Jenci S.

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The only way I choke down a shake is if I mix my protein in with a Starbucks Coffee Light Frapp.  IT IS GETTING EXPENSIVE!  But truly, every protein I have tried makes me gag.  It has gotten to the point where I can BARELY handle the Special K protein water drop ins.  I am going to keep searching, and until I find something that goes down a bit easier, I guess I will have to continue to bow down to the Starbucks Gods.

Good news is, my mental happiness has been high lately!  Seem to be happier than I have been in a few weeks.  Maybe it is related to my scale finally dropping down a bit, maybe because Aunt Flo left last week.  Who knows.  But I am going to enjoy the happy train while it lasts.

Also, for all of you out there who are not keeping a daily log, DO IT!  I am stubborn.  (Thank God my husband isn't on here, he would die to see me admit that!)  If something isn't my idea, you can bet I am not doing it!  I am also a spur of the moment kind of person, I get an idea, and if you don't agree to go along with it righ then and there, it isn't happening.  Two things I am working on!  Anyway, back to the daily log, I refused to keep one for the last three months, found a friend on here, and she and I made a pact to keep food logs, and to share them each day.  I sent my log for yesterday to her this morning, and I FEEL GREAT!  I got in ALL my protein requirement, and then some, and I drank a full 64 ounces of liquid!  Hopefully keeping up with my protein is going to help STOP my hair loss!   That started this weekend, and I am PISSED!  I was just starting to be able to control the "baby" hairs that have been sprouting back in from losing my hair after my second son.  Ehh...whats a girl going to do?  She is going to SUCK IT UP, pick hair of herself CONSTANTLY, and live her life.  (And maybe see how much her hairdresser charges for a whole head of extensions!) 

Could not wake up this morning!

But I am now up and moving.  Feeling good.

Yesterday was interesting.  I kept a COMPLETE log of everything I ate.  I drank more than enough fluids, but got only a bit over half of the protein I need.  It was a wake up call.  I really need to get in more shakes during the day.  So that starts today.  We're shooting for 2 shakes today, which will give me over 50 grams of protein, it should be easy enough to make up the additional 20+ grams.  I'll let you know how that goes tomorrow!

Pity day today.

AHHHHH!  I had a big bite of my husbands homemade lemon cheesecake last night.  This morning I ate a chocolate covered almond, 3 chocolate covered raisens, and 2 chocolate covered peanuts.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? 

Now instead of going outside, I am sitting here on my couch THINKING about walking.  THINKING I should be outside on such a beautiful day.  My old habits are still here.  I HAVE TO WORK to change them!  WTF!  What a concept.

So yeah, no need to write me any "You can do it." or "Don't be so hard on yourself." messages.  I know I can do it, and I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself.  Yet here I sit, feeling sorry for myself.  BLAH!

I love that I am "shrinking".  Went to Old Navy yesterday, before now I have not been able to shop IN their stores, only online, but I went in yesterday for their 30% off EVERTHING sale.  I walked around, picked out XXL everything, went into the dressing room, and some of the XXL shirts were TOO BIG!  Long story short, I left with some XXL, and some XL shirts.  Shouldn't I be more excited?  I probably would be if I didn't feel like my weight loss has ended.  I am NOT doing what I should be doing and I know it!  So like my friend Crystal, I am going to write myself a letter!

Dear Jenci,

Your weight loss DOESN'T have to be over!  But now that the honeymoon period is over, you're going to have to work to get those last 95+ pounds off.  It may sound like an impossible feat, but it isn't, YOU CAN DO IT!  But you have to make some changes, changes beyond the ones you HAD to make.  You HAVE to drink more fluids, you HAVE to eat/drink more protein, you HAVE to measure your portions, you CANNOT eat till you're full, stop before the "last" bite, you HAVE to put those tennies on and WALK, you HAVE to get the garage cleaned out so you can bring your bike home from your parent's house.  STOP buying clothes that fit now because you ARE going to keep losing, and YOU'LL be getting rid of these new finds before you know it!
Jenci, you made a life changing decision when you choose to have RNY surgery, so start using your tool as it was meant to be used.  YOU CAN DO THIS!  You have a thin life to live, so GET STARTED!

