started drinking my water and didn't eat the rest of the night.  I work 2nd shift by the way.  I've been trying not to weigh myself but I couldn't help it.  I did and I've dropped 2 lbs since my fill.  

This morning I let too much time go from when I woke up until I had breakfast and was very hungry and was thinking of what to eat and what to eat and I'm gonna eat this and then I'm gonna eat that and when I came back from running my errnads I went straight to the fridge and started rummaging and found some left over pizza my kids brought home.  I grabbed a small (It was small) square and started to down the first bite when I felt it having a hard time going down.  That stopped me in my tracks.  I refrained from taking another bite until I sat down and consciously chewed the mouthful to death before swallowing.  I still ate a little faster than I liked.  Cold pizza is going to be a problem food for me because while I did get it down, it didn't go without a fight.  This feeling of restriction totally stopped the begining binge and I started blogging and now it's been at least 20 minutes and lo and behold, I'm not hungry anymore.  Yeah for time.

Thats whats been going.  I will talk to yous later.

 I think I went through a testing phase.  Kinda like when your with somebody who seems to good to be true then you act like a real bitch or just plain crazy just to see if he will really stick around and you can believe your worth it or he leaves like that crazy negative voice says he will cause you don't deserve someone like that or he really was to good to be true.  

Except my testing was with weight loss and the band.  I got banded 2 months tomorrow.  I got my first fill 2 weeks and a few days ago and just got another fill 2 days ago.  I have a 10 cc band and i'm filled to 8cc's at the moment.  
I was doing good following the eating plan and was losing weight.  Then slowly I started messing up, testing boundaries.  I figured out that if I eat too much at one sitting I get this pain/discomfort in what it feels like my heart.  It is very uncomfortable, so I didn't push it much beyond 2-3 more times.  (I'm just laying it out there)  I still kept losing weight though.  Not a whole lot but still, the numbers were going down.  Well I set up the conditions where I got stressed to the max and said, fuck and straight up went on a binge over the course of 3 days.  The scale didn't go down anymore at all. I think I gained 2 lbs but then lost them in 3 days which I attribute to pms.  Anyway, thank God I had a dr appt w my surgeons office coming up so I could talk to them.  Because I'm nuts and have this overwhelming people pleasing dysfunction I took a laxative prior to the visit and wore my lightest clothes so I could control the damage when I stepped on the scale.  I also didn't eat or drink a drop of anything before getting weighed.  With all that it states in my chart that I have lost a total of 30lbs since the first day I walked in the office to see if I was a candidate.  Nonetheless they gave me an order for another fill which I got 2 days later.

Imagine that.

So I've been doing alot of reflecting and actually have a different mind set.  It also helps that the clinic expects me to lose 10 lbs by the next visit in 1 month.  I do better with goals.  I'm actually taking time to reflect and trying to plug into my higher power.  I'm back on track because even though I binged (and let me tell you that hurt like hell) my band still stayed faithful.  It's not going anywhere.  It didn't abandon me and still worked with me to help me lose the weight.  Now I'm trying that much harder.  I can do this.  The band was not like a diet where it helped for a while and then when sheer will power failed I gained the weight back.  Yes I have exercised my will power by not eating everything I want cause I can still eat crap just less than before but if I eat small amounts often enough it'll add up and I'll gain; and while it's felt so very hard and I caved in, the band controlled the intake enough that I didn't gain and fall into the "I've failed yet again, what the use in keeping up the fight" mentality.  
It was such a comforting thought.  I feel like I really might be able to do this.

God please keep watch over me and thank you for all the victories, big and small.  Amen.

 So many things have been happening lately that I've felt so overwhelmed.  I got a fill 2 weeks ago and I don't feel much different.  I can still eat way more than the info I got from the hospital says I should.  Today I saw the surgeons office for a follow up appointment and incredibly I've lost 12 lbs since they last saw me March 3rd.  Crazy.  Ok probably not so much because I'm pretty sure I was hitting 5,000 calories per day prior to banding.  Even so I was pretty honest at the appt when they asked me to write down what all I was eating and requested another fill.  The quickly agreed I needed another one and I have an appointment 2 days later!  Last time I had to wait about a week for the appointment.  

I'm not gonna lie and tell you I've been walking the straight and narrow.  I tried and was successful for 3 weeks as of last week it all went to hell in a handbasket.  I've have had quite the mind job.  It's amazing how perspective changes everything.  It's rather complicated and INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!

I will try to explain.  These are the different thoughts raging through my brain.  While I'm trying to write coherently and logically it might not be easy to follow because it is after all insanity.  This is my predominating thought process lately which battles with other thoughts.

I don't like chocolate chip cookies.  Yet the mentality that rules me is that of a little kid who is told you cannot have these chocolate chip cookies and then watches as they're placed on top of the fridge.  Now, of course, all I can think of is getting these chocolate chip cookies at all cost cause they're cookies and I was told I couldn't have them.  So here I am scheming how to get to the damned cookies when all around me are piles of other cookies that I do like but I can't see them for wanting what I was told I couldn't have.  In trying to get to the top of the fridge I end up hurting myself and blinding myself to whats around me.  When i get to the top of the fridge, cause I do, I eat the cookies that I don't even like!  Then I stand around feeling unsatisfied.  What the heck!  Yup it's crazy. 

 Sometimes I look at the before and after pics and insanely think that thats how it's going to happen for me; that I will be at my heaviest and then >click< I am miraculously thin and fabulous hence I get so confused when I eat the wrong foods and bigger portions on a regular basis and I'm not melting nor is the scale going down.  Just so confused like I don't understand it.  Then sanity comes back from vacation and it all makes sense.  If I eat too much and ingest more calories than I burn the scale will not go down and I will not lose weight.  Because I'm not eat nearly as much as before (I consistently ate about 4,000 calories per day) I may not gain weight right now but eventually I will if I keep it up.

