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So having lots of emotional issues today. The hormones are raging, the mind is racing and it's like someone's kicked me in the chest. I don't want fast food, I want candy. I had a skor bar. 200 calories and I'm not proud of it. It didn't make me feel better but I'm also seeing the compulsion. I reached out to people before hand but no one was available. So I said ok...lets wade carefully through the motional mandline which is my brain and the only thing to light the way is this candy bar. 

Except it did nothing. Just made me sadder, still hurting, still not able to take my mind off of it or find relief. I know, I KNOW these feelings will pass but god until they do...it's like being kicked in the chest over and over. I cannot wait until this passes. I'm strong enough to get through it but it's going to hurt for another few days. I did at least get in my work out and am toying with doing a second work out tonight to exhaust myself so I'll sleep and not focus on whats bothering me. Am I using exercise to block out an deflect my feelings? 110%. I need to deflect these feelings until I can come up for air and deal with them calmly instead of letting it consume me. I don't know if I'll actually be able to get in the extra work out, but I'm thinking about it, surely that's got to count for something, right?

 

 

Well, I set myself a goal, to loose 5 lbs in 2 weeks. I didn't meet the goal. I only lost 3lbs. Worked out 6 days a week for the 2 weeks, kept the calories low, but something wanted to hold on to my weight. Slowly..oh so slowy I'm loosing weight. I kinda feel like the honeymoon stage is over (just almost 7 months) and now every lb will be a struggle. Hell, every lb really was a struggle before but this feels like it's possible with hard work. 

I'm not disappointed that I couldnt loose the 2lbs I so wanted to loose by tomorrow. I feel good that I ended the year working out and feeling better. I'll get the 2lbs, I'll get an additional 30lbs I want to loose as well. All in good time. Until then I shall bask in the 83lb weight loss and be grateful and mindful.

So...slow looser that I feel, I'm down 83 lbs. I've started working out regularily. I'm no gym rat but I'm finding if I just say ok, today Im going to go to the gym and I'm not going to worry about tomorrow then I don't get overwhelmed. I'm also trying to make the best out of my last week off work. I figure it's super hard for me to get in my workout during my regular work schedule (cuz I don't want to get up at 5 am and who wants to work out after work when they're tired?), so I'm going to do what I can to get in as many workouts as possible. I've been minding my food, slowly loosing and it's been a slow loss process but I am loosing inches. 

I added up all my inches lost since I started and it's 46.5 inches lost on my body. I'm starting to see the change. Had to use 4 safety pins to keep my workout pants around my hips so later went to Macy's today to buy new pants and Walmart for cheap work out clothes. I decided to buy a 16 so I could "grow/shrink" into them. I figured they'd be way too tight. I figured wrong. I tried on several different designers because we all know that designers have ranges and all the 16's fit. I mean...seriously? And I bought a 1x sweater. I was so inspired I went home and tried on one of my old latex tops I had tucked away from another ice age. Oh man...I forgot how good latex feels. When I took the pic and then compared it to my before picture I was shocked. I finally am seeing the change. Finally. My before picture is 10lbs lighter than my surgery weight. My after picture is today. It's so strange that when I look at myself in the mirror 99% of the time I see the before, not the after. Finally I'm seeing the after and I'm getting excited. I'm excited to see the protective shell I used to keep people away disolve and another part of me emerge. A me I've never seen before. Since puberty hit and the pcos was activated I've never been "thin". I've never seen my adult self as a healthy weight. Only once was I briefly this size many years ago. This. It's a healthier version of me physically and I think mentally. This surgery has forced me to really look at my food and how my brain uses it to self medicate myself. And if I show just a bit of cleavage, it's not an effort to be slutty, it's a realization that I am a sexual creature and look at that...I've got great boobs! Go me and positive self esteem happening! 

*In the interest of full disclosure..my boobs really aren't this great looking. That is the power of latex and it's ability to mold your body into perky shapes. Too bad latex isn't appropriate for every day wear.

I've lost 78lbs. Oh. ehm. Gee. 

I have lost more weight than I need to loose. 

So I counted up my days of stall. I felt like it had been 2 months when actually, the longest I've gone without loosing a single lb is 27 days. During that time period I think my body had the equivilant to sitting down and taking a big breather. I kinda gave up I think. during that time as I gained and lost the same 2 lbs. I stopped a lot of things and took a bit of a darker turn. Not dark in terms of food, overall that's been fine. But the other ways we self care, how I felt about myself, this process.

It is amazing how we try to sabatoge ourselves. How the need to self harm whether it be through food, drug, or just not taking care of ourselves, is exposed as we loose the weight. I've read and been told as we "release" the weight, we also release the chemicals stored in the fat cells into the blood stream. I'm no doctor and it's too early in the morning to fact check but it sounds believable. I'm in this state of (what feels like but really isn't) slow transformation. I've spent so much of my time self harming myself with food and not taking care of myself so I could be as invisible as I felt. Now that I'm releasing the food and trying to stop the sabotage, I see the mental struggle is not just with the food, but with me. I am becoming visible. People are starting to see "Me" versus the fat. And it's uncomfortable and weird and kinda thrilling all at the same time if I'm being honest. Figuring out how to manage the new emotions and the old ones layed bare is a balance which is delicate at best. I see why support and mental health is so critical.

