Jasmine M.

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Yep... We're getting married. Small ceremony March 7, 2009 in Mexico, about 45 minutes south of San Diego.

We're excited. Having gained some of that relationship-comfort weight (me about 20 pounds! Gr!), we've both been trying to work out and diet so we look all hot again for the wedding. We'll see how that goes. :)

Yes, life is good. I'm glad to be on this side of the rainbow that's for sure. :)


Love to all,
j

I'm thinking about trying diet pills. Possibly Alli?...
I'm almost 160, if not there. That's 15 pounds more than my lowest of 145, which is where I was happy. I feel devastated and depressed beyond words. I feel like I would do anything to just get back there.

Anyone tried Alli? Does it work?

I remember seeing people really far out from surgery on the boards asking about diet pills and me thinking they were nuts. lol... Now I know... People early out really have no idea. I was clueless back then. The hard part is out here. Not back there. I hate it.



P.S. I just calculated my bmi. 30.2. I'm obese again.

Sometimes I tell myself that I don’t need ObesityHelp. Not because I don’t love you guys (I do), and not because I haven’t found so much solace here (I have). But because, I forget how much we all have in common, even when we have nothing in common but this surgery. Sometimes, I forget how all encompassing it is to be what we once were. I was fat, all my life. And, now I’m not, and that changes everything.

I feel frustrated. I feel like I want the world now, because I never even attempted to even dream of it before. And, now, I want to go out and make up for lost time -- chase every star I see, because I CAN. Because I know that I really can. And, knowing that, I find myself restless. And, then, I find myself lonely.

I have a man that loves me a lot. But, he feels like no matter what I do, he’s not enough to make me happy, to fulfill me. It anguishes him. He says I’m always running after something, always trying to climb that next higher mountain. He says I’m always looking forward to the next thing, instead of appreciating what I have. It makes me feel like he doesn’t know who I am, or why I am this way. Maybe, he doesn’t. Perhaps, he just can’t. Sometimes I think no one understands. But, then I realize some of you do get it. He only knows who I am now. He never knew me then, and he never saw what I went through to become the woman he loves. He’s heard all the stories. But, unless you know, unless you saw that, the danger, the desperation, the life and death struggle of living and being afraid you couldn’t make the right choices to sustain this new life… unless you experienced that yourself (or atleast secondhand), you can’t know. It’s just a story, just something that happened. But, it’s more transforming than that. I hate the idea of being defined by who I was and what I went through, but I am. I know it.

I’m different. We’re different sort of people. This fluctuating 145-160 pound woman is really not all of me. I feel like I’m carrying 200 pounds more than that in my back pocket that explains the whys and hows of the rest of me. But, how can you convey that to someone else? How do you explain that is isn’t that I don’t appreciate the here and now.It isn’t that I don’t love him for what he is and what he inspires in me. Rather, it’s that I appreciate all of it SO much. It’s that I want to make the MOST of it and, most importantly, I want to make the most of ME. I can’t just be satisfied with okay, because I know what so precious few people know about themselves, I can do almost anything – because I have done almost everything that a person can do to change themselves for the better.

I wish he could understand. I feel like I have talked and explained until I'm blue in the face. Nothing.

 

Ugh. I've been working hard lately on being/staying positive. It's so hard, and it shouldn't be. I have SO much to be happy about.

I'm just so miserable in my job. I never thought I could feel so depressed just to be somewhere. I walk in here and it's like I'm under a dark cloud. I always found so much joy in my career, and it's really tough hating it like this.

Nothing I do is right here. Ever. And, if you're damned if you do, damned if you don't... when it comes right down to it, you're more inclined toward don't. And, I sure do not want to get there.

Bottom line is I have to keep this job. We need the money. He's had trouble finding a good job out here (which heaps on atleast a ton more guilt on my part, since he left a job that paid well and he liked to join me). But, I have to realize it's not just me anymore. I'm responsible to someone else. So, I've been trying super hard. 

I walk up the stairs to go to our room and I have to stand outside that door psyching myself up just so I can smile for Ryan. Every time I think about work (really, my nasty cruel boss), it makes me want to eat or cry or both. How do you stay happy/positive in a miserable situation without food? I remind myself I’m not defined by my work, but when you spend the majority of your waking time there… it feels like it ceases to be true. I don’t know. Positivity suggestions would help. I spend so much time trying to stay positive for the other also-miserable people here at work that I feel like I’m running on empty these days.

peace and love,

j

 

So... hi!
I haven't been around lately. My miserable job keeps me busy.

