zimmersdreamer

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 in the last 24 hours I have recieved 4 compliments. None of which I feel I can accept..  whe i was bigger, i would go fishing for compliments, I LOVED them! now, my confidence sores yet I feel like I dont deserve even the slightest words of congradulation....
1st was from my personal trainer, he said that he has seen more improvement in the 3 weeks that I havce been there than he has seen in some clients make in the entire 8 weeks sessions. 
2nd my taekwondo instructer said he thought that my kicks were some of the most powerful he has ever seen...impressive due to the fact I havent even tried to earn my white belt (the first one by the way) 
3rd was from an old friend, he was impressed with my weightloss, his wife had WLS in January and he was still impressed with my improvements... 
the final was from a manager going over the bake (I am a baker and we havew to go over my product) he said my bake was only second to one and he hoped that I was going to stay around for a while, the other baker quit 3 weeks ago and they ahvent seen a bake this good since (my boss and 3 other supervisors have baked there since hehe) 

yet I cant seem to internalize them. I say thank you and mentally point out my flaws, the things these people seem to have missed... when will I be able to hear what they say, feel just as peoud that I have acomplishments beyond the scale? which HAS NOT budged in a few months! I lose and gain the same 10lbs :( that is a whole different blog... I hate platues! 

 i AM bipolar. I AM NOT ADHD... well the Dr is not so sure.... he said I am borderline ADHD & decided to put me on an ADHD drug, called vyvanse- it has 2 side effects that I have gotten. Nausea and irritability. after bouty 4 bites I can not eat any more because I want to throw up! I have TONS of energy, which is the point of the drug, but I am ready to bite everyones head off! 

then theres the 'crash' after about 8 hours I feel like all i want to fdo is sleep! the Dr may put me on dose 2x a day, but I am not sure... I go to work, bust my butt doing more than i would normally do and then have energy to go to the gym again. I do ahve to deal with the feelings of depression... we may also try an anti-depressant... we shall see...

 i am in the losing phase where I am no longer a "before" but not yet an "after", I am just me. It is hard to know who I am anymore though. I opted to not do surgery, and it seems as though every sign from God is that I made the right choice... FOR ME... but its so hard to see all the losers and know I am not as fast as any of them. IT perpetuated the feelings I have had all my life, im good, just not as good as.. (fill in the blank)... I am working on not comparing myself to anyone but it is HARD to do! 

as far as my weight loss goes, when I set my goal for next week (mini vacation), i had far bigger expectations. I hoped I would have lost a lot more, but with a 2 month stall and 2 month depression that took priority, I am still 20lbs away from where I would have liked to be. It is HARD not to be disapointed. It is also hard to look at my small triumphs and say hey atleast you did this!

So here are some of my "non scale acheivements" I can now look at my plate with food still on it and say "nope, Im not hungry anymore" I can now sit and decided that I am thirsty, not hungry. I can now allow myself a good cry instead of burring my grief in food.

I still have days where I feel like a bottoms less pit, I still have days where I feel full but want more food for some unknown reason. I still get frustrated when I dont go to the gym, but cant bring myslef to go. I still feel unworthy of my "treats" (non food) 

it is all progress. I WILL have my "after" moment. But for now, I am going to enjoy the between!

 I had an appointment with a new Dr. he has been my families DR for years but I had a different one and after mine had missed a few things i felt were crutial to my health (a 5cM endometrioma...PCOS... ect) SO this new DR wants to HELP me lose the weight. Although I dont agree with him totally (he says our bodies are designed to hold onto the weight....) he suguests the Sugar busters diet, or south beach... both would have to be a life style change! he addressed hunger (which most of the time is not an issue, for me it is 99.9% in my head!) and diagnosed me through symptoms alone as Bi-polar( I have had a previouis diagnosis of this and he agreed with it and found my symptoms conducive to the disorder) 
NOW here is my $1000000000 question.... i was prescribed 3 drugs, metformin, birthcontrol and lomictal. Lomictal is a class C pregnancy drug.... lomictal also states under its drug interactions that it may render hormonal (Oral) contraceptives useless....  

Pregnancy Category C

Animal reproduction studies have shown an adverse effect on the fetus and there are no adequate and well-controlled studies in humans, but potential benefits may warrant use of the drug in pregnant women despite potential risks.

WHY DOC???? 

So, some of the side effects, are loss of appetite..check... and diarehea....check... He suguests utilizing the time to eat less and so the induction of the new eating lifestyle may come easier. When i brought up the idea of a ELC diet he was hesitant b/c of how much exercizing I do. I was/ am frustrated about my platue (for over a month) but even more frustrated with this depression. I am hoping to see signs of improvement and get back to the gym in a week or so, he said the depression may lessen in 2 weeks but the full effect may take 2-4 months. IF this is the right drug for me. 
He also wants me to talk to a therapist (ive been procrastinating) to help with WHY i ahve eating issues and help with the bipolar. After talking to my 7year olds counceler yesturday, i feel I also need to get her and her sister into see one, they have residual issues from my seperation 2 years ago. I also dont want my obvious obsession with weight to rub off on her verry impressional mind!

