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 I really like that Pink song that goes, "Don't wanna be myself no more I wanna be somebody else."  I don't mean this in a deragatory way it just means that I'm going to act as if I'm already at where I want to be.  Today I am as successful as Oprah and I know Oprah does not sit around at a computer trying to get out of doing what she has to.  

Everything that woman does is scheduled, purposeful, and efficient.  She knows the value of time and commitment.  I'm her today so I'm getting off the computer and making it happen!  I will get all my water in today and I will stay on plan.  I will look at the big picture as well as the steps that make it up.

I loved pretending when I was little.  I forgot what it was like to play, I'ma do that today.  I may even buy myself a yo yo if all goes well!

Laters

I didn't realize how much water truly makes a difference.  It's amazing stuff!  I've been bingeing as much as my lap band permitted and couldn't stop myself.  I thought it was because I was weak, I was a loser etc etc... all the negative crap my head tells me when in reality the main problem was I wasn't drinking enough water.

Today I swore I was going to get ALL my water in no matter what.  Well IT WORKED!!!!  For the first time in several days I wasn't nearly as obsessed with food nor did I feel like I was starving and I was able to resist temptation a whole lot better.  I ate only what I planned which was balanced with sufficient protein and not all of it from an animal source.  I wasn't as tired either even though I've had a grueling 3 days plus starting my period which always wipes me out.  I done good!  Yay me!  I'm celebrating this day.  It's been the best one in 2 weeks.

Will make sure I get enough water in tomorrow and see how that goes. 

p.s. I played the mega millions for tonight.  I hope I win!  Jackpot is $363 million so far.  Again, I hope I win, just putting it out there for the universe to hear.  =)

Today was an interesting day.   I've had several revelations and truths become apparent.  Today I learned that I have a toxic relationship with the man I love.  I recognized how detrimental to my success this relationship is, it was so clear to me today.  My kids hate him (he was mean to them when we lived together in that he yelled at them alot) so I see him on the sly.  I deny to them that I'm with him yet I am.  (warning flag: lying to the people that are dearest to me)  C saw him by the house and I totally lied my ass off to cover that up.  That incident really threw me off, I was scared she would realize I lied to her and that she would be well within her rights to be very very angry with me.  I was angry that he would let himself be seen.  I suspect he wants to bring this to a head where I will be forced to "choose" the problem with that is that I won't choose him over the kids which now brings me such sadness.  I was just so sad because it is so clear to me that I need to end it with him and I do care about him.  Then I was scared/worried because he does alot of handyman things around the house.  Of course I didn't realize all that at the time, I was just angry so I just went to school for class.

The minute I got out the car because he gives me a ride most mornings I just wanted to run to dunkin donuts or subway and eat a tuna salad sandwich. Of course I hadn't eaten "breakfast" but I did drink a green coconut's water. BUT I didn't!  Yay points for me.  I analyzed right in that moment I said to myself, "You are angry and stressed and you want to comfort yourself.  Will this make the situation better?  No, it will not.  You might actually feel better for a minute but it will be short lived and you will be doing yourself more harm in the end."  and I didn't eat.  I just went upstairs. 

Now, lately I've been eating solid food even though I'm only supposed to be on full liquids.  I just have been craving meat and hell, just food in general.  Today I completed 4 weeks post band and here is where the craziness is about to be exposed.  It seems like ALL DAY LONG (and at night too because I even dream of food) I think about food.  I love the Red eye for the cross word puzzle.  I can usually finish it pretty quick by myself and it makes me feel quite smart.  Well lately I've been reading it especially the ads for lunches/dinners or articles about food.  I don't lick the paper but thats only cause people are watching and I don't want them to think I'm nuts.  I like to keep that private. ha ha.  When I'm on the bus or the train or driving I read all the specials that restaurants of fast food joints have and they stay in my mind and I obsess about them.  It's like I have a scab but I keep picking at it until bleeds then I'm like, oh oh.  I have wound now I need to bust out the first aid kit.

I've convinced myself that the swelling is down internally and there is no fluid in my band so of course it makes sense that those damned protein shakes don't hold me over for 4 hours so I'm constantly hungry.  I was denying the fact that I'm food obsessed and letting my mind dictate my "hunger" rather than my physical stomach.  Of course by now, I've justified eating solid food.  But here is the crazy thinking; when I was about to start the 5 days of clear liquids prior to banding for 2 weeks I ate like the world was going to run out of food.  Normally I don't eat pork for religious reasons but I don't know what happened to me other than my animal drive overcame my mental limits or rather crazy won and I was eating all kinds of stuff mostly processed meat and I developed a love affair with bacon.  I didn't even try to hide that.  Well now it seems that I'm back to that mentality because I'm thinking that since my band isn't filled I can probably eat more right now than I will be able to after my first fill which is in 2 weeks so should take advantage and eat the things I want or will be able to right now.