The problem as I see it is that I do really good during the day time.  You know how a werewolf gets when the full moom comes out?  Well that's how I get when it gets dark.  It's like I turn into this shark cruising the waters looking to see what I find; a mindless eating machine not governed by reason.  

Breakfast and lunch I plan I eat and move on it's like the last meal, the final stretch turns into a free for all.  It's a 5-6 hour stretch but even if I guzzle water and my stomach is full I still feel hungry.  Then the physical hunger triggers my head hunger and then I turn into the shark.  All I can think of is eating eating eating.  By the time I get home and prepare something to eat I picking and then eating like I've been starving for a week.  It's very disappointing.

I don't even think to pray and ask for strength, I don't even reason.  It's not like I fight myself and say, "Easy there, slow down, chew thoroughly," because that doesn't come to my mind because I've turned into mindless eating wereshark.  I prayed this morning for awareness during those episodes and strength to resist them and courage to stop when I'm in it because I'm doing it for a reason and wisdom to figure out why.  I know He heard me.  I'm scared what I'll find out.

 I signed up for swimming lessons last week.  I had my first class on satuday and I was so freakin happy.  I love love love moving in the water.  I love the resistance when I move my arms.  The last time I took classes was 20 years ago and let me tell you I noticed alot more "pops", "creaks", and "snaps" this time around.  My shoulders and hips have definately paid the toll for all this extra weight I carry.  Nonetheless this is the first time in a long time that I move my body so completely.  I was stoked and actually wanted to keep active the rest of the day.  Yesterday I sat alot at work but then took a 40 min brisk walk during my lunch hour.  Today I didn't really swim laps but I did spend 45 minutes in constant movement in the water with my daughter.  Unfortunately I binged on Easter and then overdid it  for dinner tonight.  The upside is I it was early in the evening and only for dinner.

I find that it's hard to break old habits.  When I started school every break involved eating.  Now I'm trying to stick to just the 1 meal while at school but when the non lunch breaks come I feel so deprived that by the time I leave I've pretty talked myself into a starbucks venti chai with a scone and I'm not even hungry because I guzzle 16oz of water cause I know myself.  I didn't do the starbucks today but when I got home I acted like I hadn't eaten all day.  All just cause I resisted starbucks.  It was time for me to eat but dam not like that.  Something I will have to ask for help from God cause I'm not seeing my therapist anymore.

Twice.  Really.  This is the second time my blog has been deleted before saving when I tried to backspace.  

But this is important for me to write for my future success and maybe someone else's.

Today I overate. It was Easter and in the past holidays were an eating free for all.  That was the mentality I had today except I didn't fare so well because I'm banded now.  Consequently I am in so much pain right now.  The heart pain is the strongest I've had so far and now even my ribs hurt.

I write this in spite of having done it much more eloquently twice before because I tend to gloss the past over.  Something could have been very terrible and yet when I look back I may say, it wasn't sooo bad and continue to engage in the same behaviors.  This is to remind me that it was very bad.  I hurt very much and I'm scared that if my actual heart does indeed hurt I won't know for certain if it's because I overate and not do anything about it and then die.  Thats truth right there.

I'm learning how not to set myself up.  Because today I realize that I'm a sneaky punk.  I really do try to trick my own self.  Like not preparing anything for dinner and letting myself get so hungry that I eat whatever I can get my hands on and then be like well, I didn't have any good choices to choose from.  I can't believe I buy that.  But there it is.  Thank you God for showing me that.  I pray you help me act on that realization to better myself.

There is so much to learn.

 I said I wasn't going to be weighing myself at home, at all.  I would know how I was doing doing based on my Dr's scale when I went in for my follow ups.  Yeah right.  I kept the scale in the car but I brought it in and pretty much had been weighing myself every day.  WTH?!?  Anyway I seemed stuck between 261 and 254 it was no surprise given how I'd been eating but still, I thought to myself, I'm eating alot less that I did prior to banding.  Well I quit weighing myself and put the scale back in the car.  I took some milk of mag because I was going on 4 days with nothing and I used to go everyday if not a few times a day and I figured I was retaining at least 3lbs of "back up."  I started reading a good book that addresses the spiritual side of weight loss and I re re re re re connected with God yet again.  

All in all I didn't weigh myself for a little while and when I got back on the scale (first thing in the morning, before taking my med or any water, after peeing and after 3 days of loose bowels the week before and totally naked) it said I was 245!!!  I broke the 250 mark!  I hadn't seen that number in a long time.  As far as I can remember I've weighed between 203 and 215lbs while I was single and quite active.  Then I had my first kid and my weight ballooned to 250lbs.  That was horrific for me.  I felt like a monster (I had alot of help from family helping with that) I held that weight pretty steady until I got divorced and had my 3rd child about the same time then I went up to 280+ it was sad.

Finally about 2 yrs ago my sister and I decided to hire a personal trainer and we worked out with him for about 2-3 months at which time I weighed in at 238lbs yahoo!  Then I stopped working out and eventually crept back up to 278lbs and there I was until I had my wls.  So to see 245lbs on the scale even with all the "cheating" is a really really big deal to me.  I felt inspired.

So inspired that I put in an application at the ymca and then I also signed up for a swim class.  I have to say that I love, love, love the water.  Since I was a kid I've loved the water but never really learned to swim until I was in my 20's.  I had my first class yesterday and I loved it.  It felt so good to move and stretch out so completely without the resistance of gravity and pain.  I was high all the rest of the day just from that one hour in the pool.  I hadn't been in a pool like that in over 2 years.  It was wonderful!