Stress and stress tests....

Nov 06, 2010

Managed to make it through cardiac clearance, after finding out that there was a three year old ekg of mine that showed a "possible MI" --- holy shiiiit. Had to go get a stress test then a non stress test.  I was so stressed over this, I almost DID give myself a heart attack, if not a panic attack or two......

I have 2 classes left of 12, have lost 11 pounds in 10 weeks.  So Gaye, Dr. E's nurse let me get an appt for 11/22 for consultation, and hopefully clearance.  I have November 11 off, so have an ekg, blood labs, and a chest x-ray to do, and a urine sample to give and a stool (you ARE kidding me, right?) kit to take home for ...... homework ?!

My biggest problem is that my job is not stable.  If I lose my job, there goes my health insurance, not to mention my home and my ability to take care of myself and my daughter.  The stress is a little on the overwhelming side.

One of the posters on the kaiser site said that the Ventura farm out doctor is scheduling for December surgeries.  OMG.  I'm a couple weeks behind her....I could keep my insurance easily that long, and cobra after that.

This is the first time that it feels like this could really happen.  My weight at home, in the morning is 280.  Down 20lbs since I began this journey.  Kaiser started me at 295 -- and I weigh about 3 lbs more there - in the afternoon/evening with shoes on !

I was reading about people's weight loss with vsg.  If I had surgery at 275 and lost 100 lbs -- I would be very very satisfied. I know the doctor was saying that my ideal weight was something like 130 but I don't ever recall weighing that.  Maybe in elementary school.....43 years ago....

Can this really be done at 54 years old ? What I want, is to be able to be "normal' -- to have my knee replacement, to be able to go horseback riding again. To take my dog for a long walk, and not be lame, to walk. to hike. to wander the Sierra Nevada's as I used to.  It's been too many wasted years of fat.

The one bright poinnt is that when I lost weight a few years ago, I kept some of the clothes. I couldn't give up the thought that I would be a size 26/28 forever.  So last week, I put on a pair of 24 jeans, and they fit just right.  My 26's were falling off me.  So now I have 3 pr of 24 jeans, 2 jean capri's, and 3 pr of crops that fit me like regular pants.  My tops are still fine.  Though at some point I have 22/24 tops and sz 22 and 20 jeans.  Anything less than that .....I do not own.

I have restricted myself to two goals these days, and am only allowing myself to worry about one thing. 

Goals -- keep this job as long as I can
                find a new, less stressful job with benefits
                Lose weight

And worry ?  Just about work.  I am not going to worry about losing weight, because I'm doing that, and it's going well.  I'm working out at Curves, best I can 3 to 4 days a week; eating healthfully, and losing about a pound a week. I'm not going crazy dieting -- that never works for me; but I'm watching calories, and keeping it between 1300 and 1600 a day. 

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