Question:
Is it normal to be embarrassed/ashamed that is has come to surgery to lose weight?
I find myself not wanting people to know I am doing this. I've come up with "I have to have my gallbladder out", if people find out about the surgery, and am terrified that those people that I have told about the surgery will tell others. I have feelings of embarrassment and shame because it has come to having to have surgery to lose weight. Please tell me I'm not alone!!!! If you've gone through this too, how did you get past it? — Janet C. (posted on October 22, 2001)
October 22, 2001
Girl, I was the same way!.. Although I am a pre-op I found myself scared to
tell anyone that I was having the surgery for the fear that I'll be thought
of as the girl who was too lazy to lose the weight on her own. But I have
come to terms that this is a tool.. I could outsmart this surgery if I
could but I have to have the willpower to accept that this is a tool and
not a quick fix.. I have also accepted that regardless of what people this
I KNOW that this is the best option for me. GOD BLESS!
— AliciasMommy
October 22, 2001
I know precisely what you're going through. Problem is, if you already
told some people that you are having the surgery, then it's only a matter
of time until the world knows. Remember, a secret is no longer a secret
when more than one person knows. Now, should you be embarrassed? HELL
NO!!! You are saving your life. If anything, what you are doing is
courageous and admirable. You are undergoing surgery to save your life,
whereby,making you deny yourself all of the things that have given you
comfort for so long. Would these opinionated people be willing to deny
themselves like that? To make the conscious decision and intentionally do
it? Fortunately for them they've enver been in the position so it's easy
for them to throw the stones. A mere 3% of dieters achieve their goal
weight and keep it off. You are doing something that works and you should
be proud of yourself. I know I am proud of myself. And I don't give a
rat's ass what people have to say anymore. I wish I told them from the
beginning... but now that I fudged the truth, there's no turning back.
Keep your chin up...and know that you are doing whatever you need to do to
save your life... that's courage!
— Jeannet
October 22, 2001
Hi Janet,
I had my surgery on October 2. I came up with your exact same lie -- got
my gall bladder out. Trouble is I live in a small community and some
people found out. Now I just don't care. Whatever! My cousin e-mailed me
this morning and said my mom had told her I got my gall-bladder removed but
"someone else" told her I'd really had gastric bypass. So I just
said yes I did and I guess you just can't keep anything private around
here!
I understand your feelings because I feel the same way. but it really
doesn't matter what they think. Once it's done and you have been
successful I think you'll care even less.
— Jennifer H.
October 22, 2001
Only my sister ( who has been a 100 pounder her whole
adult life)my husband and 12 year old son know I will have the surgery. I
will not tell my mom/mother in law because they won't understand. They
will just tell me to eat saleds
and run 10 miles a day!!!! At my job I plan to tell them
also gall bladder surgery/ abdominal surgery to have a benign growth
removed ( ha!) I too, fear the " I don't think that's a safe surgery
sweetie" from my co-workers.
Ashamed NO!!! would you be ashamed of chemo if you had cance? Like the
other poster said you are saving your life!!
God Bless
— Cindee A.
October 22, 2001
I know just how you feel. I am the type of person not embarrassed about
any of my decisions--generally open and never care what anybody thinks as
long as I know what I am doing is right. But for some reason this is
different. Sometimes I think it is that people will see me as weak for
having to resort to this; sometimes I think it is because I am surrounded
by so many negative people who will use it as a "weapon" when
they want to get to me; and some times I relate back to comments at work (I
work in a man's field) when I was pregnant--joking that I only was having a
baby to get a free vacation, and men arguing that how come they didn't get
6 weeks for having a baby. I told them as long as they got their guts or
croch cut open as part of the process, they probably could! Anyway, I
figure that eventually I'll tell when my confidence is better and I'm back
to not caring about what other people think about what I do that I know is
right.
— Anita J.
October 22, 2001
Don't feel bad about feeling embarrassed. It's not easy to come to the
realization that you can't control yourself when it comes to eating. After
going to doctors who said "All you have to do is eat less and exercise
more, you don't need to have something as drastic as this done", it
gets a little intimidating. The important thing is, YOU realize that you
have a problem and you need help. The surgery is no end-all, it's just a
tool. YOU still have to make the right choices because you can sabotage
the surgery. Don't worry about others, just get your own life in order.
