Starr D.
7/22/2005
Jul 21, 2005
Oh my Goodness!! I am now TEN, count 'em TEN days from surgery!! I can't believe it and I know it will go very fast from here on out because I am not ready!! After today, my countdown will be in the SINGLE DIGITS. Unbelievable!! WaHoo!! Can you hear me world??? I said WA HOO!!!!!
I have so many emotions about the surgery itself, but I have been preoccupied this past week by the work issues that have erupted in the recent past. I don't call it the Evil Empire for nothin'!! They are raking me over the coals for no good reason and I, knowing it is a rather moot point overall, have decided to question the all-powerful authority. Ohio, being an at-will work state, means they can construe whatever they wish against me and let me go, regardless of fault or no-fault, but I am up to the challenge. Somehow, in my weakest physical moments, I feel like taking on the Corporate Beast on principle knowing that it doesn't begin to be a fair fight. I am a lowly slug compared to their resources and power over me, but I am a slug who will crawl out of the dark and be counted, so help me God. Here is my post to the board today with an update of the situation:
It Ain't Over Yet...
The work thing, that is.
Hello everyone, and warmest wishes to you all as you strive to get approval for surgery, or wait to have it or are struggling to recover from it. I check in everyday for the news of our special family here. And now the update. Last Friday I told y'all about being called into work from vacation and raked over the coals in an ambush-style HR meeting for taking vacation when my dad had open-heart surgery. Truly, the strong-armed tactics of the evil empire made me think I was being fired and I was not one bit happy about the whole mess.
I was told I had to followup with Mr. Benefits to straighten out my time off and my upcoming surgery leave and so I had a meeting with him on Wednesday. He presented me with a general handout of the Family Medical Leave Act and then a "discussion checklist" on company letterhead that expressed what may or may not happen as a result of FMLA. I was also told that all my vacation had been confiscated and would be used toward any new surgery time off AND that I needed to obtain a letter of Medical Certification from my dad's cardiologist/surgeon to justify my 3 days off on that occasion, for which they were charging me BOTH vacation and FMLA time, even though I hadn't requested the FMLA. Additionally, I had to sign the checklist after it was reviewed so that I understood the items listed on it, including the fact that they only owe me an "equivalent" job position when I return from surgery.
Alrighty then.
I acknowledged the company's right to control major blocks of time off and to protect the job that needs to be accomplished, but I did have just a few questions...
One, I've had surgery in the past and none of this was ever an issue, so may I please see the company policy on these things and know when it went into effect? Two, if this is now company policy, does it apply to everyone or just to those that trigger some sort of investigation? Three, if I come back from surgery with no vacation and no sick leave and over 3 months of the year left to work, what are my options if I get sick? Four, I understand having to provide some sort of proof in the case of Bereavement Leave because in that instance the company is GIVING you something - time off with pay - but since I am being double-charged already for the time off for my dad's surgery, isn't it a bit of overkill to ask his surgeon's office to fill out a two page form for me? Especially since they don't know me and I was just one of the family members in the surgical waiting room while my dad was operated on? Is that anything like a note from my mother or a high school hall pass? I thought I was a professional working for this company, not somebody's flunky who can't be trusted with 3 days of vacation. Mr Benefits "could not address" any of these things and would have to get back to me. Hmmmm...
And so today, we had round two. Mr Benefits clarified that I will be charged with FMLA time for the gall bladder surgery in March and the 3 days off for my dad. I will also be charged with 3 days of vacation for my dad since those run concurrently. However, he made a mistake about my remaining vacation and that has been reinstated since Sickness and Accident Disability covers the upcoming surgery time off. The upcoming surgery will accumulate FMLA time, however. But at least I have a bit of vacation time left to get through the rest of the year. That did seem suspiciously like I had been thrown a bone in hopes that I would now go away.
BUT. Mr Benefits did not answer my questions about company policy and consistency. He was told to refer me back to Mr HR for that. I said that is quite fine because I do have a few more little questions. I just happened to print out the FMLA laws from the Department of Labor website and there are a few issues that are still not settled. For instance, FMLA time cannot be counted retroactively unless written guidance was given at the time of the original leave (that wasn't done). And employers need to be very careful of enforcing FMLA time when it wasn't requested nor written guidance given within a certain time frame (again, not done.) AND, FMLA policies must, by law, be included in the employee handbooks if there is one (there is and it's not) AND the FMLA poster must be prominently displayed in all areas where employees or potential employees may be located (it's not). There is a $100 fine for each instance where this poster is missing. I was happy to provide a color copy of what that poster looks like as well as the information that neither me or any of my workmates have ever seen it before.
Mr. Benefits asked for permission to copy my documents since he "could not address" these issues and said that I will no doubt have to follow up with Mr. HR. I said to please, by all means, do so - and make note of which sections of the law these are because I do not pretend to be an expert of any sort and just wish to have clarification. I like my job, I don't want to lose my job, and just want to be VERY clear on the expectations and obligations of both sides of this issue. PLEASE let me know if anything further is needed from me because I do wish to comply and I will wait to hear the answers to my questions. Naturally I am just protecting my FMLA time in case I have complications and need to use a lot of it in the upcoming surgery. And naturally, I want the company to be protected as well.
Mr Benefits then vigorously shook my hand and wished me well. I told him that I just LOVE Friday evenings - it's my favorite time of the week - and I hope he has a great weekend, too. Mr Benefits is actually a very nice man, but the cordiality was thick enough to gag on!
To back up just a bit, I did explain that I wished I could accept what they are offering at this point, but they are making it hard for me to do. They ambushed me, questioned my character and berated me when I had done nothing wrong. They started a fight that has horrified both me and other employees who want to know the details so they can fabricate their way through yet more corporate roadblocks. Now we need to know what the company policy is and what employee obligations are. I didn't start this pissing match, but I will see it through if I have to. I also approach my job with this same tenacity and do damn good work, so I do not expect anything less of myself whenever my integrity is questioned. Let's just get it settled, ok??
Ahhh. A very long post, but it is not just about my job. It about us as morbidly obese individuals who are supposed to roll over and give in when someone intimidates us. Nope, nope, nope, I can't do it anymore. The rest of my life is dedicated to being the honest, hard-working, deserving-of-being-well-paid individual that I am. If I lose this battle with my present employer, it will be their loss. I might suffer from it financially. But I will have my self respect and I will carry on one way or another, and after this surgery I am going to look damn good doing it.
