Jasmine M.

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hey. this is a vent. actually a whine. just because i need it right now.

i think i hate my job. today, atleast. i work like 10 hours a day every day. and no matter what i do, it's wrong and i'm completely stupid for ever having done it, even if it's exactly what i was supposed to do.



this is the first time in my life where i felt like i can't just walk away and actually want to so badly. always before, i was financially secure enough to do that. now? i'm worried about money like i've never been before. and for good reason! and i hate that. who doesn't though.

i know this job will toughen me up. i just wonder if i need to be toughened so much. obviously i do, or i wouldn't be put in this situation. i'm just tired of waking up every day feeling like i could cry at the thought of having to come here again. and then i get here and there's this jerk message from my boss about how my assistant sent a letter to the wrong person. this and that. blah. yes, that sucks, but i can't help it. she's new. on top of that, she didn't even show up yesterday. i have no clue what to do. i know it could be much worse and is much worse for many many people. it makes me feel like such a jerk for complaining. i just think life's way too short to be in situations where you're treated like this. it's starting to mess with me and the way i feel in my life. but the money keeps me here. i have no choice. and that frustrates me so much.

why am i writing about this here? because it makes me want to eat. and eat and eat and eat some more. i'm tired of feeling so depressed/scared/alone/so friggin sad all the damn time. about this, about other stuff. right now, i feel like i could just burst into tears. i feel so lonely dealing with this. i miss my old life where i didn't worry or feel so sad. wah wah. i know. this isn't the woman i used to be. i don't know what happened to her, and i hate it. bah. just remind me how i can't eat it away. because that's just so tempting. i guess there's a benefit to being so broke.

ok. pity party over. (thanks, though, if you read it, really i just NEEDED to write it.)

PS. This really should have been the first thing I wrote, considering it's FAR more important... but anyway... my Ryan's mom went in the hospital last night w/shortness of breath. Please say a prayer/send good vibes her way.

So, you've heard of our ups and downs here. And, now I've given my Ryan the link so he can read back through my life and weight loss journey before him. (He never knew me then...) I guess I just wanna let him in to know the BIG girl, the girl I was before I was HIS girl. :)



Te he... Give him an OH welcome, mkays?

PS: he got an account:
http://www.obesityhelp.com/member/ryan_d/ 

I give up. I think maybe there is a special species of people that just don't want to be happy, and I'm one. 

I'm the queen of self-sabotage (thus the 7 pound regain). I'm a master at self-destruction (thus my constant and apparant need to find reasons to be unhappy). I'm the princess of fear (first it's what if he doesn't love me enough to come here? now it's what if he loves me as much as he says and then i have to step up?). 

Beyond all that, I'm depressed. This was not the way I imagined my life being. By nature of the fact that I'm in a super serious relationship and live 2500 miles away from my other half, I cannot really live much of a life. Thus, I have not really been able to meet or make any friends. And, the ones I have made almost always tend to be men. That doesn't work.

So, I'm pretty much just here. Sunny San Diego.... Woohoo... Might as well be the other side of the moon.

And I'm getting fat and I see my man (who really is hot and lots of women seem to realize it) in like 2.5 weeks. My body is fine. It's my face. It's a little fuller. Enough to notice, and I'm scared. I don't want to give him a reason to look elsewhere. I feel like crap right now. gah.

eh.

Happy Halloween! This is the time of year that it's perfectly ok for classy women to dress like tramps. Weird. I've done it too. But it's strange to think of. Oh! Don't eat too much candy!!! Like me.

This is the time of year I'm missing my "life." I barely remember what a life felt like, but I know once upon a time I had one. And it was okay and most of all, it was secure... There's so much to be said about comfortability, isn't there? Sigh. Ry and I are good, sorta. We seem to argue alot, but it might just be tension. I'll be glad to see him at Thanksgiving.

We've decided to live together when he gets here.

Big step, I know. My head screams WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING and my heart says But, I want to! Curse of a gemini, i think. Regardless, it's a simple matter: If he continues forward the way he's been since August, we'll be okay. We'll be perfect. But, if it goes back to the way it used to be, if he starts acting like he's "got" me, then I'm back to square one again having to do what I did before. I know it's a very real possibility that he just wants what he doesn't have, and I'll be paying close attention to that. My heart tells me it will all be fine. I love him, and he loves me. We've got all we need, right?

Tonight we're watching a movie. We've had a strange couple of days. Hopefully we can have a good night.

