Melissa S.

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Well, it is almost a month out...and I still feel a little tired with getting back to work, but life seems to be getting somewhat back to normal....and it is a large sigh of relief! ~ I'm still bummed and a little sick to my stomach thinking about the complications I had, but I'm glad they are behind me and I seem to be progressing well and NORMAL now ~ 

I had some new things happen in the last day and a half that made me stop and think! 

Yesterday, I had a meeting to go to, and on the way in another lady and I who love to harass each other (she is better at it then I am ~ lol) on a serious note stated how pretty I was after someone commented about a necklace I was wearing.  I didn't know what to say....it was like the world stopped and suddenly I heard my head yelling "When the hell was the last time you have EVER heard those words?"  I was speechless, but muttered a thank you with a smile.   I thought about it for quite some time and felt...ok....finally my body is starting to shape back into what my mind has always mentally seen myself as from the inside! ~

Then today....I walked into my closet and decided to be brave and wear a little smaller knit shirt, that wasn't snug, but shadowed my outline.  I felt my lumps were starting to move a little bit enough that some of my other clothes were starting to look baggy....so, I tried to have the guts to wear it yesterday and decided against it, then decided....gotta try it....better now then never, I'm tired of hiding myself....so

I walked into work, took off my jacket, and set it down and started walking to my desk.  My boss was standing up at his desk and stared at me after I set my jacket down, and his eyebrow went up and he blurted out, "My gosh Mel, your getting to be a shadow of yourself!"  I started laughing and sincerely thanked him and sat down.  Of course, I work with mostly men, so they started questioning what he said ~ kind of like "What did you say?" ~ lol,   My boss is truly hysterical, because he is cutely one of those that has no filter between his thoughts and what comes out his mouth at times.  I didn't share with many of my co-workers what I had done as far as surgery, but he knew, and it felt great that he commented, it was no where near harassment or out of line, just a true honest un-edited version of what he thought!  I'm glad I shared with him now about what I was having done....he has been a great support I didn't expect!

Then a little later, another co-worker and I were working over the phone and asked my to a party on Friday night....
so I must be starting to feel good about myself and shining a little brighter....

Then a little later one of my other girlfriend co-workers walked past me and said what I thought was "alright miss baggy pants, its time to get some new ones"  I wasn't really sure what she said, because after I heard the alright miss baggy pants comment I started laughing so hard, I couldn't confirm the rest that was said.  It was said so under her breath it was hysterical!


I'm finding that I'm happier now that my head and body are starting to match, what I feel I am.  I have felt SO out of congruency with myself for the last 7 years, that it feels good to melt away.  I always have felt like the chubby caterpiller in the movie a bugs life....starts out really chubby / rolly polly, then turns into a beautiful butterfly.... I know I've got more to go, but atleast the process has started, I'm reclaiming my health and getting the extra benefit of the weightloss!

Anyway, enough for today, I need to get to bed I'm SO tired with working full time again, that I'm draggin myself through the day....but I think that is a good thing now!

Don't want to start out by writing to scare anyone, or write for drama purposes, just need to share my experience...it is real and I'm not sure what I think yet today.....

I had my surgery on December 9th....and was supposed to be sent out the door the following evening by 7pm according to my surgeon.  I earlier had told him I didn't "feel quite right".  I was still there with my children sitting in the bed until 7:30 pm.  As soon as my kids left, I felt the need to finally have a bm.  I called the nurses "because I didn't feel right" and told them I had to try the bathroom.  I sat down on the toilet and all of a sudden my ears started buzzing, I felt the darkness enclosing and yelled for the nurses to help me, I was in the process of passing out.  They ran to grab my arms, and dropped me quickly back to the bed. ~ Thank God I didn't hit the floor!  They ran around me with rags trying to cool down my drastic sweats.  After the ringing in my ears stopped and I felt semi back to normal, I told them I STILL had to go, but couldn't get up.  I was offered the bed pan.  Something that seemed so concrete and ugly....and above all....you feel the loss of dignity (even though the nurses were wonderful and professional about it!).  So up came the bed pan and I started to go instantly.  I filled one full pan and needed another.  The nurses didn't comment, but something didn't seem right, something didn't feel right....so, one nurse left the room and came back and introduced the charge nurse...by this time I had 2 full bed pans.

