Shanneee

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Today, for the first time since my surgery, my mom left to go back up north.  She deemed me "healed" and a "bad patient" due to my insistance that we constantly be "doing things" but in secret I know she loved it once she got over the shock of how quickly I was bouncing back.  To be honest, I was surprised she stayed this long.  But as soon as she left I did something I never do...I cried.  Maybe it was the fear of being "alone", or the sadness over losing my daily partner in crime or just the hormones...but I was so sad.  I don't think that ever, in my entire life, I have cried when my mom left.  I know I'll be alright "on my own" but her experience and expertise have really helped me through this last week.  At times I was a little snotty and snappy to her, but I really will miss her.  :(

After she left, I did my crying and my husband came in and snuggled with me.  He's not the most understanding or pampering man out there so it felt good.  After a short nap, I got up and sat on the couch and did some OH message board stuff.  Not too long after, the hubby came in and said "get up, we are going for a walk!"  I eyed him warily, as never before in the history of our marriage has he wanted to go for a walk, muchless tried to get me to go.  Even though I was feeling down in the dumps, I couldn't really turn him down so off we went!  We walked about 2 miles and I ended up ggetting a nasty blister on the back of my left foot because of my shoes/short socks.  Darnit.  But the walk was refreshing and the dogs loved it.  The shower afterrwards was almost as enjoyable as the walk!  

Afterwards, we ran to Target for a few essentials.  My husband just HAD to put tortilla chips, a Twix and a Totino's pizza in the cart.  He did promise that those would be his last tortilla chips, though.  We'll see if that lasts but I sure hope so.  He had the lap band in June and has been able to eat just about everything and anything.  This also means he isn't losing anything either.  He thinks it will all come with time and his band fills but I don't think the doc would object to him eating healthier.  Hopefully my good habits will rub off on him. 

He wanted to grab a bit to eat after Target and I was amenable to anything that had soup, which I figured would go down well.  We settled on Perkins where he proceeded to order my all time favorite meal (the chicken tendermelt and fries).  I was stuck with a cup of soup.  It was tough...I drooled over his meal.  He giggled at mine.  Then he got sick a third of the way through (the bread didn't agree with his band) which made me feel a little better.  Hehe...karma!  I ate my soup.  He put his food in a box.  I ate three french fries.  They went down well.  I sighed.  I think this is one of my signs.  Sighing.  I heard somewhere that when you are eating and sigh it means you are full.  Well, I sighed so maybe it's so?  

The temptations are everywhere.  They are staring me in the face, tripping me as I walk, bouncing off me as lay down and even crawling up my nostrils as I close my eyes.  They won't ever go away, I know.  Somehow I need to get into the "zone" of healthiness where I am strong and don't want or need them.  I have been there before (doing weight watchers) and know I have it in me.  I just need to get there again!  

On a different note- Today is the first day I have not lost any weight.  My weight this morning was the same as yesterday.  I suspect it might have somethin to do with the fact that I haven't had a bowel movement (yuck) since the night before the surgery.  I've been sucking on sugar free candies like they are going out of style and still haven't felt anything move.  I hope all the plumbing is still hooked up all right down there!  If no poop tomorrow I'm going to down some miralax and let that flush me out.  It's time.  Hopefully that will help shake this one day plateau!  

It's only the 9th day of my new mini stomach and I'm amazed by my progress so far.  My morning weigh in brought forth some amazing news...I am less than a pound away from my first 20 pound goal.  How the heck is it possible to lose 20 pounds in a week and a half?  I mean, really?  20 pounds?  That's insane!  INSANE!  I'm sure the first "few" pounds come off the easiest but it's almost getting my hopes up too much.  Maybe it really WILL be possible to get to my goal weight?  Statistics seem to weigh against it but hell, if I can lose 20 pounds in one week why not?  On the flip side, it could mean that I'm losing super fast now and I will come to a dead stop soon?  Let's hope it's the former, not the later.

On a different note, it's getting easier to see how the temptations in life sabotage so many WLS patients.  My mom is still in town and today we went to Costco to pick up a few essentials and get out of the house.  It was sample day and soooo hard to say no!  I think if I was feeling worse, had dumping or nausea it might be easier.  But I feel perfectly fine.  I could easily have chewed and swallowed the the pretzel samples they were given away.  The Famous Amos cookie sample would have gone down well with the milk.  And the rhye bread with olive spread would have probably settled just fine in my seemingly ironclad new stomach.  And really, would a well chewed piece of ham have harmed me?  But I'm TRYING to be good.  I'm TRYING to take things slow despite my mind and body's insistance that nothing has changed.  So I avoided the cookies (I did drink the mild, though- protein=good), the pretzels and other "junk".  And boy was it hard!  Why can't I have a little bit of that nausea/dumping/vomiting just to keep me in check?  Who would have thought I'd be asking for it?  Really?  Am I nuts?