I remember Dr. Hidalgo being so concerned over my mental state when I came out of surgery. "You must go outside and sit in the sun, see the ocean" he told me, to improve my mental state and just to feel better. I was scared, I thought I'd really harmed myself. But I've been harming myself with food for years. Wrapped up in all the self harm of food and depressions vicious cycle was a little fighter who made the choice to really climb out of the deep and help herself. 

I am so lucky to have this opportunity, to have been brave enough to make this happen. I want to enjoy this process of becoming visible again.

So I got frustrated and angry that my stall would never end. It went for just under 2 months, ok 6 1/2 weeks. Of sitting at the same weight, same measurements, I just stopped weighing myself. And then...it ended. I've lost 7lbs so far in the last 21 days bringing me to a total loss of 77 lbs. I'm 208. I really wished but was trying to come to peace that I would never get close to this weight during my stall. Thank you for finally moving body. Sure, I want to be in the 160's, and I'm jealous of those who've lost more because I want to be smaller. 

But this is me. 285 in June, 208 in November. June seems like yesterday. My Christmas wish is to be in onderland. I hope I'll make it. I hope I can keep working on this and figuring out my new relationship with food and how to overcome all the other stuff that was wrapped up in my food and obesity. My bigger wish is to kick up exercise. I've gone on a few hikes lately and shocked at how little it actually taxed my body. How easy it was to hike up hills and as I was expecting to get out of breath, while ever so slightly winded, I was fine. I have this new body that I'm trying to see, to feel, to work but with this midset that is changing. My mind is in a state of flux, sometimes confused over these changes, my connection and addiction to food, and who I want to become. I've had 2 coworkers lately say "morning skinny" and my gut reaction is to think they're making fun of me. But they aren't, and neither am I skinny. But I need to come to terms with the fact that not every single comment about my weight is meant to harm me. Some are just observations, non judgemental, and that in general people are being kind to me. I've spent a lifetime feeling bad about myself and the things people would say. Now it's time to shift my thinking not just about food and exercise, but about myself. Having this surgery was an extreme step, it was me forcing myself to deal with and change my ways physically. But I've got to keep working on the emotional side of this, keep focusing on mental health. The mental health pulls my physical health along. 

I've got to be kinder, gentler with myself while understanding that being healthy and making those types of choices is a form of self love and health.

If I never loose another pound, if I never get below 208,  I feel this surgery was worth it.

65lbs down.

So I'm at or I was 4 days ago, sitting on 220. Down from my 285 high before surgery. 

So how's life in the big sleeve city?

I'm still getting used to eating. And the whole thing you hear all the time that they do surgery on your stomach and not your head, yeah I totally get it now. My stomach will be full but my brain is pissed I've not finished my sandwich/food/whatever and it's like a compulsion to shove it in my mouth. Thankfully it seems like I'm making improvements in that area. I'm also throwing up quite a bit. Throwing up now isn't the same as pre surgery. Even dry heaving now is not as awful as it was before surgery. Figuring out what to eat is an issue. Since I'm self pay the nutritionist is self pay as well and at $450.00 a pop, I can't afford it. What I can afford is the internet and so have great information at my disposal along with all the help forums and whatnot.

So a few things I've noticed:

65lbs down and went out of town this weekend and no one said a word. They hadn't seen me since pre surgery. 

I'm getting attention from guys. Ok, I'm being noticed, not invisible anymore or at least less invisible

People still say shitty things "your face is gorgeous but the body..."   yeah...F.U. 

My coworkers are starting to comment on my food. Because I eat a few bites of things and then leave the lunch table I'm starting to hear things like "that's all your eating?". To which I say yes, I've got work to do and leave. Im not discussing my personal health with anyone.

My scars have not faded but they have changed from an angry purple to a smoother red.

I got depressed today thinking about the fact that I've had surgery and had part of my stomach removed. The seriousness, severity of the decision, questioning what have I done to myself, the whole enormity of the change to my body I've created really overwhelmed me for a bit. Sure, it's not the first time ever considering it or thinking. I was thinking about how someone whom I respected if I told him, he'd be so disappointed and not understand. It's not the disappointment that would bother me, it's the lack of understanding. I made a choice to permanently alter my body. What I have done cannot be undone. While I think I made the right decision, I still believe that this is major change and it's scary. Scary because I don't want to fail, scary because who knows if I've somehow done something to my body that down the line will hurt it. I'm scared that anything above 180lbs will be a waste of money. I'm 40 lbs away from that but still can't wrap my head around that it's even possible.

I don't have buyers remorse.

My pre op highest weight was 285.

