One year post-op - Feeling pride and shame all at once (pics)

Hi All!

May 31st was my one year surgiversary. I didn't post about it because I felt so ashamed that I am not being as successful as I hoped I would be with this surery. In my mind, I would be at goal, or at least in the century club by this point.  But as we all know, the surgery was on our stomachs, not our heads. And therein lies my problem.

I have discovered over this past year that this surgery was no miracle cure. It is working for me just like every other diet I have ever attempted has.  They have always had a 6 month expiration date. I can't seem to "stick with it" beyond that point and slip back into old habits. I know what to do. I know what not to do. I just can't seem to get myself to obey the rules. RNY is no miracle cure. I have to do the work. And I am fighting to overcome my own food demons. I have good days and bad days.

My highest weight was 268 pounds. I was 254 on the day of surgery on May 31, 2011. By the end of November, I was down to 180 pounds. I had lost 88 pounds in 6 months.  I was overjoyed.

But then I lost nothing in December or January. A plateau I thought, ignoring the fact that I let a lot of no-no foods and mindless eating slip back into my diet. I wasn't eating large quantities, so what's the problem? I decided that I needed to exercise to break the stall. Jolt my body into burning fat again.

So I started running with the C25K program in February and ran my first 5K on April 21st. It felt AWESOME! But the scale still has not moved. My clothing size has not changed. Am I done losing weight at 40 pounds from my goal, I thought? No. I just need to get my eating back under control.

An example of my food crimes: Last night I ate a whole "king size" portion of Twizzlers with a 16oz glass of 2% milk before going to bed. WTH? And I paid the price in stomach pain and wishing I could make myself throw it back up.

So when my surgiversary hit last Thursday, I was ashamed and disappointed in myself. I have not lost a single pound in 6 months. I am failing, I thought.  Then something happened on Saturday and I thought to myself, "I am not failing! I am 88 pounds lighter than I was one year ago and I am healthy! And I am a runner, dammit!"  So what changed my mind?

I ran another 5K. And my children (4 and 2) and husband were at the finish line cheering me on. My 4 year old daughter ran up to me when I crossed the finish line and gave me a big hug and said, "Mommy, I am so proud of you!".  And that right there was it. One year ago when my surgeon had me write down the reasons I wanted to have RNY surgery, number one on my list was to be healthy and set a good example for my children. And I believe I have achieved that. :)

Hamming it up for the race photog:





Taken one year before, on the day I came home from the hospotal:

 I'm glad you found perspective - it's about healthy & achieving sometimes intangible goals, not just about numbers. Awareness of the problem is often the hardest hurdle. But now that you're aware, is there anything you're gonna change to help you do what you know you need to do to get where you wanna go?
If you're having difficulty with the food demons (and God knows I can empathize!), maybe consider seeing a therapist who specializes in food issues? Or at least make sure you're going to support group(s) regularly. Connecting with others isn't gonna change what you put in your mouth, but the act of investing in yourself can help you reframe & think twice about if the choices you make are doing yourself justice.

You are absolutely right and you know how I know? Because you are everything I wanted for myself! You had surgery just 6 weeks before me and had the same starting weight, and the same goal. And you achieved it! That's awesome! Congrats! I am completely envious.

Unfortunately I cannot find a support around here that fits in my schedule which has been tough. And I'm not convinced that a therapist can help unless he/she is at my side 24/7 slapping the food out of my hands. ;)  I don't eat for any emotional reasons. It's all about the taste of food for me. If something tastes good to me, I will continue to eat it to the point of stomach pain, ignoring fullness cues. Maybe a hypnotist can help? If that stuff really works anyway.....

 Believe it or not, hypnotherapists who specialize in food issues actually exist! The lady who facilitates our support group here in MD does exactly that, as well as regular talk therapy & pre-op evals. Yeah, if your food issues are not due to a deep underlying issue, it can seem that a therapist can't possibly help. But you don't have to have emotional eating or eating disorders or trauma to see a therapist. In full disclosure, I AM a therapist and often see people who just want to discuss how their lives need a little tweaking - nothing major. And food, by evolutionary nature, tastes good to all of us with taste buds. But when you ignore your body signals that tell you that you're full, even to the point of pain - that may not entirely have to do with taste and more to do with how you take care of yourself (or lack thereof).

On the topic of envy - please don't. I haven't run a 5K. There's a saying I like alot: "Comparison is the theif of joy". I completely understand that we're our own worst critics and have amazing powers to minimize our own efforts/accomplishments but can say great & supportive things to others. Hell, I institutionalized that ability into a career! But never forget, that every word you say cutting yourself down falls on those little ears - - you owe it to yourself & your kids to show the world some kick-ass self-esteem!!!

Oh I never utter a negative word in front of my children! I never even dicussed my surgery in terms of 'losing weight' in their presence. All they know is that mommy wasn't taking good care of her body and is working hard to be healthier because it makes me feel great and gives me lots of energy!

 That's so awesome! It's great that you phrased it like that! 

You look like a success story to anyone who sees this, Jenny. I'm not gonna sit here and act like I've never eaten something I knew would bite me in the butt later, but - hey - once in a while, even skinny folks eat a damn Twizzler! You look great!

"but - hey - once in a while, even skinny folks eat a damn Twizzler! "

You are right once in a while they eat A Twizzler maybe even a couple.
 
Not a king size pack with two glasses of milk.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I don't get why people make others feel good about doing things which will hurt them. Why blow sunshine up someones butt?

 It must feel so awesome to NEVER make a mistake ever. Good for you.

88 pounds is a tremendous amount of weight and you obviously are feeling great with your fitness level. Congrats on your successes you have done a great job!