What d'ya think of that!
Starr
And so I have chosen my battle. I have always been concerned with "justice" and the lack thereof. It may not make a whole lot of difference in the big scheme of things, but it means a lot to me on a personal level. The DS surgery is, for me, just the start of taking back a life of principle and dignity. I hope that I can carve out a life for myself that reflects how I feel about my place in the world. I want to leave a legacy for my children and grandchildren that can be respected. I don't want to "sell out" to THE MAN just to be comfortable or convenienced in any way. Suffice it to say that old hippies never die. I was always a wanna-be hippie, but I still embrace the ideals of brotherhood and equality and acceptance for all, and the responsibility to do whatever you can for those less fortunate than you. Time to put my money where my mouth is and I have no problem with that. Rock on, brothers and sisters!
I have so many emotions about the surgery itself, but I have been preoccupied this past week by the work issues that have erupted in the recent past. I don't call it the Evil Empire for nothin'!! They are raking me over the coals for no good reason and I, knowing it is a rather moot point overall, have decided to question the all-powerful authority. Ohio, being an at-will work state, means they can construe whatever they wish against me and let me go, regardless of fault or no-fault, but I am up to the challenge. Somehow, in my weakest physical moments, I feel like taking on the Corporate Beast on principle knowing that it doesn't begin to be a fair fight. I am a lowly slug compared to their resources and power over me, but I am a slug who will crawl out of the dark and be counted, so help me God. Here is my post to the board today with an update of the situation:
It Ain't Over Yet...
The work thing, that is.
Hello everyone, and warmest wishes to you all as you strive to get approval for surgery, or wait to have it or are struggling to recover from it. I check in everyday for the news of our special family here. And now the update. Last Friday I told y'all about being called into work from vacation and raked over the coals in an ambush-style HR meeting for taking vacation when my dad had open-heart surgery. Truly, the strong-armed tactics of the evil empire made me think I was being fired and I was not one bit happy about the whole mess.
I was told I had to followup with Mr. Benefits to straighten out my time off and my upcoming surgery leave and so I had a meeting with him on Wednesday. He presented me with a general handout of the Family Medical Leave Act and then a "discussion checklist" on company letterhead that expressed what may or may not happen as a result of FMLA. I was also told that all my vacation had been confiscated and would be used toward any new surgery time off AND that I needed to obtain a letter of Medical Certification from my dad's cardiologist/surgeon to justify my 3 days off on that occasion, for which they were charging me BOTH vacation and FMLA time, even though I hadn't requested the FMLA. Additionally, I had to sign the checklist after it was reviewed so that I understood the items listed on it, including the fact that they only owe me an "equivalent" job position when I return from surgery.
Alrighty then.
I acknowledged the company's right to control major blocks of time off and to protect the job that needs to be accomplished, but I did have just a few questions...
One, I've had surgery in the past and none of this was ever an issue, so may I please see the company policy on these things and know when it went into effect? Two, if this is now company policy, does it apply to everyone or just to those that trigger some sort of investigation? Three, if I come back from surgery with no vacation and no sick leave and over 3 months of the year left to work, what are my options if I get sick? Four, I understand having to provide some sort of proof in the case of Bereavement Leave because in that instance the company is GIVING you something - time off with pay - but since I am being double-charged already for the time off for my dad's surgery, isn't it a bit of overkill to ask his surgeon's office to fill out a two page form for me? Especially since they don't know me and I was just one of the family members in the surgical waiting room while my dad was operated on? Is that anything like a note from my mother or a high school hall pass? I thought I was a professional working for this company, not somebody's flunky who can't be trusted with 3 days of vacation. Mr Benefits "could not address" any of these things and would have to get back to me. Hmmmm...
And so today, we had round two. Mr Benefits clarified that I will be charged with FMLA time for the gall bladder surgery in March and the 3 days off for my dad. I will also be charged with 3 days of vacation for my dad since those run concurrently. However, he made a mistake about my remaining vacation and that has been reinstated since Sickness and Accident Disability covers the upcoming surgery time off. The upcoming surgery will accumulate FMLA time, however. But at least I have a bit of vacation time left to get through the rest of the year. That did seem suspiciously like I had been thrown a bone in hopes that I would now go away.
BUT. Mr Benefits did not answer my questions about company policy and consistency. He was told to refer me back to Mr HR for that. I said that is quite fine because I do have a few more little questions. I just happened to print out the FMLA laws from the Department of Labor website and there are a few issues that are still not settled. For instance, FMLA time cannot be counted retroactively unless written guidance was given at the time of the original leave (that wasn't done). And employers need to be very careful of enforcing FMLA time when it wasn't requested nor written guidance given within a certain time frame (again, not done.) AND, FMLA policies must, by law, be included in the employee handbooks if there is one (there is and it's not) AND the FMLA poster must be prominently displayed in all areas where employees or potential employees may be located (it's not). There is a $100 fine for each instance where this poster is missing. I was happy to provide a color copy of what that poster looks like as well as the information that neither me or any of my workmates have ever seen it before.
Mr. Benefits asked for permission to copy my documents since he "could not address" these issues and said that I will no doubt have to follow up with Mr. HR. I said to please, by all means, do so - and make note of which sections of the law these are because I do not pretend to be an expert of any sort and just wish to have clarification. I like my job, I don't want to lose my job, and just want to be VERY clear on the expectations and obligations of both sides of this issue. PLEASE let me know if anything further is needed from me because I do wish to comply and I will wait to hear the answers to my questions. Naturally I am just protecting my FMLA time in case I have complications and need to use a lot of it in the upcoming surgery. And naturally, I want the company to be protected as well.
Mr Benefits then vigorously shook my hand and wished me well. I told him that I just LOVE Friday evenings - it's my favorite time of the week - and I hope he has a great weekend, too. Mr Benefits is actually a very nice man, but the cordiality was thick enough to gag on!
To back up just a bit, I did explain that I wished I could accept what they are offering at this point, but they are making it hard for me to do. They ambushed me, questioned my character and berated me when I had done nothing wrong. They started a fight that has horrified both me and other employees who want to know the details so they can fabricate their way through yet more corporate roadblocks. Now we need to know what the company policy is and what employee obligations are. I didn't start this pissing match, but I will see it through if I have to. I also approach my job with this same tenacity and do damn good work, so I do not expect anything less of myself whenever my integrity is questioned. Let's just get it settled, ok??