So wish me luck! 

 So here we go again! this is my weeks exercise to date... mon 50.5 min 5k, weightliftiting for an hour. Tue 50.5 min 5k, hour weight lifting and an hour of Zumba... wed break just stretching, thur 45min 5k, hour weightlifting, 20 min stretching and hour Zumba, Fri just 50 min 5k, sat am 30 min weights and hour Zumba..... 
drum roll please.. NO WEIGHTLOSS!!!!!!! I didnt george! i harldy ate! I drank water and when I thought I was saved by the measuring tape, I almost cried when I had to ADD to my measurments! I am ready to cry now! I have to take  nap! (i sleep durring the day and work at night) I know muscle weighs more than fat but come on i added 2 inchs to my weist!!! I hate my body! I feel great so Im gonna keep working out but I feel like crap not losing a thing! 

we all have a story of how we got here, to Fatland. it didnt just happen over night, it didnt happen in a blink of an eye or an experimrent gone wrong, but some how, someway, we all got here... Here is my journey.

my weight problems started when I was about 5ish, being that i can hardly remember those days, i say -ish. Mom had split from her partner and I was alone with my brothers, I would eat butter, yes sticks of butter. I have an allergy to milk and its products but its not a lactose allergy, a protien that boils off or freezes off... anywho butter aparently did not and I loves the taste, so I ate it, would put my fingers in the tub, eat it by the stick, anytime my over worked single mother of 3 was not looking i would eat butter.... the pounds started adding up. I was rather thin those years so it wasnt a bad thing at first. then we move States, and as a child I did what other children do, i clung to my closest confidant, food. Sweets really. I wasnt FAT in 1st or second grade, but then the abuse started. Mother worked So my older brother bullied me (nothing more than what most kids go thorough I presume but it was physical too) then his friends came along and they were interested in HIS sister... But the more lbs I added the fewer boys looked at me.
by fifth grade i was no longer just a little over weight i was full blown FAT! I didnt get much exercize, and ate junk food always. middle school was torture! I was fat, I was called ugly! Shamu!
Highschool promised to be just as toururous. But I had a teacher who was a coach, she ran cross country with us. I began running and like a drug, it became an addiction! I ran about 5 miles a day, actually cared about what I ate and lost 100lbs in a matter of months, I had to go tot the Dr weekly because I was loosing so fast mom was scared I was unhealthy. (it was Sep-Dec)

the season ended and I tried out for track, but joined soccer. I started gaining weight back even though I was active 6 days a week and was back up 40+ lbs in 2 years. After soccer season was over we moved and cross country was on a try out basis and I didnt run fast enough for them, so I joined JROTC and colorguard.

After school I was working in the fast food industry for years and packed back on all the weight I had lost. I was so shy that I never dated, I had a Ton of male friends, but never dated. After getting with my now EX I gained more weight as well as fed him up to 250 lbs. I love to cook and even more I loved to bake! we had parties almost weekly where his friends would come over and They would drink, smoke and I would cook. He started making comments about my weight. How if I had an "insert bady part here" like hers (whom ever happened to be around) we would never leave the bed. this continued for a year. He never wanted to commit to me So i left. I started to lose weight again, I went on Adkins and lost 50 lbs. I loved it! i was going to the gym 3x a week, then after months of talking, I took him back, I got pregnant almost immediatly! I only gained 15 lbs with her and after she was born I was sick for a while, I was watching what I ate and kept the weight off breast feeding. the week I went intot he hospital for my galdbladder surgery I gained 35lbs. I didnt eat much for fear that I would trigger another attack. the week I was in the hospital though I gained another 25lbs they assured me it was fluid retention and that it would work its way out... 2 years later and it still didnt.
I got pregnant again, didnt gain any weight but My EX started back on his comparisons. every time he would tell me how much he wanted me thin, I would go eat a box of chocolates. with now two kids and no job I had no form of exercise. I yo-yo dieted, i tried Adkins again but never made it more than a day or two. I tried pills and even got a treadmill, it made a good coat rack! but everytime i would go to get on it there would be an excuse, it was too loud... kids were awake.. ect.

after we split I lost weight because I made going to the gym a priority. Mom (i moved in with her) would hound me about the health implications of my weight. finally after a year I went to talk to my DR abou tit and met with a nutritionist & found out I was not eating enough and then eating too much. sending my metabolism into WAKO land! I talked to a bariatric sergon about getting the band adn after some blood test I was told I had PCOS. I was put on metformin and lost 40 lbs and decided with the STRONG encouragement from both the DR and nutritionist to give it one more HONEST go, meaning I didnt stop at every platue and give up!