I remember thinking omg, I am literally physically dying. On the pre op diet which I eased myself into, and before surgery I was 271. But there was a week in there which I had some good food and no scale. 

Anyway, today I'm 246.

5 weeks, 3 days out and having my first period. I've experienced a one week and a half stall sitting on 250 and so very slowly have started loosing again. I'm curious to see how much of this is water weight for the period (I'm talking just a few lbs). 

So month 1 - 21lbs

My goal is by my birthday which is July 27th, to be in the 230's, I think that is doable. Ok, I hope that is doable.

And if in 5 weeks time I am able to loose enough to get into the 220's I will have made one massive achievement. And if not, I will try and not be disappointed and just be grateful for my life and where I am.

 

Ok I've digressed...the NSV...so today feeling particularly crappy because I started my period and have debilitating cramps I decided to try on a shirt and see how it fit. It fit good! It fit right! So that started a tsunami of clothes that I dearly love and haven't worn because of my weight in years. And they all fit!! Ok, I did pull out a size 18 and started to try it on and the dressed chuckled and said not so fast missy..

But oh my old beautiful clothes fit. So today I'm grateful. 

 

 

Cant' remember my last post but can't be bothered to go back and re-read. Ohhh so lazy..

 

Finally in the last 4 days my ceroma has healed and I have a nice scab on my big incision. I think there is still a tiny tiny bit of drainage happening but not enough to keep the scab from forming hard. Yuck, I've never been so excited about a scab, lol.

 

In other news I'm pretty excited about my current stats after seeing loads of people posting about how they lost 25lbs in one week (why not me?!) and their fast and big weight loss. I had to stop weighing myself every day because I was freaking out over the scale moving so slowly. So I decided to go a Monday/Thursday weigh in. It's really helped my anxiety on my weight loss and thankfully it allows me to see the numbers move. I'm a slow looser. Usually about .5 - 1lb a day.

So my stats:

HW:285

POW( did this for 3-4 weeks): 272

SW:271

CW: 250 

So 20lbs in just shy of 3 weeks. I choose to be happy about this. I know others have lost far more but given my pcos and issues, Im ok with 20lbs.

A grand total of 35lbs lost in just under 2 months.

Ok, so that doesn't sound so impressive either. But Im so tickled to be sitting on 250. My birthday is at the end of July and I'm excited to see if by then I can be down to 240 or even (fingers crossed) in the high 230's. 

So my weight loss goals which I have no idea if they are realistic or not:

June - 285 -> 245

July 245 -> 235/230

August - 235/230 -> 225/220

September 220 -> 210/205

October 205 -> Wonderland!!

 

Keeping in mind about my 1/2 - alb a day loss, I could potentially loose more or I could stall and derail everything. Im choosing to remain positive.

I swore I wouldn't become someone obsessed with the numbers. Then I became someone obsessed with the numbers. And the number seem to crawl at a snails pace. Realizing I was becoming stressed and fretting, I decided on Thursday I would not check my weight until Monday. That's been quit tricky because as much as I used to crave food I now crave the scale. 

 

I put on a pair of stretchy pants and they were tight. I convinced myself that I've gained weight but still managed not to check my weight. IT's possible the paints shrunk in the dryer as they're synthetic and they used to fit before the 20lb weight loss. It's unlikely I gained 20lbs in a few days eating only 400 calories a day so I just needed to take a step back. I'll check Monday and hope I've lost more weight. Tuesday will be week three gone since surgery. Fingers crossed that I've lost 5-6lbs this week. That's what I'm really hoping for. We'll see. No watching the scales.

I woke up this morning feeling like my body had finally gotten a hold of whatever it was that was making me feel bad. Ceromas aren't uncommon, it's still there, but I've been feeling a tightness in my abdomen that has felt like someone gripping me and not letting go. It felt better to massage and stretch but I just didn't feel great in my body. Mentally I've been fine but physically my body seems to have been in shock. I woke up this morning feeling lighter, I felt like my body beat down whatever was making me unwell and now that I don't feel it, it's amazing just how unwell I was feeling. It took awhile to figure it out but the tightness in my abdomen is gone. The incision with the ceroma is tender but no more than one would expect. I'm so thankful the antibiotics kept any and everything at bay so my body could gain strength and now that I'm off of them a few days I'm strong enough to fight whatever was making me feel unwell. I'm also starting to sleep a bit better. I've had bad insomnia, a side effect of stopping and starting one of my meds and it's finally easing. 

Weight loss wise it's slow. Looks like I'm averaging .5 - 1lb per day and it seems to be getting slower. I wonder if I'm starting to slide into a stall. I'm trying to prepare myself for The Stall, which seems to happen to everyone. My birthday is the end of next month. If I can average a 5lb weight loss per week I'd loose 30-ish lbs and be in the 220's range. I cannot imagine that. To be 220's on my birthday would be incredible. It seems so impossible, but with this tool it is.

In some ways it feels like I'm loosing this self created costume and I'm finally making it possible to let everyone see me, not the fat first clown, but just me. It's both scary and wonderful.