Ahhh. A very long post, but it is not just about my job. It about us as morbidly obese individuals who are supposed to roll over and give in when someone intimidates us. Nope, nope, nope, I can't do it anymore. The rest of my life is dedicated to being the honest, hard-working, deserving-of-being-well-paid individual that I am. If I lose this battle with my present employer, it will be their loss. I might suffer from it financially. But I will have my self respect and I will carry on one way or another, and after this surgery I am going to look damn good doing it.
What d'ya think of that!
Starr
And so I have chosen my battle. I have always been concerned with "justice" and the lack thereof. It may not make a whole lot of difference in the big scheme of things, but it means a lot to me on a personal level. The DS surgery is, for me, just the start of taking back a life of principle and dignity. I hope that I can carve out a life for myself that reflects how I feel about my place in the world. I want to leave a legacy for my children and grandchildren that can be respected. I don't want to "sell out" to THE MAN just to be comfortable or convenienced in any way. Suffice it to say that old hippies never die. I was always a wanna-be hippie, but I still embrace the ideals of brotherhood and equality and acceptance for all, and the responsibility to do whatever you can for those less fortunate than you. Time to put my money where my mouth is and I have no problem with that. Rock on, brothers and sisters!
7/17/2005
Jul 16, 2005
15 days now!! Here are 15 Wagging Tails of Happiness!
7/15/2005
Jul 14, 2005
Wow, am I behind on updating! My little getaway to my sister's house turned into a much longer trip and the time has flown by. Can you believe that my surgery is now in 17 days?? Unbelievable.
The day before I was going to come home from my sister’s house, we got a call that my dad had driven himself to the hospital with chest pains. He and his wife had been going to meet us for lunch the next day to see the decorating results, but instead we began our treks to see him in the hospital. Dad ended up having a quadruple bypass and I stayed another week at my sister's to be nearby. He is doing better now and will be back home any day. (this photo is from 2001 - the last time I had my weight "down")
I finally got myself back home the middle of this week and had to go to Kettering Hospital for my pre-op testing all day on Thursday. I was already tired but the day went fast since the Hospital was so organized. Xrays, barium, EKG and lots and lots of blood was taken. Then there was a class with a mannekin made up with all the surgical accessories, an hour with a dietician and a tour of the bariatric ward. I could barely stay awake driving home and went straight into the house and took a nap.
When I got up, I had a message from work to call in about coming back to work on Friday. I had planned to just run my vacation through the end of the week, but for some reason, the boss wanted me to come in. She was very vague about why and I smelled a rat. The atmosphere being what it is there, anything could happen and I have been feeling like they want me put out to pasture. I thought maybe I was being called in to be fired.
This morning I went in to work and my team mate was shocked to see me. I told him I had been summoned and that it didn't add up. He didn't quite believe me. Then we saw the HR guy going into the boss's office. "That's about me" I said. He still didn't think so. But the boss came by in a few minutes and asked me to meet with her, her boss and HR at 2:30pm. My team mate and I exchanged glances. "Told ya," I said.
I stood there less than a minute and decided that 2:30 wasn't very convenient after all. I walked on down to the boss's office and knocked. "I don't know what is going on here," I said, "but if you are planning on letting me go, I'd just as soon you do it now because I'm tired." She looked startled. I continued, "I've had a long week and spent a lot of time at different hospitals and I can't see working all day if I am going to be fired." She assured me that I wasn't being fired but that we could go ahead and have the meeting if I wanted. I said I would prefer to get it over with.
It turned out that they were unhappy with me for taking vacation when I was going to be having surgery soon. They thought it was inappropriate since we are so short-staffed and I was looking at even more time off. Well, I was prepared for that. For some reason I had grabbed my vacation calendars from 04 and 05 and brought them with me to the meeting. My vacation days were marked in yellow and I could show that I have not taken even one full week off at once in the last two years. I pointed out that I had been very careful with my vacation in light of my couple times off for illness and had taken all my vacation just a few days at a time. Taking off 4 days after the fourth of July was the longest stretch I had taken at once in two years. Furthermore, I did that because my team mate had taken off almost half the month of June, leaving me to cover everything alone, and I needed a break.
I also mentioned that I could have had my surgery by now, but my supervisor had mandated that I had to schedule it around my team mate's vacation in late July. My surgery, which was approved as medically necessary by the insurance company, had to wait on someone else's golf vacation. I told Mr HR, while making full eye contact, that I have instructed my family that if I have a stroke or a heart attack while waiting this extra time, they should hold the company liable and file suit for damages. He didn't look away and neither did I, and I saw the acknowledgement of a point well taken in his eyes.
I then reviewed some other valid criticisms I have about the workplace and discriminatory comments that have been made to me and they all seemed rather surprised. They said that I should have made my complaints known higher up and I replied that I am not one to go up the ladder complaining. I am a team player, I like my team mate and I try to do whatever is requested of me. That has included scheduling my surgery to the company's satisfaction AND coming in to work today knowing I would be railroaded into an HR meeting. My compliance is now a given.
They can still decide to let me go at any time and with no reason because that is the law in Ohio. But I believe that I made them aware that I have followed all the rules while carefully documenting discrimination and I will not go quietly off into the sunset just because they tell me to. Overall, I felt that the meeting went rather well and I left the room with more respect on my side than I entered with. Somehow I even got through the whole day and can now enjoy the weekend off. I plan to sleep tomorrow morning as long as I feel like it.
The day before I was going to come home from my sister’s house, we got a call that my dad had driven himself to the hospital with chest pains. He and his wife had been going to meet us for lunch the next day to see the decorating results, but instead we began our treks to see him in the hospital. Dad ended up having a quadruple bypass and I stayed another week at my sister's to be nearby. He is doing better now and will be back home any day. (this photo is from 2001 - the last time I had my weight "down")
I finally got myself back home the middle of this week and had to go to Kettering Hospital for my pre-op testing all day on Thursday. I was already tired but the day went fast since the Hospital was so organized. Xrays, barium, EKG and lots and lots of blood was taken. Then there was a class with a mannekin made up with all the surgical accessories, an hour with a dietician and a tour of the bariatric ward. I could barely stay awake driving home and went straight into the house and took a nap.