I'm scared of getting a fill.  The idea of a needle (a long big ass needle) going into my stomach scares me.  I feel quite let down by the OH community because I had a moment of freak out and posted about it but nobody responded when I specifically requested responses.  I don't mean that they responded right away nobody responded at all.  But thats ok. 

Before banding when I was in school my typical routine was a honey bran muffin and a chai from dunkin donuts at 8am then some sort of snack or the rest of the chai at 10:30am then lunch at 12:50p like a foot long subway whatever with a cherry coke, sometimes diet mostly not.  Then at 3:40p a candy bar or a starbucks chai and scone then nothing till about 7P then I would eat the house.  Thats been my schedule for 9 months.  That's a hard routine to break.  But I've been trying, during the breaks I disappear or I drink my "breakfast" in 2 parts.  Half in the house the other half @ first break.  That or I drink alot of water during the breaks.  Then I'll drink my "lunch" a muscle milk or home made soup pureed of course.  For last break I may drink the rest of the soup or just water then my protein shake when I get home.  Thats it but the addition of more food/solid food has been insidious.  I started by just chewing the foods I prepared for my kids then spitting it out.  Eventually I started swallowing and found out I could and nothing happened.  It went downhill from there.

The first time it happened it was because I was so hungry and hadn't eaten anything til 7:30pm then I ate all the beef from a mexican beef soup along with all the potatoes and carrots.  That turned into a binge and wracked the house looking for cake or sweets to down with some milk.  I didn't find any, still thanking God for that one.  I posted about it on OH and how I felt like crap but again just the sound of crickets...nothing.  At this point all I'm using this site for is for the blog.  Whether anyone reads it or not or comments or not doesn't matter.  If anyone finds it useful I'll be  glad.  I have been looking at overeaters anonymous for support.  Haven't been able to go to a meeting yet.

Back to the hectic day, so I didn't eat the tuna, during break I drank my kefir, but then for lunch I chose to eat sushi thinking, I better get this rice in before the fill in case I won't be able to tolerate it after.  Granted I chewed each bite 30+ times and didn't drink anything with it but I ate all 5 pieces of my vegan roll.  I did all right the rest of the day until He was there to pick me up from the train, just thinking he was gonna be there and all the complications he represents I just ordered a ground beef taco and an order of refried beans and ate almost all of it.  Of course we had to run some errands for him because God forbid he be able to do anything alone and so 30 min later I bought a capuccino and 2 oatmeal cookies from 7-11.  I ate the one cookie and most of the drink I was really full.  I haven't eaten anything else tonight nor will I but it really bugged me that I ate so much.  I've also been weighing myself every other day or so and the scale isn't really moving down at all.  No wonder.  The other thing is that I have competencies coming up in class and if I don't pass those tests I cannot go to clinic and so will not be able to graduate as a clinical massage therapist.  The other things is that my therapist bailed on me last week after keeping me waiting for 40 minutes then again this week I had to wait 25 minutes after my appointment time before being able to see her which only left 20 minutes of session time so I cancelled.  I can't go deep fast then back to superficial in that amount of time and be able to function.  Then they have given me more hours at work for which I'm glad because I took 2.5 weeks off after banding with no pay but when I'm not working I'm in school all day so I'm pretty run down because I work 2nd shift then drive the kids to their respective schools starting at 6 am so I'm constantly sleep deprived.

So to wrap it up these are the things I have learned about me so far:

1.  If I don't drink enough water I WILL get hungrier during the day (and tired)
2.  If I eat too much I will get a pain right by my heart  soon afterwhich I believe then travels up to my L clavicle and is very uncomfortable the next day.
3.  I am compelled to eat when I think about or see the man
4.  It is easier to resist temptation if I am fully hydrated
5.  Sleep deprivation is weakens my morale and ability to resist temptations

Thats about it so far.  Thats all the truth I have for today.

 Totally effed up tonight.  I resorted to old behaviors and sure enough that brought on the same consequences.  I'm supposed to be on full liquids only.  I'm 3 weeks post op and per my dr i'm on full liquids till april 6.  Lately I'd been obssessing with food especially meat.  I've been craving it something fierce but cannot even stand to think about pureeing it in a soup or anything else.

Today I was sleep deprived trying to catch up after dropping the girls off to school but then I had an appt at 11a where I had to get up at 10am.  I had a bunch of nightmares this morning so it was not a satisfying sleep.  I overslept and ran out the house and grabbed a bottle of water.  Thats it.  Drank more water at the Dr's then tore out of there to go meet my study group from school.  Drank some tea.  By now I'm hungry but the tea subdued it.  After that I run out to go pick up my little one.  From there I go and do a home visit for work thats out of the way.  By now I'm not even drinking anything.  All I'm thinking about is food, food, food.  Meat in particular.

