Marriage on the Rocks

I'm not sure if this is a different Laura, or if you're referring to "Doctor" Laura.  If Dr. Laura... well... I'd sooner take abstinence lessons from Bristol Palin.

Thats fine  quite a few people don't like her and really either do I. But that said I'm married going on 34 years now and theres a lot of stradagy in the book never mind the author. Proofs in the pudding I say ....take what applies to you ...works for you... and try to make the best out of it for you. She said she really has nowhere to go. My intentions were well intended and not ugly.

Hi Gloria, So sorry you are in the situation that you are but I can tell you from personal experience that you will be fine. There will be tough days and there will days you amaze yourself with your strength. You are a strong, resourceful, woman that has so much going for you. Hang in there and do what needs to be done for your happiness and don't look back!

Dottie

A couple of random thoughts in no particular order.

1)   I agree with the person above, start saving money now.  Develop a strategy.   If you expect him to fight dirty, find out who the top 3-5 divorce attorneys are in your region and visit all of them.  Once they have discussed the case with you, your spouse cannot hire them...so make sure he gets stuck with a dog.

2)  Fat is often our protection from ...   whatever it is.   Women who've been sexual abused often use fat so men won't consider them attractive.   I realized I ate to stuff my thoughts & words, and then drank to give myself the courage to say them anyway.   It appears you're using it to protect yourself from this toxic relationship...but what if it's something else?  I think if you get to the bottom of that, you'll be well on your way.

3)  You'd be amazed at what you can do when you have to do it.  When our backs are up against the wall, we often surprise ourselves with the strength we didn't know we had. 

4)  I think a counselor is a good idea.  I started working with the one associated with the bariatric practice after I had surgery.  He understands the entire WLS process, knows the various stages you'll go through, etc so that eliminates the learning curve on his part real fast.   We often just have a conversation about what's happening in my life in general, and he quickly detects themes that tie back to concerns about my weight gain in the first place.  

5)  I'm not judging, so accept this in the spirit in which it is intended (which is only to try to help)...but it might help to see a counselor to determine why marriage doesn't seem to work long term for you.   Maybe there is a connection between it and your weight gain.

Sometimes just having a plan in place relieves a lot of burden...you know you've got a choice so you feel less trapped.  It may be that as you lose weight and decide to move on, he may respond to you differently and things could work out.   Often we think our spouses aren't attracted to us because of our weight, not realizing it's our attitude that they are responding too.    My husband keeps telling me he's amazed by how much happier I am - and it's no coincidence our marriage is better than ever.  When I was unhappy, I wasn't fun to be around.  I thought it was because I was fat, but it was because I wasn't happy.

Good luck.   I once read that every relationship serves a purpose, no matter how toxic.  Sometimes they just teach you about what you don't want, and help you appreciate a better relationship that much more.  I also joke with my hubby (2nd marriage for both of us) that he had to marry his first wife so he'd appreciate me!

Hugs

tg

My husband number one going on 34 years has never said an unkind word about my weight and I am huge when I was thinking about the surgery it took me about 4 years till I did it 2/24/11 RNY. I've lost 59 # lbs and already he's been saying I'm a happier person. Maybe I was more miserable than I thought. In pain everyday legs killing me and I was probably not the greatest to be around your right. Well on the road to a healthier us...Best of luck! Debbie

when my marriage started to go south and I did not want to leave yet, I began to live AROUND my husband. I began to do things to better myself. I still cooked and kept house to some degree, but I came first always. When I was ready to leave, I knew I WAS READY. I had gone to school, talked with my parents, as I was much younger, made living arrangements and so on. We have divorced several yrs ago now and are friends, but it was more calm for everyone. No fights and all that stuff. He was still mean as hell, but I was hardly home and when I was I ignored the hell out of him. LMAO

You have to do what feels right for you. Don't stay if you think that he will hurt you, but if you are able to stick it out, get your surgery, get healed, and then get gone!!!!

  Thank you al again, don't know what I'd done without your support. I kept coming to the computer for comfort and you've all given it. Lorraine, I'm going to make that my plan for now. I  deserve to be happy. Him and I talked and he's agreed to move with his daughter untill we can sell the house and I get well. I still need you guys to help  me make the adjustment, please stay with me- I love you all

It sounds like your husband could be abusive. Abuse can be physical or it can be mental. I would check out resources in your area for abused women and see if they have recommendations for resources. Also check in with a local senior center or legal aid association and see if they can offer any help. Best of luck. No matter what your age or weight, you deserve to be happy and free of a toxic relationship.