so here I am, 30lbs lighter from a year ago, I go tot the gym 5-6 days a week and watch what I eat, I dont "diet" but I am cauntious of protien and calories for the most part, but I just gauge how much I eat by my hunger. I still have to force myself to eat some days (3/4 of through the day i realise I only ate about 300 cal...) I have made it through 3 platues that I would have given up on before, and had a few bumps ( leg surgery and abdominal surgery) that have played havok on my progress but all in all I am on this journey till death do I part! I am aware that I will NEVER get to go through life not caring about what I eat and do, because the weight will sneak back up on me, and I have 2 little girls that NEED ME!

 ok so for an update since it has been MONTHS since I have been on here.... I was finally diagnosed with and treated for PCOS, I also have adenomyosis (ok please someone explain how I have 2 conditions one caused by excess estrogen and one caused by a lack of estrogen!?!) with the combination of metphormin and BC, exercise and low calorie diet I lost 40lbs in 2 months. my DR said he would rather see how much I can lose on my own before I set up for surgery. Then I lost my insurance that would cover the surgery. FATE huh? 

SO that was Aug and Sep. In Oct I started to train someone and wasn't able to go to the gym as I should, I got used to the meds and started to have hunger again, I started to feel depression because of the inability to go to the gym and just gave up. Thankfully I only gained 5 lbs in the past 3 months. This year I have started to care a little more. I have a few friends that I have made since the beginning of my journey and have been slightly discouraged that they will be getting or have recently had the surgeries. 
this week I was able to go to the gym 2x, I stopped eating when I am not hungry and have modified the low calorie diet that most people get post op, i can have solids and  I need the protein and well since I can eat meat, I'm going to. I upped the amount of water I drink and have modified when and how I take my meds. (the Dr said I could take both pills once a day or take one twice a day) this way I DO feel the effect of fullness just before my one big meal (400 cal if that is big?!?) I then have 4 (100 cal) "snacks" (usually a protein drink or non water drink). 
with all that I have lost the 5 lbs I gained and started to feel better about doing this alone. As far as my workouts, I don't feel like I am doing enough. 30 min cardio, and 20 min lifting. I don't feel worn out, tired, sore or anything I remember from my cross country days. I don't want to add too much more because I also don't want to be SO tired afterwards I don't take care of my family. 
I have the p90x system that i was given for Christmas, it was tempting to throw it in the mix. Then again I don't want to over do it. THAT I will begin after doing the gym for a month. that way I know I will have the energy. 

the discouraging part is that the people that I can have "contests" with (the best motivator for me) have the band, or the sleeve or by pass and they WILL lose faster because the added security of no  "only ONE more bite" or the dreaded "i wanna cry into my ben and jerrys"....

I just want to be healthy! 

ok, so if something looks like a duck, waddels like a duck, lays eggs and swims like a duck, wouldnt you call it a duck even if it barks?

my rant isnt about ducks but PCOS!
I have high androgen levels, weight in my mid-section, irregular periods, "infertility" (i have 2 children but they were 2 years apart) high insulin and higher cholesterol, cysts on my overies and an enlarged uterus (different diagnosis there but....) eveything points to PCOS except that my testosterone levels were normal! lets just treat me already! I want to move on to the next health issue!

well I have had 2 appointments with a nutritionist had lost 5 lbs, then I dont know what happened. I gained it ALL back and then some! I am getting so frustrated!
Ok, truth be told I kinda know what happened. I fell back into my forgetting to eat, I under slept so i wasnt going to the gym, and getting an IUD didnt help. I am so sure that she is going to be disapointed in me. :( I feel like a failure before I even got a chance to get started. My family is NO help, we have pizza night every week, so I try to be good so I can have a slice. one night I will have my mom call and ask me to stop at taco bell. the next we both will be so tired to cook that mcdonalds looks good. pre preparring meals doesnt work because lets face it there is NO time! I worked 6 days this week and on the day I thought I was going to have off, I ended up awake for 25 hours. those coffee drionks add up in calories! 
 have my first appointment with the bariatric clinic tomorrow and guess what the packet they sent me last week, the one it took me an hour to fill out, is missing, I should be looking for it now but I have to finish cooking and then bathe the kids get a shower while they are ion the bath and go to work! sigh, I hope that this is what God has meant for me because without the band I will never get to lose weight. I need that counter control. heres the perfect example, sat was the day i was up 25 hours, so sat DAY I slept for 8 hours woak up at 3pm and was constantly hungry, drank the protien shake, had a sandich with ham and turkey with the kids, ate the 5 chips they didnt eat, went to get a stick of string cheese, cleaned the kitchen then had a yogurt, did laundry and contemplated a snack ended up eating some pineapple, made dinner nibbeling on spagetti and meat balls, had a good portion for dinner...drank another protien shake on my way to work. that was in what 6 hours! I felt like I was always eating, but I also felt like i was always hungry, it wasnt like I was bored! I would think about food as I was doing other stuff! something needs to happen!

