We are back in Michigan, having left Baton Rouge on last Thurs. and Gulfport one week ago. We had plans to visit an old friend of ours then to have a real treat for me, to meet Jean M.! Unfortunately we were both having a lot of pain and those stops would have added an extra day to the trip. I was very disappointed to say the least. Anyway, we stayed Fr. night and Sat. with my sister at College Grove Tenn. and my 82 year old parents also arrived on their way home from Myrtle Beach. Lon and I got home Sunday evening to the joy of 7 of 9 grandchildren and our 2 daughters (and grand dogs) at our house. I needed all those hugs! Our two 10 year old grandsons unpacked the car with the help of the 5 and 6 year old boys. The 2 year old pretended shy, the dogs raised a ruckus playing and running with ours, and our 12 and 15 year old grand daughters hung up and put away all the clothing. Some how I came home with much more than I left with. Hmmm..... shopping at my favorite consignment shop was fun but we had to leave out my bag of books just to make room. Son is under instruction to bring them next time he comes here.

I am set to have xrays of my hip, I start PT on Tues. and I will have a consult with my pain specialist today and get my facet injections Wed. unless he suggests going another direction. The ride actually helped me some because I wasn't up walking but it has killed me since we have been home because in spite of the wretched weather I want to be out wandering my yard and garden, want to pick up all the fallen sticks and even move a few plants. Raking seems impossible and Lon won't be able to do it, either. His long ago back injury has been very painful, too. We are quite the pair.

The final tally on weight gain for the winter was 9 pounds up from goal and 13 up from my lowest. I am down 4 pounds already but the lack of exercise has caused all the toning at my midsection to revert to loose and floppy. Ewwww! I should be able to begin improving that during PT. I hate the thought of going through pt again because I spent all fall doing it for my upper back and it is not only time consuming but makes me feel worse up until the last 2-3 weeks. Right during my most important yard and garden time of the year. Booo! Well, it is time to adjust my attitude and get on with doing what I need to do for quality of life.

Doing what I need to for quality of life. That is something I have been thinking of and working on for over a year now. It began when I began thinking of wls. I sure had no quality then. I didn't know what all this would entail but I soon discovered that it would touch every facet of my life. One of the first things I had to deal with, and will continue to do battle with forever, is the frustration that I would no longer be able to eat whatever I want, whenever I want. Of course, at first I believed I would never be able to eat certain things, again.  That was a falsehood. I truly had to be strict that way for a long time. Otherwise I would not have had the impetus to continue losing my weight. I did, however, allow a very few treats along the way. Never, ever, at home. After binging between Thanksgiving and Christmas I began to scare myself because it was so like old times. I wasn't as bad as I would have been, due to the things I have learned, but it was scary wondering if I would ever make it all the way back. Over the winter I had some relatively bad times. Not all bad, though.
 
Being a perfectionist and the harshest critic I have I expect nothing less than perfection of myself. Didn't I learn about that several months ago? You bet. And I needed to revisit that. I discovered that one cupcake doesn't have to become two and that a dozen doesn't have to become a months worth. I discovered again, that while I strive to make wise choices and stay away from my trigger foods, it doesn't always happen. That does not make me a failure. Gaining a few pounds doesn't make me a failure. Losing my exercise momentum doesn't make me a failure. Only giving up would make me a failure. My band does exactly what I wanted it to. It gives me a fighting chance to succeed. I do the rest. I like it that way. I have to choose to do what it takes to improve quality of life and if it causes me discomfort, unease, or even pain, I can either cave in or benefit from the hard work.

I will continue to stress to each newbie that whichever tool they choose it is still up to them. So, onward and upward for me.

We are in Gulfport, Ms. and loving it. The weather is glorious right now. I have been to the beach twice this week and look forward to more this week. Since we are just about a 6 minute drive I can do it easily. The dog loves to go at low tide and race around and swim from sand bar to sand bar. He always wants me to go with him, except when he is off to chase birds. I am not required to do that, lol.

