Shanneee

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After ordering vitimins off vitalady last night, I decided to call the surgeon's office today to see if they could write me a note to get my flex spending to cover them.  While talking to the nurse about this, I asked her if she could explain why my legs are aching so bad.  I told her how they are preventing me from sleeping, and that they constantly ache.  She immediately got very concerned and told me she needed to talk to the surgeon about it.  About an hour later she called me back and said that I need to go back to United (the hospital where I had surgery) to have an ultrasound and a full metabolic panel.  Apparently this is a warning sign of blood clots.  I checked in and had the ultrasound.  Thankfully everything checked out and they didn't find any clots.  Tomorrow they should have the bloodwork back and hopefully will be able to figure out what is going on.  It is soooo painful!  

After the trip to the hospital, I headed to my first support group meeting.  It was "interesting" and I'm still processing.  I always imagined a support group would be a more intimate setting but there were about 30-40 people there.  A few people monopolized most of the time asking their questions but the answers were still helpful.  I will definitely go back again but am hoping that it's a smaller group next time. 

I did pretty good getting more calories in today.  I almost hit 800!  I'm hoping if I can keep my calories up a little I will start losing more.  We'll see how it goes!  

Since putting the scale in the closet to preserve my sanity, self esteem and emotional turbulance I have settled on Monday morning as my weekly weigh in time.  This morning I weighed in for the first time in a week (with the exception of my post op visit) and was down a few more pounds.  My scale sucks so I am somewhere between 279 and 281.  I'm going with the middle and calling it 280.  That means I have lost 23 pounds so far.  I have some bittersweet feelings about it.  I'm happy to have lost 23 pounds but bummed that I haven't lost more.  I've only been able to get in 500-600 calories each day so it seems odd that I'm not losing more.  But I also recognize that my body is going through some crazy changes and might not react to the weight loss very well.  I just need to spend more time focusing on Non Scale Victories! 

I worked from home today and spent most of the day doing research on vitamins.  I can't believe how confusing it is!  My doc wasn't very specific, just telling me to take a multivitamin with Iron in it.  After looking at other posts and the ASBS guidelines it's much more complicated than that.  Not only do I need a multi with iron, it needs to have a bunch of other stuff, too.  I also need to take 2000 mg of calcium citrate.  I have been taking Citrical Petites once or twice a day but just found out tonight that I should be taking TWO at a time and they are only 200 mg each.  That means to get my daily calcium I need to be taking 10 of them a day.  GROSS.  Even though they are "petite" they are way bigger than expected.  Thankfully the new ones I am getting are 500 mg each and they melt in your mouth as opposed to having to swallow. 

As for other vitamins, the chance of me needing Iron is pretty high and I'm already low on my vitamin D so should be taking that as well.  And that's just to start.  After spending all day looking into this I determined that I am going to go with either Costco Kirkland One a Day vitamins or Centrum Chewables.  I spent $150 ordering a bunch of stuff from Vitalady.com including calcium citrate, iron and vitamin D- all in the forms that we can absorb.  I would have never guessed that we couldn't absorb most drug store vitamins!  To treat myself I also got two new sugar free syrups and a few protein bars.  Can't wait to get them!  

I took Myloh and Dexter (the foster dog) for a walk again tonight.  You say the word "walk" around Dex and he gets soooo excited.  It's adorable.  We have only had him two days and the hubby keeps asking if we can keep him.  He's so cute but I enjoy the temporary fostering option rather than having two dogs again.  We'll see, though...he's just so mellow!  Anyways, we took a much longer walk than normal and spent almost an hour going around the lake and trails by my house.  The dogs walked very well once I shortened their leashes and I got some great exercise.  

My legs are still super achey today and I can't help but wonder if it's from the exercise.  I'm used to walking some but not as much as I have done lately. It just doesn't seem like normal "workout aches".  If it keeps up another few days I am going to call the doc and see what they have to say.  In the mean time, more Tylenol!

