Marriage on the Rocks

Hi Gloria,
You touch my heart. I'm so sorry you are scared. It makes me think of my Mom...she is alone and I know she often feels scared as well. Mom is older...she is 66 and a retired nurse. She has a host of medical problems but weight is not one of them. She has not been able to work for years because of a brain tumor she had and it caused some permanent damage.

She divorced my Dad about 9 years ago. She remarried a new guy, divorced him 2 years later, remarried him again and he asked for another divorce a week after she had a heart attack....nice guy! She said she felt like a fool and a failure.

Neither is true for either of you. Bad things happen to good people. You have a sweet and kind heart, I can tell. Don't give up. You are looking into weight loss surgery? If you are, better health is coming to you soon. It is not too late to be healthy and happy. You will see. OH people can be very sweet and supportive. We will be here but it's too bad you don't have us closer to you.

I say stay with the marriage and get that surgery if you can.  Who knows, maybe things will work out if you feel better about yourself...if not, ditch the ass...lol! I hope you are feeling better. I'm headed to bed for the night, it's storming here in East Tennessee.             Connie

You have gotten some stellar advice.

I second the one about going to the best divorce attorneys in your town, and pay for a consult. It takes them out of his pool of attorneys. (I did this too. I went to the attorney who is known for representing men in child custody disputes !)

Put some money away where he can't find it. Open a credit card in your own name. Do not add him to the card. Use a friend's address for the billing address so he won't know.

Take any valueables that are yours and open a safe deposit box and put them in it with the cash you are saving.

Find out the laws about who sues who in your state. Find out about all those things ahead of time.

If he worked, and you didn't or you made less, he may have to pay you support. Find out now.

Make your plan. Don't tell him, or anyone who will tell him. Then work your plan.

You are not too old. You may be too trusting, too sad, too depressed, but you are not too old for anything. Go see your doctor and have him refer you for a psychiatric eval and counseling. If you are depressed, some medication can help that, and some counseling could help too. Maybe you do want to do couples counseling, maybe you are done with him. You decide.

I do not believe that anyone should stay in a relationship where they are not cherished.


I won't bore you with my nasty divorce, but leave it said that yes, it is a challange financially, but I am oh so much happier without him.

As for age. I'm 55 -- but my Dad is 85. We lost my mom to ovarian cancer 8 years ago, after a 52 year long marriage. My Dad met a lovely lady 2 years after mom died, and he and his lady friend travel the country, see resorts, go places, go dancing, out to dinner, have joined a social club and have a more active life than I do !!! And they are 80 and 85 years old. As my dad would say "you are a youngster ! Get out there and enjoy life."

 Dear Rose, thank you for caring. I can't believe how many caring people are on this site. I have to find my inner strengh to get through this. Maybe I'll met a great man like your Dad someday.

Get the surgery and then re-evaluate how you feel. If you still feel the same way then make plans to be on your own.  I am 53 and understand how you are afraid of being on your own. Most people feel more empowered as the weight starts coming off and you may find yourself less afraid. 

   Sounds like a good plan, thanks for caring

 Are you happilly married? I hope you're right.

I am but have read of a number of people on these boards who have rid themselves of a mate who was not good for them after WLS. I have a friend in real life who is doing that now.

  I wonder if she as scared as I am. Wish I knew what her steps were.

I am sure she is scared but knows it is best for her. Her soon to be ex is an alcoholic and she cannot live like that any more. I cannot tell you how she went about it but she was pretty upbeat about the situation and fine with it.

Fear is your ball and chain.  Let it go.  Stay calm and make plans.  Find out what resources are there for you in your area.

Detach from him in the calmest least confrontation way you can muster.  Put yourself first but don't let on to him that you are doing that.  Fake it till you make it.

Good luck