zimmersdreamer
the I in ME
Jan 14, 2010
I could bore you with the "I’ve been fat all my life..." story and sadly its true but I won’t.
Instead I will start this "journey" of blogging with my epiphany. I am not fat because I am depressed; I am depressed because I am fat. I am a fit woman in a fat suit!
I thought about it long and hard. I have issues looking into mirrors, not because I don’t like what I see, and sometimes I don’t, but because I don’t recognize what I see. In my minds eye I am thinner. In all (ALL) my dreams I am thinner. I look at a space and see that I should be able fit, and in my mind I do but I physically don’t. I see myself in clothing that just doesn’t fit my body type. That’s what makes this so hard. I just don’t feel like I belong in my skin. I can relater to transgender people. I feel like there is a mistake, Im not supposed to have all this extra weight. I’m supposed to be thinner. I feel like a failure.
That’s how I beat myself up! I tell myself that I don’t deserve something that I have worked SOO hard to earn but I still feel that I am worthy. I work out, and 3-5 days a week I don’t eat much, similar to what size portions that I would have should I have a LAP-BAND®®. But its that 2-3 days that kill me. I eat “normal” portions, or eat because I’m bored, Sad, angry, PMS-ing… ect. you know the drill. My DR 15 years ago explained it as I go through “starvation” mode and my body holds on to every cal it can. That means even if I diet, the week after I stop I will gain it all back on!
I am an odd ball I love to work out. I love the rush I feel after. I forget to go to the gym. I make excuses like I don’t have childcare, I’m not going to get any sleep yadda yadda yadda. (I work overnights so it is difficult on days when I don’t have childcare) I have always thought that I can do this! All I need to do is go to the gym. I would dream of an event, for example my graduation, and would say OK it’s a month away. I could easily loose 30lbs in a month. I just have to … then I would “fall off the wagon” one meal, then that would turn into one day ect. That would depress me to the point I would not only give up but I would hate the event.
Sometimes even cancel (things like a trip to the beach or vacation to Puerto Rico) It was very recent that I have even thought about the LAP-BAND®®. Mom has been pushing this on me forever, always saying that she wishes she qualified to have it done. I had always turned her down as well as the idea because after all the DR said my issue was not that I ate too much but that I often didn’t eat enough. It all happened the day that I talked to the Girl Scout leader. She had
Her Dr said that this will make you hungry when you forget to eat, and will restrict the meals you DO eat. So I looked into it. I searched many message boards and read a few blogs to see if there was anything that would be a deal breaker. No alcohol,
I don’t drink. No smoking,
I don’t smoke. No carbonation, until a few months ago I didn’t drink soda. No caffeine, now this one may kill me,
I am addicted to my espressos but I guess that if I lost the weight and had energy I wouldn’t need them, and the occasional decaf coffee for taste maybe. (though I can’t stand decafL) there isn’t much else that I could think of that would keep me from getting it done except that fact for me (and I stress for ME not you!) it feels like Im throwing in the towel. I feel like I cant do it any other way I guess I have to get banded. Here is the catch, although there is a mandate in IN for insurances to cover bariatric surgeries, My insurance does not cover it.
So there is road block number 1. I did find out that I am on Medicaid. So I guess that will cover it (I know the Medicaid insurance covers it but I always feel guilty for having it and even more for using it.) Now all I need to do id get a surgeon to look at me and call me a candidate! I will update you all later so for now
Keep Dreaming Some Dreams Come True!
