gonnadoit

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I barely have enough energy to sit upright, yet, I'm going to try to get my profile up-to-date... hey, it's more fun than what I'm supposed to be doing!

On the 17th, my family and I headed out on vacation.  We packed picnic foods to eat during the serval day drive.  The first picnic was horrible, as we all froze!  It did get better, and we managed to stick with the plan.  For me, that meant eating mostly deli meats and cheeses, but I also had chips, crackers, veggies and fruit... and sugar-free cookies.  I packed protein supplements, but didn't open a single one the entire vacation.  During vacation, I didn't eat the best - way too many granola bars, pringles and junk (snack-size snickers and cookies)!  I still tried to balance it out with deli meat and cheese and healhy choices when we did purchase food.  Vacation consisted of lots of walking, which was great! 

My DH was so proud of me for not complaining during the trip.  Normally, I would have complained about the walking, being overheated, being depressed about all the things I couldn't do, etc.   This trip was so different.  I didn't even think about all the walking, and I didn't think twice about finding a seat or getting on a ride.  And the best part was that I never thought people were staring at me or judging me... maybe because of my wicked hair, but not because of my weight =} 

Unfortunately, I got sick on the 23rd (and I'm still sick).  The drive home was miserable.  I was running a high temp.  I was in no mood for picnic food, so we made a few stops - Subway, DQ, etc.  I wasn't able to eat more than a couple bites at each place.  I didn't get much nourishment!  And unfortunately, my youngest 'got sick', so I got stuck in the back of the Tahoe in case she needed to throw open a door and throw up.  Not the best situation, but I managed. 

Once home, I got really sick and ended up going to the doctor.  I got a z-pack, which I started right away on the 27th.  My oldest ended up sick, as did DH... which means I got stuck taking care of them all.  I was out of work for two-days, working from home as much as I could. 

I've been eating mostly chicken soup for the last week... in addition to Halloween candy and other soft junk food and fruits.  Terrible, I know.  I've tried more protein-dense foods, and ended up throwing up.  Today, I've got my protein supplement, but I'm behind on water and vits/calcium.  It has been very difficult to keep up with vitamins and supplements over the past week.  I forget or just don't take them for fear of getting sick. 

Today is my day to get back on track with vitamins and calcium!  Even if I'm already behind, there's still time to catch up. 

I'm curious to get my official weigh-in today.  Last Monday, I was 213 - with tennis shoes on.  This morning, I weighed myself at home, and the scale showed me at 207, a drop of 2 pounds since yesterday morning.  I know I've lost a couple pounds, but probably not as much as my scale is showing... it will even out when I get back to full fluids and food. 

Yesterday, we had a birthday celebration, and I saw family that I hadn't seen in a while.  They all were very supportive of how much I have lost - one even said she would guess my weight as 170, while another suggested that I shouldn't lose any more.  I have about 10-12 more pounds to lose before I'm considered just overweight, so there's no stopping now.  My initial goal is still 180.  Even so, I worry about my face.  In looking at pictures from vacation, I look like my face is really long and sagging.  I now know why people say they like their face better when they were fat.  I'm sure I will adjust - eventually.  It will just take time.  My face will not stop me from doing things that my weight did, so it's all good!

My weight has been stalled for more weeks than I care to mention.  I have strayed from good eating and exercise, and I'm facing the consequences! 

Over the last couple of days, I've been working to detox my body - get rid of the carb cravings and severly limit non-protein, non-dairy input.  It goes Ok for the most part until I get home from work.  (Deja vu from past dieting!!!)  I did go see my therapist last weekend, so I'm working on getting back to better habits.  The most useful for me is acknowledging what I'm doing, why I think I'm doing it and then take evasive action (get out of the kitchen!!!). 

The challenge this week is to stay on track while so much is going on at home and with the kids.  To top it off, I'll be on vacation starting Friday.  The plan is to buy nutritious foods to eat on the two day drive.  As long as I can stick to the nutritious foods (and not the junk that other people make have), I think I'll do OK.  I plan on consuming mostly deli meats and cheeses to keep up the protein.

I'll post an update when I return. 

I've been jumping around 214 - 220 for many, many weeks now.  It seems that I will NEVER get below 214.  It's frustrating, but it may just be my own fault!  I started sampling goodies and then it took over.  I was obsessed with baking and cooking... and picking out LOTS of recipes to try... and not all of them were exactly healthy or WLS-friendly.

I've been off track somewhat, but I didn't think I was doing THAT bad.  Sure, I had snacks and junk food, but not A LOT.  True, I don't know exactly the damage because I never did use a food journal, but I know (right?).  I'm sure I'm so wrong and so off course... because the darn scale just refuses to go any lower.  One good thing, I'm realizing that I need to straighten up, and fortunately, I think I've seen the last of the 215-220 range. 