When I got up, I had a message from work to call in about coming back to work on Friday. I had planned to just run my vacation through the end of the week, but for some reason, the boss wanted me to come in. She was very vague about why and I smelled a rat. The atmosphere being what it is there, anything could happen and I have been feeling like they want me put out to pasture. I thought maybe I was being called in to be fired.
This morning I went in to work and my team mate was shocked to see me. I told him I had been summoned and that it didn't add up. He didn't quite believe me. Then we saw the HR guy going into the boss's office. "That's about me" I said. He still didn't think so. But the boss came by in a few minutes and asked me to meet with her, her boss and HR at 2:30pm. My team mate and I exchanged glances. "Told ya," I said.
I stood there less than a minute and decided that 2:30 wasn't very convenient after all. I walked on down to the boss's office and knocked. "I don't know what is going on here," I said, "but if you are planning on letting me go, I'd just as soon you do it now because I'm tired." She looked startled. I continued, "I've had a long week and spent a lot of time at different hospitals and I can't see working all day if I am going to be fired." She assured me that I wasn't being fired but that we could go ahead and have the meeting if I wanted. I said I would prefer to get it over with.
It turned out that they were unhappy with me for taking vacation when I was going to be having surgery soon. They thought it was inappropriate since we are so short-staffed and I was looking at even more time off. Well, I was prepared for that. For some reason I had grabbed my vacation calendars from 04 and 05 and brought them with me to the meeting. My vacation days were marked in yellow and I could show that I have not taken even one full week off at once in the last two years. I pointed out that I had been very careful with my vacation in light of my couple times off for illness and had taken all my vacation just a few days at a time. Taking off 4 days after the fourth of July was the longest stretch I had taken at once in two years. Furthermore, I did that because my team mate had taken off almost half the month of June, leaving me to cover everything alone, and I needed a break.
I also mentioned that I could have had my surgery by now, but my supervisor had mandated that I had to schedule it around my team mate's vacation in late July. My surgery, which was approved as medically necessary by the insurance company, had to wait on someone else's golf vacation. I told Mr HR, while making full eye contact, that I have instructed my family that if I have a stroke or a heart attack while waiting this extra time, they should hold the company liable and file suit for damages. He didn't look away and neither did I, and I saw the acknowledgement of a point well taken in his eyes.
I then reviewed some other valid criticisms I have about the workplace and discriminatory comments that have been made to me and they all seemed rather surprised. They said that I should have made my complaints known higher up and I replied that I am not one to go up the ladder complaining. I am a team player, I like my team mate and I try to do whatever is requested of me. That has included scheduling my surgery to the company's satisfaction AND coming in to work today knowing I would be railroaded into an HR meeting. My compliance is now a given.
They can still decide to let me go at any time and with no reason because that is the law in Ohio. But I believe that I made them aware that I have followed all the rules while carefully documenting discrimination and I will not go quietly off into the sunset just because they tell me to. Overall, I felt that the meeting went rather well and I left the room with more respect on my side than I entered with. Somehow I even got through the whole day and can now enjoy the weekend off. I plan to sleep tomorrow morning as long as I feel like it.
7/2/2005
Jul 01, 2005
July already!! Suddenly, time is going fast for me and my surgery date will be upon me! 30 days from today!! Finally, I'm in the pink!! And here is a pink hydrangea bloom from my yard. Very pretty thing among the mess out there. And I do mean mess! As if things weren't bad enough, this is what happened the other night:
We had a whopper of a storm on Thursday night and the lightning and thunder were awesome. I rather enjoyed it and patted myself on the back for not being afraid of storms anymore. I mean, it wasn't like a tree was gonna fall on my house or anything...
Friday morning I opened the garage to go to work and it was DARK in there! What? I looked closer and smushed up against the garage window were masses of green leaves! I went round back to look. There lay the old mulberry tree, across the full length of the yard! Half of it fell forward and half went backward where it currently rests on the cable and phone lines. Man oh man! I made several phone calls - Electric company determined no power lines were involved, so they have no interest. Cable said they don't do anything about trees. Phone company said the lines are holding, so call back when the tree is cleaned up and they'll tighten up the lines. Insurance didn't call back, so they're a no show until next week - at which time I will be out of town!
So I went next door and made the neighborman come over - his phone line is the one under the tree. I told him he's in charge while I'm gone and I'll deal with it when I get back. If he loses phone or cable, just do whatever has to be done. And they can come in and out of my yard as needed - my dog is no longer here. And isn't that a blessing in disguise? What if she had been back there when it fell? She was totally deaf and never would have heard it falling! Thank goodness for how some things work out.
And so I am off to spend a few days with my sister. We always have a good time and end up laughing a lot, so that will do me good and the time will fly. She likes to cook and entertain, so while I do some sewing and artwork for her, she'll be taking good care of me. She's also very supportive of the weight loss surgery and plans to come down and stay with me for a bit after the surgery. Things are coming together.
Meanwhile, it is a holiday weekend and I hear lots of firecrackers going off outside. I've never been brave enough to buy any to play with, but they're always plentiful through the neighborhood. I do enjoy a good fireworks show, though and look forward to going again when I can fit in a lawnchair.
We had a whopper of a storm on Thursday night and the lightning and thunder were awesome. I rather enjoyed it and patted myself on the back for not being afraid of storms anymore. I mean, it wasn't like a tree was gonna fall on my house or anything...Friday morning I opened the garage to go to work and it was DARK in there! What? I looked closer and smushed up against the garage window were masses of green leaves! I went round back to look. There lay the old mulberry tree, across the full length of the yard! Half of it fell forward and half went backward where it currently rests on the cable and phone lines. Man oh man! I made several phone calls - Electric company determined no power lines were involved, so they have no interest. Cable said they don't do anything about trees. Phone company said the lines are holding, so call back when the tree is cleaned up and they'll tighten up the lines. Insurance didn't call back, so they're a no show until next week - at which time I will be out of town!
So I went next door and made the neighborman come over - his phone line is the one under the tree. I told him he's in charge while I'm gone and I'll deal with it when I get back. If he loses phone or cable, just do whatever has to be done. And they can come in and out of my yard as needed - my dog is no longer here. And isn't that a blessing in disguise? What if she had been back there when it fell? She was totally deaf and never would have heard it falling! Thank goodness for how some things work out.