Even coming home, I look at all the temptations around the house.  My husbands chips in the cupboard.  I remember how good that salt felt on my tongue before I would chew.  I'd just let it sit there for a second and absorb it.  Mmmm.  The pickles in the fridge- they look delicious too.  And the Hershey bars I found stored in the freezer...one little nibble wouldn't hurt, would it?  Ahhhh!  The temptations are everywhere. 

So for now, I'm avoiding the pickles, the chocolate, the nuts and all the other foods I'm used to and sticking with my 1/2 cup of fat free refried beans.  It isn't the same and it certainly wont get rid of my chocolate craving but it's a step in the right direction.  Hopefully tomorrow will reward me with my first goal of a 20 pound loss!

Today starts the second week of my life with a new stomach and my mind seems to be struggling a little to grasp all the changes.  As those around me snack on chips, chocolate and popcorn I can't help but drool over and crave them.  My mind wants so much to have a nibble or a taste and I suspect that my stomach wouldn't even mind...but I know that all it takes is a nibble or a taste and I am back to where I was only one week ago with uncontrollable urges and a depandence on sugar.  My surgery was only a week ago and I know I need to prove to myself that I can do it before I allow myself indulgences. 

I am thankful that the burning hunger I felt (hindsight tells me it was definitely head hunger) is basically gone.  I'm struggling, however, with determining what portion size I should be having in the absence of real hunger is a struggle.  I'm not supposed to eat much beyond pureed foods so eating any protein of substance is out of questions.  And a girl can only have so many protein shakes in one day.  I guess I need to start bulking up on them, though.  I'm looking forward to the days of a chicken breast or a steak, though.  Mmmm...chicken!  

Today I have also felt a little out of sorts.  My tummy ached a little more than usual today and I've been much more tired than normal.  I'm hoping this is a one day thing and not my new norm.  Going back to work on Monday is going to be rough.  And not because I'm not able to work- because I've sure been enjoyingg this time off!  

Today's the day!  My very first one week anniversary!  One week ago today I was crazy enough to let Dr. Kelly make five small incisions in my belly, stick a camera inside, cut open my stomach and rearrange my insides all so I could have a better chance of beating my obesity.  It all seems a little surreal! 

The top six highlights and lowlights of the last week are as follows:

LOWLIGHTS
- Miralax bowel prep which causes you to pee out of your butt every 15 minutes for 3+ hours until you have nothing left to give
- IV HELL!  It took the nurses 5, yes FIVE tries before they were able to get the IV into my arm.  Likely a result of the Miralax
- Hospital Bed:  It's a cross between sleeping on a friends floor and sleeping in a recliner, neither of which work for me
- Gas:  This was by far the most traumatic part of my experience.  I was in TEARS from the horrible gas pains and just wanted to die.  Thankfully a few heating packs and 5 miles of walking later and I was out of the woods. 
- Head Cravings:  Oh how I long for a Big Mac, french fry, ice cream cone, popcorn...anything of substance!  But alas- I'm not "actually" hungry...


HIGHLIGHTS
- Pain Pump:  Who wouldn't love the ability to press a magic button and rapidly shoot a dose of morphine through their veins...ah, how I miss you pain pump!
- Sleeping in my own bed:  Oh how I missed her!
- Fantastic surgeon and nursing staff:  I don't know how I would have made it out of there without them! 
- Obesityhelp.com message boards:  As my body has started the process, I have had so many questions answered on here!
- No dumping or nausea!  I'm one of the lucky ones and haven't had more than a gas bubble since leaving the hospital.
- And of course...WEIGHT LOSS!  I have lost 14.2 pounds my first week alone!  That's almost 10% of what I need to lose!  I can only hope the rest of my weeks go an eighth as well!


One week out I am finally starting to see some patterns in how my new stomach.  It's like on one of the Disney movies when all the animals start singing and dancing.  The animals sing a song with a real message to the audience...just like my stomach!   Gurgle, gurgle, pop, groan actually means something!  Now I'm certainly not an expert at this yet...I have merely figured out that there really IS a message in the song.  But I'm looking forward to the next few weeks and months of learning "name that tune"! 

Day 6 has brought a little more insight towards my body and my mind when it comes to my surgery and future.  Yesterday I had a major freak out when I was able to eat 3/4 a cup of food for dinner.  Thankfully some helpful OH folks let me know that if you let yourself, you can eat a lot more during this stage because the soft pureed foods are all "sliders" and go through your stomach as you are eating them.  But they also brought up some good points... just because I *can* eat 3/4 a cup doesn't mean I should.  At this stage I should only be eating small amounts otherwise I'm putting my pouch at risk and I won't see the benefit of rapid weight loss.  Although I remember reading it before surgery, I didn't really remember that the nerves in the stomach are severed during surgery and will take awhile to grow back.  This explains why I am never getting that "full" feeling that I am used to.  This also explains why the constant hunger I'm feeling (which is FINALLY starting to ease, by the way) isn't as much physical and in my stomach but more in my chest (obviously you can't feel REAL hunger in your chest, silly!)  