I went to the therapist on Saturday to talk about this obsession with baking and the old habits creeping back into my life.  My homework is to put all snack foods (that are OK) for me in one cupboard.  If I want a snack, I can only look in that cupboard.  The therapist also wants me to STOP being obsessed with recipes.  I can spend a certain amount of time looking for recipes that I want for dinner, and they have to be WLS-friendly.  (I'm struggling with that because now nothing looks good, but I still want to browse through recipes.  Crazy!)

I think this must be some weird food mourning phase I'm going through.  Either way, I need to kick it to the curb and move on!!!

I'm concentrating more on getting in my exercise, protein and such.  I still weigh myself every day, but I'm determined to not let the scale beat me into depression.  I will overcome it =) 

As for the recipe search, I think I need to limit myself to finding 5 recipes a week that I will ask DH to make for suppers (as he is the cook in the family).  I have a goal to find 'lighter' recipes even though fall is the time for heavier comfort foods.  Hmm... maybe the change of seasons is bringing this on???

Enough rambling.  I've got to go look for a recipe... ha ha.

After trying on a gazillion different shapes and sizes of bras and posting about my woes on the message board, I finally went to Victoria Secret and got fitted.  Before kids, I was a 38B.  Then I went up to a 44C after kids (and lots of weight gain).  After WLS, the 'girls' were looking a little deflated - especially held up in full figure bras.  I was so frustrated with how my clothes were looking over the wrinkled up bras that I stopped wearing a lot of my shirts.  Well... not any more!  In fact, today I'm wearing one of those shirts - the kind that shows every bump in the bra.

Yesterday, the VS girl measured me (over my shirt) and said I should be looking for a 38C.  (Hmm... shocker)  I tried on some - totally disappointed by the side overhang.  I definitely need larger sides!  After working with the sales lady (a bra specialist), I found two styles that worked for me.  She told me to wear them around the house (tags on) to make sure they were comfortable... and I did that... and this one is very comfortable. 

The sales lady gave me a bra card - where she wrote my information and checked off the styles that I bought.  As I find others that work for me, they will add that information to the card.  Kind of like a bra health card (she said =).

After spending $92 for two bras, I was feeling a little guilty... but today (after wearing the very supportive and very comfortable bra), I'm Ok with my purchase! 

And I will defnitely use the bra specialists' advice when shopping for other (less expensive) bras!

Yesterday, I received my 9 month lab results from my PCP office.  They indicated that my lab results were "about the same as last time". 

Today, I decided to call the dietician at HBC to see what she had to say about my labs.  Becky returned my call and told me my labs were great.  Both my vitamins A and D were up as was my prealbutem (sp?) and calcium was fine.  I was a bit concerned about my Vitamin A, because I'm not really consistent with taking it.  Becky informed me that I don't need to take A every day... which is why it went from 318 to over 600... and I don't even take it very often. 

And the scale has come down a couple of pounds, so I'm back around 214/215.  Lets hope it keeps going down... I could use another couple pound loss!

In a nutshell, all is fine.

Ok, so to admit... I weighed myself later in the day yesterday.  I knew today the scale would be better... and it was.  I have gained more like 2 pounds versus 4, but still a gain is a gain.  I'm off to a good start today.  I've got both a Propel and 1/2 of my 50 Gram Slam sitting in front of me.  Both need to be gone before I eat my lunch.  (It will have to be a late lunch.  My 1 1/2 hour put me a little behind with drinks as I was the one running the meeting.)  No biggie.

For lunch, DH packed me a couple sliced of deli roast beef and a cheese stick along with some broccoli and dressing.  I'm not really feeling like eating that, but it's a balanced lunch. 

Dinner will be a hamburger topped with cheese, sour cream and maybe a little salsa or peppers.  No bun. 

I've managed to walk on the treadmill the last couple of days.  Tonight might be a little more difficult, because the grass needs to be cut.  (DH hates to cut the grass, so I get the job.)  I may end up walking while DH cooks supper... depends on how I'm feeling.  I'm suffering from allergies and forgot to bring any medication with me today =( 

OK, now for the hard part.  I am promising myself that I will schedule my therapist appointment before I leave work today.  (I really like the therapist, but I'm still on the fence about whether or not she can really help me with my food issues.  I'm a skeptic.)

Dang it... I've gained a couple of pounds - 4 to be exact.  I'm not going to get completely freaked out though.  When this happens, the right thing to do is look at what I have been doing or not doing. 

Last week was a visit from Aunt Flo.  That never helps!  I was totally craving junk, and I gave in more times than I should have.

I have been eating too many carbs.  Without journaling, I can still figure that's an issue. 

And I have not been consistently getting in enough fluids, protein, vitamins/calcium... or exercise.

So what do I do???  Get my rear in gear, that's what!  I will walk on the treadmill 4-5 times a week.  I will not eat crackers or granola bars for at least the next week - cleanse the body so to speak.  I will drink 3 Propel (17 oz each) and a 50 gram slam each day. 

Attack it from all fronts!