And so I am off to spend a few days with my sister. We always have a good time and end up laughing a lot, so that will do me good and the time will fly. She likes to cook and entertain, so while I do some sewing and artwork for her, she'll be taking good care of me. She's also very supportive of the weight loss surgery and plans to come down and stay with me for a bit after the surgery. Things are coming together.
Meanwhile, it is a holiday weekend and I hear lots of firecrackers going off outside. I've never been brave enough to buy any to play with, but they're always plentiful through the neighborhood. I do enjoy a good fireworks show, though and look forward to going again when I can fit in a lawnchair.
SISTERHOOD, LOTS O'LAUGHS AND ALL THE GORY DETAILS
Jun 26, 2005
One thing the internet has definitely accomplished is the gathering of like groups of people. The group I participate in here is about WLS in general and the DS in particular and I have met and talked to people from all over the country. What a fabulous resource when you set out to do something unfamiliar! It reminds me of the tales of the little people who "found" each other when the call went out for munchkins for the filming of the Wizard of Oz by MGM. Many of those little people didn't know there were others like them until they met each other on the movie set! Lots of them found marriage mates and made friends for life. What a relief it must have been for them to find each other and have like ones to talk to!That is exactly how it is here on the forums. If I were having this surgery experience alone, I would probably meet some others through my surgeon's office and possibly make friends in a local support group that way, but it would take much more effort on my part. With this group, I just pull up a chair to my computer, any time of day or night, and I'm plugged in. And oh, the things you learn!!
Naturally, everyone who contemplates surgery is apprehensive about it. This surgery makes for some major digestive rearrangement and when you read the published statistics you wonder just exactly what are the intimate details. It's rather like reading that pamphlet that comes with your new prescription - if you make it through the whole thing you wonder if you might die or turn green if you take the little pills. Will it be worth it? Will it work? What are the odds you will get some nasty side effect?
Well, this forum is the place to come for answers and camraderie. You start posting and telling your story and listening to others doing the same and you get this wonderful feeling of understanding and acceptance. It's like a chick flick every day! There are some men posters, but they've recently gotten their own forum and I like that because their focus is quite different. They are more casual and matter of fact and don't worry about the same things. They think a lot of us girls are too emotional and overwrought and dependant on all the touchy-feely support. We are. That's the beauty of it!
I can come to this forum in any mood I like and say what is on my mind. It doesn't get much better than that for a girl. I can be in a foul temper, I can leave my reason at the door and just cry or I can have a belly laugh over someone else's misadventure - and there are plenty of those!
Everything gets discussed: the misery of being morbidly obese in our society, the things we can't do as a result, our fear of having the surgery and trying to grasp onto what we can of life, how we feel about taking such a drastic step, how it affects others in our lives, what happens when we have the surgery, adjusting to the new limitations, what and how to eat, what happens in the bathroom, dealing with recovery, how it feels for the weight to come off, how we are treated by others as our weight changes, adjusting to being ourselves in a strange new body, the joy of being able to cross your legs and shop for normal size clothes, and on and on and on.
It is fascinating stuff. So fascinating, in fact, that we've discussed being addicted to the board! One poster says she now leaves her computer on all the time because she checks it so often for new postings, even in the middle of the night! Others say they sneak in as often as possible from work to see what is happening. Most say they are checking in at crazy times and have to then run and catch up on what they really needed to be doing. We joke that it is an OCD - obsessive compulsive disorder. But the post that topped it all started out like this: "bah, yer all amateurs!" This friend then proceeded to tell us that she starts her day by taking the wireless laptop into the john with her where she settles in for catching up on the board. Her husband automatically brings her a cup of coffee and no longer questions the behavior. She admitted that she is not only OCD, but competitive! We howled with laughter and crowned her our queen.
There's an acronym for that situation - TMI, or "too much information", and even though we use it as a disclaimer, it isn't often the case. Hearing that others think and feel the same way you do is never TMI. Suddenly your own goofiness and fears and foibles seem perfectly normal and you can relax. You're not weird or unusual, in fact, someone else may top you when you think you've outdone yourself in some way. At last you have found friends who are dancing to the same tune and no one is making fun of how anyone else dances. It's a beautiful thing and a very fun time for all.
How nice to finally be invited to the party!
6/26/2005
Jun 25, 2005
Feeling much better today, so I think it's time to cheer up. I think the thing that's dragging me down is WORK and I will just have to not let it get to me so much. I'll do what I can to change that situation later and in the meantime, I will pretend that I am a princess enslaved by the evil empire. These days, princesses do not wait for the prince to come, they get busy and kick some butt. Watch out!
Also, I did open a pandora's box of "issues" when I decided to have this surgery (as Alison so kindly reminds me) and I had to let that pass. I think all the beasties and batties have flown out now and I can use the beautiful box for something else. Protein snacks perhaps? Where else would a princess keep them?
My surgery is 5 weeks from tomorrow, which is almost here, and I am making plans. I will work this coming week, then take off the week of the fourth and spend a few days with my sister in Columbus. She remodeled her kitchen last year and I promised her some finishing touches. I plan to make her a new roman shade, a curtain for some bottom cupboards and maybe new cushions for her barstools. Then she has a picture she wants painted onto the front of her fridge and we're going to age the faux brick wall she put up at one end. So that will keep me busy, the time will go superfast, and it will be fun. Then back to work for a few more weeks and I'll be done. That last week of July when my teammate is out for the week again will be tough, but it will go fast.
So, I am thinking of things to do that I can manage - believe me there's plenty to do that I don't want to do right now and I just have to let those go. Today's official countdown is 36 days and that sounds good, doesn't it? Oh yeh...
Also, I did open a pandora's box of "issues" when I decided to have this surgery (as Alison so kindly reminds me) and I had to let that pass. I think all the beasties and batties have flown out now and I can use the beautiful box for something else. Protein snacks perhaps? Where else would a princess keep them?My surgery is 5 weeks from tomorrow, which is almost here, and I am making plans. I will work this coming week, then take off the week of the fourth and spend a few days with my sister in Columbus. She remodeled her kitchen last year and I promised her some finishing touches. I plan to make her a new roman shade, a curtain for some bottom cupboards and maybe new cushions for her barstools. Then she has a picture she wants painted onto the front of her fridge and we're going to age the faux brick wall she put up at one end. So that will keep me busy, the time will go superfast, and it will be fun. Then back to work for a few more weeks and I'll be done. That last week of July when my teammate is out for the week again will be tough, but it will go fast.