Gall bladder surgery is a good cover. If you get to the point where you
want to tell others, you always can. In the meantime, just tell them
you're eating less and excercising more
— Adrianne S.
October 22, 2001
I'm a receptionist and when i told a fella one day, i thought i was going
to have to give him CPR ha. If people find out, its no big deal to me, but
anyone who trys their negative stuff gets this from me "AH
AH..nope..No body gets a vote except God, Mike (my husgand) Me (and my
surgeon of course). That's it!!!!!! No one else. And we all vote YES!!!!
Oh yes, I've had a lot of negative things said, but they have problems too,
other types, and they don't stop their meds or what ever their doing to
correct their problem...and I'm not stopping either!!! Not unless God says
stop...and shuts a door..then I will find another door and try something
else...Life goes on!!!!
— Jackiis
October 22, 2001
Well, I don't know if it's "normal" to be ashamed, but you
certainly are not alone. As a pre-op I was in denial about what I was going
to do, even as I was telling everyone about the surgery. I was one of those
people who never realized exactly how big I had gotten. However, my
diabetes was out of control despite 3-5 insulin shots a day as well as two
different oral meds. Everyone knew how much trouble I was having getting
the blood sugars under control, so I would say that I was having the
surgery SOLELY for the purpose of controling the diabetes. Of course,
inside, I was ashamed that it took surgery to lose weight, and while it was
true about the diabetes, I also acted as if the weight thing wasn't even an
issue. I have always been upfront and honest about the surgery from the
time I made the decision. Fortunately, I have plenty of support, not just
from family and friends, but from colleagues and aquaintances. Believe it
or not, whenever I spoke to people about it, all they could do was wish me
luck and say they were very happy that there was some way to control my
diabetes. Now that I've lost 93 pounds, the people around me are ecstatic!
Also, a colleague of mine decided to have the surgery (RNY) as well and she
is doing fantastic. So while you are not alone in being embarrassed, there
truly is nothing to be ashamed of. You are taking control of your health as
well as your outer appearance. That takes much more courage and willpower
than to continue doing the same old things that we just KNOW do not work.
Whether or not others around you are supportive, just do what you know is
best for you. Good luck!
— Maria H.
October 22, 2001
Don't be embarrassed, you are doing something for your health. I on the
other hand was never embarrassed and told so many people, even ones I
didn't know. I guess I was just sick of people seeing me as the fat girl,
and that I had let myself go and didn't care. By telling people I was
having surgery, I was showing them that I did care, and that I wasn't going
to let being fat end and or ruin my life. Don't worry what other people
think, worry about you , your health and your happiness.
— Carey N.
October 22, 2001
Janet, I too, felt alot like you. I did not tell anyone
except my closest friends at work, and of course my
immediate family. I did not even tell my parents, I thought
they'd rag me about it too. Come to find out they were very
glad I did this. After the surgery, when I went back to work, word had
spread that I had the "courage" to do this,
and many said, including my boss, "I'm so proud of you"...I
was stunned to say the least. I had no idea it took courage
or pride to have this surgery, but others did. Now I am
revered as having the courage to get healthy, even by means
of surgery. I realize now, near 4 mos. post op silastic ring
gastroplasty and 52 lbs down, that it did take alot of
courage. Because it's the easiest, but hardest thing I've
ever done in my life. Good luck to you.
— Maureen P.
October 22, 2001
I was embarrassed and to ashamed to admit that the only way I could lose
weight was with surgery. I told all of my family and my in-laws as well. My
brother had died suddenly a year before my surgery and I didn't want them
to be caught off guard in the VERY unlikely event that anything happened to
me. I told two women at work and asked them to keep it confidential - one
did and one didn't. I hadn't even told my new boss (he had only been there
10 days before my surgery) what I was going to be out for. About 10 days
after surgery word got back to me that the one lady had been
"sharing" about my surgery with others. I ended up calling my
boss and telling him myself so that he wouldn't hear it from anyone else. I
am no longer ashamed that I had surgery - I'm proud that I had the strength
to do what I needed to do to get healthy again.