It’s Tuesday and it’s just getting to be too much; life that is. Overwhelmed is an understatement. I had an EMG done on my right hand, I figured this Doc was as coo coo as the last, the last one did a manual test and told me it WASN’T carpal tunnel. So I get a call on Tue and it is moderate carpal tunnel. So not only do I have it but I have apparently had it for a while. I have an appointment with the orthopedic surgeon on Thur. on Wed I have an appointment with a dietitian, sadly not because my Doc wants me to go into the bariatric program to have surgery, but his pathetic attempt to have me give the old diet and exercise “one last chance”. Dude I have been dieting and exercising for almost 20 years I am about exhausted that try. Let’s, oh I don’t know, try something ELSE! I have also come down with a stomach bug, last week and had 2 days where I didn’t eat. You would think that it would have helped lose these 12lbs that have crept on, but nooo they are still there and I think they even found a friend or two! I still get sick to my stomach, am more tired because being the nice and considerate mommy I am I had to share this bug with my 5 and 3 year old. Oh but don’t think I was able to put my life on hold for any of this! I did allow myself to call off the day I was throwing up, but it was back in the kitchen the next day and 5 other things other than sleep for the rest of the day.

That my dear reader is only my physical stress! Here is a few things that I am dealing with emotionally. I won’t bore you too much but I would suggest getting a potty break in now… don’t worry Ill wait… oh good your back.

Apparently I am not spending enough “quality” time with my children, my 18 year old brother thinks I am never around them, they have more activities then any child needs and they see more of the baby sitter than they do of me. Got to love the self-centered, lazy conceded, brats view of the world. I am a single mom who works 10 hour shifts over night. I get my children up and ready for school or daycare. I attempt to get SOME cleaning; either laundry or dishes (which ever smells worse) get a shower and get to bed about 10. I then have to be up to get my daughter off the bus at 4, make snack set out dinner plans ( I feed 6 ppl total) then get the kidget from the sitters. We have plans 3 days a week for either kid to have an activity. Then I go home make dinner, feed kids, get them a bath and off to bed. Get myself dressed and I’m off to work. Rinse and repeat 5 days a week.

Then there is the personal life. The love of my life that I had painstakingly planned to go see last month has not called or attempted to contact me in almost 3 weeks. (That’s when I was down there last) he lives 500 miles away. There has to be a limit to when I should let go but I’m just not there yet, I need to forget about him)

My ex has promised the kids he would come up to see him, first it was around Christmas,, then my 3 year olds birthday in Jan then it was spring break, now he says he is just going to wait till we go down there. This may be in July… maybe not. The kids have finally stopped asking about him. His loss!

Then there is the lazy good for nothing son of a cracker! I call a brother. He sleeps all day, talks the remainder of the day with a girl that swears she doesn’t want a relationship, but still wants to sleep with him and tells him she loves him…teenagers… then when he does immerge it is so he can borrow money, or do a chore to get it. He expects $20 for vacuuming the floor…man I wish I could get that much! I had to do that growing up because I lived there, these boys do NOTHING! And get away with it! It disgusts me! He was stood up by the girl who “loves” him on Valentine ’s Day she spent the day with another boy. He had planned a nice dinner, made chocolate cover raspberries. Researched romantic home cooked meals (I swear it was sickening!) So mom played into it and told him he could rent a movie, a game ect. Bought him dinner, let him take the car and leave it on E! I was pissed!

I have to get off my soap box it is about to crumble. Have a blessed reader, and thank you for letting me vent if you did make it through!

ETA:
So i made it to the address that I was given, it was a vast field. I went to the closest gas station, they had NO clue where a hospital was found! the closest one they knew of was 20 min drive away. so i drove 20 min, half asleep at this point and just in time for my appointment only to have no one either know who the Dr was or where to locate her. they found her in their system but got the same voicemail box that I was given! ten more phone calls later they finally got a hold of her schedueling deaprtment. Aty that point i was not driving the 20 min back to the original area where I was an hour ago. I called my Dr frustrated adn told them they needed to give me a new referal! she called me back in 5 min asking me if I wanted an apointment for today! I was like no I want SLEEP! argh! the hospital staff seemed clueless, dare I say stupid, and extreemly unhelpful. I hate that I am asighned to this hospital!