VickyO
Thank you "Brandilynn" for my 5th month surgiversary gift!
Jan 03, 2010
1/3/10 @ 2:20pm
Brandilynn’s post was so meaningful for me today, my 5th month surgiversary. I want to be able to go back and reflect on it in the days, months and years to come. She is an amazing woman and has helped me to work through this journey of discovery, even when I feel icky. So, I’ve copied and pasted it into my blog (I hope you don’t mind Brandilynn) I am going through so many emotions, ups & downs, my body is changing, my mind is confused and I’m just not quite feeling comfortable in my skin. I want to feel “healthy, happy and whole” and I will start a new vision board to reflect this.
And high fucking five to you Brandilynn for making good/better/best choices and just sitting with your icky itchy self!....and high fucking five to me for doing and wanting the same. And…thank you to everyone who posted and were as moved as I was today. Vicky
Brandilynn
Wonderland !
Newnan, GA
Post Date: 1/3/10 3:28 am
Soooo..
Yesterday started out groovus enough, took a long trip to Tom Shane to get my wedding ring resized so I will not keep flicking it off my fingers at people when I get excited and talk with my hands. :}
Came home, lunched, napped a wee bit - and went to Dillards because I heard they do bra fitting and I desperately need some input - the B cups I have have too much room in them, and A cups - well they are just silly and all my redundant boob spills out the side! Garr!
Anyway I get in there and the lady brings some bras - bigger band than I would have thought - my chest is a 34, but she brought 36 = but hey..whatever works - and she says I need a B cup, okay - whatever works.
Well - these bitches are TIGHT and she is pinching my underarm breast to mash them into the cup and its NOT comfortable and I thought to myself - honey, I was this uncomfortable in my Boomalatti Bras - I sure as shit am not going to be this uncomfortable in my minus 100+ pounds bras!!
And then I look in the mirror in the back, and there is all this backfat spilling over the top of the bra, so I have back boobs, NUH UH!!! I tell her, this is NOT attractive - what other options do I have? I am not paying 60 bucks for this and feeling MORE self conscious about people touching my back than I used to - no way, no HOW. Then she says to me..
wait for it..
*Honey, you just need to firm up a bit."
And I thought "bitch, you do not know how close you are to a royal ass kicking." *chuckle*
So she says " well the Spanx might be better for you" so I try them on, and for the full coverage need to go up a cup - and then I think - how freaking big WERE my boobs 100+ pounds ago and I was cramming them into C cups? *gasp* Anyway - the Spanx worked nicely, but while she was out and I am in my jeans and bra, in the very bright triple mirrored dressing room - I can see that my hair is thin (course nobody would notice but me - but still), that my graces (my grey hairs) are a nice huge stripe down the middle (trying to figure out - should I just color and keep my hair tied back, I REALLY have been working to grow it out - or just get the shit cut off in a pixie and let my natural graces come in to see if I really like them? What what what!?)
We are going to a wedding next weekend, so after my special time with the bra fitting lady, and nothing seemed appropriate for an afternoon wedding in a Catholic church. I also work from home, so even if I get a nice work dressy outfit - its not going to be out of the closet again until the next wedding most probably, so - its hard for me to justify spending googobs of cash on something I wear, meh, once a year. (everyday? Yes! - Once a month? Yes - an appliance YES! - once a year? NOt so much). Cute stuff with too many sequins, black stuff (its an afternoon wedding, and I know some brides get tetchy if you wear black - so that's off limits).
So then I go to Ulta, I go and grab the Nixon I think is my best hair type, I go to the front - there is a huge line - I say to me "you do not NEED this babyB, put it back, use up the shampoo you have, get a hair cut and a color, or whatever, this will be here later IF you need it."
So I put it down, I walk out of the store, I walk to my car and I have racey thoughts, and a tight feeling in my chest - like somehow if I go and BUY that stupid Nioxin, everything will be FINE.. I walk back to the store (in the freezing cold!) and go to the back, pick the shampoo, up, watch myself "make a deal" with me and justify how buying BIG bottles of it will be as cheap (not so) as the trial pack I was going to get ANYWAY, and watch me pick up the big bottles. Walk to the front and then think - WTF ARE YOU DOING GIRLIE? PUT IT DOWN, YOU DO NOT NEED TO SPEND ANY MONEY ON THIS RIGHT THIS MINUTE - THE ANSWER IS NO, NOT TODAY"
Soooo.. I put it down, and literally jog back to my car to get me the hell out of there. I think - I should stop by Wal-Mart and get myself some black pants to go with a shirt I already have.. so I head towards Wal-Mart and then think NO - YOU NEED TO GO HOME RIGHT NOW.. YOU DO NOT NEED TO SPEND ANY MORE MONEY FEELING LIKE THIS..NONE.