I think I had a dumping reaction from dinner tonight.  I reheated some cabbage rolls I had in the freezer and ate about half of one before getting really bad diarrhea.  Not sure what would be in them that would cause dumping, as they are very low fat and even made with turkey as opposed to beef.  I'm going to be brave and try them again tomorrow to see how that goes.  

A small victory for the day- this is the first day that I have managed to get down 64+ ounces of actual WATER.  I have such trouble drinking so much water, as it's not habit and it's just hard to remember.  But I have been trying all day and although it's almost 2 am, I finally did it!  Of course I didn't get in enough protein because I didn't have a shake today.  But I did spend time making out a grocery list so I can have some food around here that I actually can and should eat!  Can't wait!!!

Well, off to bed.  I stayed up waaaay too late and need to get up in the morning!

I didn't get on here last night to do my "nightly report" so thought I'd update today.  So yesterday I dragged the hubby out for a walk again.  I promised him if he came he'd only have to go halfway around the lake instead of the full way AND he could wear his flip flops.  He obliged, somewhat begrudgingly.  It was a nice walk and our new foster dog just LOVED it!  He got so excited when I said the word "walk" that he ran to the door.  So cute.

Other than the walk, I didn't do too much yesterday.  Hubby went to get some ice cream, against my advice (if only they would actually LISTEN to us).  He had lap band about two months before my RNY and still eats everything he did before.  I'm trying to encourage him with some of my attempted good habits (no bread, rice, etc) but he just seems to get agitated with me.  Which is understandable but I wish there was some other way to get through to him.  Ice cream is what got us here in the first place and it sure as hell isn't going to get us out. 

Before he left, he asked if I wanted anything and I told him to grab me a protein bar.  Being the "sale junkie" that he is (well, that we both are) he found a "Full Bar" on sale and brought one home for me.  After looking at the nutrition (high in carbs) I wasn't too impressed but didn't want to insult him so started eating it anyways.  Bad idea.  I ate 3/4 of it (as a dinner replacement) and wanted to vomit.  Obviously I ate way too much!  It made me SO full and due to the crappy carbs in it, didn't really do my body any good.  I should have listened to my brain and said NO instead of trying not to hurt his feelings and eating it.  Shame on me!  But lesson learned.  

Before bed, I started getting HORRIBLE aches in my legs.  I had these sometimes before surgery, but never this bad.  They just ACHED!  I wanted to cry and couldn't find a comfortable position.  Instead of going to bed early like I had planned, I stayed up until 2am reading because I couldn't sleep due to the pain.  I finally took two Tylenol which took the edge off the pain enough for me to fall asleep but when I woke up in the morning it was back again.  It's HORRIBLE and I just don't know what to do about it.  Someone had a similar post but their problem was cramping and the old timers recommended more potassium.  But I don't know if that applies to me.  Time to get on the good old internet and do some more research!

For the first time since my surgery I FINALLY got some alone time!  Right after surgery my mom was here for a week and the day after she left, I went back to work.  This morning, hubby got up and went out of town to a golf tournament with his brother and uncles.  I slept in until about 10:30 (of course I couldn't fall asleep last night so was up until 3) and got up with a bug up my butt to do some therapeutic cleaning.  And holy crap did I clean!  The dining room, which tends to be the "catch all room" for just about everything was a disaster and is now so clean you could eat off the floor!  The kitchen is spotless, the living room is rearranged and cleaned and I even washed the sheets and blankets on all the beds!  Call me crazy for using my first "free day" to clean the house but at a time where I feel so out of control with everything else in my life, it was nice to take control of something.  

Despite all the cleaning I got done today, I neglected my eating habits a little bit.  The day started off well with a protein shake (I use Body Fortress vanilla and chocolate) with an ounce of my new sugar free syrup- Dolce de Leche.  Yummy!  I drank this at about 11 and then got cleaning.  At about 5:00 I realized I was starving and hadn't eaten anything since the morning so had 2 ounces of chicken salad.  Fast forward until 10pm and I realized I hadn't eaten anything since 5 and was starving.  I ate about 2 cups of watermelon over the course of an hour (it's mostly water so I figured it was ok) but by midnight was pretty hungry again.  At about 1am (crazy schedule today, I know) I had a couple pieces of beef jerky.  I was drinking lots of water all day, as I was busy cleaning, but I don't feel great about my food and/or choices.  Part of it is that I'm just not sure WHAT to be eating now.  But this is exactly what would happen pre-surgery.  I'd get so busy with life that I'd forget to eat and when I remembered I'd be famished and make all the wrong choices.  I need to stop this again before it starts!

