CRAZY_BEAUTiFUL

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Honestly, I don't even know what I'm feeling right now. I'm really excited, but then I get pangs of 'omg do I really want to do this?' & the answer is always YES! I've come too far to let a little bit of anxiety get in my way!

July 27th!!!!

I saw the pulmonologist last week & he said that I needed to have a pulmonary function test, a chest x-ray and he needed to look over my sleep study results. He asked me to return in a week for a follow up. I went today & he cleared me for surgery! Now, I have to call Monday to make my medical doctor clearance appointment, then I can call for a surgery date!! I'm so excited! My weight is down to 361 & I feel a lot better then I have in a LONG time.

Today, I have my pulmonologist appointment, which is the last clearance I have before my final clearance with the medical doctor. I called the surgeon's office today & found out what my weight was the day of my consult (I didn't want to look at the scale!! lol) & I was 374.6. I weighed myself last night at life skills and I was 365 & I weighed myself this morning and I was 363.8. My insurance requires a 2% weight loss which for me would be 7.49 pounds, which I've obviously achieved!! I'm so excited. This is the first time in a long time I've seen these numbers & it feels really good!!

I totally lived through my endoscopy (even though I swore I wouldn't)! No complications or problems except for 'acute gastritis', which is apparently active inflamation of the gastro intestinal system. My surgeon just said to make sure I continue to take my Prilosec & I'll be fine. I also got clearance from the cardiologist yesterday & had my 2nd life skills class. So, I have one more life skills class & my pulmonologist appointment, then I go for medical clearance. I'm hoping they clear me & that I didn't go through all this stuff for nothing. I really don't see any reason that they wouldn't clear me except for depression, but I'm on medication for it & definitely feeling better then I have in a LONG time. So.. hopefully sometime in the next month or two I'll have a surgery date.

I went to the nutritionist today & I found out that I've already achieved my 2% weight loss for my insurance, so now I'm just trying to keep it off. I'm trying to be as honest as possible with everyone about my portion sizes and my  eating habits. I really need to work on eating at normal times. Like today, I woke up at 10am & didn't eat anything until 11:30. That pushed my entire day back, so I didn't have 3 meals today, only 2. I'm going to do another protein drink taste test around 9 tonight, so that should get me to my protein goal. For the lifeskills class that my insurance requires, they asked us to keep a food journal. So I've been keeping track of everything I'm eating. So today, I've had 2 boiled egg whites & one yolk (the other one fell on the floor & the dog ate it!), 5oz tuna fish, 1 tablespoon mayo, 1 teaspoon mustard, 1 tablespoon chopped onion, a medium sized baked potato with a teaspoon of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, 1 cup of green beans & 1 cup of mixed veggies (broccoli, cauliflower & carrots). Well, tomorrow I have a psychologist appointment. Then next week I have my cardiologist appointment and my endoscopy. Fun. LOL.

My primary doctor said that he would like to see me at 130 pounds. I feel like that's too thin, so I'm trying to get to 160. That's 215 pounds. Is that even possible? I'm 100% determined to do what I need to do to get this weight off, & I know it's not going to be easy. But 215 pounds? I'll be a different person. I was laying in bed thinking last night (like always) and I started thinking that I've never been at a 'normal' weight. Ever. As long as I can remember, I was always 'the big girl' (& trust me when I say I've been recognized as that for many years). What if I'm unable to accept myself after I lose the weight? What if I don't look right thinner? I had so much running through my head that I had an anxiety attack. Luckily I have an appointment with a psychiatrist today, but I haven't had an anxiety attack in years. I'm sure lots of people have thoughts like this, but I've always been a 'glass half full' type of girl. I was speaking to my Mom & I realized that I need to replace the negative thoughts with positive ones. Like instead of thinking 'what if I can't accept myself', think 'I will accept myself, no matter what'. I'm am at the beginning of what WILL be an amazing journey.