Clothes

Dec 07, 2012

I'm pretty much down 2 full sizes and sliding into the third. Thing is, I still want to wear my bigger clothes - because they are comfortable and loose now and not tight and binding.

To be fair, I have gone and gotten smaller size clothes from second hand stores and even clothing swaps. They all fit (though some better than others for sure) and I like them. They are an evenly distributed between work and casual clothes so I have a fair wardrobe. But I can't get used to the smaller sizes. Because they fit well.

I was wearing my older clothes for so long. because they were still fitting in the waist (now not so much but they aren't falling off yet). I guess I got too used to them being loose and free. Putting on the better fitting smaller clothes makes me feel self conscious and like I've gained weight, because they are tighter. Not popping buttons tighter but so much more fitting then my old clothes.

I know I'm being wacko here, that I haven't gained weight and that I'm not required to wear my older clothes to prove to myself (or anyone else) that I have lost weight. I just can't seem to get used to the way the new smaller sizes fit, it's like I'm hyper aware that they are closer to my skin and I am actually now and again worrying that I'll rip them - because I'm a lot unbelieving that I fit those sizes. It's not full on regular sizes yet. I'm only 4 months out - but if this is happening now what kind of nervous breakdown am I going to have when I do get to regular sizes?

About a decade ago I lost some weight and was in a 20, where I am now - and I gained it all back and then some. It crossed my mind the other day that that had happened. I worried a little bit then that I may do something that would put all that weight back on and more. And isn't that everyone's fear?

I'm hoping to see 18 soon, and then regular sizes shouldn't be too far behind. I'm mentally trying to work around this weirdness I have with clothes, tighter versus looser - and all still fitting me in one way or another. I was never into the hip hop oversized clothes scene so I really have to stop wearing my old clothes!

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