The negativity just kind of treaded water today.  I didn't THINK about failure a lot but it was still THERE, hovering over me.  The TV playing in the background reminded me a few times that failure is possible and seems somewhat inevitable.  I CAN'T let these thoughts rule me though.  I need some sort of "victory" whether non-scale or not to help me reaffirm that I did the right thing.  But I just don't want to take that scale out of the closet.  I'll leave optimism for tomorrow, though.  

Over and out!

So I know I said that I was going to "suck it up" and stop thinking about failing, but so many things about today made me rethink and over think it all again.  This was basically my first "busy" day back at work where I had several meetings around the city and had to get back to the office to do a report.  Before I left for work I made my usual protein shake and jazzed it up with some English Toffee sugar free syrup (yummy!).  This was at about 11 am.  By 2:00 I was STARVING and ate a Chobani Champions Greek Yogurt and a hardboiled egg.  By 4:00 I passed a Burger King and without even realizing it, thought to myself "I should stop and grab a little snack off the dollar menu".  What the hell was I thinking?  I'm not sure I was even hungry, I just wanted Burger King.  And as soon as it dawned on me what I did I felt this incredible sense of loss.  According to the "old timers" if I want to make this work I need to stay away from Burger King.  With the BK habit I had, that's like losing a family member!

Soon after, I experienced another major hunger pain and tried to quelch it with a sugar free pudding mixed with a tablespoon of protein powder.  As much as I like pudding it was just so unsatisfying.  And of course, an hour later I was literally starving again.  I stopped at Menards to pick up some things from their "Crazy Days" sale and as I was leaving "BOOM" it hit me again.  I was starving.  As I looked over the candy aisle they conveniently place by the check outs I wanted to cry.  No more Everlasting Gobstoppers for me.  No more Milk Duds.  No more Mike & Ikes.  No more carmels, chocolate covered peanuts or bridge mix.  No more candy bars.  I'm not sure if I should feel guilty or not but I bought a beef stick and ate half of it on the way home.  I chewed slowly and thoroughly but it didn't really help my craving.  

When I got home and finally sat down for the first time today and realized it's the weekend my mind immediately went to my old friends "Chips and Dip"...along with my hubby, they are usually my Friday night dates.  But not tonight.  Tonight I'm stuck with egg salad.  And even after half a beef stick I was still hungry and wanted it.  Actually, I'm not even sure I was hungry.  I just wanted it.  I wanted food.  I wanted something soothing and yummy and comforting.  My usual food.  And I kind of feel like I failed already.  Instead of confronting my feelings head on, I stepped on the top of that slippery slope and did the next possible thing by eating when I wasn't even really hungry.  I just felt a little out of control.  So why the heck would I do this to myself??? And even then, why does my stomach "need" so much food so early on? 

There were just so many reminders of the things I love about food and the things I loved about my old life today.  The fact that my scale is in the closet and I don't feel like I'm losing anything isn't helping.  I just feel a little out of control these days and for a control freak like me...that isn't easy.  

So that's my day.  I miss junk food.  And I fear failure.  And although I said I was "over this", I guess I'm really not.  :(

Wow, yesterday sure was a debbie downer day.  I'm actually really glad I posted on the blog about it and very thankful for the feedback.  I feel so much better today!  Away with the negative thoughts and on with living my life the best I can. 

Today was my "2 week" post op check up with Dr. Kelly.  He cleared me to eat pureed & soft foods, for unlimited exercise and declared me in good health.  He also recommended attending the support groups held monthly.  I was a little bummed that the scale said 2 pounds more than my home scale did last time I weighed in.  But seeing as the home scale is tucked safely away in the closet and I am attempting to resist the urge to weigh in every day...I just have to go with it.  Hopefully I haven't hit the three week stall a week early but all signs do seem to be pointing to it. 