Not having a physical feeling of hunger or fullness is pretty scary and although most people seem to get it back when the nerves grow back 3-6 months post op, some people are 3 years out and still don't have it.  How the heck do they function?  Apparently many people have turned to other signs that have come as a result of the lost feeling.  I have heard quite a few different "signs" that people claim tell them they are full.  One lady said she knows she is full when her body sends out a series of 3 hiccups.  Another says that everytime she needs to stop eating, her nose starts running.  A few others have mentioned a hiccup/burp pehnominom.  It's amazing how our body feels a loss and steps in with a creative way to compensate!  So now I'm on the search for "my sign".  So far today I have noticed a hiccup (two separate occasions) and my nose just started running as I was drinking a protein shake.  Maybe it's my sign? 

Other fears/concerns/insanities of the day are still revolving around my ability to eat more than I should and the realization that my post surgery "habits" aren't that healthy as of yet.  I haven't been measuring my food out because I thought I'd know when I was full- obviously not going to happen.  I also haven't been tracking protein or fluid very well.  With tomorrow being my week "surgiversary" as the pros seem to call it, I really need to start! 

And of course I still can't get over how easy things have been for me so far.  Tonight is literally the first time I have ever felt any stomach discomfort from eating too much.  I have continually been able to take much larger than "tiny" sips recommended.  And I have no major pains or other side effects.  It's so strange.  Most people tell me that I should be thankful it isn't any more difficult but I can't help but feel a little guilty.  It can't be this easy, right?  And if I don't have the huge struggles and tribulations in the beginning, I have more of a chance of failing, right?  *sigh*  I hope I can get ahead of this "fail talk" before it goes much farther...

Any which way I look at it, I am thankful to be alive, healing and losing some of the padding that has encumbered my life for so long.  Wherever this journey takes me, I just need to be happy with it!  After all, I only have one of these lives to live.

Ah, day five!  I thank you for being so much more reasonable than day 4 was! 

After signing off last night I went to bed only to get the worst pains ever at a few of my incision sites.  It felt like someone was stabbing me.  My husband suggested I do some deep breathing, which helped until the pain meds kicked in. 

I slept in again today- need to start going to bed at a reasonable time but that time isn't tonight.  I took my first shower at home and scrubbed off some of the icky adhesive stuck to my stomach from the bandaids they took off.  I also got the blood out of my belly button- gross, right?  I vaguely remember my wounds oozing a lot after surgery so it must have come from that.  Wherever it came from, it felt good to get rid of it after realizing it was there!

I was feeling a little stir crazy again so my mom and I took a trip to Target.  I got a cute new pair off pajamas, a new tank top and a new shirt that doesn't quite fit me yet but will soon, hopefully!  I also stocked up on liquids like grape juice, G2, Boathouse Protein drinks, and milk.  Then, taking the advice of a few posts I saw, I picked up something different for dinner tonight.  I got a little tired and sore walking around the store but that's to be expected after almost 2 hours in Target! 

This evening I was still in pretty good spirits.  My pain levels are very minimal today, with only some pain at the incision sites.  I can still feel the stabbing when I move around but not like I did last night!  I'm starting to get used to the stomach rumbles after ever sip, bite or breath, too.  Getting water in has continued to be a struggle and I'm not really sure why...I just keep forgetting.  I'm sure that if I can increase my water intake I'll probably get rid of some of this lightheadedness.  Hopefully the popsicle's I purchased will help.

For dinner tonight I was craaaaving something "real" to eat.  I saw a suggestion on here to mix ricotta cheese with tomato sauce and a small bit of mozarella cheese and then heat it up in the microwave for a minute.  I did so and it was DELICIOUS!  Just what I needed to settle my craving for "normal" food but soft enough to eat.  I thought the cheese might give me a problem, but it didn't at all.  My only concern is that I ate way more than I thought would be possible.  I hadn't eaten much today so that could be why but I'm just surprised.  I think I ate 3/4 a cup of food.  I don't understand how my stomach can hold that much right now.  Isn't it only supposed to hold a few tablespoons?  I'm actually really worried about this...if I can eat this much now, how much am I going to be able to eat later?  I am just surprised my stomach didn't tell me when it was full...I was still feeling that hunger although I started to feel more bloated as I ate.  I'm just so afraid this is the first sign of failure... why am I not having the problems so many other people who have the surgery?  No dumping, no full feelings, no feeling full...nothing!

Tomorrow, I purchased some fat free refried beans and am going to top it with a little mozzarella cheese for dinner.  It's nice to be eating somewhat normally, even if it isn't solid food.  

The aching hunger that I am feeling is still there but I'm beginning to think it must be something else and not hunger.  I still feel it very intensely, although maybe a little less intense than yesterday.  But how could it be hunger if it feels more in my chest than my stomach?  I'm just not sure...

So, day 5 brought on a whole bunch of different.  Thankfully I'm not as crabby but am still hungry.  I'm not as sore, but am still exhausted.  I just need to remember that day 6 & 7 and forevermore can only get better!