But, here's the exciting news... Ryan has been here 3 weeks today. I think that's NUTS. It feels much longer. I love having him here. It's been a weird adjustment from being alone constantly to never ever being alone. But it feels wonderful to come home to him.

I've been really depressed lately. Possibly real depression. I've gained a good 10 pounds from my lowest weight. It feels pretty near devastating to me. I think being so incredibly unhappy at work adds to it. ALOT. I never thought it was possible to hate work so much. I would rather wash dishes or pick up dead animals along the side of the road than deal with my boss even one more day. I'm looking for a new job, but who knows how long that will be. Ryan has been amazing as always. He spoiled me this weekend with shopping and stuff. I've never known any guy who knew just what to do. I'm very blessed, I know.

As we speak, he's meeting with people for a job. I pray he gets it (if it's truly what he wants). I want him to be so very happy. I think it has unconventional hours, and while I hate the idea of being apart in the evening hours, I realize it might be better to keep us from not driving each other nuts in that one little tiny room. Plus, I've been really trying to focus on gym time and on my writing. I submitted a short story for a short fiction award and also publication. It's my first foray into publishing fiction, so we'll see. I'm excited at the concept. I came here to write, so I need to get a move on.

Well, that's about it. Keep your good vibes coming. It means so much. I wish you all the best, now and always.

Peace,
Jasmine

Just to update... Ryan will be here, in San Diego, tomorrow. After all this waiting, he's almost here!!!! Pray for a safe rest of the trip (through snow now) and a happy arrival. I'll be meeting his mom for the first time. Pray for that too. He doesn't expect her to like me because she always says stuff about all his girlfriends and I'm a way bigger threat than any of the others. 

This is what I have to say about that:

May 2008 be your best year yet.

much love,
j

Hey guys! I've been super busy. Sorry I haven't had a chance to return emails or post.

I leave Saturday to go home, and I don't come back until Jan. 1!!! My wonderful man helped me pay for my ticket and I'm so incredibly stoked! He leaves on Jan. 5 to drive here. Please pray for his safe journey as he travels the 2200 miles. He is utterly precious cargo to me.

I wish you all the most beautiful and peaceful holidays season. May you be blessed with warmth, health, happiness and love.

With love,
jazz

Hey guys... So to update...

I think I can officially say I have fat girls syndrome and divorced woman's syndrome. As if one isn't bad enough.

I'm just finding more and more how much growing up a fat girl has affected me. I have this idea that no one really wants to be with me. That ultimately it's always going to be me that wants love more. And no matter what he says, it's how I feel. It affects how I feel, how I act, what I say, how I treat him. And, ultimately, it's adversely affecting our relationship, and it’s all my fault. And it sucks.

Not to mention I'm attempting to overcome this whole divorced woman's syndrome. The need for comfortability, stability, security, all the things you have in a marriage that have nothing whatsoever to do with who you’re with. Ya, I miss that. And it affects us. The expectations I have, the fact that I get so frustrated at my lack of control (another thing I had in my marriage), etc etc. And, I see him trying so hard to conform to my needs, to accommodate what he thinks I want.

Honestly, I’m not unhappy in my relationship. I'm the happiest I've ever been. I love him so much. I’m just really not sure how to get over these things. I know he thinks maybe I never will. But I’m getting better every day. I don't fear I won't. I just fear it’s not fast enough. I have my lapses, but everybody does, I think. I worry he’ll get sick of it, ya know?

How do you battle these things and also stop yourself from gaining weight in the process (another battle)?

Thanksgiving was great. Spent time with family, friends and of course Ryan. He took me to the orchestra, we had a hotel, we went around town w/my family and even had dinner at the place where we had our first date.

Yes, I'm thankful indeed.

I hope all was great with you. A pic for y'all:

Hey guys. I hope all is well with you and yours this Thanksgiving holiday.

I have much to be thankful for. I hope you all use this as a time to reflect on the wonderful things in life.

It's been a tumultuous past few months to me, and I pray those trying times are the catalyst I use to change for the better. That's what they're for, after all, right? Yes. So, I feel like I'm in the process of turning over a very heavy leaf, and I'm doing it slowly but surely.

In all that I am, I'm thankful for my family, my Ryan, my friends, this surgery and the people of OH.

With love,
-jazz