Kaley J.

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I saw it!  I finally saw it!  Today I was walking out of a public restroom and I caught a glimpse of myself from the side in the mirror and had to walk backwards to do a doubletake.  I can see a change in my body now!  Well, from the side at any rate.  My stomach is not as round and far out under my breasts any more!  Yay!  Still can't see it anywhere else but man, that's exciting!

On a side note, I am finishing up Day 2 of the liquid diet and have not gone number 2 at all.  Very weird.  This I guess is probably normal but I am used to going several times a day (I know, TMI).  On the other hand, I am peeing up a storm!

Well, I did it!  I have successfully completed Day 1 of the liquid diet and am doing okay.  A bit hungry so I am trying to just drink a lot more water to try to fill that up.  For the most part the supplements were pretty good.  The shakes are nasty (though not as nasty as the protein powder from GNC) and the pudding was tolerable until the last few baby spoon bites.  Then I had to give it up and call it good because I was gagging so bad I thought I was going to lose it.  I didn't want to do that because I'm not sure what you're supposed to do if you throw up the supplement.  I know I don't have any packets to spare so taking another one would not really be an option even if the doctor did say to do that.  He gave me strict instructions not to go less than the prescribed packets so I didn't want to have to worry about sabatoging myself by throwing up.  The only bad thing is that I didn't know what to get last night so I just got variety packs.  This means I have 4 more puddings and 4 more shakes to get down this week.  Fun, fun.  At least I know what not to get next Thursday!

I had my appointment with my surgeon today and got all the instructions and supplies for this next week.  I will be taking in only about 500-600 calories a day through 5 mixes and 1 little bar thing.  Interesting.  I talked to two women who had been on it in the week before their surgery (lap-band) and they said taste-wise it's not bad and that most of the mixes mix well with the water.  This is good news and helped relieve some of my anxiety.  Now I'm anxious about a new thing (will it never end, lol).  Dr. Myers told me to stop taking all of my diabetes medication because taking them with this diet is likely to result in very low blood sugars.  I know this is true but I have been on these medications for many years and we have just finally got it all stabalized.  Part of my head is screaming "long-term complications" because these past years it has been drilled into me that I can't stop my medication and now I have someone very qualified telling me to do that very thing.  Don't worry, I am going to stop my medication, I am just very anxious about it.  But he will be following me very closely and I have an appointment next Thursday for a follow-up.  He told me to keep checking my blood sugar twice a day and that if it goes below 80 or above 150 to call him on his cell (to which he gave me the number).  Very reassuring I should say.  So I have eaten my last tonight (following my meal plan) and am ready to start in the morning.  I just need to read all the information tonight so I can make sure I bring everything I need to work tomorrow.  So yay!  Big changes!

Is it still considered a plateau if your not losing or gaining any weight but you're losing inches?  Because today I had to go to the store to get some new pants (mine developed holes in them from my thighs rubbing together after only a month and a half to two months after I bought them).  I was trying stuff on and I am 1 bra size smaller (not in the cup though), 1 shirt size smaller, and 1 pant size smaller.  Instead of the 5X I was wearing this last spring when I started all this pre-WLS stuff I am now a 3X.  Which is really cool.  I just wish the numbers would change though.  I know, I'm a little too hung up on numbers but it feels like a long time it hasn't changed.  I also wish I could see it when I look in the mirror - I still see a huge me with no change at all.  On the funny side though, I really tried the 3X's on a lark.  I didn't think they would fit because to me they looked so small.  So it was a pleasant surprise.

I'm so excited!  I am going to be 27, a very special number because it's 3 cubed (3x3x3=27).  I can't remember 2 squared (2x2=4) and I DEFINITELY won't see 4 to the 4th (4x4x4x4=256).  This is going to be even better than when I turned 25 and gave myself a quarter!  Yay!  I am also excited because for once I am starting out a new year of life on a good note.  I am losing weight, making important decisions for my life and health, and in general doing well.

I have a lot on my mind so I'm just going to post it and hope it lets me sleep tonight having been said.  So here goes...

I found out tonight that contrary to what I have been telling myself of late, I am still an emotional eater.  I had a semi-rough therapy session trying to deal with and process my feelings about any and all failures being my fault and any and all successes being an accomplishment of others (like doctors and such) and how this relates to my feelings about surgery and the liquid diet I will soon be starting on.  After my session I had to drive 50 minutes to get home.  It's not like I couldn't have waited to eat, 6:00 at night is not too late to eat dinner, but I found myself doing something I haven't done in a long time.  I drove through Tim Horton's and ordered 40 donut holes to consume on the way home.  And because I didn't want to have too many calories, lol, I ate it while drinking my water instead of ordering a drink.  How silly is that!  Not the best choice I have ever made.  I'm not mad at myself or feeling guilty and shamed, but I am kind of sad because I thought I was over that.