On my way back from the home visit I go to pick up child #2 and I'm just thinking about food.  Long and short I kept meaning to get something to eat- Wait I did stop by to get some tomato basil soup from a grocery store but it was nasty! ) but eventually on my way home from picking up kid #3 I stop by a mexican restaurant and picked up a beef soup.  I meant to just drink the broth but I gave in and ate ALL the meat (I tried to chew it to death but it was just too fibrous) the potatoes and the carrots.  WTF!?!  

That turned into a binge and the next thing I know is that I've eaten quite alot even with the lap band.  I felt no pain in my chest, runny nose, hiccups or anything else besides the sense of feeling full to indicate I had reached the limit.  Even so, and here is the scary part, I went to the fridge looking for a piece of cake or something sweet to down with some milk.  THANK GOD I didn't have any.  No junk food in the house.

Hindsight is 20/20.  Looking back what I have noticed is that my hunger is not the same as before getting banded.  It's alot easier to stave it off or "trick" it with liquids.  The other is that I will eat alot if I wait so long to eat but that's not news.  Also I realize I was thirsty, definately not hungry, when I went looking for cake.

All these commercials for food on tv, the ads in the newspapers and radio have really gotten to me.  I am still in bondage to food because it's what I mainly think about.  I didn't even care today what all that eating could do to my new pouch, because I did think about it but I still ate 80% of all that soup.  It's been 2 hours and I'm still really full.

I hate the way I feel physically and more than that emotionally.  I want to cry because I feel that I'm going to fail this too.  I'm terrified that I will never be free from this obsession with food and I will die early because I'm so fat, no wait, morbidly obese.  Why do I do this?  Why do I hate myself so much?  I'm already in therapy but it doesn't seem to be helping much.  Oh my God, I can't seem to stop.  I feel like such a failure/loser.

 I'm supposed to get my first fill 4/4/12 and I'm a little scared about getting poked in the belly with a needle.  I'm almost 3 weeks out and the area where the port is is still tender.  I can't imagine getting stuck there.  I have all these crazy fears like what if they poke the tubing and cause a leak and I need another surgery, stuff like that.  

AAAAhhhhhggg.  On the up side I do look forward to finally being able to eat solid point by then.

Comments are appreciated.

Thanks.

 I have just been so hungry these past few days.  It's like I'm obsessed with food again.  Back when they actually gave me a surgery date the week before I was supposed to start my clear liquid diet I ate everything that couldn't run faster than me.  From the moment I woke up to the minute I went to sleep I was thinking about what I was going to eat and when and how much it was crazy.  Of course I gained about 10 pounds but what amazes me was the amount of time given to thinking about food.

Now, here I am again. I'm 16 days post band and just obsessed with food.  I'm supposed to be on full liquids until April 4!  I've already messed up and ate some pureed lentils and some pureed vegetable soup cause I can't stand cream soups and even though the Dr said cream or broccoli or tomato I'm pretty sure he didn't have the ones from Panera or Bakers Square in mind.  (I'm sure they have a million calories)  

I'm just frustrated at being hungry.  I don't drink with my "meals"  and I'm getting enough water in but after about 2 1/2 to 3 hours I'm just so darned hungry!  I suck it up and wait the 4 hours but it's getting harder and harder.  Is this normal?

 I went to my first follow up appointment  after being banded and I weigh 15 lbs less than I did on 2/20/12.  YaY!!!  Now, I'm not gonna lie.  It hasn't been easy.  No, not easy at all.  My protein shakes are on back order and I also got a nasty cold/cough upon arriving home from the hospital so I was feeling all weak and stuff and didn't want to eat but then I'd feel hungry but too tired to make something so I just drank water and tried drinking some cream of chicken which I find gross.

Then when I felt better I could totally eat/drink way more than 2 oz, more like 6-8 oz..  So there were many times when I was truly hungry but just drank water in between.  Except once at a family gathering I was asked to cube some roasted chicken and it smelled so good that I took a bite chewed it, sucked the juice out and then spit it out.  That was hard to do cause I really wanted to swallow it! 

But I'm 15 pounds down!!!!  I haven't had weight loss like that in years and years.  Thank you Lord! 

 I did it.  It happened.  I've been banded.  Does that make me a bandida?  lol.  I like this whole blog idea because it's me expressing myself for myself...for later.  I'm in a funny mood it seems.  Sometimes I think people blog for other people and don't address whats really gnawing at them or believe it or not (it seems to me) they do it to seem cool!?!  Whatever.  This is for me.  If anybody gets anything out of it good for them.

I went in at 8am like a good girl and from the moment of registering it was a game of hurry up and wait.