The down side of this is that I am still fighting the pain in my right hip that has been going on since Thanksgiving. I am beginning to get very discouraged because it makes it difficult to get out and do anything. To get down to the water causes pain, to wade a bit hurts, to get back to the car is absolutely excruciating. If we go out antiquing or shopping for a couple hours I am down on the sofa the rest of that day and frequently all of the next. The lack of exercise is showing on my upper abdomen, which also is discouraging.

It is also more difficult to ignore cravings when stuck inside, so that has been troublesome at times. Over all I am doing fairly well with my eating, just not perfect. I remember when the inability to do it perfectly would have really set me off. I have really made progress with that. Yeah, it was easier when I could be really strict with myself, but I also know I can't live that way forever.

I am noticing that I am getting hungry sooner that I have for a long time. The unfill I had before the new year is finally setting in. If we don't go home early it will be late April before I get another one. I will just do the best I can. I am eating slightly larger quantities than before, but not bad. A snack of string cheese between meals helps. It doesn't keep me from hunger but hey, the band doesn't promise that. Another thing I have not done well is get all my fluids in. Today I have done well and am going to try to be especially vigilant.

While I have been pretty down, for me, I love my band, and I also know that God will help restore me to my normal sunny self. Soon, I hope.

It has been quite a while since I updated this. Here are some of the things that have happened:
I got a 2cc unfill on Dec. 30, I had been having too many stuck/vomiting episodes. Then I had an upper GI to verify band placement. Every thing was fine, no slips, no esophageal dilation, etc.  That was a relief. Though the doc didn't really think there was a problem by the time I got the results (immediate) I had myself worked into a state! The funny thing about that unfill is that I have 2.5 cc left in and it feels fine. I have good restriction and don't get hungry.

I had a bad time with compulsions over the holidays. I would get things under control then the fat lady would make her appearance. At one point I ate nearly two whole batches of homemade carmels. I am still struggling. The thing is that I will be fine for a while then go crazy. DH is having too many sweets in the house that tempt me and we may need to have a discussion.

We are leaving this next Monday to go to our son's in Gulfport, Ms. I am so looking forward to being on the beach and just not having snow. Here we have about 8 or so inches on the ground and it is only in the teens for high temperatures. Down there the forecast for next week is sunny and 53-54 degrees. Not swimming weather but I can walk on the beach. The dog loves it so much, especially at low tide. He runs out as far as he can then swims from one sand bar to the next. Then he races down the beach. I have not done any type of exercise since just after Thanksgiving since I have been having an issue with my right SI joint and have had a lot of pain. It is improving, now, the chiropractor is making good progress on it. I can control the pain with just Tylenol, now. I am really looking forward to getting back in the groove.

Packing both cold weather clothing and summer things is a real problem. My hubbie took a look at the pile I had made and had a fit about me taking so much. I explained that I am higher maintenance now. I have more clothes, like to go out, and must have a good variety. The poor man gave up though all he saw was the winter stuff, the spring/summer stuff is on the bed in the guest room upstairs! We aren't sure how long we will be gone but the longest would be to the third week of April. By then it is shorts and sleeveless tops weather as well as being on the beach, in the water, weather. Glorious!

I am right now 4 pounds over my goal weight. Not bad but right before Thanksgiving I was well under my goal weight. I had allowed myself leeway to go up or down 5 pounds, no further, so I am ok but want to get these 4 off before they want to become permanent.

I'm still loving my band!
Sue

Yes! And she always will. Let me tell you what I know about her. I worked hard, lost to my goal and under. Have great restriction, early restriction, picture perfect luck. But even though I have changed in so many ways she is still with me. Is that bad? Well, yes and no.

I have been feeling my way around this maintenance thing for about two months. I have made plans for dealing with various situations, which is a really good thing. If you fail to plan you plan to fail is really true. Do my plans always work? Ummmm...... NO!
 
