Whitney H.

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Officially 2 months today. 65 pounds down. Feels like two years. Was on track with my protein and eating till Labor Day weekend struck. Truly tested my sleeve and grazed over food. I feel sick. I hate acting like that. I had forgotten what it's like spending every second debating wether to eat healthy or crappy and feeling bad no matter what I choose. I am surprised to find what foods make me quickly ill (chips and queso) and what I can get down easily (brocclie cheese rice and creamed corn). I will be back on track tomorrow aiming for 1,200 calories (per my surgeon) with my focus on my protein and water and my 30 minutes of cardio. 

I tried Diet Coke today and it tasted like dirt. I was a DC addict pre-surgery. I was oh so grateful when I took the sip today though and could barely swallow it. Gross.

Started back to school today. It was actually a good day. But I really struggled with hunger and I had an expensive non-fulfilling lunch. It's so hard to eat around people who don't know about the surgery.

Anyway, I've been doing the low-carb thing since July 20th and had lost 20 pounds. Now I've been barely losing for 5 days. So after school I felt ravenous and decided I would eat what I wanted. We went to Taco Cabana and I shared a small burrito with my friend. I probably had 1/4 maybe of the whole thing and I dipped each bite in queso. I filled up quickly and it was soooo satisfying!! I want to eat like that all the time. I didn't overeat. I didn't under eat. But I'm almost certain I will gain cause the rice and tortilla was way more carbs then I've been eating.

I'm hoping that after the extra carbs when I go back to low carb it will kick start my system. Anyway, that was the first meal I've enjoyed since a week before surgery. That's right ... 6 weeks. I've struggled with feeling guilty about it all evening so wish I could reprogram my brain.

It's so hard to start up new things. School starts back this Friday and every time I read an email about it or talk to someone from school this adrenalin races up my spine and I just want to crawl onto the couch with some ice cream. The reality is not as bad as what I fear, but it's hard that I can feel so against my job right now. Once it gets going I'll get back into the groove and it will be okay, but right now it feels like I'm about to have to climb a huge mountain.

I know I'm going to have to be really careful when school starts not to use food to numb myself. I keep getting the updated class rosters and they have color-coded the kids behavior. Red if they're horrible, yellow = okay, green = good, and blue= great. So of course my class is covered in red and yellows. It's so frustrating,. I've stopped looking at the list so I won't prejudge any of the kids and it's freaking me out!!!! Just had to get that out. It's toxic when it stays inside me.

My weight loss appears to be slowing too so that doesn't help. Oh well. All I can do is keep moving forward.

Not a good day emotionally. Food wise I didn't eat much and didn't track my food but I did get in a fast walk. Our new neighbor came by at 8pm to pick me up and I managed to keep up with her. Granted she probably slowed WAY down for me but she probably weighs 150 so I was proud of myself. I started my period today after not having one for 4 months. I guess that's a good sign that the weight loss has helped my body. It sucks though because I was enjoying the cramp free months.

I have strongly felt the desire lately to be in a relationship. I know I should wait till I've worked on myself, etc, etc, but it seems like it would be nice. And I can't help but think if I found a guy who could love me at this weight and throughout the journey... wow... what a keeper. But in the past when I was doing well with my eating I would start dating a guy and everything would get messed up. I'm also afraid I would use the male attention as a filler for not being able to overeat. I've done that in the past too. This post today really got me thinking because I was this girl a few years ago. You can read it here if you have the time.

http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/amos/3992153/MEN-AND-SEX-HELP/

It made me sad because I don't ever want to do things like that again. I think whatever someone feels comfortable with sexually is their thing but for me sex on the first date was "look how fun and awesome I am... please like me." Uggh. I feel sick when I think about it and I want to be in a relationship that doesn't start with sex. Anyway, don't know where all this is going. I guess I'm just afraid I'll meet another crappy guy. I just feel sad sometimes when I read about people's husbands on here and how supportive they are and I wish I had that relationship. Okay, so probably more than you cared to know about me but it's the truth.