So, I am thinking of things to do that I can manage - believe me there's plenty to do that I don't want to do right now and I just have to let those go. Today's official countdown is 36 days and that sounds good, doesn't it? Oh yeh...
6/25/2005
Jun 24, 2005
We are having one early hot summer here in SW Ohio. It is not improving my mood at all, so if you don't want to hear more complaining, stop reading right now. This is my blog and I will rant when I feel like it, so there.
Truthfully, I would love to cheer up but I find it beyond me. I am at my heaviest and most inactive and I am physically miserable. I went out twice today, once to the library and once to the grocery, and I thought I would collapse each time. I literally locked eyes on my car to make my way back to it and find my way home. My feet are swollen with the heat and they feel like sodden slabs beneath me. My knees ache and my flexibility is nill, so I stomp around with a Frankenstein gait and the attitude of an old grumpy bear.
The countdown is now 37 days. Today is Saturday and my surgery is 5 weeks from this coming Monday. I am grateful to have the approval and the date, but I just can't see the finish line yet. It seems so far away when your legs don't bend. Clomp, clomp, clomp I go through the endless tunnel to August first.
When my knees gave out a couple years ago, I had to wait 5 weeks to get on the surgery schedule so as to have two surgeons do the knees simultaneously. At first I thought it sounded like a long time, but I was immediately on medical leave and given pain killers to live on in the meantime. It wasn't a bad wait at all. This time I am trying to slog through daily life and keep up and I can't. I give out while trying to do things around the house and it takes all my energy to get myself to work and back each day through the week. I have such intense anger at my workplace that I can barely stand to keep going there. I feel like I am pushing a huge boulder uphill all time and my arms are getting rubbery. Can I really keep this up for five more weeks before I give up and let the stone just roll over me? I sure don't feel like it.
I also feel guilty for feeling so bad. My life is good and I have a nice place to live. It isn't getting the attention it needs right now, but that can be fixed. Lots of people would trade places with me, I'm sure. I have supportive, loving family who will come running if I call. You can't ask for more than that. Yet here I am, ready to melt down into a puddle of misery. God forgive me and please help me endure. I don't know what else to say.
Truthfully, I would love to cheer up but I find it beyond me. I am at my heaviest and most inactive and I am physically miserable. I went out twice today, once to the library and once to the grocery, and I thought I would collapse each time. I literally locked eyes on my car to make my way back to it and find my way home. My feet are swollen with the heat and they feel like sodden slabs beneath me. My knees ache and my flexibility is nill, so I stomp around with a Frankenstein gait and the attitude of an old grumpy bear.
The countdown is now 37 days. Today is Saturday and my surgery is 5 weeks from this coming Monday. I am grateful to have the approval and the date, but I just can't see the finish line yet. It seems so far away when your legs don't bend. Clomp, clomp, clomp I go through the endless tunnel to August first.
When my knees gave out a couple years ago, I had to wait 5 weeks to get on the surgery schedule so as to have two surgeons do the knees simultaneously. At first I thought it sounded like a long time, but I was immediately on medical leave and given pain killers to live on in the meantime. It wasn't a bad wait at all. This time I am trying to slog through daily life and keep up and I can't. I give out while trying to do things around the house and it takes all my energy to get myself to work and back each day through the week. I have such intense anger at my workplace that I can barely stand to keep going there. I feel like I am pushing a huge boulder uphill all time and my arms are getting rubbery. Can I really keep this up for five more weeks before I give up and let the stone just roll over me? I sure don't feel like it.
I also feel guilty for feeling so bad. My life is good and I have a nice place to live. It isn't getting the attention it needs right now, but that can be fixed. Lots of people would trade places with me, I'm sure. I have supportive, loving family who will come running if I call. You can't ask for more than that. Yet here I am, ready to melt down into a puddle of misery. God forgive me and please help me endure. I don't know what else to say.
6/21/2005
Jun 20, 2005
These days I am simply stuck in neutral. The thrill of the chase (meeting all the DS requirements) and the nail biting anxiety of waiting for approval are over. I guess that is good because I am not swinging wildly from pillar to post, but now I am waiting in the most boring of ways - going through the motions.
I know, I know, just something more to complain about, but that's what it is. I can't very well take off on some new adventure to pass the time, and I don't like to think of "just passing time" in any case. I like to be having fun or be doing something productive most of the time. Just going to work, coming home and forcing myself to do a couple basics and then be too tired for anything else just doesn't cut it. It doesn't feel right at all.
The past weekend was good. I went to visit family for Father's Day and had a good time. I actually forgot my countdown for a while. We chatted, ate out, played cards, took a drive and then chatted some more. It was fun and relaxing and I stopped obsessing for a bit. I gave my dad a copy of my profile here so far and wondered if that was a wise thing to do. Somehow it is easier to be confidential with you here who don't know me than with someone closer and more involved in my life. I worry that Dad will judge the things I say or contest them somehow or even discount them in some way. But it is a risk I am finally willing to take. This WLS surgery is for me and I am opening up about a lot of things. My viewpoint is just that and no one else has to like it for me to be ok.
I am back to a very busy week at work. My team mate decided to take some vacation to enjoy some of the summer before I take off for surgery, and so I am holding down the fort this week. It will keep me very busy and so far, the days are flying by. That is good for me and I am forced to be very productive to get all the work done. I am focusing on that and not how tired I am so that I don't get too discouraged. I still look heavenward from time to time and question the timing of my surgery, but I will persevere. Climbing the stairs at home means hand over hand up the bannister, simple chores mean shortness of breath and an extended hot flash, but I just crack the whip and keep going. Every day is one closer to where I long to be.
I know, I know, just something more to complain about, but that's what it is. I can't very well take off on some new adventure to pass the time, and I don't like to think of "just passing time" in any case. I like to be having fun or be doing something productive most of the time. Just going to work, coming home and forcing myself to do a couple basics and then be too tired for anything else just doesn't cut it. It doesn't feel right at all.
