BriarRose

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I have lost 121 pounds. 
I have gone from a size 28 to a size 14/16 petite ~
I have lost (according to curves) 69 inches of myself !
I can fit into a booth at resturants.
I can go horse back riding
I went on a 4 hour mule back trail ride, up the side of a mountain !
I can control my food.
I can exercise
I can make myself exercise 3 to 4 times a week.
I can buy regular clothing.
I can cross my legs
I can take 2 or 3 bites and have had enough
Most days, I smile so much my cheeks hurt.
I look in the mirror and don't know who I am
I like myself.
I have  gone from a 46 DD bra to a 38DD bra.
I can buy regular undies at target.
knee high hose doesn't cut off circulation.
I don't need wide width shoes anymore
I found my collar bones.
my knees are bigger than my legs
My feet have veins and bones
my ankles have that innie thing in the back.
I have lost several chins.
I can see air between my legs when I'm in jeans.
My legs don't rub together when I walk
I LIKE greek yogurt

Being Jewish means not one, Christmas celebration ...... or one Christmas party at family, or even one christmas eve, and another Christmas day, and another Christmas night......It's 8 days of parties.  It is 8 days of fried potatos, fried jelly donuts, fried everything, and chocolates, and even "being good" means eating just one, which is just one more than any sane human should. 

THEN being a minority living in a majority culture;  it's the work Christmas parties, the children's parties from work (I'm a social worker) -- it's eating the cheese off of a couple slices of pizza, eating m&m's out of boredom watching kids at the pizza and games place with noise at a level to drown out all possible thought of anything like reality....it's boxes of candies that people give you as gifts.....

It's 4 pounds. 

Interestingly enough though,  it's now January 16th, and I've taken them all off !!  Yep.  All four pounds are gone now.  I know exactly how I got them, and I know exactly how to take them off.  My surgeon called that "normal" -- that's what normal skinny people do.  They gain weight over holidays and vacations, and they take it right off again. 

WOW what a concept. 

 

I'm in the 170's !!!!  OMG.  I can't believe it. I have NO idea when the last time I weighed somewhere around this number.  Most probably somewhere about 1983.  That would mean.....ummmm 28 years ago... Dear Lord... I"m wearning size 14 and 16 petite clothing. I'm exercising 3 to 4 times a week, I"m eating like a normal human being, and I'm happy. 

Yes, I am happy.  Happy with myself, happy with how I look, how people see me, and how I project myself.  It's been a difficult transformation for me to wrap my head around.  I have had to re-learn who I am, where I am in space, where my body boundries are.  I have had to learn that I' m not the "fat white social worker lady" anymore.  I have twice been referred to as the "little white social worker lady" and was floored by the title ! I am by no means little -- but considering I'm only just over 5'2" and I'm no longer hugely obese.....heck, I'll take it !!!

These last two months have been hard in weight loss terms....losing a pound or two now takes me a month...but that's ok.  I would be happy to lose the last nine and a half pounds over the next 5 or 6 months.  Wouldn't faze me a bit. At least my clothes will continue to fit !!!

I think my own goal will ultimaately be around 165.  But we shall see.  I don't want to go too far into the future here.... because you never know what each weight will feel like next ! 

Work is busy, fast and furious, but no complaints there.  Home is as it ever was.  concerned about Jess, and my dad....but I just do what I need to do and take care of everybody....

I LOVED LOVED LOVED my Black Friday shopping spree !!! A beautiful dress and 2 outfits with a nice black skirt ! 4 pr of shoes (no more wide width for me !!!) And trouser socks in normal ladies sizes that don't cut off my circulation below the knee ! And I bought tights !!!!  and black pumps !!!!

I can't wait to put them all on !!!

Hope this last week of weight loss does not come to a screeching halt this soon....I hate hate hate this lose a pound, lose a half a pound then gain a pound back.  Spend the next two weeks fighting to re lose the pound I gained....then maintain for a week and then lose another pound.....gosh I'd rather lose an ounce every other day or two....then forever feel like I'm going up and down the staircase....

There are some pounds that seem to hang on there for ever !  Why did 183 stick around for ever; but 182 was here and gone in a week ?!  And now 181 is stuck like glue to me.  On the boards, I don't complain, but here, I do.  There are a few things I really WANT in this weight loss thing. 