I feel lethargic often. I think about sleeping a lot. Not sure if this is the tiredness people talk about or if my body is missing some major vitamin. I have been struggling with my exercise. On pre-surgery diets exercise was always the thing I could get right. Now I feel like when I'm able to exercise it's 10pm and too dangerous to walk outside alone. I know I need to join a gym but I hate gyms when I'm this big. My biggest fear is that I'll see someone I know at the gym. Isn't that a weird fear?

So my roommate got a coupon for a free Red Robin burger for his b-day. It expired today so of course he was determined he would be there to get it. I told him repeatedly I would not order a thing and I didn't want to share the hamburger (trying to focus on leaner meats today). I thought I was so resistant to the whole thing because I didn't want to sit there like a moron while he ate. Well we walked in and were seated and I just burst into tears. I was soooo frustrated. All around me people were enjoying all kinds of treats and I felt so angry and resentful. It was like my own personal hell. It sounds so stupid now but I was upset. Of course my friend just thinks I'm an 'emotional' girl but did tell me he was sorry and did not know it would be so hard on me. Neither did I. I think it was just the culmination of some hard feelings today. Anyway, my goal is to be able to one day order what I would like, eat a small amount, and then wrap up the rest. Basically no deprivation just moderation. Just had to share this.

40 lbs. down today. 20 lbs. pre-op included in this. I started doing low carb (around 10-15 daily) and the weight has been dropping off. Although I'm ecstatic to see the scale move quicker, I can't help but feel that I'm just on the Atkins Diet. Though before surgery when I did that diet most days were a humongous battle and I would consume a disgusting amount of shredded cheese. Now some moments are hard, but I don't feel like eating 15 hotdogs  ... not that I could. I have been trying to figure out my new stomache. The other night we went out for bar-b-que and I got some chicken. Everything was going fine and then the nausea hit. This was the 3rd time this had happened but I didn't feel like I was eating too fast or taking big bites. I dashed to the bathroom because apparently my body wanted me to stop one bite prior. Very strange to how throwing up is now... not a huge production, just a quick event.

School startes back soon and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I was hoping to be under 270, but we'll see. I'm not sure what it's going to be like losing the weight in front of everyone I work with. I've only told a few people and I was going to be honest about it with anyone who asked, but I just don't know. Guess I'll just see how it goes.

I've noticed I'm on edge more lately. Like I find myself not being able to tolerate much, especially with my close friends and family. I think in the past I was always sort of semi-sedated with food so I was kinder. Well actually, I just got by till the next moment I could eat. Anyway, I hope this isn't the new me. I'm exploring other coping mechanisms hoping I can find something else to do with free time. 

Definitely time to write a new blog. The few days after surgery I was too sick to blog and then I've really been struggling with lots of negativity. Let me back up. My surgery went well and included the repair of a hiatal hernia (unbeknown to me). I spent a night in the hospital and was home the next morning. Well for the first three days I was miserable. I could not drink a drop without throwing up and my thirst was at a all-time high. It was excruciating to me to need a drink and not be able to have it. I'm thinking that's what hell has to be. I think it was the anesthesia more than the actual surgery but it was a tough few days. Well three days out things changed drastically. Suddenly I could almost drink normally and I felt tons better!

So once I felt back to good I focused on my protein, drinking all my water, and walking at least 30 min. a day. I felt excited and encouraged but the scale did not move. In fact I weight more than the day I got home from surgery. I tried to hear every ones advice that my body was just freaked out and to give it time. I figured once the pain in my shoulders and chest was gone the weight would go with it. Nope. I figured once I was on mushies the weight would go. Nope. The only thing that calmed me down was to think "maybe this is my first stall since I lost 20lbs. pre-op". But it was so upsetting to finally be treating my body with love and see no result.

Well today I turned 26... and the best birthday gift was that I'm losing weight. Down 7 lbs. since I weighed four days ago. Can't tell you the relief I feel. I was having the irrational thought that my body felt that 308 was a good stopping place for me!!!! Ahh! It's amazing how our thoughts feel like reality.