Chere S.

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One day left to eat normal food. 

Two days to start my liquid diet.

Three days until I will test myself.  I will be at a conference and cannot eat the lunch they will provide...it will be clear liquids for me.  But it will also be nice to have something to do to take my mind off of not being able to eat.

Four days until I start my bowel prep.  I definitely am not looking forward to that.  But I can do anything...for a day.

Five days and I'll be taking antibiotics, I will finally get to go to church...how nice to be able to go before I have surgery.  And on this day I will get ready for the hospital.

Six days and I will celebrate my new life.  Happy Surgery Day!

Mika - Big Girl You Are Beautiful

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Ooohhh, look at that ticker...16 days, 7 hours left.  Woohoo!!!

I don't know why I am doing this to myself...probably because I saw so many bad things happen when I worked at Baptist.  I have found that this last week I keep going to the message boards like...Complications of WLS, Spouses of WLS patients, etc.  I am starting to get freaked out about some of these things.  When I stick to Dr. L's message board, it seems like things are good, people are successful, people are pleased...then I leave the comfort of my little home.  I find people getting divorced because their marriages couldn't handle the weight loss, I find people who aren't happy they had the surgery, I find people who had serious complications from the surgery, some even life threatening.  Then I start to think back at all the WLS patients I saw die when I worked at Baptist.  It's like one of those stupid morbid fascination things where I can't help but read the posts on these boards, but then it's starting to make me a little nervous and uneasy.  I am 99.999999% sure I will have a successful surgery, a great recovery and do well with my weight losss.  My marriage is pretty stable, we've had our ups and downs, but that's the nature of relationships.  I think we've seen enough down in our past, that I almost feel that if something happened to our marriage because I lost a lot of weight...well, it is what it is.  I really think we'll do fine though.  It's just that nagging little voice in the back of my head that keeps asking, "What if?"  I need to find a way to make that little voice go away.

I am ready for my new life, I just wish the days would pass a little quicker.  I got my confirmation call for my preop appt today...that made things start to seem a little more real and tangible.  In reality 2 weeks is not that far away.  I sure hope I'm ready, both physically and emotionally.  I'm also scared what Dr. L is going to say since I've gained about 15 lbs since this all started (heck, at this point it may even be more, I've been avoiding the scale)  I don't want to be on a liquid diet for the next 2 weeks.

Too many random thoughts running through my head.

My countdown ticker says I have 19 days left...that's less than 20, I'm in the teens now.  Wow!!!!  For some reason it still seems like it's a million days away.  It's hard to think that in less than 3 weeks my life will change forever, especially since I can't really fathom the whole time thing.  Writing this it seems like it's just around the corner, but mentally I keep thinking it's a long ways off.  Maybe after I have my pre-op appt. next week, it will bring it together.

I wanted to take a few minutes to reflect my reasons for having this surgery, so that if I ever question what I am doing, I have a record of why I made this decision.  So here goes:

1.  I have been overweight since I was 5.  I have tried every possible diet available and could never keep the weight off.  I have done Overeater's Anonymous, I have seen an addiction counselor.  I have worked out like a mad dog and still could not seem to lose weight or keep it off if I did lose it.  Despite my best (and sometimes not my best) efforts, I could never keep the weight gone for long.

2.  I have three beautiful children.  Two are normal weight, one is already getting heavy.  I NEED to be the best example for them, and the way I am right now, I am not that example.  I am example for what not to do.  I want them to want to be like me.  I want to run and play with them.  I want to take walks to the park and enjoy it.  I want to ride bikes all over and not get tired.  I want to show them how to eat healthy.  I want them to see what can happen if you make the proper food choices and exercise.  I want to be around to watch them grow up.

3.  I want to stop all the potential health problems that come with obesity BEFORE they are my health problems.  Last year I injured myself working out, that injury has not yet healed 100% and I know it never will until I lose weight.  My glucose level is becoming borderline high.  My blood pressure occasionally shoots up.  I am depressed.  I want all of those things to become a distant memory.  Problems just waiting to happen need to become not even possible because I have chosen to change my lifestyle.