In addition to changing what I eat and what I do, I need to get a grip on my thoughts.  I'll have to schedule another therapy appointment.  (I haven't been to one since May.)  Today, I got caught up in the same 'bad' self talk that got me where I was pre-op.  The mentality that today is ruined, so why don't I just eat whatever I want.  Tomorrow, I'll get back on track.  Let me tell ya, I nipped that in the bud!  The day is not over, and it is not completely ruined.  I can finish out my fluids and vitamins.  I will get on the treadmill.  I will get a handle of grazing when I am at home... and not eat just because I'm watching a movie! 

I'm over it.  I'm going to focus on my habits and not the scale.  Yeah, me

Thursday was 9 months post-op.  What can I say?  It has definitely been a journey.  In December, I was so excited that I was going to have surgery.  The surgery was a breeze.  I was up and walking in no time and didn't really have any pain.  The first couple of weeks were tough.  I was dealing with the desire to eat food (head hunger) and the fact that I was on a liquid diet.  I was very tired and didn't do a whole lot.  At the time, walking on the treadmill for 10 minutes seemed like a marathon, and I couldn't do it without my binder.  Trying to figure out what I could eat and trying to get on a vitamin and protein schedule was a bit difficult - as I really hate schedules!  and I really loved to eat!  I got used to the feeling of something being 'stuck'... the runny nose, the pain in the chest and the mad dash to the bathroom.  I had my spot next to the throne - sittng on the edge of the tub with my head hung over the toilet.  And nothing came out but foam and chewed up food.  (I learned there was a definite difference between feedback and vomit.)  Then I had the lovely experience of having a stricture.  It was so bad that not even water or air was making it through the stoma.  After three days in the hospital and a scope and dilation, I felt much, much better... but only for about two weeks.  I had to go back for another dilation... and then one more about a month later.  Eating has gotten better, and I'm able to tolerate more... although I still cannot eat eggs or drink milk.  I miss them!  Fish and other meats are never consistently good or bad for me.  It depends on the fat mostly.  Fat really makes me sick.  My tolerance for sugar is rather high (I think).  When I had too much, I feel like I swallowed a bag of pop rocks, and they are foaming in my pouch.  And I feel like crap!  I do eat treats, but I also limit them.  I'll have a small cookie - rather than 10.  There are lots of things that a taste will do.  I no longer eat during the night.  I'm no longer obsessed with food.  Although, I still get urges to eat at night - especially when watching TV and staying up late.  If I ate OK during the day, I might indulge in a serving of cheez its or a cheese stick.... but I really try to limit the night time snacks.  Plateaus have not been fun.  I don't get too hung up on them unless they last for several weeks.  The further out I get, the longer the stalls seem to be.  When it happens, I need to evaluate what I'm eating (most likely too many carbs) and recommit to my walks on the treadmill.  As for overall health, my mental health has improved.  I feel 'normal'.  Naturally, I have bad days where I still feel like a big cow, but there are definitely more days when I'm OK with what I see in the mirror (saggy skin and all).  I'm so happy that I have gone from a size 3-4x shirts to size L-XL.  And pants, I've gone from tight 28s (because I refused to buy larger) to a size 16W.  It has been so long since I have enjoyed shopping for clothes!  No longer do I feel like everyone is looking at me (totally disgusted by my weight).  I do tell myself that I am still overweight/obese, but that's OK.  I am certainly better off that I have been in a LONG time.  I could ramble on all day about the little things that have changed.  The best is feeling happy with myself... not to mention that my husband and kids love to give me hugs.  They are amazed (as much as I am) that there were bones underneath all those layers of fat. 

Lets see what the next month brings...  I'm currently bouncing around 215.  I'm hoping to be 210 or less by the time we go on vacation in October.  I have almost a month, but my stalls are terribly long and painful.  I stall for weeks and then drop about 5 pounds. 

Signing off for now.

Today, I weighed in at 215.  At this point, I'm setting my goals in increments of 5 pounds.  I would like to be 5 pounds less by the end of September... and at 200 by the end of October. 

I'm sure sticking to a healthy eating plan is going to get tough as we head into the colder months - when I usually crave the comfort foods like toasted bagels.  Hopefully, I can stick with my walking to help balance things out. 

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about how I look - the sagging skin, stretch marks and overall flab.  It doesn't depress me, but I know I will eventually have to take action.  My plan was to not get too zealous with exercise until I removed a lot of the bulk.  Perhaps I'm now at that point - a good portion of the bulk is gone and it's time to start hitting the gym, lifting weights or some other form of exercise to build some foundation muscles.

The problem...  I don't want to waste my time working out, and I really don't like to sweat.  I used to love working out, but not so much now.  In my younger years, I would do aerobics (classes or at home), bike and walk all in the same day.  Maybe I'll uncover that part of me again - in time.

I weighed in today at 218 pounds.  That's a total of 101 pounds lost since pre-admissions testing.  Staying away from a lot of carbs and exercising got me going again after a long and painful stall.