The past weekend was good. I went to visit family for Father's Day and had a good time. I actually forgot my countdown for a while. We chatted, ate out, played cards, took a drive and then chatted some more. It was fun and relaxing and I stopped obsessing for a bit. I gave my dad a copy of my profile here so far and wondered if that was a wise thing to do. Somehow it is easier to be confidential with you here who don't know me than with someone closer and more involved in my life. I worry that Dad will judge the things I say or contest them somehow or even discount them in some way. But it is a risk I am finally willing to take. This WLS surgery is for me and I am opening up about a lot of things. My viewpoint is just that and no one else has to like it for me to be ok.
I am back to a very busy week at work. My team mate decided to take some vacation to enjoy some of the summer before I take off for surgery, and so I am holding down the fort this week. It will keep me very busy and so far, the days are flying by. That is good for me and I am forced to be very productive to get all the work done. I am focusing on that and not how tired I am so that I don't get too discouraged. I still look heavenward from time to time and question the timing of my surgery, but I will persevere. Climbing the stairs at home means hand over hand up the bannister, simple chores mean shortness of breath and an extended hot flash, but I just crack the whip and keep going. Every day is one closer to where I long to be.
Distraction
Jun 16, 2005
This is a big problem right now. I was already a bit foggy-brained (menopause?) and struggling to get through the days without giving in to fatigue, and now I can barely keep my wits about me. I am calming down a bit more each day and the depression is lifting, but I find that I need to be very careful because I ran a light in the car the other day.
I was dropping off a friend to get her car from the mechanic and was in line to turn left at the light. The cars in front of me were moving forward, turning left, and I just followed along. Suddenly, my friend said "watch it, watch it" and I noticed that I was in the middle of the intersection when it wasn't my turn. I hadn't run a red light, but my turn light had expired. A quick glance told me that everyone had seen me and was waiting for me to get out of the way, no doubt with some justified cursing. This is an intersection near my home that I travel all the time and I breezed right through it, oblivious to the signals. Dangerous little thing to do.
It's odd, but I am not listening to my beloved books on tape right now either. For years I have not been without a tape in the car or at bedtime and will make special trips to the library for a constant supply. It is the one thing I will go back into the house for if I have forgotten it, because I hate to drive without my current story. Now, suddenly, I can't pay attention. I find that the tape has been running for some time and I have no idea what was said. There is so much going on in my head that I need quiet around me. I mentioned this to my friend who is also a nut for books on tape, and she didn't even believe me. She thinks I've gone off the deep end over this surgery business.
Well, I may have, but that's how it is. This is a life-changing prospect for me and my weight has been a "core issue" for so long that I can't remember it any other way. It is my nature to be emotional, to wear my heart on my sleeve and I am driven to distraction. Normally I am not that way over every little thing - I've gone years without being this worked up over anything. But this is so important to me and is going to have such an impact on my life that I simply can't focus on much else. I don't think it is that unusual at all.
I've had surgery several times already. I was scared the first time, but after that it wasn't such an unknown and it was easier to prepare for. I refused to let myself worry too much about an upcoming surgery and treated it like an item on the grocery or to-do list. It was like this: Monday- drop off the library tapes, Tuesday- pick up milk and eggs, Friday- get gall bladder out. That worked pretty well and I had very little anxiety about it all, so I think I can be pretty rational most of the time.
Not now. My same friend said to me, "just keep busy and it will be here before you know it. It isn't that far away." "Oh, you don't understand" I replied. "It isn't like that at all. I know you are going to say I'm driving myself crazy, but here's how it is... I have a countdown going. Today that countdown is 45 days. All day I think about it being 45 days. I will do the same tomorrow when it is 44 days. It's not like a few days slip past and I suddenly say, hey! It's only 37 days now; where'd the time go? Nooooo... My brain says 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, hmmmm, is it 44 yet? nope, 45, 45, 45..." She looked at me in amazement. "you need to get a grip" she said. "I know that!" I squeaked. "I'm running traffic lights for pete's sake! I'm not doing this on purpose!"
So I'm trying to be careful because I know I am totally distracted. I'll do my best to control it, but I swear I can't be the only one who is bonkers through this process. This has been a huge decision and a painful time and it ain't over yet. The countdown continues. 45, 45, 45, 45...
I was dropping off a friend to get her car from the mechanic and was in line to turn left at the light. The cars in front of me were moving forward, turning left, and I just followed along. Suddenly, my friend said "watch it, watch it" and I noticed that I was in the middle of the intersection when it wasn't my turn. I hadn't run a red light, but my turn light had expired. A quick glance told me that everyone had seen me and was waiting for me to get out of the way, no doubt with some justified cursing. This is an intersection near my home that I travel all the time and I breezed right through it, oblivious to the signals. Dangerous little thing to do.
It's odd, but I am not listening to my beloved books on tape right now either. For years I have not been without a tape in the car or at bedtime and will make special trips to the library for a constant supply. It is the one thing I will go back into the house for if I have forgotten it, because I hate to drive without my current story. Now, suddenly, I can't pay attention. I find that the tape has been running for some time and I have no idea what was said. There is so much going on in my head that I need quiet around me. I mentioned this to my friend who is also a nut for books on tape, and she didn't even believe me. She thinks I've gone off the deep end over this surgery business.
Well, I may have, but that's how it is. This is a life-changing prospect for me and my weight has been a "core issue" for so long that I can't remember it any other way. It is my nature to be emotional, to wear my heart on my sleeve and I am driven to distraction. Normally I am not that way over every little thing - I've gone years without being this worked up over anything. But this is so important to me and is going to have such an impact on my life that I simply can't focus on much else. I don't think it is that unusual at all.
I've had surgery several times already. I was scared the first time, but after that it wasn't such an unknown and it was easier to prepare for. I refused to let myself worry too much about an upcoming surgery and treated it like an item on the grocery or to-do list. It was like this: Monday- drop off the library tapes, Tuesday- pick up milk and eggs, Friday- get gall bladder out. That worked pretty well and I had very little anxiety about it all, so I think I can be pretty rational most of the time.
Not now. My same friend said to me, "just keep busy and it will be here before you know it. It isn't that far away." "Oh, you don't understand" I replied. "It isn't like that at all. I know you are going to say I'm driving myself crazy, but here's how it is... I have a countdown going. Today that countdown is 45 days. All day I think about it being 45 days. I will do the same tomorrow when it is 44 days. It's not like a few days slip past and I suddenly say, hey! It's only 37 days now; where'd the time go? Nooooo... My brain says 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, 45, hmmmm, is it 44 yet? nope, 45, 45, 45..." She looked at me in amazement. "you need to get a grip" she said. "I know that!" I squeaked. "I'm running traffic lights for pete's sake! I'm not doing this on purpose!"