In comes the Dr. and was checking in on me (to send me home).  He asked me why I was on the bed pan and not in the bathroom.....I  asked him what the hell he would like me to do considering that I had just about passed out on the floor. ~ He was silent and the nurses updated him on what was happening.   Here was where I learned that I had nothing but jello like blood coming out. He then told me that I had what was called a "G.I. bleed" that should have stopped on its own....and didn't.  What happens is they dissect the bowel down further and when they do, it will normally stop bleeding on its own...well....mine didn't.  He told me what to expect which didn't at the time sound bad.  It would just require monitoring of my vitals very closely and watching my blood count to make sure my hemoglobin didn't drop to low while we wait for the bleeding to stop.  He left the room and I continued on to bed pan number three.  They then informed me they were going to send me to the surgical progressive care unit so I would have closer monitoring.

After hearing that I started to feel my body collapse from the inside out.  I felt a horrible rush of loss of energy, my chest dropping, my brain becoming fuzzy, and then the close of my eyes.  The last thing I remember seeing was my blood pressure dropping to 54 over 36 and I begged the charge nurse to not let me die, I had a four and six year old at home I needed to live for.  I remember hearing one of the nurses gasping when I cried that out, then I heard one of the other nurses ask if she should ride on top of the cart in case I crash. ~ UGH!

From this point going forward I couldn't see, only feel in a "3rd sense of knowing" and hear, not respond by voice other then changing my breathing pattern or moaning....I remember feeling the rush of nurses from the unit I was on slamming up the bed rails, and running.  I was shoved in the elevator with what I felt to be 5 nurses and they informed my I was being sent to the ICU instead.  They shoved me down the hallway where I could feel my hair brushing along my face with the breeze.  They pulled me into the ICU unit and then I felt MORE people present, there were more then a dozen that I could feel flipping around me.  They switched me by backboard to the ICU bed.  I could hear them explaining to me what they were doing with each move they made, even though I was so sick....I didn't care in the least.  I had three of the nurses from my previous unit (recognized their voice) bend down with in inches of my face and very kindly soothed me before they backed away to go back to the other floor. 

I was so deflated and depleted that they couldn't get a vein to insert a desperately needed line.  I heard them trying to figure out where they were going to put it....I lucked out they finally got a good one and rushed a full bag of fluid through one arm line, and then in the other they straight shot 3 units of blood...they were desperate to get it in quickly so they added a blood pressure like cuff on the blood to push it in as fast as they could get it to go....(saw this when I was conscious enough to ask about it).  YUCK! ~ I was mentally awake until 5:30am, This was the point that I felt I was going to make it and could finally rest.

Later that morning I was stable enough that they took me back to the regular unit I had been on and I felt tons better.  I slept most of the next two days with the help of wonderful drugs! Thank God! 

I very slowly started to crawl out of the horrible stage I had been in, but still was sick to my stomach because I was still having the bloody stool...even though that was expected until it had cleared my system.

Every day my husband brought the kids up to snuggle in bed with me and watch a cartoon, it was just enough to keep them satisfied that I would be home as quick as I could!  They NEVER knew how bad it had gotten, and neither did my husband.  I had them call my mom in the middle of the night and my brother and her rushed up there to sit with me. ~ I still think you are NEVER to old to need your mommy  ~ It was nice of her to come so that they didn't disturb my kids sleeping!

I didn't leave the hospital until Saturday afternoon.  I called my mom to come and get me so I didn't have to bobble myself around the kids, I decided I would be better off to brace myself for later walking in the door at home to the many hugs and snuggles.  When I sat down in the car and pulled the door shut I felt something pop.  ~ Yep, something broke loose and I decided come hell or high water I was going home, so off we went!  I made my mom stop at the grocery store for me....I rode the little scooter around the store because it felt so wonderful to be alive....I looked down and realized that I was bleeding all the way through my shirt....BAD.  My mom gave me her scarf and I tied it around my belly and continued to finish getting what I needed at the store and then I stopped at Walgreen's to get my meds too.  :O)

When I got home I was soaked through all layers of clothes.  The poor kids about had a heart attack.  I told them I didn't hurt and that I was just dirty, if they waited just a minuted I'd be back to snuggle with them.  I went to my bed flopped in and grabbed a maxi pad along the way with tape.  I flipped the thing inside out and taped it to my belly  I wandered down stairs and laid in the living room to be with my kids .....  I had had enough and it was time to heal...my way.