 I do have to give a shout out to the nurses and techs at Westlake hospital in Melrose Park, IL.  I have crappy veins from a phlebotomy stand.  They are tiny, deep and they roll, moreover they are TINY however the ladies (coincidentally) DID AN AMAZING JOB!!!!!!  getting my iv's in without too much discomfort and getting the required blood draws in the mornings successfully.  This is my giving them their props...Go ladies, it's ya birfday, go ladies!  Woop woop!!!!  Westlake techs and nurses in da HOUSE!!!!  

Ok continuing...

I noticed that whenever I enter any place where I feel vulnerable I cop an "us vs them" mentality.  I become hyperfocused emphasis on the hyper on whether I am treated fairly or being discriminated against and gosh darn it I'll be damed if I don't speak up and set things right or just make a mental note and sulk about it. Then the crazy thinking starts, "It's because I'm morbidly obese...or it's because I have an accent..or It's cause I'm a person of color"  Whats up with that????  It's like I'm never good enough.  Rarely does it ever go through my mind "She's just a shitty person and flinging poo is her thing, it happens"  It always has to be about me it seems.  Anyway.  I tend to get snippy.

I have to say that this is the 3rd time getting knocked out and it's a pretty cool experience.  I mean you are completely lucid, awake, talking to folks in the OR and suddenly you're not.  Key word: suddenly.  Next thing you know somebody just won't shut up and keeps trying to talk to you when all you wanna do is sleep and there you are in the recovery room the only thing is you don't remember too many details cause it's all still kinda fuzzy.  Crap, as I write this I just had a flash back, I'm pretty sure I was croaking, "My love, my love, where are you? Where's my love?  He doesn't speak english."  That's hilarious.

Long and short, banding and incision wise I was doing great but I developed a low grade fever and they thought they saw a spot on my follow up chest x ray so they kept me an extra 2 days.  I got banded on thur and came home sunday at about 10pm.  It's amazing what 48 hours can do in terms of healing.  I'm glad they kept me because otherwise it would have been just me and the girls and as much as they want to they aren't the best care takers.  I'm also glad they didn't have to see me in so much pain and barely able to wipe myself.  Thank God for everything, really.  Nothing bad happens that some good doesn't come for the ride.  You can quote me.  lol

Here I am at home now.  In my bed with my fav fuzzy cover and clean sheets that the kids made up.  I love those clowns.  They try so hard.  #2 is home sick with a nasty cold.  She looks and sounds like warmed death.  #1 got herself up and ready and to school without a single thing from me and #3 my youngest got a ride to and from school from "my love".  She snuck into my bed sometime last night.  I slept so well last night.  I did have some mad crazy gas though that was content with making noise and pressure but not coming up or out.  Almost threw up and peed myself trying to force it out.  I ended up taking 4 gas ex strips which helped with the pressure but not the growling or release of it. 

I can drink more than 2 ounces of water at a time although I havent put it to the test nor do I want to.  I'm not particularly hungry and have been making a conscious effort to get in my protein shakes and 64 oz of water in.  Sore and tender is a good way to describe how the site where they put my port feels today.  It doesn't help that I started menstruating 2 weeks early and all the discomfort that entails.  The pain meds I have are liquid tylenol with codein and it's tastes just nasty plus makes me dizzy so I don't want to take it for these discomforts so I crushed up a tramadol I had from before for pain and feel much better.  It too was very nasty but worth it.

I did have a bout of crying that lasted less that 1 minute.  The one coherent thought was how could I let this get so bad to bring me to this point.  I've strayed so far from God. 

With regards to BM I haven't had a normal bm since I started the clear liquid diet pre surgery. I dropped my last diahrrea like deuce on the 2nd day of clear liquids and nothing since until yesterday. It was...explosive but what a relief. Actually I think I started menstruating and pootin on saturday.  Whatever, it was that yellow orangy stuff that dissolved in the water with bits of mucus.  Fast forward to now and the few times I've gone it's been like brown sand at the bottom of the bowl and the water is slightly cloudy but there is a distinct separation between the two.

I'm tired now.  I'll write more later because I don't want to ever forget where I came from.

 I GOT CLEARANCE!!!!!!   I'm scheduled for my lap band surgery tomorrow morning at 8 am.  My last name is Pena in case anyone wants to stop by.  I'll be at westlake hospital in melrose park, il.  

I'm so happy and scared because now it's for real but by the grace of God everything will work out.

See yous on the other side.

yay!

 I've got drama.  I think I'm bringing that up in my next counseling session.  I always have drama.  Anyway, today is when I have the appointment with my uncooperating pmd for medical clearance surgery WHICH IS TOMORROW!!!!  But only IF, IF she clears me.  I don't have any medical issues other than my hypo thyroid which is pretty controlled.  I pray this goes through.  So wish me luck and I'll let you know what happens.

Laters