So I'm trying to be careful because I know I am totally distracted. I'll do my best to control it, but I swear I can't be the only one who is bonkers through this process. This has been a huge decision and a painful time and it ain't over yet. The countdown continues. 45, 45, 45, 45...
6/16/2005
Jun 15, 2005
Things are gradually looking better and I'm starting to calm down. I've had a lot of response to my profile here and I need to thank everyone for their private messages and kind concern. I think I may be describing the misery a bit too well! But I have been determined to do it because I want to record what this is like. For us, who live this story, it strikes a chord and makes us feel a bit less alone. For others, who might wonder and want to understand, it may shed some light. For those who denigrate the morbidly obese, well, I don't care a whole lot about them. It falls on deaf ears there but they are victims of their own ignorance. Let them keep what bit of false superiority they have - they need it to walk upright.
I had a lovely message from my friend Alison who speculated that my plunge into despair is not simply about the surgery. I think she is absolutely right. The decision to have the surgery was a real turning point in my life. It signaled defeat in one sense, because I came to the realization that I really do not have the power to control my weight. Whether that is a failing on my part or something truly beyond my control is now a moot point. I have waged war on all the fronts: mental, physical, emotional, biological. I have spent my life energy on these battles and failed. I am a fighter so I had not been willing to admit defeat for well over thirty years. To finally do that, I had to accept that others will think I am weak and that hurts. More importantly, I had to let go of the fight in me and accept that I have done my best and this problem is not only bigger than I am, it will kill me in the end. Since I am not one for the easy way out, it's hard to lay down the sword.
Surgery is not the easy way out, of course, but it does look like it to some, so that was the first of many other little doors I opened when I decided to have surgery. Now I have to reconcile the fact that I previously poo-pooed the surgical option and have changed my mind. Where's all my big talk now? The critic in me cries hypocrite. I cringe when some friends openly oppose my decision and force me to face my own doubts. This is valuable to do, but painful all the same.
And then there is the fact that I am making myself a priority with this decision. I need to take time for doctor appointments, special needs, time off for surgery and help from family and friends to get through recovery. I have to impose on others to get this accomplished. I have to admit I need help. I have to be indebted. The whole thing pokes holes in my image of being self-sufficient and always up to any task. It is humbling. And what if I have complications and further impose on anyone? My fear of bothering people looms large.
I have spent my life on a diet. My dealings with my weight are a large part of who I am. Who will I be without that? What excuse will I have for not living up to my potential? To be set free of a burden means moving forward, but in what way? Can I live up to my own expectations? Has it all been a big front for the little coward I might really be? Will I turn out to be a puff of hot air? Time will tell.
What about the surgery itself? How much is it gonna hurt? How do I justify risking my life for this? I am going to voluntarily lay down on a metal table and let someone cut me open and rearrange my innards. A good portion of my god-given stomach gets cut out and thrown in the trash. My guts get bypassed and I'll take my chances on future bowel problems. Does this fly into the face of reason and insult God? What if I get a permanent case of the shits? That would be good enough for me, now wouldn't it?
So it's no surprise that my brain is working overtime, the noise in my head won't stop and my great protector, depression, steps in and shuts me down. This is a life-changing decision and I can only hope that all goes well. I've bought a ticket on a funhouse ride and I'm heading into the scary part. I never did like those rides!
Many thanks to everyone on the boards here. Your support is the seatbelt holding me in.
I had a lovely message from my friend Alison who speculated that my plunge into despair is not simply about the surgery. I think she is absolutely right. The decision to have the surgery was a real turning point in my life. It signaled defeat in one sense, because I came to the realization that I really do not have the power to control my weight. Whether that is a failing on my part or something truly beyond my control is now a moot point. I have waged war on all the fronts: mental, physical, emotional, biological. I have spent my life energy on these battles and failed. I am a fighter so I had not been willing to admit defeat for well over thirty years. To finally do that, I had to accept that others will think I am weak and that hurts. More importantly, I had to let go of the fight in me and accept that I have done my best and this problem is not only bigger than I am, it will kill me in the end. Since I am not one for the easy way out, it's hard to lay down the sword.
Surgery is not the easy way out, of course, but it does look like it to some, so that was the first of many other little doors I opened when I decided to have surgery. Now I have to reconcile the fact that I previously poo-pooed the surgical option and have changed my mind. Where's all my big talk now? The critic in me cries hypocrite. I cringe when some friends openly oppose my decision and force me to face my own doubts. This is valuable to do, but painful all the same.
And then there is the fact that I am making myself a priority with this decision. I need to take time for doctor appointments, special needs, time off for surgery and help from family and friends to get through recovery. I have to impose on others to get this accomplished. I have to admit I need help. I have to be indebted. The whole thing pokes holes in my image of being self-sufficient and always up to any task. It is humbling. And what if I have complications and further impose on anyone? My fear of bothering people looms large.
I have spent my life on a diet. My dealings with my weight are a large part of who I am. Who will I be without that? What excuse will I have for not living up to my potential? To be set free of a burden means moving forward, but in what way? Can I live up to my own expectations? Has it all been a big front for the little coward I might really be? Will I turn out to be a puff of hot air? Time will tell.
What about the surgery itself? How much is it gonna hurt? How do I justify risking my life for this? I am going to voluntarily lay down on a metal table and let someone cut me open and rearrange my innards. A good portion of my god-given stomach gets cut out and thrown in the trash. My guts get bypassed and I'll take my chances on future bowel problems. Does this fly into the face of reason and insult God? What if I get a permanent case of the shits? That would be good enough for me, now wouldn't it?
So it's no surprise that my brain is working overtime, the noise in my head won't stop and my great protector, depression, steps in and shuts me down. This is a life-changing decision and I can only hope that all goes well. I've bought a ticket on a funhouse ride and I'm heading into the scary part. I never did like those rides!
Many thanks to everyone on the boards here. Your support is the seatbelt holding me in.
About Me
Southwest, OH
Location
31.0
BMI
Surgery
08/01/2005
Surgery Date
May 07, 2005
Member Since