— georgiacarol
October 22, 2001
I'm not telling anyone, except my immediate family, because I have told
everyone before "I'm going on a diet" and never lost any weight,
looked and felt like a failure. I have also had many many jobs and could
not keep them because of my weight and there feel like a failure
again...get the connection? I'm just going to tell them I went on another
diet again, and this time it worked. Also my friends and family don't live
in the same satae as I do.
— [Anonymous]
October 22, 2001
I have never felt any embarassment about having the surgery. When I made
the decision to pursue it, I went to one of my bosses and told her I was
considering making a life-changing decision. When I told her what I was
wanting to do, she started crying and came and hugged me. I knew that she
had once been overweight but what I didn't know was that she had had a VGB.
She is about 5'3" tall and now wears a size 6-8 - she weighed 358
pounds when she had her surgery. She told me that she had wanted to
suggest the surgery to me, but was hesitant because she was afraid I would
be offended.
After talking with her, I went and told my other boss and he was equally as
supportive. I really haven't had any negative feedback from anyone. Most
of my co-workers know and all are very supportive. One has made some snide
comments about how I soon wouldn't be able to drink cokes or eat a candy
bar - and how wonderful that would be. She's the type that comments on the
quantity of food everyone eats so I ignore her.
The only people who don't know (as far as I know) are the ones I don't
associate with and they don't matter. I feel like shouting it from the
rooftops. I talk about it all the time with everyone. Most will be happy
when the surgery is over so I'll shut up. You see, I don't see this
surgery as a final resort or something that "I have finally come
to". I view it as a God-given tool to help me take control of my
life before it's too late. We are not morbidly obese because we choose to
be - we have an illness, and it is a complicated illness comprised of many
aspects.
I hope you will soon not feel embarrassed by this wonderful happening. You
are being pro-active and taking control. Enjoy it and run with it.
Patty
— Patty_Butler
October 22, 2001
Thanks for asking that question, and thanks for all the responses. My
husband is having surgery soon, and I have felt guilty that if I had done
more then my husband wouldn't need surgery. I know wife's of alcoholics
can become co-dependent, can the same thing happen to food addicts?
Anyways, I have to understand that this is not my fault and not my
husband's. It would not do any of us any good to continue to feel guilty,
or any other negative feeling. I can't change the past I can only work on
the future. I'm trying to be positive and I am proud of my man and anyone
else who has surgery. To me it is like having surgery for a bursted
appendex, the scar will be similar and it will also be life saving. I have
told a few people that my husband is having surgery, but not my family
cause they would worry and say I told you he wouldn't be able to lose the
weight, and everything from him getting the flu to the computer crashing
will be a long term complication of this sugery. My husband is very
excited and is telling everyone and even has two people @ work waiting to
see how he does, because they are intrested for themselves. Writting, and
reading all the responses has helped me to be more knowledgeable and
accepting, thanks, good luck.
— [Anonymous]
October 22, 2001
I KNOW EVERYONES FEELINGS ARE DIFFERENT BUT FOR ME, I AM NOT ASHAMED. I
KNOW THAT AFTER I HAVE THIS SURGERY I WILL BE HEALTHIER AND LIVE A LONG
HAPPY LIFE. I WILL GET TO SEE MY CHILDREN GROW AND HOPEFULLY GRANDCHILDREN.
THIS IS THE BEST CHOICE I HAVE MADE IN YEARS AND I AM VERY PROUD OF IT.
GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR WEIGHT LOSS STEPS AND MAYBE THOSE ENCOURAGING THOUGHTS
ABOVE WILL MAKE IT NOT SO HARD FOR YOU!
— Cathy B.
October 22, 2001
Hey, we have a DISEASE, and its nothing to be ashamed of. Would you be
embarased if you needed surgery to remove your appendix? NO! So why be
embarased? If you dont tell everyone pre op certinally tell them post op! I
am proud of my decision and my loss. NOTHING to be ashamed of at all....
Besides your not doing this to become a model, we are all doing it for our
health.