Love,
YOU

The wedding was BEAUTIFUL!  My brother is happily married on in Costa Rica for his honeymoon!

I enjoyed myself.  I honestly did!  It was warm, the warmest weather we've had this year, and yes, I sweated, but it wasn't obsessive or embarrasing!  I used to walk out the door on 80 degree days and sweat like a pig just getting to the car.  My husband even said he was amazed, he could tell I was warm, but that he noticed I wasn't sweating.  I was able to walk, and walk, and walk around my sis-in laws family's ranch without being exhausted OR short of breath!  And to top it all off, I WORE A SKIRT...CONFIDENTLY!  It was an amazing day!  And I was happy to be a smaller me, and to have been able to enjoy myself.
In this pic I am the one in the bright pink sweater, holding the baby, not the best shot to see me, I am sure I'll have some from the photographer soon.

So my brother is getting married on Saturday, and this will be my first big social event since surgery!  First time seeing most of my dad's family since early January.  I am having a FLOOD of emotions!  I am so so so happy my brother has found happiness, and that he is marrying a fantastic woman!  I am excited to see my family.  I am scared that they're going to think I haven't lost enough.  But then I am ashamed of even thinking that!  Of course I have lost "enough".  Then I am frustrated trying to find something to wear!  I want to show that I've lost weight, but hide the excess skin! 

My mom brought a shapeless dress by last night, it fit, but I am not sure it's me.  I ordered some things, and have crossed my fingers that first, they'll be there tonight, and second that they fit!  I also have a dress my friend bought in two sizes, and I bought the smaller size off her.  UGH!  I want to look GOOD!  Like..."DAMN...SHE LOOKS GOOD!" good.  But I have a feeling no matter what I wear my family will think that anyway considering I haven't weighed this little since high school!!!

After a TWO week stall....I am officially under 250 pounds!  I weigh 249.5 to be exact!  And I couldn't be happier!  I am at a weight I am not afraid to share with others!  That is an unbelieveable concept...sharing my weight with others!

And I had an emotional breakthrough last night...I actually posted my total loss on facebook!  I guess I figured everyone knew I was fat, so it wasn't like I was revealing this huge earthshattering secret by telling everyone I was 94.7 pounds lighter.  But for some reason I had been keeping my journey, and new life a secret.  Well, NO MORE!  I am out there, I am being honest with myself, and people around me.  I feel liberated!

I HATE walking.  It hurts, I can't breathe, and why the heck would I walk if I didn't actually have to to get somewhere?

That used to be my stance on walking.  Today I truly proved to myself that I AM 94.7 pounds lighter, and that it makes a HUGE difference to be 95.7 pounds lighter!  I can walk.  I can walk from  my car to my office without losing my breath, or raising my heart rate.  I can park in ANY available parking spot, and walk past the million available spots that are closer to get inside a store.  I can walk around Capitol park, and it is getting EASIER!    But today was my best walk yet, I had forgotten to take my son's blanket & sheet in to preschool this morning.  Horrible mommy!  Anyway, I walked my butt in to work trying to scheme a way to get my dad to come downtown and deliver it for me, but he was busy, and wouldn't get there before nap time.  UGH!  I knew I needed to walk to day, 2 days w/o walking and I needed to get moving again, so I put on my shoes, my walking shirt, headed to the car to get the bag, and on the way there thought, "No one will know if I just drive over there."    But that little angel on my other shoulder chimed in and said "WALK!"  So I walked.  From 15th & K Street to 10th & I Street!  All tolled...ONE MILE!  Ok.  I am sure there are some of you out there who are saying "Uh, yeah, I do one mile in my sleep."  Well...I am not one of those people...I HATE walking!  When I first started here people kept talking about walking over to City Hall, and I thought they were crazy, who the hell would want to walk to City Hall when we have a little cart that can drive you there?  And it seemed like it was SOOOOOOO far away!  But today, I had enough faith in myself to know that not only could I walk to City Hall, and see my son, but I could also make the trek back! 