Sorry I haven't been around guys, but I wish you all well. I hope you're happy and productive and NOT gaining weight like I've been.

I'm at 152. There, I said it out loud. Shudder...

xoxo - me

Four years ago today, I was married. It was a beautiful fall day. And, though I love my Ryan more than anything, I feel so very sad.

Dear C.A.P... Here's to the memories. I wish you so much joy and even more love...

-jasmine

I have never really went through the Before and Afters on here (ya know, the thing where you mouse over the pic). And, it is so inspiring.

I realized today that the reason I haven't really looked at those picture was because they all seemed old to me. Now, I know that's not fair, but it's plain truth that we are subconciously drawn to people our age... people we think might be "like us." Well, today I moused over and I realized to my surprise, alot of those people ARE young. You just couldn't tell and it blew me away. How can fat age us so tremendously?

I just feel so inspired right now. I'm so very lucky to have done this when I did it...

In all things, there is a time. I have learned over and over again that when you let go and let God, things will simply fall into place.

I'm so thankful.

~jazz

Ok, I'm uh... officially frustrated, if you know what I mean?

This long distance thing is HARD!!! I miss that man! I feel like I have a porno going through my head today. Gah!

ugh...

Yes, that is my mantra these days.

I haven't gained a pound, but I certainly haven't lost any. Any muscle that was once abs has dissolved to fat and now when I sit I have the dreaded "roll." Let's all shudder together. 

Ya, so I've gotta nip this in the bud. I have a hottie man and I'm not gonna go getting fat on him. So... I'm sitting here eating popcorn, which compared to what I've been eating is healthy as it gets and sore as hellllllio from the gym. Ah... I remember when I actually LIKED that feeling... I'm sure I'll get back to that.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the country, my RyRy is out watching strippers. lol. Yes, strippers. It's his buddy's bday lol. He actually wasn't going to go at all because he said if it were the other way around, he wouldn't want me to go. But, I honestly don't mind at all. (Now, if he was getting a lap dance or something, I'd care, but I trust him. Completely.) So, ya... he's off with his boys at a strip club. lol... Boys! 

I think I"m going to curl up with an Agatha Christie and read the rest of my night away. 

Buenos Noches (I'm working on it!)
~jazz

I'm sure I spelled that wrong, but it means What happened with you? (Everyone around me here speaks Spanish all the time. I don't, but I'm learning.)

I swear. I think that I get the periods and Ryan gets the PMS.

lol. Last night he was super sweet. Today, he's clipped in his responses.

MooooDY! Sigh... Gotta love a scorpio man. :)



~jazz

Isn't it funny how food seems to be my answer for everything?

Ok, so maybe it's not funny, but it's true, just the same. I miss him. It's plain and simple. I miss him and I get really lonely. So I eat and I eat and I eat some more. Not cool.

I'm getting better, I think. Busier, to say the least. Work is bonkers. I joined LA Fitness and I've been working on meeting people on meetup.com -- book clubs, writing group, girls night out. Haven't went to one yet, but have one scheduled for this Saturday. A hike. We'll see how that goes.

Sat. night I'm going to this poetry open mic at a local coffee shop. Ry's not thrilled cause this guy invited me (cause he's reading) who Ryan thinks is a threat. He's not. Would I consider dating the guy if there wasn't a Ryan? Well, um, YES. But, there IS a Ryan and Ryan is all I want. Truly. But, ya know... It's the green-eyed monster rearing it's ugly head. It happens to me alot too... Like when I think about him being within a mile of his ex who he still sorta has feelings for and me here 2500 miles away... Like woah... Ya, did I mention this long distance thing sux?...

Ya... anywho. Been busy, trying to make friends and build a life by myself. lol. And by the time I do that, he'll be here and doing the same for himself.

He's been super moody lately. Kinda depressed and sad. He feels like things are just sorta shutting down there for him. And it seems to be right. I wish he would look at that as driving momentum to get him where he wants to be. He says he wants to be here. So... we'll see. I believe him now. For better or worse, I believe him. He's following through on all that he's said, and for the first time he's acting like the kind of man I've always wanted. Will he keep it up? Everytime I think he'll drop the "act" he does something that tells me it's actually not an act. But he's so moody. One day he's great, the next day it feels like he's locked himself inside and threw away the key.

We've always been a roller coaster though, haven't we? I don't want us to be like that. I think the ride is getting smoother. It needs to. I really really miss him today. 

Life is strange, and I feel weird today.

tootles,
jazz