Feeling Better!

I have not been posting for a while because I have been dooowwwn.  I have felt down about food, eating things I shouldn't, worrying about what I was eating, feeling hungry, not wanting to log, and just generally like a petulant child.  I posted on the maintenance board and got some great replies and I wanted to share with all of you what I learned.  I took some advice and it really, really helped.  I decided to look at what was not right besides my feelings about food.  Because how I feel about food is usually not my problem.  Food is a way I try to manage my feelings about life.

So here's what I realized.  I have been very down about work for the past month or so.  I am an engineer, but I am responsible for business development (read: sales) in my area and while I've developed a pretty good attitude about the kind of rejection you get in this area, I had some pretty disappointing losses in December that hit me pretty hard - jobs I'd really wanted and put a lot of myself into winning.  This is why I have been overall successful, but the amount of investment I can make personally leaves me a little vulnerable when things don't work out.  I usually think I've got it under control, but I have not really acknowledged how disappointing the last month or so has been.

I also did not get selected for an internal position I'd applied for, and that also really bummed me out because I'm used to being very successful at work and I was getting judged by a group of people that didn't know me (i.e., my reputation didn't reach into their area).  I have so much of my sense of self wrapped up in work, especially since the kids have grown up.  It's mostly a good thing - I get lots of kudos and this is an important time to excel in order to entrench myself for the next 10 years heading to retirement.  Consulting is a brutal environment and you pretty much have to constantly be doing the razzle-dazzle to stay employed.  So when they said I wasn't selected, I was like WTF!!  I am the best person for that job and you all are idiots for not selecting me!!  And then I felt pissed off and rejected and (dare I say) petulant.

When I get like this - feeling sorry for myself - the monkey tells me all his usual lies about food and I think I started believing some of them!  Like, poor you, you would feel better if you ate X, or poor you, you lost all this weight and you still didn't win that project, or poor you, why deny yourself X when everything else has gone wrong.  Just a big long litany of "poor you's" that crazy addict brain telling me food should fix it.  And then I eat X, feel hungry, feel pissed off I feel hungry, monkey says, see, why did you even have surgery? Just go eat some cheesecake!  Then I dig myself into "poor you" a little deeper.  The thing I forget is that trying to fix things with food ALWAYS makes it worse.  ALWAYS.  Without exception.  And I forget because I have an addict brain.  My pride really wants you all to know I have stayed out of the sugar, this is so important to me, but have eaten all sorts of things I've avoided since surgery, like mashed potatoes, bread, starchy casseroles. 

I have not lost myself into the food, but I have successfully distracted myself from my feelings of rejection and disappointment by feeling pitiful and petulant about food.  It is a privilege to log my food, not a punishment.  I chose to not eat the cheesecake, it's not a punishment.  Peace of mind around food is the most important thing, because it allows me the mental room to experience the rest of my life.  I *am* disappointed we did not win the projects we lost in December, but we are covered up in work and we will not starve next year.  I am grateful we had so many opportunities to propose on work, because you never win if they don't ask you for a proposal.  I *am* disappointed I didn't get this position, but I trust that if they didn't want me, it wouldn't have been a good fit.  Something else will come along.

I have a wonderful family.  My partner (of 25 years) and I will be spending Christmas with her sister, her sister's daughter, our girls and one of their boyfriends (fiance!).  There will be skiing.  I am a normal size and will be able to rent ski clothes.  I have the physical stamina to walk around in the snow, up and down hills, and I'm going to take a ski lesson.  A therapist told me once we all juggle balls - love life, work life, family life.  It's very rare for all the balls to be in the same place at the same time.  I have to be able to appreciate the big picture even if one of the balls is not at the top.  The best of days pass and the worst of days pass. 

Great post Happy. I had no idea all of this was going on for you. I am glad you are coming out of this on the other side with new enlightenment. We can learn important lessons when faced with adversity. Merry Christmas to you. Enjoy skiing. Sounds like a great time with family. Enjoy and be happy.

Thanks, Mimi!  Hugs to you.  I feel like I'm coming out on the other side.

Thanks for sharing your heart, Happy! Merry Christmas!
My self talk includes ...my job, others words and/or actions...ect. (fill in the blank) do not define me. I am defined by who I am in Christ Jesus!
That monkey can sure be hateful !!!

SO GLAD to see you again, Happy! You were so very supportive and helpful to me in the early days of my journey. I can completely relate to your struggles, as many can, I'm sure. Even winners don't win ALL the time. If we did, it wouldn't be as sweet, I guess. The important thing is to know that it makes you no less a winner. You have changed your life and that of your loved ones. Hell, you've helped change MINE, for that matter. This Christmas trip should be an awesome reminder of that and all the stuff that REALLY matters! I'm excited for you, hope to see pics of your new skinny, sexy self on some skis, sister!

Very, very insightful post--thanks for sharing it with us.  Especially your description of your thoughts about food as reward or punishment--that really resonates with me.  And I'm writing down one thought to keep with me at all times:  "Trying to fix things with food ALWAYS makes it worse.  ALWAYS".  Words to live by.  Thanks again; have a great time on the ski trip!

 we all juggle balls - love life, work life, family life. It's very rare for all the balls to be in the same place at the same time. I have to be able to appreciate the big picture even if one of the balls is not at the top. The best of days pass and the worst of days pass.

 

Oh thank you.....This has been my struggle this week(s). Just thanks!

Love this forum....I'm never alone.

Hi sweetie --hadn't seen you in so long!  Sounds like it has been a really draining period --exactly when that freakin' monkey appears. Glad you're feeling better!  PM to come!

So glad you are feeling better Happy. Its so easy to get super bummed about job stuff because so many things that seem unfair can happen and are out of your control. Thats what really creates stress - having stuff happen thats out of your control. And being a skilled professional makes it even worse. I used to do business development along with the actual work when I was in the real world so I feel your pain. Its great that you realize food is not the answer. That was my big response to job stress too. I was lucky to be able to retire - not sure I could have done the weight loss think if I hadn't, though being retired into the arts didn't make me eat less.

Anyway, you are wise to recognize its all in your attitude - you can't change lots of stuff that happens but you can adjust your attitude toward it. Job sucess is valuable but its not the be-all end-all that we sometimes think. Your family is what matters. And yay for you for skiing. wish i could go with you!!!!   Diane