Excited! Can't wait to get the ball rolling!

Jul 19, 2009

Well as of October my insurance was pretty flexible... just needed 5 years of weights and a letter from the doctor. But I have to call tomorrow and see if the coverage is still the same. The insurance lady at the surgeon's office gave me a code to call and ask about.

Tuesday I have my psych eval. I am a little nervous because I have anxiety and depression. And I know it's going to be hard for me not to resort to food for comfort.

I have been overweight my whole life. By whole life I mean since I was literally a toddler.

I have always associated food with comfort. Also since I was fat I never had many friends during my childhood. So food also became my best and only friend.

I got married at 21. I didn't know it at the time but he is a sociopath. He doesn't feel things like other people. Something is not quite right with him. And I didn't realize it until things fell apart. The relationship sucked. And I dealt with my disappointment by turning to my former best friend. Food. I was already big at that time. But I packed on the weight after I got married.

I had an unplanned pregnancy and miscarriage the first month we were married. I was very depressed. He didn't care and wasn't concerned.

I spent most of the first year of marriage crying over ice cream.

I was in the 330's before my wedding in May of 04. By August of 04 I was up to 356. By November of that year we decided that we wanted to have a baby. And when I went to the first OBGYN appointment I weighed 409.

I gained almost 100 pounds the first year of marriage and was extremely and terribly depressed. I had another miscarriage before I got pregnant with my little girl. And I was beyond devestated.

I had pre-eclampisa when I was pregnant with my daughter. I lost weight at first. But the last month I gained a lot of weight due to swelling.  I was 456 when I delivered my daughter.

I had post-partum depression. The baby had nursing issues. She wasn't getting enough milk. She screamed for hours on end. My husband didn't care. Didn't help. He actually slept on the porch for the first week after we came home from the hosptial because his cat allergy was suddenly acting up so bad he couldn't stand to be in our house.. right.

When she was two months old he began having an affair with one his pregnant employees. I didn't know. But I knew.

The drama, lies and pain that followed were unbearable. But my weight bounced around in the 400's. Lows to 400 or so. Highs approaching 460.

The month before I found out my husband was cheating I found out my dad had yet another affair on my mom. With someone a year younger than me. My sister is 2. My daughter is 3. And a couple weeks later we found out my uncle was having an affair on my aunt. And then we found out my husband was having an affair on me.

And I was finishing college. And I had a new baby at home. And I was raising her on my own because her dad had nothing to do with her for the next 6 months of her life. Not even a phone call.

he is now married to the mistress and has 3 children with her... in 3 years. And has her 2 step-kids.

And he pays child support by force of the state by threat of jail. But he now visits at least once a week. And still flirts and acts like we are friends. Blah. Whatever.

I also worked in a maximium security prison for awhile. Which was a living hell.

My binge eating got out of control.

I got to a low point about 3 years ago where I felt sucidial. I didn't know how  I was going to continue living this way. I never actually made plans to kill myself. But I knew how I was feeling was not right. And that I needed help.

I checked myself into the hospial. They said I wasn't threatening sucide so they weren't going to admit me. But after I demanded something was wrong with me and that I needed treatment they admitted me.

After running tests they found out that I have pernicious anemia where the enzymes in my stomach can't abosorb vitamin B12 which had a lot to do with how I was feeling. I also found out that I am folic acid deficient. And all of this was leading to how I was feeling. And to my depression. And probably had something to do with my miscarriages since folic acid and B12 are pretty important in pregnancy.

Long story short I started having to get weekly B12 injections and taking folic acid supplements.

Made me feel a lot better.

I also quit the job from hell. And found one I really loved in a business setting.

I finished college. And got my degree.

Went to counseling some. Read some books. And really worked at understanding the issues that caused me to overeat.

I eventually greatly reduced or completely stopped the binge eating altogether.

I started exercising at the YMCA very regularly. I started couting calories and trying to use the Biggest Loser program.

I lost a good amount of weight for me... 25 pounds.

I was eating 2300 calories a day and buring 500 or more.

And I still wasn't seeing results fast enough. 25 pounds is great. But it's not a lot when you have 300 pounds to lose.

And I was on a pretty strict program. counting fiber, protein, etc.

I got a promotion at work! My schedule changed.

I started working a lot more hours.

And I stopped making it to the gym. This happened in May, and I've been trying to get back on track since.

But I've realized that, yes, this is going to take work. It's going to take a lot of work.

And I need to do it.

I HAVE to do it.

I have to lose weight for my health.

I have to lose weight for my sanity.

I continue to accept crappy relationships and mistreatment from men because I feel that's all I can get at my size. I know logically I need to stop that. But it's something that happens without me thinking about it.

I continue to feel like a failure and my self esteem sucks. Not because I am fat. but because I can't control my weight.

I now have arthritis in my knees.

I have trouble getting up and down and moving around.

And I am 26!

I can do much more at my weight than most people at this weight can ever dream. I can do 30 minutes of cardio at the gym.

I am generally energetic and stuff.

But it wears me out.

It's hard on me.

hard on my daughter.

I can't keep up with her.

I am out of breath.

And I am going to die.

If I don't do something to get this weight off.

And I know that I can lose weight on my own. A little weight. But it's not enough to get me where I need to be. I don't have the patience of the time quite frankly to lose 300 pounds one week at a time.

So that's why I am pursuing surgery.

I know what it takes to lose weight. I know that I will have to work hard. restrict calories and exercise.

And continue to deal with pain from my past.

But I cannot lose 300 pounds on my own with no intervention. With no help.

I need help to do that. 300 pounds at 1 pound a week... which is what you can expect to lose with traditional weight loss would take me years and years. And I dont' think I have the willpower or self-control or motvation to simply work as hard as I would have to work for as long as I would have to work to get allt he weight off.

That's why I am purusing surgery.

I need help.

I need a tool.

Because on my own, yes, I can lose weight. 25-50 pounds. Which I usually put back on.

But even if ididn't that small amount of weight is not enough to keep me healthy. To change my life. To keep me from dying an early death. I need to lose 250-300 pounds. And the statistics and logic tell me this is the best way to accomplish that goal.

So I am purusing this.

I looked into it in October. But after recsonsidering I tried to do it on my own again. And like I said I worked very hard for al ogn time and lost a minimal amount of weight. But it helped me to realize that I definitely am going to need assistance through surgery to give me the tools to do this.

Now. I am just hoping and praying that I can get approved. And get the money together for my copay portion once and if I am approved!

I need all the prayers and positive thoughts I can get!

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