I got the bleeding to stop by laying still for two days...probably should have gone in for it....but I felt way done with being ill.

It took me a few days to write this because it was to close to a current memory, and I needed some time to think about what happened and where I now stand.

I'm glad to be home.  While I almost did regret the surgery, now that it is moving further away and I'm watching pound after pound drop off, my blood pressure has stabilized where I'm off the meds and don't need them, my acid reflux is gone as well as the med for that, and to top it off I'm not hungry....I feel glad it is done! 

I'm glad to be alive! ~ and thankful even more then ever for what I have been blessed with.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, I appreciate all of you!

Today is the end of one trail, and the start of another.

I'm scared.  I'm afraid of leaving my kids and husband behind.

and really other then that, nothing else matters......

I'm numb at this point and I think that may be a good thing?

Felt the need to journal again today...its been a while, and I've done a LOT of thinking.

So....I'm now ready to have the surgery, decided this is right for me.  I've grown tired of eveyone around me adding their two cents about how unhealthy this decision is.  But...yet, not one of them have bothered to educate themselves on the topic, or support me in any way.

I have my OH family, and those that I have met hear locally from here...they are my strength, especially Audrey! 


Today for Thanksgiving, my husband took my kids out for dinner....and I sat home, and tried not to cry.  I feel very alone, but find strength in the fact that I'm making this choice to be healthy and happy again within myself.


This liquid diet isn't as horrible as I thought it could be....My mind was ready for it......less then 2 weeks to go.....

Today my oldest baby started first grade! ~ Damn that went fast!

It was exciting to watch him come home and be in love with the teacher he got!   I was a little worried seeing him stressed walking out the door this morning.  Things turned out just fine though!

The last week has been really hard on me, my gradfather is and has been extreamly ill.  Fever of 105.3 and drowning in his own lungs, had to make some risky decisions, but looks like it paid off at this point....he will probably be in the hospital yet for the week...but well worth it! ~
My family members rotated through staying with him over night because he would become confused and tear out tubes.  Note: he is as sharp as a tack in the head, but the ICU did some crazy things to his orentation of reality, which I guess is common with the elderly.  Anyway, I sat with him the night I was there and got to go on a fishing journey.  He was half awake, half sleeping and dreaming of fishing, (HIS FAVORITE THING) so I helped him go along on the most beautiful fishing trip either of us had had.  He was busy pulling on his lines he was attached to hooking and un-hooking fish, discussing them, putting them in the pail, baiting his hook with wax worms from his pocket and even yelled to my husband to come and clean them.  It was awesome listening to him be in the most peaceful serene setting and fishing.  I'll always treasure sitting and listening to him on this trip of ours.

Now, on to the realization of eating....during this time I was supposed to be tracking everything I was eating, and found that there were times I wouldn't eat at all, and the the other side of eating everything becasue I was afraid of my nerves making me ill so I took advantage of shoving in what I could when my body could take it.....

Once this surgey is done, again, I have to make my needs a priority and I can feel already that this is going to be a challenge.

I need to find a good way to deal with my stress!!!!! ~ Kind of feel at a loss for now.  :O(

Today I thought a great deal about the after surgery.  I'm trying hard to make changes that I know that I can live with, and preparing myself for what I know are my personal pitfalls.