— bob-haller
October 23, 2001
I still feel the way that you describe in your ?.It has been a year + and I
am still not past it. I also admire
you for having the courage to ask and get people thinking and
talking about it. The poster thatsaid about telling when she
was going on another diet and then only to fail that has been
part of my fear- that this too will fail. I am down 100lbs and
have a hard time seeing it, I know that I move different and
my clothes are a different size and just with in the past few
weeks have people been asking if I have lost weight- I say "yes,
some" because of the fear of being made fun of and maybe I guess
I don't have the faithfull friend of gorging myself with some
calorie loaded dozen eclairs to help me out- I just try to
keep myself safe from the preditors and the shame that I have
felt about myself for years. Don't get me wrong this was the
best decision that I have EVER made for myself and would do it
again in the next 15 minute if need be but I still feel it is
my private decision. To each their own- good luck to you and
your own choices in who you tell and what you tell them. Mostly
speedy recovery and happy loosing :o).
— [Anonymous]
October 23, 2001
I think those of us who are "embarrassed" about wls and who
don't what to tell other people really are saying is that they
are afraid of the shame and embarrassment of *failing* yet another
weight loss attempt. That's why so many of us (...myself included)
start out keeping our surgery private and "go public" after we
start
losing weight. We know we haven't "failed" again. I think your
feelings
are quite normal. If you aren't comfortable disclosing the type of
surgery you are having...don't. You aren't required to tell friends and
co-workers (...especially co-workers) until you truly want to. I would
stay
away for "gallbladder surgery" because if you have some post-op
complications
you'll be exposed. I went with the "gastrointestinal surgery".
If anyone was
rude enough to want to know more, I just said "Oh..do you have an
hour?"...and
then I changed the subject. Be prepared that as you lose weight, everyone
you know
will ask questions and make comments. Why shouldn't they? When someone
loses 100lbs.
in a matter of months, that's big news.
— [Anonymous]
March 14, 2002
I feel the same way sometimes, but you have to remember you are doing this
for yourself and not for other people. You want to be healthy and have more
energy. Some people may not understand, but I would ingnore them because in
my HO they will only bring you down and have you doubting your decision. In
the end it really isn't their business and it is your decision to allow
them into yor personal affairs. This shows that you are willing and strong
enough to make a change in your life and you should not be ashamed I the
least. I myself am hoping to have this surgery and am going through the
whole process day by day. I still find myself in that self-destructive
phase of being embarassed, but I try to get rid of those negative feelings.
It is nice to have support (especially people to snap me out of it), so try
not to rule out telling some people, just tell those you trust 100%. If it
comes down to it get a penpal and an Angel to help you through. Good Luck.
— Caroline C.
March 14, 2002
Normal to feel this way yes. Necessary? No. Remember we live in a culture
that judges those with obesity as gluttonous, one of the seven deadly sins.
It implies that those who are morbidly obese are the moral equivalent of
murderers. Given we live in the culture, we have adapted to the thinking
of the culture, so we judge ourselves as harshly as others judge us. I
mean really, who wants to touch the unclean? But, given that we have the
opportunity, much like alcoholics did 20 years ago, to educate people about
the DISEASE aspect, why be ashamed? I tried conservative medical measures
(specific diet and medication) for the treatment of my gall bladder
disease, but when they failed, I had surgery to remove it. I have tried
conservative measures to manage how my body generates and maintains fat
cells, and the conservative treatment measures failed me. Therefore I went
to a more radical treatment, that has been effective. I am almost
"cured" and live with the assurance that I will never have to
deal with the issue again. Praise God, Allah, Higher Power, Univeral
Supreme Being of your choice!!! Just like I had little control over
getting morbidly obese, I don't take credit for having lost the weight,
either. When people say, "You should be proud of yourself!", I
am proud that I had the persistence to keep looking for a solution to the
problem. The weight loss has been easy now that the condition that caused
it has been corrected. Well, that is my soapbox for today. May we all be
blessed by the new opportunities given us now that we have our lives back.
And I mean that especially for my brothers and sisters who started this at
400+ pounds.
— merri B.
January 3, 2003
Yes, I think it's perfectly normal to feel that way. I do. At first I
wanted to keep it a secret because I was embarrased it had come to this,
but now I feel more proud of myself for choosing to DO something about it.