I have noticed that my one pair of jeans is getting a little big.  While killing time between getting my tires rotated and my check up, I wandered over to a Goodwill.  It took me about 20 minutes to realize that they had a "misses" section separate from the rest of the clothes and by that point I was quite discouraged.  However, after perusing the section I picked out about 6 pairs of pants to try on.  I didn't want anything that fit me now, as I think I can get a few more weeks out of my current clothes but I did end up finding two new pairs of work pants and a cute courderoy skort.  I'm guessing all three items will fit me in about 10-15 more pounds.  As usual, shopping depresses me but it was nice to buy something that I know will fit me soon.  It was also the first time I've ever bought anything from a second hand store.  Not too traumatic.  My only complaint is that Goodwill separates bottoms from tops even if it's a suit.  How the heck am I supposed to find matching bottoms and tops if they separate them?  Dumb!

This evening I did a little cleaning around the house and my former roommate, or heterosexual life partner (HSLP), as we call each other, came over for a walk and talk.  Now I HATE walking.  It is the most boring exercise in the entire world and it just seems pointless to me to WALK somewhere when I could drive, run, bike or even skip and get there faster.  Silly, huh?  But walk and talks are fine by me....it's just a nice opportunity to get some exercise while venting about lifes problems.  

Our walk and talk went great!  We ended up going about two miles, maybe more and had a great conversation.  She told me that she was doing some research about how to support someone who has had weight loss surgery and had learned a lot about the procedure and some of the scary things that come along with it.  I was surprised and honored that she thought that much to do some research on it.  I guess that's why she's my HSLP!  She told me that she found a lot of stuff on websites cautioning people against the surgery and a whole bunch of other stuff telling people not to ask too many questions about it.  I called BS on both and told her that as long as she doesn't ask me "how much have you lost now?" every time I see her that she can ask me whatever she wants!  But it also brought out an interesting point...I wonder if other friends of mine that know don't know how to act around me now?  It didn't occur to me that OTHER people might think or feel differently about how to approach me...I just kinda figured everything would be the same.  I guess I need to do a little more thinking on that one. 

A good thing that came out of tonight was that my HSLP wants to start getting healthier too.  I told her I wanted to be running 5K's again by spring and I'd like to do more biking and weight lifting.  She really wants to start doing more running and biking, too, so as long as we make the time to get together I will hae a partner in crime.  Additionally, I told her I was going to finally take my gym membership off "vacation" status and start going so I can do some toning with weights.  She seemed interested in that and is going to come with me some time to see if she likes the gym...after all, it's right on her way home.  

This is super good for me because I have been spending a lot of time thinking about what an exercise routine will mean for me now.  Although I always wanted to succeed with activity pre-op, there was never such a compelling reason to get fit as there is now.  Now, if I don't get in better shape, I will be that saggy, droopy 32 year old that STILL can't wear any cute clothes because I'm too busy trying to hide my nasty bat wings and thunder thighs.  I just hope that when it comes down to it I can actually find a routine that I will stick with!  

Last but not least, I finally ate an egg!  I boiled up some eggs, made individual little egg salads out of each one and packed them up for lunches.  I had one for dinner too and it was DEEEE-Licious!  It was so nice to try something different and it went down just fine.  The only concern I had is that I wasn't full by the time I was done and feel like I could have eaten more.  I'm hoping that is because my stomach nerves haven't grown back but worried it might be because I have too big of a stomach.  But only time will tell, I guess. 

Off to bed!  Over and out-

I have spent so much time reading, asking questions, analyzing information and preparing for my new life with the mini-stomach that it just all kind of hit me today.  I love the information I get on here, but it seems that with every question or comment on the message board, there are one or two "old timers" who are trying to give a "wake up call" to those posting by talking about the failure rate and how 2 years out you are going to have to try just as hard if not harder to keep the weight off as you would have had to before surgery.  I know they are just trying to prepare us for "the real world" when malabsorbtion goes away, but it's just so depressing!  I have just started my journey and I am already worried about failure and discouraged about it all.  What's the point of having this surgery if I am probably going to gain it all back? 