4.  My husband deserves a wife who wants to take the time to take care of him and meet his needs.  I currently have no desire to cook meals, I hate cleaning house (not that I expect that to change, but at least I will have the energy to do it.)  I continually make excuses that I am just too tired after working to do things at home.  That is a copout since I only work 3 days a week.

5.  I don't want people to question my abilities because of my weight.  I don't want to have to worry if what others think of me because I am so large.  I want my self esteem back.  

6.  I want the superficial things, like cute clothes, shopping at regular sized stores, I want compliments, I want to look hot, riding rides with my kids at amusement parks.

To be continued.....

it would be here before I knew it...were kind of right.  The last two weeks just dragged on and on and on, then last Friday I realized I hadn't even told my boss yet that I was having surgery and when.  So I went to HR to get all the paperwork.  That night I had the hardest time sleeping because I kept thinking I wasn't going to get my paperwork in on time.  In my mind I had the date fast forwarded about 3 days.  Well, I finally told her on yesterday, she signed it, no big deal.  I took the FMLA and disability paperwork to Dr. L's office yesterday, too.  I almost didn't turn it in because I was too pissed.  I really have not been pleased with their office, to say the least.  I was appalled to find out that it was going to cost me $50 to have two pieces of paper filled out by them and have his signature put on it.  AGGRAVATING!!!  Not that I deserve any special treatment by any means, but you'd think that being an employee of the same company might afford you some benefit, but no.  But in the end, I gave it to them, gave them my dirtiest, meanest, angriest look, and then called them back with my CC number so they could hurry and process it.  It'll be my luck, that'll take them too long and I won't get anything approved from work.  

Now it's just waiting, again, but now it doesn't seem like there is very much time left.  I do hope the rest of the month goes by as quickly as these first 11 days did.  I'm ready for my new life.  Now to start stocking up on things at home that I might need.  Protein samples, here I come.

It seems like October 15 will never get here.  I know it is only two months away, but right now that seems like a lifetime away.  I saw  my PCP yesterday and I was honest with him and told him that I hadn't been watching my diet, that I feel like this a free for all time since I'll never be able to eat like this again.  Maybe I should've lied.  He gave me "the look" of disapproval and disappointment and the "the lecture".  I like my doctor a lot, so I was upset that he didn't get it.  I don't want to gain any more weight, but I also want to enjoy my fav's since most of them I can never have after I have surgery.  It's this mindset that got me here and I hope that once I have surgery, I quit thinking like this.  The "just one bite, just one taste won't hurt me" thinking.  As much as I don't want that nauseous, dumping feeling, I hope that if I ever try one of those bad foods after surgery, I get so sick so I will never want them again.  

I've been in this horrible funk, too.  I don't like me, I have no motivation.  I guess if I took my meds like I'm supposed to that might help with my mood. I just can't get past thinking about all the things that will be easier and enjoyable after I lose weight.  I have never in my life been this heavy and I hate it  . 

I just want time to pass...quickly.  I'm ready for a new life and a new beginning.

OCTOBER 15, 2007 FIRST CASE OF THE DAY

That's the number the insurance company gave me for the conversation we just had.  Wanna know the conversation?  Jackie told me on 7/3/07 the review board made the decision to allow my surgery from Dr. Lord.

I finally got the email I was waiting for.  I had emailed Ruth to see if she received my paperwork.  She initially didn't have it, so I emailed again a couple of days later and this time she wrote back and not only did she have my paperwork, but she said everything looked good and she had already sent it into insurance for approval.  So now it's the waiting game.  Although, I'm curious and want to know if I'm approved, it doesn't seem like much now after having to wait the last month just to get the paperwork right.  I think I can be patient.  I must admit I have emailed the insurance company to make sure they got it, but they haven't emailed me back yet.  I'm not gonna worry to much about it though.  Que sera sera.