My face is breaking out, and I am so itchy in my skin, I tell me its okay that I feel like this, its hormones, its normal, I am not a freak of nature, nothing is wrong with me, I HAVE done hard work, and I am MUCH firmer than I would be if I had not been lifting - so be sweet to me and stop talking smack and recognize when I am headed for trouble and go home and wewax!
So, I GET home and try and nap again, and find I can hardly sit still. I want to cruise and see what teas are available on Celestial Seasonings, so I can get some - insert conversation that I had about the Nioxin and pants here. I look on Amazon to see if I can get a better deal on Spanx, I can - insert conversation AGAIN. I GET IN THE CAR AND DRIVE HALFWAY TO WALMART arguing with myself the whole time, before I pull over and tell myself softly
You need to go home, and find another way to deal with feeling like this. If you feel bad and bingey, THIS WILL NOT FIX IT. Its just a feeling, and its not going to HURT you to have it. FEELINGS WILL NOT KILL YOU. Go home, write this down, take a hot shower, make yourself some sugar cookie tea, practice just being uncomfortable in your skin because it WILL happen, but you need to NOT get stuck on retail therapy, or binging in ANY OTHER MANNER. Get it? You did this to GET HEALTHY, not to compound other latent addictions.
Move along, go home.
And So, I DID.
And of course, that day came on the tail of HandsomeFaceFella and I having a converation about how I felt more balanced than before, how much calmer I was, less moody than before, says he. *chuckle*
So, maybe it was just a chance to WALK my TALK. And know what? I had to fight buying some more tea last night (but its ONLY tea!!! it does not cost THAT MUCH) because I told me, its not the WHAT, B, it is not how much it costs me - its my habits that I am building. If every time I am uncomfortable, my body learns that it can spend money - then I have not learned how to deal with me. LIke it used to binge on food - its looking for something else - and for the first months after surgery, I would use this time to exercise, but now? Now I am working on being more "grown up" in my dealings with my feelings. They are okay to just HAVE. If I *expect* them and am prepared with soothing things to do (hot shower, hot tea) then maybe, just maybe, it can be like a robber who comes in, but I do not have to be all freaky, because I already have the cops there.
Hello anxious thoughts, I was expecting you - and you are welcome to go now - here - let me escort you on out the door.
Right? Right. So here was an EXCELLENT chance for me to deal with a lady who was ignorant of how much work I had done on my body so far, and a body that was full of anxt because of hormones, coupled with my reaction to the lady's ignorance, and fighting off trying to find itself a way that it knew to distract me from my feelings (shopping - since eating and drinking are non options) and my redirecting it.
And I did okay. I recognized that it came on the heels of a conversation where I had waxed poetic on feeling balanced and sane (chuckle = Maybe God said - really girlie? are you REALLY that balanced and sane? Lets give you a chance to practice what you preach!) and in the past, I found I hated to talk about weight loss, or things I had done well, because it seemed I would sabotage myself the very next day, or very soon after - maybe to keep me humble? Who knows -
Anyway, all of that to say - the UMS (ugly mood swings) they come - they go. Please be on guard with yourself. I see so many folks who "knew" they had it all down pat - and 2 years, 3 years out either start to gain weight back, or worse, find themselves with a drinking problem, gambling problem, shopping problem - some raging transfer addiction.
Healthy, happy and WHOLE. I wish this for us, this coming year and beyond.
And high fucking five to me for making good/better/best choices yesterday and just sitting with my icky itchy self! *high five*
Highest weight - April 2009 = 267
Post Date: 1/3/10 8:30 am
My dearest Brandi,
You are my voice...you are my words....you are amazing! This post hit me so hard, I started to cry and started a mini panic attack, heart pounding, tingly all over.....wow...you brought my emotions straight to the top. I want to use "everything" else right now...and feel like I'm white knuckling it. Crazy days lately...crazy.....I'm keep my food in check and when it's crazy....all the other additions fight to come out. Who will win today? Love ya so! Vicky
