Cernigl1

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This is getting so exciting...  This week I am trying to listen to my body and eat when i am hungry and stop when I am full. This sounds like such an easy thing, but it is so new to me.  I was never brought up to stop eating if there was something on my plate.  I have to teach myself that it is ok. 

I have all my preop stuff scheduled now.  I have a meeting with the Psychologist on 8/29, my next nutritionist class on 9/2 and my final nutrionist class on 10/8, and then from their if I get my final approval I schedule my surgery for sometime in November!

This is so within reach.  I am still nervous, but I know I need this for me.  I know this will be the kick in the butt I need get my health back.  I want to be that woman that is vibrant and full of life.  Not that lump on the couch that is too tired to move.

And My new favorite saying... STAY FOCUSED, I can do anything i put my mind to, as long as I remember to keep my eye on the prize and the prize is a healthier me!

I am so excited.  I am one class down 2 more to go to appease my health insurance.  I am so ready for this.  I am still nervous and scared but my desire to get my weight under control out weighs any fear i could ever have.  I just need to stay focused!!!

Good day to all!   So if you have been following my blog you know that I have to lose some weight before my surgery (which isn't even scheduled yet) but I am being optimistic.  So Monday's are my official weigh in days so that I hold myself accountable on the weekends.

I stayed the same.  I don't get it... i have even introduced walking twice a day at work so that i am moving more.  I am hoping that it is a fluke and next week I will see it on the scale.  I do feel good though.  I feel stronger.  I have been eating light, and good for  you food.  Every once in a while I might have a certain craving like for lunch today i had a pb&j.  The bread was whole wheat and the pb was all natural, so, even if my lunch wasn't oozing with veggies, it was what i wanted and it was good.

I think while on this journey, i have to remind myself in my quest for normalcy, don't forget that my main goal is to be happy and healthy.

So Monday's are my official weigh in days so that i don't over eat on the weekends.  (I am always thinking ahead) lol 

I put my start weights at 352 because when I signed on for the first time that is how much i weighed but from my first appt with my surgeon on 7/17 i weighed 357.  I am now at 349 so i am technically down 8 lbs.  I have 13 lbs to go for my surgery and I feel like I am so ready for this challenge.  Funny thing is I wasn't perfect I just tried to remember if I have a burger for lunch i may want to have a light dinner. I am scared though because sometimes I will make myself hungry trying not to each too much and then I pig out.  This Sunday i was so hungry, and then me and my son stopped at a fast food place and I ate almost all of it.  I felt so sick, but I didn't let it get me down.  I waited until i felt hungry again and then i had a little dinner (Paella- rice shrimp chicken all mixed up) and i was fine.  I still had a loss this morning, and I think it was due to me not losing my head.  I didn't give up even though i ate unheathly at lunch.  

Today, for the first time in a long time me and my girlfriend at work decided to walk outside around our building.  It is just a 15 min walk but it felt so good we did it twice.  30 minutes of excercise today, CHECK.

It is just those little things that make this journey so exciting.

Apparently I self-sabotage!

So I am pre-op for those of you out there that do not know me and I have a lot of weight to lose.  I have 21 lbs by the time surgery comes around (not scheduled yet) and I am really trying to eat healthy.  I am doing the egg whites in the morning salads for lunch, baking at dinner time instead of frying.   So last night I got Pizza’s for my son and his friends, like four 14 year old boys.  I ate so well yesterday and then I had 2 slices of pizza.  Why you ask…well in my warped rationalizing mind, I spent $30 bucks on Pizza I deserved it! yeah.

I stayed within the 2000 calorie diet plan I put myself on, but my sodium went through the roof.  Hello swollen ankles…

Now today we had a potluck at work.  I was going to pick one or two things that looked healthier.  You know stay away from meatballs (which are horrible for you), and fried chicken that can’t be good.  I did stay away from some stuff, but the chocolate delight dessert was screaming at me, and I had a little. 

I am not going to punish myself like I would normally I am going to wake up tomorrow and eat my egg whites and have my salad for lunch.  I actually feel better when I eat that way anyway, so I am going to rock out to Zumba tonight and hope for the best on Monday come scale time. 

This is why I think the surgery is something I need…I can rationalize all I want, However, if I eat something I shouldn’t  and I am doubled over in pain and want to die . Maybe I will rethink it next time I am presented with the same opportunity!

So last Thursday 7/17 I had my 1 on 1 with Doc Ceppa.  I like him.  I think he is going to do a good job.  He made me feel at ease for the most part even though my insides are ready to burst.  It is a mixture of sheer fear, excitement, impatience, and longing to get this extra person off me.  The day will be here before I know it and I am sure, I just have to keep reminding myself. 

So at my appointment I won’t dwell on the nurse that weighed me in… (she was a witch).  You would think that they would put a someone at that position with at least a smidge of personality.  She barely looked at me except to take my vitals and so on and she was nice enough to inform me that I am Obese.  Thank you I had no idea, I was wondering why I was I putting myself through the stress of having weight loss surgery. Anyway I said I wouldn’t dwell so I will move on.  I have to lose 21 lbs which will make the surgery easier.  Doc Ceppa said that if I whether or not I lose the weight as long as I show him I am trying he will do the surgery, however if I do lose the weight then instead of having 2 weeks of liquid diet pre-op… I will only have 4 days.  Tell me that man doesn’t know how to motivate.  I can do this. 

There were several things to do be done while I was off too.  I had to set up apt with the Nutritionist and the Psychiatrist….done and done.  I had to do a stool sample … done (gross).  I had to get an EKG... done.  And I had to get blood work done...  done!!  I was supposed to get a chest x-ray but I just had one done in Feb., so Ket (my patient rep) told me it was ok they could just use that one, so done!

Next stop is Aug 7^th Nutrition Class at 3pm… meanwhile.  Eat right and exercise.

I can do this!!

I know I can!!

It is 4 days until my call from the nurse. I am feeling:  Anxious, nervous, excited, worried, and ready all at the same time.  My phone consult with the nurse is 7/1 this will be a journey to change my lifestyle; at least I hope it will.  My fiancé thinks I am nuts, and even though he is partly right, every night I go home make dinner clear the dishes and then go on you tube so that I can see all the people that have already been through this process.  It is amazing in 1 years’ time the different people of the world transform their body and their lives into healthy living.  I went through this process 4 years ago, but it was all for vanity and the wrong reasons.  I must not have been ready because I opted out of the surgery and I thought I could do this on my own.  I still think I could do this on my own, probably, but I need a kick in the butt that isn’t going to allow me to rationalize, or finagle my diet.  I need to be held accountable for what I put in my mouth.  What better way than feeling nauseous every time I stick something in my mouth that I should. J

So I think ahead to the actually day when the surgery is complete and I can watch the lbs fall off of me.  I want so badly to want to work out again, to be able to move without my knees aching and my ankle throbbing.  I live for the day when I can make a You Tube video for myself and be like Oh I don’t even recognize that girl anymore.  I will miss the old me, but just in passing because I intend to be better in every way.  I will have energy to walk my dog and take my son to the park.  I will go to the beach and ride the waves with best of them.  I will have energy and the love I have in my heart for all my family and friends will spread through my life and shine off me like the sun!

I know these are high expectations but why shouldn’t I aim high.  I am worth it!  I have so much love in my life and support, I am so blessed.