I also think I have discovered the cause of my plateau, which has now been going on for 3-4 weeks, gaining or losing only a few tenths of a pound each week.  A few weeks ago I finished going to a Dialectical Behavioral therapy group that I had been attending for about a year and a half.  Since then following my meal plan has gotten kind of rough in spite of my goals.  I have been averaging only 2 days a week of complete adherance to my meal plan.  The other days I have been skipping meals and snacks and on some of them overeating a little bit as a result.  Nothing like I used to do but still overeating.  I have been telling myself that I'm doing okay because it's not that big of a deal to restrict, right?  Wrong!  I think I am throwing my whole system out of wack and I have the plateau to prove it!  Grr!  So now I have set two new goals for this week: (1) to completely follow my meal plan for three days out of this next week and (2) to eat my snacks at 7:30 pm instead of 10:00 pm three days this week.  Since school started back up again a few weeks ago I have been allowing myself to get busy and procrastinate on my snack until right before I go to bed.  Not a good idea I should think.

Lastly, I am worried about starting the liquid diet.  My head is telling me that I'm the person who will not lose any weight on it, that I'll just end up restricting because I don't like the supplements or binging because I like them too much or miss the oral stimulation of chewing.  My therapist has had me commit that once I get started on the liquids I will call him before restricting or binging to get some support.  I hope this helps because part of my head is convinced I am going to fail at this and all other attempts at weight loss.

Well, that's all that's churning around in my head right now.  Thanks for listening.

Here are the medications I am taking on a daily basis:

Effexor and Geodon for my mood

Zocor, Zetia and Omacor for my cholesterol

Aldactone and Orthotri-cyclene for my PCOS

Zyrtec and Singulair for my asthma

Avandamet and Byetta for my diabetes

Lisinopril for my blood pressure and to correct some mild kidney damage

Levothyroxine for my hypothyroidism

13 different medications on a daily basis (14 if you consider that Avandamet is really just 2 medications in 1 pill), some more than once a day!  This is really pathetic and depressing because most if not all of them are needed because of my severe morbid obesity.  One of my hopes is that after I have my surgery I will be able to get off some if not most of these medications.  Because it's NOT cheap and I can't afford it, especially when you consider all the doctor visits that go along with being on this much medication.  This can't be good for my body and it definitely isn't good for my finances.  I am so not wanting to have to deal with this but I know that this will take an active effort on my part to get well and get healthy.  I am grateful for the fact that even though I can't go very far on my own at one time, I am still mobile and able to work.  But gosh darn it if it isn't irritating to have to be at the pharmacy and every doctor's office and to have to consult a list every time they ask what medications I'm on because it's too many to remember!  Grrr!

*sigh*  Anyway, thanks for letting me vent.  I just had another doctor's appointment today and it got all back in my face.

I have been losing weight pretty steadily all summer with no gains.  Last week when I weighed in at my therapist's office my weight hadn't changed in two weeks except for 0.2 pounds less.  I think I must have hit my first plateau as my body tries to fight all the changes I'm making.  I can handle not losing for a week or two but I'm freaking out that on Wednesday when I get weighed again I'll have gained.  What if my body starts going in the wrong direction again?  I know eating-wise I am doing okay so I should be fine but I am really starting to panic because always before after losing weight it came right back plus some.  I know what I am doing now is different than it was in the past but it still has me really worried.  I think I need to just breathe.

Well in two weeks, on September 13th, I have my appointment with my surgeon to start the 12 week liquid diet.  I'm excited about it but I am afraid I won't be able to stomach the supplements.  I tried a protein drink recently and could only get one ounce down before I started gagging and couldn't handle it.  My surgeon said the supplements taste pretty good but maybe he's just trying to encourage me.  The salesperson who sold me the protein supplement said it was the best out there in taste and mixture and everything and it was horrible!  I had gone to GNC.  It also makes me a little concerned about getting enough protein in after the surgery.  I'm going to try other supplements but I may have to figure out where to buy that taste-free protein supplement.  Oh well.  Two more weeks of real food and then the liquids.  Interesting.  I hope I can manage not to run amok in these next two weeks.  That is my goal.

Okay, so I have been looking forward to the OH support group meeting for about a month.  It was supposed to be tonight in Delaware, OH about 1/2 hour from my home.  I couldn't confirm it with the listed OH contact person because their profile is either not listed anymore or made private.  So I did the next best thing, I checked with the place where it was scheduled to be and they said yes it was on their schedule from 8-9 tonight.  So I waited and waited and waited and NO ONE came.  I don't know whether they just canceled tonight's meeting or whether there is no longer a Delaware meeting at all and the place where it is supposed to be doesn't know that or what.  So I'm irritated.  I'm not irritated at OH or anything because I know these things happen and OH has a lot of stuff to keep track of.  I'm just irritated because I was really looking forward to getting the face-to-face support and so I left the prayer meeting at my church in the middle of it so I could go to this meeting and then it didn't happen and I had no way of finding out why.  I've got an e-mail in to OH and so hopefully I will find out whether it is still going on or whatever.  I just really wish it had worked out tonight.  I'm so disappointed.