My husband and I love to drink on the weekend. 
We sit around and socailize during the winter together, in the summer we visit with the lake people, but I'm ready to give all that up...but it is going to re-route our usual life for quite a while.  I need to find me and adjust first. 
Just in thinking I have people around us at the lake that we socialize with because we are drinking, but while in all reality, I would never choose to do something with them for the fun of it, without the alcohol.  One of the ladies insists on saying that she is "alpha dog" of everyone around her and somehow seems very proud of this....unfortuantly, I see it as a horrible social class difference between us, and where I exist in my world there is no need for this extreme kattyness that she so deperatley needs to show....I guess I'm proud of who I am, how much I care for others and how passionate I am about things I believe in.   ~ Surface crap I just don't have the tollerance for anymore.  People that are self centered and didn't have complete time before, I can't guarantee will come with for my complete journey. 

I'm very scared and hitting an anxiety wall too over the two week before liquid diet.  I'm anxious over not having any food and the hunger that hits between the drinks of protien.  I've been trying the boost that they recomend and all, but I find that it lasts my body EXACTLY 4 hours.....I can hardly wait where you hit the surgery point and eat to live, not live to eat!


Upcoming I have the results of the psych test, the sleep study, the nutrisionist, and the final dr visit....I'm feeling uneasy with the speed that this is progressing, but more frustrated with where I'm at in my body....it feels like the size will never go away. 

I need to make that part of me go away
and match what my head knows I am in body size again. 
I'm to alive to be living in this sicky large gumdrop body....

anyway....enough for tonight~ Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this!

Today I talked to the surgery staff.  I'm actually getting nervous about surgery because I'm so close. 

The whole idea of surgery doesn't bother me any  more...had to many, including 2 c-sections while awake. 

Somehow this one scares me more.  I'm horribly afriad of leaving my husband and kids behind. 

There sweet little faces I can't look at enough lately.  I just have to trust and pray I'm making the right decision for me to continue living forward.  If I continue the path I'm on....it is a risk in itself.  I just wish I had more people to talk to about going through this whole journey.  I don't have much support, and hearing the threads yesterday about people always over talking about their surgery, I don't want to burn out what little I do have!

I'm scared and feel alone. 

Well, today I thought a great deal about yesterdays blog....and I uploaded all the photos that make me happy.
Now today...I loaded the ones that make me very sad.    I only was able to find two that were recent, becauase I have destroyed most of them.  I try really hard to hide in pictures.  If not behind my clothes pushed out, I'm behind someone or something. 
 
Somehow I hope what I know is horribly noticable, goes un noticed.  It makes me sad how much I want to do things with my husband and kids...and all out simply  can't.  I'm tired and angry over where I'm at, and I'm tired of beating myself up. 

Enought for today....Need to write more tomorrow and think of things hopeful....I've had enought of being angry and sad!


 

Today was the psych day.  Met the therapy guy and took the test.  He didn't tell me much I didn't already know.  He scheduled me a month out and wanted to go over the diet plan from the nutritionist and the test results.  Really easy guy to talk to....but, I'm feeling like my head is way beyond the stage of the hoop jumping I'm in for the insurance.  I think I've contenplated myself out on this one before I started the process.  Just feel like I all want them to move out of my way so I can move on with living my life and feeling healthy again.  But...gotta proceed through the hoops for the circus of insurance....Somehow I feel bitter that they can decide what it right for me......???? 
Really...who would jump on the table to be re-arrange your insides for the shear fun of it?!?!?!?! ~ Feel like this is a last resort before I started the process!  Maybe had I started looking at this process earlier I wouldn't feel this way?   ~ oh well....
That is just the inside thoughts for now.

I sat outside tonight after my husband mowed the yard.  Sat with the kids in the wood porch swing.  The smell of the grass, and chatter of my kids, the beautiful clouds and warm evening.  I could have sat there for hours....then my son jumped off the swing ran to get his gator and drove back to pick his sister up, away from the swing they went.  :O)  lol
Cherrishable for as long as it lasted!   They grow up so fast!

Never done a blog before today ~
But thought I would start ~ no time better then the present!
I started reaching out to people today and it has been very surprising to see all the kind hearts out there!  I think I realized I've reverted to a shell for a while and sat in the dark, and in denial.  Seeing all these wonderful posts of others that care and support, may just be enough to pull me through to the other side of the surgery.  There is very little support on the home front, but I'm not also ready to discuss it all openly with other people either....at least....not yet.