Major accomplishment for the I HATE TO WALK girl!

So...my brother is getting married next weekend, I have a dress that is going to be WAY too big, so last night I ordered a few things from onestopplus.com, they shold be here by Thursday (the wedding is Saturday the 24th), so in case those don't come in I went to Target on my lunch today.     Let me start by saying, I LOVE TARGET!  I have two little boys, and most of their clothes are from Target, love that place!  Anyway, I automatically went to the plus size section, found ONE dress that was ok , grabbed a 2x and a 1x.  Then I migrated to the maternity section, figured they allow a little extra room for boob growth, found a dress there.  Then I started wandering, I found myself in the regular size & juniors section falling in LOVE  with their dress selection!  So I boldly choose SIX XXL dresses and headed to the changing rooms.  I first went for the plus size stuff (HORRIBLE), then the maternity (amazingly, it made me LOOK pregnant ), then started in on the CUTE XXL stuff!  IT ACTUALLY FREAKIN FIT!    My biggest problem areas are my hips & tummy, and these NON STRETCHY dresses fit over my HUGE problem areas!  I was in heaven!  Of course I am not in love with my legs yet, and didn't end up getting any of them, BUT the point is, if I wanted to, I could have bought them and gone out in public wearing them tonight!    I am on could 9 knowing I can wear XXL clothing at Target!  HAPPY FRIDAY!

Ok...I read this the other day and had to share, it made me feel energized about my surgery, and the choices I  make every day!  It is from this site (which I LOVE!) http://theworldaccordingtoeggface.blogspot.com/2009/06/fear-enemy.html

"F is for Fear of Failure - I personally think a healthy fear of failure is a good thing. It keeps my head in the game. I'll never say -158 pounds gone forever. I know those little fat cells (well not those I got wacked off with plastics) but those remaining are just hanging around waiting in the wings for me to screw up, get lazy, lose focus, reach for the bread basket, take a second helping.

RNY was my last chance. There is something desperate and life changing about having your stomach severed and your intestines re-routed. Add to my story that I did it in a foreign country, alone and am still paying $ monthly for it. Failure is not an option. I'm sure other post-ops reading this feel the same way.

As you begin to feel and see the dramatic changes you never want to go back. That encourages me each day. On days it doesn't I look at a list I made of the worst things about being fat, my before pic (I put a Before & After pic on my fridge), a pair of my fat pants (a tight 26/28), find strength in others or I blog about it here.

For those in the beginning stages of this incredible journey I remember those stalls when the scale wouldn't move and I would freak out. We have all been on so many "diets" in the past and failed we can't imagine when something will finally work for us and when the scale slows those old fears creep in... am I going to fail? The answer is: maybe. This will work for you... for a time. The question really should be will you work for it?

Change your mind. Remember they operated on our guts not our head. The head thing... our responsibility. Don't think of this as something you have to get through till you reach goal. There is NO FINISH LINE. Hell I know I can suffer through something for a period of time I shot orange grease out of my ass for weeks on Xenical, ate pounds of grapefruits and gallons cabbage soup, stopped eating all together, took countless other diet pills. I can get through anything. Change that thinking because this isn't a diet. This is YOUR LIFE.

Change your life. Make changes that you can live with not just get through. Find protein rich healthy foods that you truly enjoy, incorporate exercise/activity that's fun and something you look forward to doing, find stress reducers that don't involve a bag of Pepperidge Farm Salsalito cookies and... keep a healthy fear!

Remember this war against Obesity is exactly that... a war. I fight the battles everyday and will for the rest of my life. The good thing is the only way you can really lose if you stop fighting. "