Jonay
Stood Up By the Boogeyman…
Jan 05, 2015
So…I had a date. I became petrified of the actual surgery and then had my EGD. My surgeon was not concerned, just wanted to see if I needed the hiatal hernia repair for some acid reflux that showed up during the upper GI. I was nervous about the procedure, but as I have said all along, I am going to do what it takes to gain my life back. Having the EGD actually helped ease my worries about the surgery (because of the anesthesia reaction) until the doctor came in with his findings. Nodules, ulcers, and an inappropriate digestion rate (as I had lunch from the day before still in my stomach). I told him about the surgery and my surgery date. He said things would be fine…he was confident that nothing would change, but he was going to send of the biopsy to verify if it is an infection. The Monday after Christmas, I finally was told that I would not be released for surgery as scheduled. For all of the reasons listed above, I need to take an eight week course of antibiotics and then repeat the EGD.
I was devastated. I cannot count the amount of times I burst into tears that night. I felt…betrayed. He said everything would be fine and that my surgery would still happen. Now this…and what if it is not fixed? So many questions going through my head, but even more so, is the feeling of being let down. Yes, I do feel a bit let down by the doctor giving false hope, but more importantly, I feel like I have let myself down.
Now, before anyone decides to harp on me for this, it was how I felt. To be honest, I still do, in a way, feel the same.
I am working on coming to terms with this decision as well as working through the negative feelings. I know there is a silver lining to all of this. I have accepted that my surgery date has been cancelled for right now. I am grateful that the problem as spotted now instead of later. I understand that this is why these tests are run and why we go through the hoops we do. It is not something I want taken lightly because I do matter.
I suppose now I need to forgive myself. It is not the doctors to blame for my physical state, it is mine and mine alone. I have made my choices and this is what has happened because of them. I can only hope I continue to make better choices that will help me in leading a more productive and healthier life, a better and longer life.
I am not a religious person, but these are the parts of the prayer that I try every day to live by. It is not my intention to offend, only to share.
The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace.
