ONE OF THOSE ON AND OFF DAYS

Jul 15, 2011

 This week has been an emotional roller coaster for me. My weight loss has slowed down a little bit. I think because I've introduced more "healthy" carbs at the request of a behavioural therapist - but it's ok, because the goal is long term weight loss. I have come a long way baby. I've started weight traininig. It's been about two months and I am seeing tone and definition in my shoulders and arms. My goal is to lose 80 pounds before December 2011. This would put me just under 200 pounds for the first time since I was probably 21.

There are days when I feel AMAZING. I love my body, I love what weight loss is doing for me and I love the freedom that I have to go almost anywhere now, and to do almost anything. I recently took up playing tennis - which I was always too shy to try to tackle and now I can't stop thinking about it and wanting to know more about it.

Then there are those self hating days- where I forget all my progress, all my hardwork all that I went through and I hate the image in the mirror. That's new for me - or probably because I am more aware of my emotions now. So I was at the gym last week, doing my leg exercises and I looked at myself in the mirror and was utterly disgusted by my thighs and my arms- WHAT'S THAT ABOUT? Then I look at my belly and I am utterly disgusted! I guess this is the psychotic side of my food addiction - the self hatered. Where did that come from??? Usually, I never, ever had a problem looking at myself or maybe I was in denial. Today I am sitting typing naked..yes I do that because I don't like the restriction of clothes -Today I am at peace with my faulty body parts.

I've come a long way baby- I remind myself. Almost an out of body experience of tapping my self on the shoulder and reminding myself that 14 months ago- death was tapping at my door. Today I am now 276 pounds. 276 POUNDS! I have lost 169 POUNDS. That's nothing to be depressed about, but yet I am a bit depressed- because it's slowed down and I am afraid that I will go back to 445 pounds. I am determined though - I will overcome.

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