Now, I'll be perfectly reasonable.  I know that they don't MEAN I am destined to gain it back.  And they don't MEAN that I'm going to automatically fail.  But when I think of my life as a thin person, limiting my calorie intake to 1400 per day and exercising every day...it's just hard to imagine.  But if I don't do that long term, failure is my only option.  

I know the answer to this is to succeed.  But success seems so far away right now when I've lost 20 pounds and have so far to go.  So I feel a little alone in my potential future failure and feel a little silly for even thinking about it.  Taking it one day at a time is the REAL best option but it's so hard to do when I'm feeling down in the dumps. 

Aside from that, it is my two week "surgiversary" today.  Two weeks ago today I went under the knife in an effort to change my life and my eating habits.  I have lost over 20 pounds (before putting the scale in the closet) and I'm sure a few inches (although my fat jeans still fit).  So my first two weeks are a success by all means, if only I can get the potential future failure out of my mind.  

Up tomorrow is my post op visit at the surgeon's office.  Hopefully he will be happy with my progress so far! 

So I did it.  I put the scale in the closet.  I have gone all day without weighing myself.  It's basically killing me right now but I KNOW that this constant weighing is not good for me and there is no reason that I can't wait until Thursday when I have my post op appointment to get weighed in.  But it's still driving me nuts because I WANT to know I have lost more.  I have a feeling that the inevitable three week stall is going to be really tough on me. 

Today was my second day back at work.  I let myself sleep in a little more this morning and went into the office at about 11.  If I could actually get to bed at a decent hour it probably wouldn't be so hard to get up in the morning.  But I've never been one for doing things the easy or common sense way!  I had a little difficulty concentrating at work and left at about 3:30 for an appointment.  The appointment, well, I have been on a quest for over a year now to figure out what makes my mind tick and determine why I use and abuse food the way that I do.  As a part of this quest, I have been meeting every other week with a counselor who deals specifically with food issues.  During my time seeing her, I came to the realization on my own, that I needed a little extra help and that I wasn't going to be doing it on my own.  She was very hesitant for me to proceed, as she sees a lot of people who have failed at the surgery.  But I knew I had to give it a go.  So in addition to my surgery I have pledged to continue to see her to discuss my emotions related to food.  Today was my first appointment back since my surgery and it went very well!  She was surprised by how well I am doing and we talked a lot about where I might want to focus in the coming months.  I think, in order to get the most out of these session, I need to refocus and work specifically on these issues without letting the other day to day chaos of my life interfere.  Usually I go in there, spout off on whatever is bothering me and we never seem to get to the food related issues because I'm so full of other stuff.  But from now on- FOCUS!  Focus Shannon, focus!

After my appointment, I met a friend for my first reward!  In celebration of my 20 pound loss, I FINALLY got a much needed pedicure!  Seriously...I needed it.  And it felt glorious.  My toes are now a super cute trendy new shade of blue and I got to spend some quality time with a friend!  I should have stayed out, though, as I got roped into helping the hubby stain the deck for a few hours when I got home.  :)

Overall, today was a nice day.  It's almost 11 pm and I am exhausted and hoping sleep will come easy.  Tomorrow our foster dog has a meet and greet and may get adopted.  We have had her for two months so it will be weird adjusting to life without her.  But I'm hoping for the best. 

Over and out-

Today was my first day back to work after a much needed (both medically and mentally) week and a half off from work for surgery.  Luckily I have a pretty flexible job so when I just wasn't moving very fast this morningg, I took my time and made it in to the office by noon.  My boss greeted me on my arrival, told me I was looking well and advised me not to do too much- easing into work was ok with him.  Of course I've never been good at heeding advice so when a co-worker asked me to stay late to help him with a project I did.  Shame on me! 