My latest plan was for Thanksgiving. I knew I would eat a little of everything. I knew that it would include pie later in the day, along with my beloved stuffing with dinner. Then I would send all the leftovers home with my kids. I would have a few days of craving carbs but if the worst offenders weren't here they wouldn't get to me. HA! Problem one; The kids didn't cooperate. Daughters one and four forgot to include taking leftovers in their plans. Daughter one stayed here until midnight, daughter four had to go to work right after dinner then came back to pick up her sister and they went shopping from midnight until 7 pm. yesterday. No leftovers left until then. Daughter two is in heaven so I can't blame her except she didn't bother to train her sons to eat pie! The nerve! Son, (number three) was here from Mississippi and stayed with us. He is a beanpole and eats pie, but not a lot, and stuffing is only with the meal. Hubby dared to have all his upper teeth pulled earlier in the week. He only ate mushies, including the filling from the pumpkin pie. No one bothered with the pecan pie. Jerks. Not a one of the seven grandchildren who were here cooperated. Dang brats. So, here I was with my grand plan, and fat lady made her appearance. I kept going back to that darned pecan pie. Over and over, a bit at a time. Including, (here I blush), at 4 am yesterday when I got up to prepare for my shopping trip with my mother and sister. Before my coffee. Feeling a bit "stuckish". In the dark cold house before I even put my glasses on. That puppy called my name until there was only one piece left. Then, being very virtuous, I dumped it in the trash. I will have you know I didn't even go back for it. See how dedicated I am? The stuffing and one other pie gave me trouble until this morning when I immersed them in water and took it all to my composter.

The fat lady lives. Yeah, that part was bad. Failure? No, not at all. A learning experience is all. Two and a half days do not make a failure. Months and never coming back? Yes. You see I am learning the difference. My plan to have some of everything was not bad as long as I know that it cannot continue and that I have gotten to the point where it will not send me into a wild binge. Am I beating myself up? No. You see, I have learned that my plan, while both good and bad, needs to be modified before the next round of holidays. I have learned a thing or two (just what I knew before) and I can choose to stay here and wallow in it or I can move on. I can use it as an excuse to continue or I can choose to say I had a two day set back.

The only reason I decided to post this is that I don't want new people to think that there is any state of perfection, or that obesity can be cured by having any surgery. It can't, it is all up to us. Some of us have to stay away from our trigger foods forever, some can have controlled amounts. All of us are in danger of returning to our former lives, bar none. We are healing but not cured. Make plans for weight loss, for dealing with trigger points, with life in general but always remember, we are just one bite away from the edge of the abyss.

Will I do it again? Probably. I hope not, but I know from experience that I learn the hard way. Will I make it through? I hope so. I have a whole knew set of tools, including my band, I have learned new ways of thinking and eating and actually enjoy it. Will I always make good choices? Not likely, but I hope I can make more wise choices in my new life than poor ones.
That is a very good thing.

One thing I do know, No more pecan pie unless someone else brings it and takes it home! It is obviously one of my nemesis's.

I made that appointment for an unfill just over a week ago. It was to have been this last Wed. but nearly as soon as I had the appointment Sybil, my band, did a quick switch again(me looking shocked). I ended up postponing it until next Monday to give myself time to see what would happen. Today they called me as a reminder and I cancelled it altogether. It suddenly seems that as long as I am well hydrated I can eat well. I am still more tight in the morning but I can deal with that. In fact I am getting a bit hungry before I should be. Talk about fickle. Once again I am on hold.

I have heard from some who dislike the band that they hated being able to eat something one day and not the next, reflux, heartburn, pb'ing, sliming, and stuck all the time. I can say without a doubt that there never has been a time when this happened that it has not been my own darned fault. I don't get my fluids in so what will happen? I am easily distractable and eat too fast or don't chew well so what do I expect? I have not have heartburn or reflux, so it is not my band. Mostly I can tell ahead of time when I might have a problem, I just don't always pay attention. Do I believe that others are just being careless? No. I don't. Some may be, sometimes, but all the time? No. Are their complications their own fault? No. I only know what happens to me, right now.

The last time I wrote on my blog I talked about maintenance and being really unsure. I still am because, after all, it has only been a week. Duh. I described it earlier this week as being in the dark in the house at night. When I turn off lights and my eyes havent adjusted I have to sometimes feel my way by sticking a foot out and feeling my way. THAT is what I feel like. It is scary! Yet, in a way it is exciting. I have come so far and have achieved things I never thought I would be able to. So, I am looking at it as being a new learning experience. It is going to be hard, frustrating, perhaps heartbreaking, but I hope rewarding, too. Onward and upward!