I Have My Date!

Sep 04, 2009

So, a couple of weeks ago  I received the approval letter from my insurance company. On my first try! I was ecstatic. Finally, it was going to happen! I stayed focused - drank my water, took my pills, ate slowly, chewed thoroughly, stayed on track. After all, my surgeon wants me to lose between 15 and 30 pounds before surgery.

Then my surgeon sent me my patient packet with my date. November 10th. Two days before my birthday, only 67 more days. I expected elation, joy, anxious anticipation. 

I totally did not expect depression.

I think it has finally became a reality to me. All of a sudden, I'm ambivalent about this whole thing, having strong feelings both ways. I want the surgery more than anything, but I'm also grieving what I'm giving up.

~ No food-centered birthday celebration for me.
~ I'll miss Thanksgiving dinner, with all my favorite comforting holiday foods, recipes I grew up with.
~ No more pizza or ice cream - my two favorite comfort foods.
~ I'll miss Christmas breakfast, which is a tradition in our family. What am I going to do when everyone else is eating? Play Cribbage with the dog?

I've known for a long time that I relied on food for emotional support. I just never realized before HOW MUCH.

Alarmingly, since receiving my date, I've been eating like a fiend! And all the wrong things, too. Like I'm sabatoging myself or something.

So I'm telling myself: I'll have a much better life after this. I'll be healthier, able to enjoy life more, able to ENGAGE more. But then in the back of my mind I hear the voices telling me how much I'll have to sacrifice, warning me about the possible complications - strictures, scramping, dumping, vomiting (which I LOATHE).

Now that it's a reality, I'm scared.

I'm blessed to have a really good support group: my husband, my extended family, my church, my Bible study/accountability group. And, of course, God. "I can do all things though Christ who gives me strength." I'll be fine, I know. I'm going into this EXPECTING SUCCESS. I REFUSE TO ACCEPT FAILURE. I'm going to land on my feet because I know this is God's will for me; and if I can just get through this valley, I'm sure the mountains on the other side will be beautiful.

0 Comments