When someone looks at me, and I feel embarrased about my weight, I feel
like telling them 'I'm on the way to doing something about it! I won't be
like this for much longer!' Don't get down on yourself for feeling this
way. Soon, all that will matter is the healthier, thinner YOU.
— Heidi H.
January 3, 2003
I never felt a bit of embarrassment, only relief that the medical community
had finally come to it's senses in realizing that dieting for morbidly
obese people was an ineffective treatment and they had finally found a
treatment that works: bariatric surgery. I believe that it is ridiculous
to blame the victim when the treatment doesn't work; they call that adding
insult to injury. But then, being able to reject the notion that I was at
fault for being fat took some time and improved self esteem. As a result,
just like I felt no shame for being fat, I take no pride in having lost
weight. I didn't cause it, I couldn't control it and I was persistent in
finding someone who could cure it. THAT is what I am proud of, but I am
compassionate to my fellow MO brothers and sisters who lack the spirit that
it takes to keep on fighting for appropriate treatment in an ignorant and
corrupt medical system. Searing indictment? You betcha...fortunately, not
all doctors are ignorant or corrupt. For them, I am extrememly grateful!
— merri B.
January 3, 2003
Wow, this question makes me sad...although I'm glad to see that it was
posted years ago; hopefully the poster isn't ashamed anymore. I am DAMN
PROUD of what I did. I was a little embarrassed at first, but that is so
unlike me that I examined my embarrassment. And what I found is that I
felt that by "confessing" to the surgery, I was telling people
that I was obese. Like they wouldn't notice otherwise. I guess in the
back of my mind I thought that if I didn't tell them about the surgery,
they would still see me as a size 4. Ha! But I'll tell you, I sure got
over that silliness quickly. And now...well, I tell everyone. I took
control of my life, and for once, did something to save it. I rock. And
everyone, EVERYONE, who goes through this surgery, rocks too.
— Tamara K.
January 3, 2003
If you have a problem... you find a sollution!
Be proud!@!@ Never do anything you think you'll be ashamed of.
— Shannon R.
January 3, 2003
Just a P.S. to my last... the next time you feel mbarrassed/ashamed just
think of the THONG!!!!
— Shannon R.
January 3, 2003
Ashamed of the surgery? You mean the one that is solving the problem of me
getting stuck in a turnstile? Not anymore -- but I know what you mean. I
told only 4 people at work who I could trust and they were extremely
supportive. One of them (size 6 and lives on junk food) didn't even call it
'elective'. I was shocked. As it turns out, she has relatives who are
very obese and she is familar with their struggles. My aunt, who had just
lost 90 pounds through diet and exercise, suprised me too. Her philosophy
is that she feels so much better since her weight loss that everyone should
do whatever they need to do to get themselves healthy. I agree with the
other posters - would you feel ashamed of needing chemo, an appendectomy,
or insulin? Of course not! I chose to tell a few more people after my
surgery because at that point there's no point of trying to talk me out of
it. People may surprise you.
— Yolanda J.
January 7, 2003
I haven't had my surgery yet but I tell EVERYONE about it. Actually they
are probably tired of hearing me go on about it. They do seem supportive
and happy for me tho. I have several overweight friends that say if they
were younger, if they had better ins etc. Maybe I will help them to decide
if they want this too. Who knows. If they ask me for info I'll direct them
here of course and well as share my info I collected.
— Jamie M.
February 8, 2003
I can Understand the feeling of embarassment. I felt embarassed. I wanted
to share this with a co-worker that I had become friends with. In our
society, being fat is not accepted. And Americans spend
"billions" of dollars on weight loss products. It is ingrained
in us that you lose weight thru dieting. And only the strong can commit
and lose weight. So, I feel ashame, because its sort of like an
admission...... that I have no control and can't diet to lose. Of course,
that's not the truth. I have tried, only to gain more weight each year. I
guess when I think about it. It reminds me of the drug addicts who refuse
to admit they have a problem. Everyone else can see it but them. Well, I
felt embarassed because I felt like I was admitting I have a problem and
seeking surgery confirms it. I have a problem, (I need to lose weight) but
I don't think I created the problem. But I do acknowledge I need help. I
have come to the conclusion that I will overcome feeling ashamed. But I
understand it.
— yh1401
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