shawna W.
what is wrong with me!!!! (long sorry)
Nov 07, 2012
i tried to quite bad habits before surgery. i quit soda, junk food, sugars etc. what the heck it seems after my last appt on my 6 month diet, i slowly let loose! also been struggling with the calorie thing i think that is where i am having a a hard time so i think im taking it out on food. i been drinking soda (not as often but i so i need to stop!) i been indulging on junk food, i just cant get enough!! i don't know why!!! i mean i hate donuts...what have i eaten 10 of? DONUTS! ugh!! and chips. and fried food. i think this is my head hunger getting the best of me and trying to say goodbye. i am not saying goodbye to food, i am just trying to hang out with a better crowd of food. right now i am hanging with the wrong crowd, the food addict crowd. tomorrow i am getting back on track. i think its because i looked at it as a diet, not a lifestyle. i need to see this is a LIFESTYLE!! and will be for now on. i don't want to be 1 year out or hell even 10 years out and sabotaging what i worked so hard on. i need to be completely honest to my self and to my journal. i vow to get back on track! tomorrow i really will have baked chicken! and no soda just water (flavored)! my husband hates saying no to me when it comes to food but he done it. i am an addict so of course i get around it and convince myself oh no one more of this and that....come on shawna get to freaking together! do you know what you about to do to your body? do you know the risks? do you want to be that 1/3 regain statistic (unless preggo then it doesn't count cause of course your going to gain weight haha) huh do ya. i need some tough love!!! no more sabotaging shawna!!! no matter what don't have a last meal before surgery! (sorry kind of a motivational speech to me at the end sorry if it looks like i am crazy)
i need to get back on track for real. i mean...why do this is i am just going to be rude to myself and hubby and ruin it. then there is no point. i may be having this surgery in a month or two. i need to clean up my act. i just feel so guilty about it. and i know it hurts my husband to see me this way, indulged and then be upset for it and i pushed him to the point where he doesn't even say anything anymore when i eat something bad...i think he just gave up because i convinced myself it just one more. he told me he is worried about the surgery because of this. he was feeling confident in it before but the way he has seen me lately he is losing a little faith in my will power and ablilities....i feel i am not only letting my self down, i am letting him down. i don't blame him. we as humans can only support what we think one is capable of. i have shown i was and now am not. we had a discussion a while back where he said "don't you hate it when people say you cant do something, i thought you were stronger than junk food. and were stubborn enough for it." this made me cry for hours.... at first i thought he was being very mean... but now that i think about it. he is right, i am stronger than junk food and i will prove people wrong and show them i have the will power. and will stand strong in the end. and even when i get pregnant i will stick to healthy foods. i know people get the baby gives cravings, but i wont have French fries "because the baby wants them." i don't want to just be healthy, sexy and alive. i want to be able to count on myself for good choices. it would be selfish to Brandon (hubby) through this, my family and myself through something i would just ruin in the end......waste of their time, money and support. and when i do something else drastic one day...they will probably just shrug it off like yeah...right she is capable of ruining something that rearranged her guts...
anyway sorry long rant and rambling but that is how i roll. i just needed to get this off my chest. i was bugging me. well good night and tomorrow is a new day for me. a healthier and un-sabotaging me. :)
~shawna
