lookinglass
Been a long time, since I left you, without a beat to step to.
Sep 20, 2015
65lbs down.
So I'm at or I was 4 days ago, sitting on 220. Down from my 285 high before surgery.
So how's life in the big sleeve city?
I'm still getting used to eating. And the whole thing you hear all the time that they do surgery on your stomach and not your head, yeah I totally get it now. My stomach will be full but my brain is pissed I've not finished my sandwich/food/whatever and it's like a compulsion to shove it in my mouth. Thankfully it seems like I'm making improvements in that area. I'm also throwing up quite a bit. Throwing up now isn't the same as pre surgery. Even dry heaving now is not as awful as it was before surgery. Figuring out what to eat is an issue. Since I'm self pay the nutritionist is self pay as well and at $450.00 a pop, I can't afford it. What I can afford is the internet and so have great information at my disposal along with all the help forums and whatnot.
So a few things I've noticed:
65lbs down and went out of town this weekend and no one said a word. They hadn't seen me since pre surgery.
I'm getting attention from guys. Ok, I'm being noticed, not invisible anymore or at least less invisible
People still say shitty things "your face is gorgeous but the body..." yeah...F.U.
My coworkers are starting to comment on my food. Because I eat a few bites of things and then leave the lunch table I'm starting to hear things like "that's all your eating?". To which I say yes, I've got work to do and leave. Im not discussing my personal health with anyone.
My scars have not faded but they have changed from an angry purple to a smoother red.
I got depressed today thinking about the fact that I've had surgery and had part of my stomach removed. The seriousness, severity of the decision, questioning what have I done to myself, the whole enormity of the change to my body I've created really overwhelmed me for a bit. Sure, it's not the first time ever considering it or thinking. I was thinking about how someone whom I respected if I told him, he'd be so disappointed and not understand. It's not the disappointment that would bother me, it's the lack of understanding. I made a choice to permanently alter my body. What I have done cannot be undone. While I think I made the right decision, I still believe that this is major change and it's scary. Scary because I don't want to fail, scary because who knows if I've somehow done something to my body that down the line will hurt it. I'm scared that anything above 180lbs will be a waste of money. I'm 40 lbs away from that but still can't wrap my head around that it's even possible.
I don't have buyers remorse.