ONE of them is to be a size 14 or lower.  Why ? And why does it matter ? Because some places, don't go higher than a 14, and I don't want to have to EVER go PLUS size again.  EVER.  And although I think I look darned good in my petite size 16's I really would like to see a smaller size.....however, in reality, I now see that I am going to have hanging skin, my belly and abdomen have....ummmmm extra rolls....and they are not going away.  The size 16 pants fit at the waist, fit at the belly, but are big in the butt and thighs.  Sigh. 

When I look in the mirror in clothes, I see a person I don't quite know.  And sometimes I kind of scare myself.  Looks like the clothes I picked out to wear this morning, but who is that human wearing them ???

It's times like this, that I tell myself that the slowed weight loss is a good thing -- it gives me the time to have some mental adjustment to who I am again.....but still, I would happily give up mental adjustment time for more losing time !!! 

Still hitting Curves about 4 times a week now.  Making sure to set my week off by being there on Monday mornings, and Tuesday mornings too.  Then it's an easy finish with either Wednesday and Thursday or Friday to finish the week up.  I really do prefer to go before work, and it seems to be working for me now.  I can actually feel muscles in my arms and legs now.  It is so odd to FEEL my own bones and muscles.   Exciting.  But odd .

Two stinking pounds is all I lost this month. 

I am pissed. 

I am pissed at myself, I am pissed at my tiny tummy, I am pissed at chocolate. 

I can now eat more all of a sudden, and I'm hungry to boot.  I've been trying to eat every couple of hours, and to keep protein around.  but I found low fat crackers -- 30 for 120 calories.  And I loved them. And I think it turned on the carb monster that I never knew lingered inside me. 

So this week I put the crackers in little zip lock bags, so I don't eat too many.  Half a serving of crackers.  Once a day. 

I can't figure out what it is.  Yes, I'm eating a bit more at meals. I can eat a whole chicken thigh now.  A whole egg. But I can't believe that my body refuses to lose any more weight on what I am eating.....

And I'm doing my curves -- managed to get in there 4 days this week, and maybe will get there tomorrow too -- 5 days.  And I'm taking a walk at lunch or during the day at work -- even if it's just once around the parking lot and to the trash bins.  Sigh. 

I know....117 pounds is nothing to sneeze at.  I just wanted to get down to 170 by January -- my surgeversary......but it's not looking good.  I keep telling myself that EVEN IF I only lose 2 pounds a month ......that will put me at 181 in November, and 179 in December, and 177 in January......so maybe by MAY.....

I"m not giving up......I'm going to get there.  166 makes me "OVERWEIGHT".  That is my goal.  to get there.  skinny was never my goal.  My surgeon told me his goal for me at 12 to 18 months was 170.  maybe by 18 months....

Up a pound, up two pounds ---- up four pounds.  Down two pounds.  Down another pound.  Up a pound. 

What the heck is going on ?  I dunno.  8 and a half months out, and I can't get a handle on my weight loss right now.  Bumps up and down like crazy. 

Going to make a concerted effort to keep my carbs low this week, to eat high protein and see where it goes.  Last weekend we went camping --- I walked like crazy.  Easily 3 miles in a day -- and for me and my sick knees, that is a whole lotta walking.  Yes, I ate a bit more -- maybe 200 cals more a day; but not the 3500 needed to put on two pounds in 4 days.  So what went wrong, if anything really went wrong .......

I'm back now two days, and have lost the two I put on during the weekend....(could the culprit REALLY be a low calorie hot dog and a half without the bun ?) could the chemicals and salt do that ?  Maybe it was the 4 french fries I ate with my children's burger (without the bun) at the village grill......or the ONE marshmellow I toasted and ate at 20 calories......or is it being outside and my body hanging on to fluids that it lets go of when I'm home.....

And could this be it ? Is the weight loss stopping at 114 pounds lost, and weighing 184 pounds ?  I really want to hit the 160's.   My goal was to hit the 175 by January 24 -- a year out.  That's 11 pounds in 3 months.....and at this rate, it will be a challange to get there......growl.....

Going to hit curves this am.  My knees were too sore yesterday to even try !!! 

I started a new job a month ago.  No one there knows me from "before" -- and although I am in NO WAY slim, I am kind of "normal non descript overweight looking." 

We had a meeting at the office.  I am a professional social worker, and management.  I walked in the meeting room and the topic of discussion during a break was attending weight watchers.  A woman was trying to convince someone to go to meetings with her.  She was reall working the room -- approaching one individual after another trying to get them to go with her so she could get a free something or other.  I was just standing there sipping my coffee, and wondering when she was going to get to me, and feeling that old "oh what is going to be my excuse for not going this time....." and realized that she had gone past me, and on to someone else.....I figured it was because I am management....until she approached MY supervisor (who is quite obese) and was pressuring her.....