I did manage to get home by 6:30 and was definitely feeling the exhaustion.  We were all out of protein powder and my husband wanted me to go to the store and pick some up but I wasn't feeling the motivation.  Thankfully he agreed to go with me, which made the trip much easier.  We are now fully stocked with Body Fortress protein powder.  It's actually pretty good and one of the least expensive kinds I have run across.  It is low in sugar and carbs and has 26g of protein per scoop.  Between that and my greek yogurt and cottage cheese getting protein in shouldn't be that bad.  

I'm a little tired tonight but the day actually went better than I had hoped.  I wasn't sleepy at work at all.  My coworkers were glad to have me back and although no one noticed my 20 pound loss, I can't say I expected them to quite yet. 

Up next for me is starting some sort of exercise program.  I've been focussing on the eating since surgery with the occasional walk around my neighborhood (few and far between) but know I really need to focus on getting to the gym and getting back in shape.  I know my surgeon won't clear me for full exercise for a few more weeks which is giving me an excuse to not exercise right now but I know I could at least be walking.  But walking is soooooo boring to me!  Yawn!  Thankfully on Wednesday I have a "walking date" with a friend to talk about how we can help each other get back into shape.  I'd really like to start running again and do another 5K next spring.  An easy goal, especially considering I will be much lighter by then!  

Oh, and I FINALLY hit the 20 pound mark.  I say finally because it took me three days to get there, but the arrival of Aunty Flo seems to have hijacked that.  I also did my second #2 today which put me over the edge.  One more pound lost for me bringing me to 20 pounds total.  Now I have to find a way to "honor" my idea of not weighing in every day... THAT is going to be tough!  

Whoah Nelly is my body in overdrive today!  After almost two weeks of no "#2" I was starting to feel a little backed up.  In frustration, I took a capful of Miralax and mixed it with my protein shake.  For those of you considering this- DO NOT DO IT.  Not because of the side effects but because it was absolutely the most disgusting thing I have ever tasted.  I'm not sure if the addition of more powder changed the consistancy or if it was the milk or what...but it was by far the most disgusting thing I have ever drank.  I literally had to plug my nose and pour it down my throat to get it down.  I'm sure I could have done it the easy way and dumped it out to start over, but I guess I've never been one for doing things the easy way.  Haha.  

This morning I woke with the WORST stomach cramps ever.  I figured this was from the Miralax so gave it a little more time to "do it's thing"...at abouot 2PM, "it's thing" came out.  I'm not going to share all the fascinating details of my first #2 since surgery (despite a very odd and disturbing desire to do so) but I was so very thankful to have some relief!  Despite the relief, however, my cramping persisted.  By this evening I figured out why...I got my period.  Sorry for the TMI for any men who might be reading this, but it's the strangest thing!  One of the reasons I opted to do this surgery and to do it now was because of my husband and I's issues with conceiving.  I rarely, if ever, get my period and when you don't get a period you usually don't ovulate.  No ovulation means no babies.  It has been well over a year since I've seen my last period and all the sudden a week and a half after surgery it shows up on my "doorstep" like it has a reservation.  "Just hear for my monthly check in" or something.  

I'm sure it's related to the crazy hormones coursing through my body right now.  I've cried twice today and screamed at my husband another two times.  Granted he was being a doof, but whoa hormones...slow down!  My body is in overdrive and there doesn't seem to be an end anywhere.  But I'm still thankful...this is a sign that I'm not broken beyond repair.  Those reproductive organs are still working, albeit a little rustily.  And hopefully a year from now I'll be healthy enough to start making babies!  :)  As for the cramps- Thank GOD for Tylenol! 2 half pills and a half hour and they are gone!

On another note, despite the arrival of my first #2, I didn't lose any weight today.  I know I can't count a two day "stall" as a true stall, but it could be the start of one.  I was so eager to hit that 20 pound mark!  We'll see what tomorrow brings...  After I finally hit it I'm planning to put the scale away.  This obsession with weighing every day isn't healthy (I know this)!  Once a week would be just fine, I'm sure.

In addition to the craziness above, it's been an interesting day.  I've been tryin to track my protein better and struggling to get my liquids in.  I had this problem pre-surgery and it ins't getting any easier afterwards.  I think it's time for a post on the message board asking for a little help!