ThatzHotxoxo

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it's 2:42am and i can't sleep i have an appointment with my shrink tomorrow to go back on my anxiety medication...apparently going off them on my own causes some pretty severe panic attacks..like bi weekly.. ugh i cant even read my books ive gotten on rny and life after surgery and what not because regardless of the fact that i already know all the dangers and unpleasant after effects my brain is kicking into overdrive worrying,
grr i'm terrified that because i dont as of yet have any comorbities that the surgeon will say i'm not a good candidate.
i just have to keep saying that being damned near 300 pounds at 5'2 is bad enough.. combined with my family history they'll let me get it for preventative measures.. *fingers crossed*
i hate being afflicted with this horrible anxiety and worry.

so today i went and bought a whole wack of green tea type drinks some i can even  drink after surgery, I'm desperate to drink non carbonated beverages because of my former diet pepsi addiction. I knew i had to not drink pop ever again after surgery and i thought man i better quit now or its gonna hit me like a ton of bricks.
so two months ago as well as not eating take out or fast foods i stopped drinking anything carbonated, so its been juices water and cold tea type drinks.
thank god for ariZona drinks.. they make three different green teas that i know about...diet green tea with ginsing and honey,diet blueberry green tea, and red apple green tea, they also make a fruit punch and an iced tea that are both good.
I dont wanna over due the green tea though i'll need that after surgery to survive the first month, i can't drink water 24/7 blech makes me feel queasy if i drink too much plain water.

33 days until i see my surgeon the man who holds my new life in his hands, who has the ability and talent to potentially better my life forever, I know i my heart that i'm a good candidate and yet I worry that for some odd reason he'll say I'm sorry you just not right for this procedure.
I know i should be positive and i know i shouldnt let things like this in but my anxiety disorders just take over sometimes and it can't be helped.
in 33 days i'll know for sure, i'll be able to calm down and enjoy my last thanksgiving as a fat girl, the last christmas i watch my skinny bestfriends open presents i got for them (clothes that are hot and trendy that i buy them because i can't buy them for myself), the last new years that i wont be able to wear a sexy party dress.
If my surgeon says yes lets do it I figure the surgery will be booked for January my new life will begin in January and knowing this simple fact just makes it that much harder for me to now be stuck in my old life.
I'm accutely aware of the calories, carbs, fat and sugar crabs of everything i put in my mouth, I don't drink carbonated beverages, i've researched and started living properly, i'm so ready for this i could scream.
I over prepare so that i won't crack.
I want this more then i've ever wanted anything.
I can't wait to be heathy and active.
I can't wait to be Happy.