It was not until quite a bit later that I realized that I can "PASS" as normal now.   I always felt like the elephant in the middle of the room that everyone was stareing at -- you know -- you realize that you are the fattest person there....

I have been quite "thrown" by this today.  I know that my body has changed, I can see that most days.  I am a size 16 petite now.  I used to be a 28 womens.  I can't believe the changes in me.

I am not the elephant in the room anymore.  And I like it.

Of course, it is a "the scale isn't moving week, so my head is playing games with me, and I FEEL FAT -- and feel like I must weigh a bizillion pounds....but still....I'm not the elephant in the room that no one polite talks about.....

For goodness sake, I totally do not understand it at all.  I'm exercising like I have never been, jogging on the recovery boards, and really working it 4 to 5 days a week.  My knees are killing me and the right one has started swelling something terrible.  I'm eating no more than my usual 600 to 800 calories a day, and my weight has gone up every day for 4 days.  I am so pissed off I could scream. 

I've journaled my food, and nothing is "off"  -- the only thing that has changed is the time that I work out, and when I eat my breakfast.  Could something as inconsequential actuall affect my weight ? 

I thought exercising first thing in the morning was a good thing --I'm having my coffee in the am, then the gym, then having a h/b egg and a piece of cheese when I get into work..I dunno. 

Confusing.....will hang with this program that I've got myself on for another week and see what happens.....

I have no idea why this particular number has me so pleased....but this morning I weighed 193. and it just tickled me !!! I had to get off the scale and get back on twice just to make sure !!!

But the numbers stayed there.... so I'm taking it ! I had a great work out at Curves yesterday, which is good, because today is my LAST trip out to my out of county job. They keep e-mailing me with more paperwork to do for them, and quite frankly.....Scarlett.....I don't give a ...... and I'm not going to do it. Yes, they could with hold part of my income, but you can't e-mail me with stuff to do the day before my LAST DAY and tell me this is due by tomorrow ! Nope. Isn't happening.

I did go into new job yesterday, and cleaned the office I will use. Put up some pictures, set up my desk, and measured to put up a bullitin board. (I hate things taped to the walls) looks unprofessional. I haven't purchased one yet, but did price staples and it was really high. Will hit up walmart this weekend. Took a look at the office, and found a fridge and a microwave --- yeah !!! Great for lunches and snacks. And the office is about halfway between home and Curves !!! I plan on eating lunch at my desk while working, and taking my "lunch" early and hitting up Curves.

I mentioned this to my supervisor, and she told me that she is interested in finding out more about it. I told her that I had lost alot of weight in the last year, and that Curves has been a big part of that weight loss. How wonderful would that be, if she joined !?

I have a new and very wonderful way to bust my weight loss slumps/stalls. (Now DO NOT laugh at me !) Last time I stalled out, and was feeling really down about it, I took myself for a massage. Then two days after my massage; I started losing weight again. I noted the coincidence; and stuck it somewhere in the shelves of my dewey decimal system brain (ie: the old outdated filing system...). Two days ago I took myself out for a facial and massage -- it was Tuesday and they do buy one service get another half off; and I was feeling blah....and it's been two months since my last one....and now, it's two days later; and two pounds dropped off in two days !!! Coincidence or not ?! Might have to continue every other month massages to do a study !!! (can't afford more than that !)

This is such an amazing journey.  I weighed myself at Curves today.  I had to move the thingy to the 150 slot, from the 200 slot.  I can't recall when the last time was that I could do that. Years.  Decades. Probably 25 years ago. 

I was putting makeup on yesterday .... something I don't do every day.... and noticed my cheek bones.  Haven't seen them in a long time.  At my last job interview, they asked for a copy of my drivers license.  I had that picture taken when I had lost some weight a few years back, but she looked at the picture, and said "OMG - you have lost so much weight !"  I guess I have, and guess I do look very different but I hadn't thought of that.....

Trying to get to Curves 4 to 5 times a week.    Can be tough, but I feel better for it -- have more energy, that's for sure.  Down to 197 today.  Amazing.

My goal for myself was to weigh 170 -- what I remembered weighing in grad school.  Still clinically overweight; but......will reevaluate if and when I get there.....

also was looking at my weight loss ticker.....how far I have come..... I can't quite believe it.  I'm 27 pounds from that goal of 170.   THAT is mind blowing.  I think I can't think about that.  Too weird.